94 year old gran sat in room all day

[fugginhell]

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

Carers kept suggesting we should have my DF in a bed in the living room downstairs. Not sure how they thought that would have worked in a house with six people, including two children, I got the impression they were used to houses with single people or couples. Plus he was with it enough that he would have felt massively in the way himself.

@ThursdayWeld

Hey, I'm not judging my auntie

You are totally judging your auntie. Own it, as the young people say.

If your auntie is so "hot headed", how is your parent looking after their mother? They seem happy enough to leave all the care to your auntie...

I wonder if OP’s parent is gm’s son.

The caring gets left to Auntie because she’s the woman

I wasn't actually thinking about particularly old people in term of the "attitude" comment. It just seems to me that some people choose to get old, sometimes in middle age or earlier, as they make their worlds very small and narrow. I'm talking about people who are able bodied and in good health. So I didn't find it surprising that a 94 year old (in whatever physical or mental state) stays in her room and listens to the radio. My argument is exactly that you can't make people do things that you think will benefit them or make them happier, as it's up to them @ThursdayWeld.

It just seemed like a bit of victim-blaming to me. You have no idea if those people are shutting down due to their "attitude", or to other causes. Brains are complex things.

And my second point was, from my second post, that people suggest stuff all the time which may not be practical from the carer or person being cared for's perspective.

My mum is only 79. She has slowed down a lot recently and basically just moves between bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I visit her often (much more than I want to) and try to encourage her to use her living room and she says yes and then stays in bed. Don't blame your Aunty for this.

*I wonder if OP’s parent is gm’s son.

The caring gets left to Auntie because she’s the woman*

Indeed @LittleBearPad. And then sainted granddaughter comes swooping in with all sorts of suggestions, and presumptuously decides to bring a TV back - granddaughter who hasn't bothered to visit their gm for well over a year

And yes, it has been possible to visit old folk for months now!

@HarebrightCedarmoon

And my second point was, from my second post, that people suggest stuff all the time which may not be practical from the carer or person being cared for's perspective.

Well that I do agree with.

It’s probably fine. As long as she’s clean, warm, getting good food and company that’s probably all she needs.
My DM has dementia, only in her 70’s. We can persuade her to come downstairs for food, but then she just asks to go back to bed where she feels safe. It’s sad, but I don’t think forcing her to sit downstairs to watch TV or making her go out would be kind either. She does enjoy short visits from family members so likely your grandma would benefit from a regular visit from you.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom

If that's such a good idea, why doesn't your parent - your gm's other child - do this in their house? When they take over full-time care from your obviously substandard aunt?

Having been in your Aunt's place I can tell you it's hard work even with carers. My DM wouldn't watch the TV, she couldn't follow the storylines and it just upset her. The best thing you can do for your Gran is go and visit, take her some little treats, tell her you love her and talk to her, I bet she has loads of stories she'd love to tell you. And say thank you to your Aunt, she bloody deserves to hear it

It sounds like you should be asking your aunt whether she needs help too. Caring for an elderly relative can be a huge burden and against the backdrop of Covid will have been even harder. Maybe they would both welcome more support from you OP.

Agreed @DukeofEarlGrey. As long as it is actual support for the auntie, not just criticism disguised as "help"!

Oh what a lovely granddaughter.

I think it’s easy to walk into a room and judge/feel heartbroken. But, once it’s you that’s the Carsten- it’s a completely different ball game- in every sense of the word.

You don’t know what it’s like to care for someone elderly and I’m sure your aunt is giving it her all (literally) so maybe offer to give her some hours spare and you will look after the nan.

Carer!! Not Carsten! Don’t know how that happened!

@fugginhell

Hey, I'm not judging my auntie it was just a shock for me how much she has deteriorated she barely remembered me. When I seen her just sat there on a chair it really shocked me to think she does that all day.

She normally watches all her soaps and the news I thought she would be missing all of that.
My gran wanted to come down stairs we managed a few stairs but then she didn't think she could do it and we brought her back.

“we managed a few stairs .......and we brought her back”

So even with at least two of you helping , going down stairs proved to be too much. I think that tells you something about why your granny is upstairs.

Maybe you could pay for a stairlift if you think it is that important, or as others have said, give your poor aunt some respite time. Don’t forget to ask her to leave her shoes so you can walk in them.

Are you sure she wants a TV? My 94 year old grandmother has a TV in her room but she never watches it even when we put it on. Sadly I think she just can't follow what is going on any more.

Why haven't you seen your grandmother for so long? There have been various times when precautions have been lifted when you could have done so.

@Terhou

Why haven't you seen your grandmother for so long? There have been various times when precautions have been lifted when you could have done so.

I haven't seen my CEV DS for 16 months because his hospital has forbidden it. I'd rather listen them than the government.

If you’re going to judge your auntie on her care of your grandmother, at least take ownership of that when called on it.
It sounds infinitely more sensible for your grandmother to remain upstairs given you couldn’t manage to get her even a few steps without it scaring her and her wanting to return to her room.
She probably likes it warm, older people often do, particularly as they get more frail.
She may not want a tv. Did you even ask her? Maybe she would find it hard to watch now, or maybe she just prefers the radio?
It’s all well and good to come in and criticise and try to change things for your grandmother, but you’ve not even seen her in nearly a year and a half. I expect that visiting her once in a while would’ve been far more beneficial to her than pratting about with her home, entertainment and routine, unasked.

I think you need to appreciate what your aunt is doing here.

Why don’t you offer to pay to convert a downstairs room into a bedroom with a wet room? That’s what we did for mum.

Probably predictive text but so many people put “ career” when they mean “ carer “

My Dad is 82, and got multiple serious health conditions. He barely moves from his chair, hates going out, and listens to the radio most of the day whilst his flat is a constant 28c. It makes me feel really ill trying to do his housework for him, and he knows instantly if I've open a window . I also used to work in a nursing home - this is very very normal.