Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

94 year old gran sat in room all day

116 replies

fugginhell · 10/07/2021 21:21

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 10/07/2021 22:25

My grandma is the same age and couldn't manage the stairs or even the stairlift any more because she can't walk at all any more, so we converted her master bedroom into a sitting room for her, with some chairs and a futon, and a TV, and we changed the spare room into her bedroom. She always has the heating turned right up and complains of being cold. She has carers 4 x a day.

Deadringer · 10/07/2021 22:26

My mum is 95 and she spends most of her time sitting dozing in her chair in an overheated room. Her mobility is poor so there isn't much else she can do. She has a tv but rarely watches it. She is very much loved and cared for, and is pretty much waited on hand and foot. Luckily she has a wet room downstairs so her bedroom is downstairs, if she didn't she would certainly have to live upstairs. (her stairs aren't suitable for a stair lift). Its great that you care for your gran, buy her the tv, but spare a thought for your aunt, who is doing a very difficult job and probably gets very little appreciation.

IDontReadEyebrows · 10/07/2021 22:31

In my experience elderly people feel the cold more than young people so maybe the room isn’t too hot for her?

I’m guessing at 94 she’s very frail so moving her at all won’t be easy. Does your aunt manage well or could she do with some support for herself as well as your granny?

saraclara · 10/07/2021 22:32

@CrouchEndTiger12

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.
Exactly.

You've said that your gran is looked after well. So keep your nose out, you who've not even seen your gran for 16 months. Not even last summer when we could travel and visit people.

Have you even asked your aunt if gran likes the TV? Have you thought to offer your aunt a weekend off while you look after gran?

mumof3wonderfuls · 10/07/2021 22:33

@CrouchEndTiger12

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.
This!!!
Motnight · 10/07/2021 22:41

How old is your auntie, Op? Maybe she is finding it hard being a full time carer.

What are your plans to help your grandmother?

Ozanj · 10/07/2021 22:42

@fugginhell

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

Why bring a TV? Why not instead offer to give your aunt a break by taking on caring responsibilities for a bit?
Jent13c · 10/07/2021 22:44

Its a little bit like when a Disney dad swoops in after weeks and criticises the full time resident parent on something minor like the hero of the story when the other parent is actually doing 99% of the work.

Most people in their 90s like a very warm room, almost stifling. They also get tired easily and often don't want or require television on the whole day the same way we would. Her bedroom should be on the same floor as the bathroom/room where she can get washed. It sounds like there is some ongoing family tension but if you really concerns about her care this should have been picked up well before 16 months. And if not...why not? Has your aunt really had no respite or relief for over a year from being a full time carer to someone who sounds pretty immobile now?

WeatherSystems · 10/07/2021 22:45

This absolutely must be a reverse.

MurielSpriggs · 10/07/2021 22:50

YABVU. Instead of spending money on a TV book your aunt into a hotel and take over caring for your grandmother for the duration Hmm

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/07/2021 23:10

Turning downstairs into a bedroom won;t work if your Aunt sleeps upstairs .

I was going to suggest my Parents did this for Mum (they have a loo downstairs )
One night Mum couldn'y get upstairs and slept in the back room I was woken by the sound of her thumping her heel off the floor to get our attention.
My Dad was up several times when she woke at night on the same level. He could do without stairs as well .

Frankley · 10/07/2021 23:14

Take your aunt a nice present as well as the TV

Ilovetea13 · 10/07/2021 23:15

The elderly dont move around as much and get much colder easily. I work as a carer and you'd be suprised how many older people sit there with full layers on jumpers, cardigans ect even during the hottest of days.
As a previous poster said would she have access to the toilet moving downstairs or at least a commode? She may feel most comfortable in her room. Maybe have a chat with her and ask if she would like a TV? I have all respect for your auntie being a full time carer it must be so draining for her I only see the clients I care for for a small amount of their day and that can be physically demanding so I have full respect for somebody who does it 24/7.
On another note could you or another family member offer for your Auntie to have a break for a few hours maybe weekly and sit with your Nana for a while?

Rose789 · 10/07/2021 23:16

I hope the rest of your family help out more and are less judgmental than you are.

StressyWoman · 10/07/2021 23:17

My mum isn’t elderly but is disabled and spends a lot of time in a chair listening to the radio. Sometimes I think it is a sad sight but in reality she’s happy, looked after, still gets lots of interaction and goes out. Is your grandmother on the same floor as the toilet? I suspect them being able to hear her in the night could be a factor too. It’s sad but when people need a lot of care sometimes it is boring, I suspect those in homes are more bored at times too and don’t have their needs and wants met as quickly xx

thelegohooverer · 10/07/2021 23:20

It’s so easy to be critical when you’re not doing the day to day caring. It can come from a sense of guilt and helplessness, and it’s important to remember that one of the most useful things you can do for an elderly person is to support their carers. Sometimes that means buttoning your lip.

I’m in a similar position Op, so I really do understand. And my relative is on best behaviour when I visit and so pleased to see me, so I’ve become a favourite while those doing the daily grind get treated to the grumpy cantankerous version.

It’s very easy to criticise but it really isn’t helpful.

DeathByWalkies · 10/07/2021 23:28

My own nonagenarian is also always cold. Her house is heated to tropical temperatures and I once caught sight of the annual gas bill - it was £4k Shock

Can she manage the stairs? If not a stairlift would likely be appropriate - they're much cheaper than they once were and you can get reconditioned ones.

Have you asked why she hasn't got a TV? There may be a good reason.

HappyDays40 · 10/07/2021 23:32

Im with the your Aunt is working really hard camp. Why don't all family members chip in to help say a couple of days each then it might help your Auntie to feel better too.
I don't think you have room to complain its sounds tough for your aunt.

shiningstar2 · 10/07/2021 23:35

If your grandma is 94 it seems likely that your aunt is late 60s or even into her 70s. If she is a full time carer she will be exhausted, even if on your rare visits you feel she isn't doing enough. The sheer monotony of her life as a carer is hard to imagine unless you have experienced it yourself.

Often long repetitive days with little opportunity to get out at all and not always appreciated by the extended family. I think that you should check with your aunt whether a tv upstairs would be appreciated. If you think any alterations to her bedroom or downstairs might be a good idea, you could tactfully bring it up, but only if this comes with an offer to do most of the changes, maybe decorating, moving furniture, cleaning ext. You could also offer to stay in with your grandma for a day/afternoon while your aunt goes out somewhere. She might appreciate the opportunity, preferably with a friend, but even for a coffee and look around the shops on her own.

Your grandma would appreciate the change in company, your aunt would feel more appreciated for all she does and you would probably have a greater understanding of some of the problems she faces on a daily basis. Flowers

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2021 23:38

@CrouchEndTiger12

I'm sure your gran would be happy to move in with you op. If you'd like to take over the caring as your auntie is clearly lacking.
This.

You do know very old people feel the cold, OP? My parents’ house was tropical.

shivawn · 10/07/2021 23:49

94 year olds feel the cold badly especially if she is frail and deteriorating as you say so a warm room is unlikely to be a problem. Buy her the TV if you feel she would like it but you could well find she has very little interest. I worked in a nursing home as a college student and it was so hard to find things to stimulate most of our residents, they just don't care what's on TV or have the energy to read or do any activities. It's very sad to see elderly people sitting in a chair and staring in to space so I can understand why you were upset.

I do hope you'll take other posters comments on board too. Being a full time carer is an incredibly hard job, unimaginably hard. I don't think I could do it although I've worked in care homes and loved my job, to do it 24/7, never get the chance to clock off and to be doing it all alone is an entirely different ball game. Your aunt has made massive sacrifices to her own life to care for your nan so please be kind to her.

Cowbells · 11/07/2021 00:07

As others have said: please feel free to take over her full time care if you think your auntie isn't doing it right. Hmm If she is clean, comfortable, warm and dressed, sitting in a chair not in bed, listening to the radio, then your auntie is doing an excellent job, Old people feel the cold which is why the room was warm. You'd know that if you cared for her yourself.

1forAll74 · 11/07/2021 00:15

My late Mum, didn't like much tv, she only ever watched the news on BBC, She use to say it was mostly twaddle and rubbish on TV.. she played her little music tapes instead, whilst knitting all the time, and then did her crossword puzzles..

Friendofdennis · 11/07/2021 00:20

Do you have a car ? Why not offer to take your gran out for a drive somewhere Give your aunt the opportunity to have a break

mellicauli · 11/07/2021 01:07

My parents are late 80's. They would both be wearing jumpers on the sunniest day. It was probably the right temperature for her.

My parents don't really watch TV either (although they have one and can go up and down stairs OK) but they love listening to the radio. It has a slower pace than TV which they like. I guess that's all they had when they were growing up . Although they had TV later on, they think most of the stuff is rubbish and will only watch it if there's an opera on.

Be careful with blaming your aunt. Sometimes when we feel upset we look for someone to blame. But it's not her fault that your lovely grandma is deteriorating.She must have cared for her pretty well to make it to this point and it is going to happen at some point in your 90s.'

Swipe left for the next trending thread