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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

94 year old gran sat in room all day

116 replies

fugginhell · 10/07/2021 21:21

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

OP posts:

SmokeyDevil · 10/07/2021 21:25

Maybe your gran won't come downstairs? I know my grandad now won't leave the house at all because of covid, and he used to go out every day, he's the same age as your gran. The elderly like the heat usually too, his house was hot when we went recently on a sunny day, and he had a jumper on too, but he thought it was just right. They do get cold easier.

Take a TV down though, she'd like that I imagine.

otterbaby · 10/07/2021 21:29

I would just ask her if you can help make her more comfortable. Perhaps she's been offered a fan but turned it down? I'm sure your aunt wouldn't be offended if you asked.

Hellocatshome · 10/07/2021 21:33

If your Grandma is 94 your Auntie cant be a spring chicken, perhaps she can't manage to get her downstairs by herself. Is there a toilet downstairs? Is it practical for her to come down and back up again? Is there room downstairs to make a bedroom without loosing room for the Auntie use her house as she would want? Yes by all means take your Grandma things you think she would like such as a TV but it is very very hard looking after an elderly relative and if you start criticising you may find the Auntie thinks maybe she should pass the job on to you or a care home.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 10/07/2021 21:35

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.

Scarby9 · 10/07/2021 21:35

I find the temperature at my parents house unbearably hot, yet they are both wearing thick jumpers and my mum likes a hot eater bottle to sut with in the evening. So don't assume your gran doesn't like the heat.
I also want my parents to move downstairs as they both struggle with the stairs - my mum particularly. But they refuse and get upset if I try to persuade them into what to me is an obvious solution.
Your aunt is there 24/7 - I'm sure she will appteciate your regular support, but do make sure you approach any suggestions sensitively.

Kanaloa · 10/07/2021 21:36

She might struggle on the stairs if she’s a bit frail. Also, many older people feel the cold, so what felt warm for you might be nice for her. It’s so hard though seeing a loved one become less capable. Maybe you could offer your auntie to share care a bit and you could spend a bit of time looking after your gran/spending time with her? Bringing a tv is a lovely idea.

Steelesauce · 10/07/2021 21:40

I spend my time with a lot of 90+year olds and they're always freezing cold. Is your gran happy? Has she deteriorated and that is why she now prefers to sit upstairs?

topwings · 10/07/2021 21:47

Does she want a TV?

We bought one for a relative's bedroom when he was bed bound. We thought he would like it because he loved sport and was very into current affairs.

He wouldn't let us put it up. Didn't want it at all and asked that we bring it home again. He had lost interest in things and it ended up being quite an upsetting evening because it hit home to him and us how much he had deteriorated and how much had changed in a couple of months.

Just something to think about before you buy one without asking. We didn't ask because we thought he would refuse out of politeness but I wish we at least had a casual "do you miss tv" chat before we bought one.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 21:48

My nan hates the TV. She gets agitated when she sees the little people moving round.

I'd maybe talk to your aunt and see if she thinks it would be a good idea for you to get one.

tttigress · 10/07/2021 21:51

Covid has had a lot of indirect victim's, this should have been thought out when they were planning the lock downs

Babygotblueyes · 10/07/2021 21:53

I think it is great that you care so much and are looking out for your gran. As others have said, there may be reasons behind it. It could also be that your auntie, who presumably is knocking on a bit, is not able to see some of the things your nan needs. All you can do is offer to help however you can and see what happens. She may not feel the hot, but older people can still overheat. In fact, in many countries more old people die in the hot weather than in the cold.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 10/07/2021 21:56

My husbands nan doesn't really like to come downstairs anymore.

She's in her 90s.

She has had quite a few falls though and I think she is scared.

But the family have made her bedroom nice. With a telly and she has her ipad etc.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/07/2021 21:56

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.

I agree. If I were bearing all the responsibility for caring for an very elderly relative, I would get quite "hot headed" at any relative breezing through and critiquing my care, before skipping off again.

stellaisabella · 10/07/2021 22:00

The room being warm is most likely to keep her warm - worked in elderly care for years and even in the summer when it's roasting, so many feel the cold badly.
As for downstairs - is there a toilet downstairs? Getting a 94 year old woman up and down the stairs alone isn't exactly easy when they lack mobility.
Ask if she'd like a tv. I personally think you're being a bit critical when you've just popped by for a visit and your aunt is her full time carer. If you want to help, offer to share some of the care duties on your day off.

OverByYer · 10/07/2021 22:00

Is the bathroom upstairs? If so I’d say it’s better she stays up there rather than risk the stairs a few times a day if she is frail.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/07/2021 22:07

Has your aunt had been caring for your gran alone since pre covid?. You need to talk to your aunt and find out what your gran actually needs and what your aunt needs to care for her.

My mum didnt watch TV at she got older, couldn't concentrate on it, sight and hearing problems also made it hard and she much preferred the radio. Her house was also like a sauna with the heating on all year round.

What she loved was getting out for day trips, just a walk in the park (used wheelchair on bad days) and spending time with people. Dont get her a TV, spend time with her and give your aunt a break from caring duties.

toastantea · 10/07/2021 22:11

I think you have quite the nerve to be commenting on how your gran is cared for when you haven't even seen her for well over a year tbh. Do you know that she wants a TV? Or any details of what has been done/tried/discussed for her over all this time?

Doghead · 10/07/2021 22:14

@CrouchEndTiger12

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.

Exactly. So many people are keen to point the finger at others but won't step up to the mark themselves

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 10/07/2021 22:14

Sounds like my grandad, he lives alone but has heating on at st least 25 degrees all year round and would much rather sit and listen to his radio than anything else. Has she said she is unhappy? If not I'm unsure why you are heartbroken. Different people have different needs.

SunbathingDragon · 10/07/2021 22:17

What actually seemed wrong with her care? Older people are more likely to need extra heat than for the air to be cooler.

Does your gran have dementia? Moving her, even to another room in the same house, could be horrible distressing for her if so.

TreeSmuggler · 10/07/2021 22:19

It would be kind to bring a TV if it's wanted, but I agree with pp that you should ask. My nan at that age couldn't watch TV anymore, having previously watched it constantly. She couldn't understand it anymore.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 10/07/2021 22:19

How far away do you live? I expect your grandma would prefer you to sit and chat with her for an hour than bring a telly and leave again. I imagine your Aunt has her work cut out and would probably appr6your support to give your grandma some attention.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 10/07/2021 22:22

Older people don't move as much or as quickly so need their environment warmer.

DogInATent · 10/07/2021 22:22

Your aunt has been single-handedly looking after your gran for 16 months. You make one visit and you think she's doing it wrong?

Head. Wobble.

HerMammy · 10/07/2021 22:25

You seem to be making assumptions,
did you ask her if she wanted anything?
My 94yr old granpa has heating at 25 even when it’s 25 outside!!

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