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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

94 year old gran sat in room all day

116 replies

fugginhell · 10/07/2021 21:21

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

OP posts:

AnneTwackie · 11/07/2021 10:54

If your grandmother is clean, dressed, warm and sitting up in a chair your auntie is already doing a pretty good job. You are judging her and it sounds like you have absolutely no idea what it takes to care for someone frail. No wonder your auntie gets ‘hot headed’.

MsJinks · 11/07/2021 10:56

My mum got ‘stuck’ upstairs one day when the carers couldn’t get her to the stair lift - she stayed there for 6 weeks until downstairs was sorted and medics came to move her - this only happened as she was already under a care package and my parents had had the front room/diner knocked into one years ago so there was room for bikeloads of equipment- she also had only got a stairlift earlier as they paid for it. Your aunt sounds too anxious and frail to be moved safely so maybe you could get a social care assessment done if she really does want to live downstairs and it can be accommodated. My dad cared for my mum till the last minute he could with just dressing calls twice per day nearer the end - as that’s what they wanted. To be honest her actual ‘care’ is probably better now that it’s run by myself with a full care package and she looks healthier with a bit of supported walking going on - but she’s lonelier and less happy of course without her husband, and would return in a heartbeat to previous standards. I had to remind myself a lot that people are allowed choices and what they chose was good for their own autonomy and own choices and happiness. Your gran and aunt are muddling along as works and suits them so please don’t charge in with TVs etc or assessments as I suggested above - discuss this with them first in a nice way - my parents used to be a bit sad I’d just turn up and replace microwave with no problem when they didn’t know how or couldn’t get out or even lift microwave to do the simple task - it shows clearly where they are at physically and it’s scary and potentially embarrassing for them. Also I cared full time for just 3 weeks with 3x care calls for the harder stuff, and was literally on my knees at age 55 - please offer care support to your aunt - discuss with wider family what you could do and then discuss kindly with aunt and gran.

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 12:11

Well I'm sure the OP has been given a lot think about here.

OP, I can see that you want the best for your grandma, but as you will have seen from this thread, it's not as simple as you think it is.

Cowbells · 11/07/2021 12:30

You could buy her a small TV for her bedroom so she can watch the soaps from there if she'd like to.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/07/2021 12:36

@fugginhell

Hey, I'm not judging my auntie it was just a shock for me how much she has deteriorated she barely remembered me. When I seen her just sat there on a chair it really shocked me to think she does that all day.

She normally watches all her soaps and the news I thought she would be missing all of that.
My gran wanted to come down stairs we managed a few stairs but then she didn't think she could do it and we brought her back.

If auntie is agreeable can you get the other family members (not auntie as she is already doing more than her bit) to chip in for a stair lift? Much better than a TV.

Motherofalittledragon · 11/07/2021 12:56

@DogInATent

Your aunt has been single-handedly looking after your gran for 16 months. You make one visit and you think she's doing it wrong?

Head. Wobble.

Exactly this^^

supersonicsue · 11/07/2021 13:24

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom

No, you do that in YOUR house. As you are the expert , you looking after your grandmother single handedly during a pandemic for the next 18 months would be best for everyone. Don't expect any thanks, support, help or appreciation from the rest of the family though. But perhaps your auntie can come to visit every 18 months to tell you where you are going wrong!!

notsofussy · 11/07/2021 13:29

Having spent most of my working life in Residential homes I can say from experience that if you put a fan on all hell would break loose. Most of our residents liked to be in a warm draught free room. It could be 90 degrees outside but woe betide you if you opened a window.

happinessischocolate · 11/07/2021 13:34

My 91 year old mum used to love all the soaps and the quiz shows, but she struggles to follow them now and just gazes out the window. I managed to get her watching the tennis yesterday but then she fell asleep.

Just because your nan used to like the soaps doesn't mean she'll still be interested now.

Jjjayfee · 11/07/2021 13:55

Some very harsh comments here but it has reminded me that when my now deceased mum took over caring for her mother who was frail with signs of dementia every one of mums 7 adult siblings had an excuse for why they couldn't give my mum even a weekend of respite.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/07/2021 14:42

@Jjjayfee

Yes, and also swooped in occasionally with solutions to every problem.

The brother who visited 4 times a year at most, but painted the fence while there was the hero as we hadn't done it.

The other brother that visited for a week a couple of times a year and bought her the open chip pan and supply of lard 🙄 because she wanted real chips (I have no words) that we didn't have time to buy her.

The op that hasn't seen grannie for 18 months and buys a TV.......

C8H10N4O2 · 11/07/2021 16:00

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.

I agree. If I were bearing all the responsibility for caring for an very elderly relative, I would get quite "hot headed" at any relative breezing through and critiquing my care, before skipping off again.

This.

Before you do the Disney granddaughter routine try actually talking to each of them to ask if there is anything you can do or get for them that would help. eg giving them some respite help or asking if a TV is something she would enjoy.

What neither of them need is someone dropping by for a visit, deciding what is wrong and just dropping a magical non-solution on them without discussion.

SnowdaySewday · 11/07/2021 18:10

If you and Gran are both in England, then Covid is no excuse for not visiting, apart from times when you have it or are self-isolating.
Visits to provide care have been allowed within the regulations all through the pandemic.

If I were your Aunt, I would be pretty hot-headed as well.

Lincslady53 · 12/07/2021 13:29

My MIL, 97, lives with us, our dining room is now her bedroom, we get her up and dressed in the morning, she then sits in her chair till it is bedtime. If we left it up to get she wouldn't move all day, but we get her up to the table for meals, sit her outside when it is warm enough. If we go out she tells us not to hurry back, we do though. She likes to sit in the quiet with her thoughts. My mum, 92, is in a care home, spends nearly all her time in bed, needs help with everything and it is heart breaking when we visit.I visited on Saturday and she didn't recognise me. It is a very sad fact of life that very few people in their 90s have a fulfilling life. Most have an increasing number of health problems, have difficulty moving without discomfort, and are generally are on a downwards slope. Both our mum's are safe, warm and looked after. For anyone who hasn't had to look after an elderly relative in their home, my MIL is fairly easy, but needs help with everything. It is relentless, we can't have a full day out without getting carers to come in a few times through the day, we can't have a night out without getting a carer to put her to bed. To have a week off we have to book her into a care home while we go away. We don't regret looking after her at all, but don't criticise anyone who is doing their best and putting their lives on hold to look after someone.

Lincslady53 · 12/07/2021 13:38

Oh, and for tv, we avoid watching anything that might upset her, so no news, no sex or voilence, nothing with a slightly complicated plot. She likes Doc Martin, but got upset at an episode where someone got stuck up a ladder, and was still worrying when she went to bed. Our objective is to keep her safe, warm, fed and sort free until the end. You auntie is probably doing the same.

Runningwithoutstopping · 12/07/2021 14:03

Have you asked your Nan what she wants? It might be very different to what you want. My nan much preferred radio to tv, and the heat was unbearable for me but just right for her.
It is difficult when a much loved one deteriorates and not seeing her for so long must of been difficult.
Also give your Aunt a break, caring is difficult in ways you can't imagine until you do it.

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