To deny hubby sex after child birth

[JakesMum88]

Hey . This is a really difficult one and I already feel I am being unreasonable.

We were blessed with our first baby boy back in December. A big healthy boy, >10lb, who is our world.

Hubby and I had a babysitter for my birthday 2 months ago and made love for the first time since J was born. I just felt flat and I didn't feel a thing.

We have tried a few times since but it had got to the point where I have lost interest. At the weekend I was tired and refused him :(.

I have spoken to my Dr who has said I need to keep doing my pelvic floor exercises and give it time.

My Q is, AIBU to reject him just because it does not feel good for me?

@JakesMum88

I don't feel coerced or pressured. I like the idea of sex with him, but it isn't doing anything for me :(

Well, if you want to have sex with him and this is 'just' a physical issue... what actually works?

I mean, being completely blunt, do you get anything out of masturbation? Do any of your erogenous zones still respond to touch, or is there a wider issue with nerve damage?

If nothing works physically, it's back to the doctors to understand what can be fixed. It sounds like your doctor thinks you just need to do Kegels and all will be magically resolved, but maybe there are other issues that need to be addressed? As has been mentioned, there may be nerve damage, and a pelvic floor exercise isn't going to solve anything there.

I think it is back to the docs. I want it to work but PIV just doesn't work. I have master bated on my own and managed to climax during oral. I just cannot feel him during piv

I think I will ask to see a different Dr:(

It takes a while for some woman to get their libido back after a baby. It does return though.

Whether you make love with your husband is up to you; there is a difference between feeling flat and finding it repulsive.
If your husband is a loving, considerate man he will not try to persuade you but you might find you enjoy the affection and physical closeness of sex, even if you don't have much in the way of sexual feelings.

Thank you for your perspective. I do enjoy the affection and closeness. Maybe things will feel better with time. I will still talk to my Dr- perhaps a lady Dr this time

Good idea, JakesMum.

I'm sure things will improve with time, certainly did for me.

Hormones are funny things.

I knew things would feel different after having a baby but I didn't expect to lose all feeling

@JakesMum88
You need to find a physiotherapist who specialises in women's pelvic therapy.

Agree with previous posters that you need to see a women’s pelvic floor physiotherapist for regular rehab sessions with biofeedback - that made a huge difference! I paid privately for this - I can’t remember if it was available on the NHS, I think like most things women’s health, the NHS provision is very poor with huge waiting lists.

You need to work at all aspects of a relationship,both of you.you need to make yourself,and them,feel loved,sexy,attractive and wanted.
If you can't be bothered,or don't want to,then the cracks will show and the relationship will be less secure.
Take time to work on this together,talk to him,it doesn't sound as if you are communicating so he might feel rejected?
Get a weekend away,rediscover yourselves and have fun,sex and laughter.
(But please don't use the term hubby!)😊

No harm in getting a check up, but I'm sure it'll just take time OP. xxx

It was about a year for me with my first until I could have sex without pain. Agreeing that there was no pressure to ‘go through with’ penetrative sex was helpful, and having lots of physical affection, kissing passionately and that sometimes ending in oral/masturbation or just going to sleep was enough to keep the intimacy. It is really hard and you have to let him know how you feel so he can appreciate that it will take time.

Oh OP

It’s been almost 8 years since the birth of mine and DH’s first baby and our sex life still hasn’t returned to normal.

Between breastfeeding, exhaustion, being touched out etc etc I just didn’t want sex in the same way I had wanted to before children.

There were also confidence issues due to my body having changed....and I’m still not fully comfortable with him seeing me naked. I only really feel relaxed during nighttime sex because I know I’m not on full show.

We don’t have sex anywhere nearly as often as he would like us to - but I just don’t have the same drive that I used to.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t see what’s going to miraculously change one day to make my sexual desire/urges reappear again.