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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

94 year old gran sat in room all day

116 replies

fugginhell · 10/07/2021 21:21

Haven't seen my lovely grandma since pre covid, she has deteriorated badly and now she isn't even coming downstairs.

My auntie is her full time career she is quite hot headed so we don't usually say anything to her. My grandma is looked after well but it just broke my heart when I went upstairs she was just sat on her chair with a radio on the room was quite warm it's broke my heart.

AIBU to think my auntie should of thought of turning downstairs into a bedroom or making her bedroom a bit better for her TV/fan ect.

I am going to get her a tv tomorrow and bring it down on my day off.

OP posts:
Flgbusterhereagain · 11/07/2021 01:35

You're being a bit harsh on your aunt here op. Being a full time carer is hard work. It's not fair to just stride in and decide what's best. Have you spoken to your Aunt and Nan? Maybe start there.

PhilSwagielka · 11/07/2021 03:40

Does she actually want a telly? She might just be happy with the radio.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/07/2021 04:15

Op it’s lovely that you care so much for your gran but I do agree with the others on this thread.

It sounds like she is well care for by a solo carer who doesn’t get much support and who is no spring chicken herself.

Your aunt deserves a lot of praise, support (including respite) and the opportunity for some self care.
I’d send her a message thanking her for all she is doing, saying that it seems your gran has deteriorated and asking what you can do to help. Tell her your budget and say you’re happy for her to decide how best to spend it but say that you would be happy for her to use it for respite as she deserves it. Then tell her when you will next busy, how long for and say you’d be happy for her to make plans to go out by herself during that time.
I’m sure your gran loved seeing you and would rather see you more often how that is possible.

DavidTheDog · 11/07/2021 04:21

Give your auntie a fortnight off. Show her how she’s been getting it wrong.

M1rror7ImageL · 11/07/2021 04:28

Images of 94 year old Gran PRE covid in a punk band, riding motorcycles....

supersonicsue · 11/07/2021 04:43

Your poor aunt. Obviously she is quite elderly herself and to be a full time carer during a pandemic is no picnic. Especially with no help or support from her family due to lockdown and likely reduced care from professional services too. And now criticism from her family who should be so grateful to her. I assume that as your grandmother's age means they have had to shield for most of last year also. No outings or visits from friends/usual support network either during this time. Unless you have been a full time carer you cannot know the stress it can bring, and the exhaustion from knowing it really is a 24 hour a day job...especially during the last 18 months we have all had.

As others have said the best thing to do is for you to be the carer (but do remember that is 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and another lockdown would mean no family help either). You seem a marvellous person with tons of compassion and knowledge, so there is no doubt you would do an excellent job. And I'm sure from the ONE visit you have made during the last 18 months you already know everything there is to know. So do your grandmother AND aunt a favour and take over the caring role ASAP.

KihoBebiluPute · 11/07/2021 05:36

Don't judge your auntie so harshly, it is really tough being a fulltime carer and perfection should not be required.

Your granny may not want a tv. My gran didn't like the tv as the screen triggered some migraine-like symptoms for her. In her final couple of years she couldn't cope with the radio or books either so was mostly alone with her thoughts (in between regular drop-in from carers and family). Sittimg still and quiet all day in a warm safe place isn't such a bad situation when you are 94 as it might be when you are in your 40s. You are projecting that you yourself would be bored to tears in that situation and assuming that your granny is too. She might be perfectly content but by all means do make efforts to find out what she would enjoy and try to help make it happen - but do so in a way that is respectful to all the work your aunt is doing.

Maybe you could suggest that you spend a few days there and take over all the caring responsibilities while your auntie has a holiday away somewhere. That would give you a chance to really understand what would be genuinely helpful.

Mandalay246 · 11/07/2021 05:52

You sound kind to care about your gran, but I agree with several earlier posts. Older people feel the cold, and it's quite common for them to want to be in an (to us) overheated room. Your gran might not want a TV, I know my DM lost interest in it in her latter years. At 94 she might not even want to go downstairs. Unless she has said she is unhappy I think you should leave your aunt to look after her without comment.

Original poster
fugginhell · 11/07/2021 08:18

Hey, I'm not judging my auntie it was just a shock for me how much she has deteriorated she barely remembered me. When I seen her just sat there on a chair it really shocked me to think she does that all day.

She normally watches all her soaps and the news I thought she would be missing all of that.
My gran wanted to come down stairs we managed a few stairs but then she didn't think she could do it and we brought her back.

OP posts:
4PawsGood · 11/07/2021 08:22

If she’s trapped upstairs maybe it’s time to get social services involved.
Or in the short term get her a bedroom set up downstairs.

Billandben444 · 11/07/2021 08:25

Give your auntie a fortnight off. Show her how she’s been getting it wrong.

This ⬆️

If you want to offer constructive help, ask Auntie if there's anything you can get or do to make life better for both of them. I'm sure more visits from you would be near the top of the list if that's viable but I'd be very careful wading in with anything that criticises Gran's care.

rose69 · 11/07/2021 08:25

Sadly old people can go down hill quite quickly. Is there a downstairs loo she could use if she did come down? There is another three on here about funding stairlifts.

Looubylou · 11/07/2021 08:31

Tread very carefully, and don't assume you know best. Unfortunately, this reminds me of working on elderly care wards, and relatives who had moved away returning to "sort everything out", before buggering off again. A difficult situation on both sides. My elderly relative has lost all interest in TV - she can't follow it anymore, due to hearing loss and cognitive decline. There might be other things that could make her day better, eg regular visits and calls. A basic mobile, that your aunt could manage for her for eg?

warmfluffytowels · 11/07/2021 08:33

It's probably not practical to have her downstairs. If your nan is 94 your aunt is probably in her 60's or 70's - could she cope if your nan fell and got injured?

Also if he bathroom is upstairs it makes sense for her to be there too.

I know it can be a real shock at how quickly elderly people deteriorate but your aunt has been caring for your Nan alone for months with no break - that's bloody hard going for anyone, let alone during a pandemic.

Don't go in all guns blazing and criticise - if you think your aunt is struggling and your Nan is trapped in her room due to failing health then it may be best to get adult social services involved.

Hallyup6 · 11/07/2021 08:40

Could you get a stair lift installed for her if she can't manage the stairs and wants to get out of her room. If you were to get social services involved they can send someone to assess her needs and possibly provide funding for adaptations.

carcarbinks · 11/07/2021 08:46

Try looking after her for a week or two yourself then you may be lass critical.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/07/2021 08:47

Does your grandma have any degree of dementia? If so, TV can be disturbing or even frightening, as people often think that what they see is actually happening. After watching some wildlife programme my DM once went upstairs to check that there weren’t any polar bears rampaging about 😱 - and I’ve heard of others being terrified that the Nazis were about to invade, or bombs dropping, etc.

She did want other TV on all the time, though. Maybe your grandma is happy with the radio.

I agree with pps that upstairs is very likely safer and more practical, for access to the loo, if that applies, and if there are any mobility problems and she’s prone to falls.

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 08:47

So how come you haven't visited your beloved grandmother since before Covid? I've been visiting my grandfather (who is in a care home) for months now.

You are massively presumptuous, and unfair on your aunt. Old people get cold and need more warmth, as PPs have pointed out.

Of course a 94 year old has changed over the more than one year since you have seen her.

And many older people don't want to watch TV.

It's possible, just possible, that your aunt - who provides 24 hour care, 365 days a year - knows better than you.

Still, when you give her a week off and take over caring for your grandmother full time then, I'm sure you'll be able to tell her all the ways she's doing it wrong!

maddiemookins16mum · 11/07/2021 08:48

Who’s looking out for your Aunt or is she maybe the unmarried/childfree one that everyone thinks will take care of everything as she has no real life of her own anyway?

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 08:49

Hey, I'm not judging my auntie

You are totally judging your auntie. Own it, as the young people say.

If your auntie is so "hot headed", how is your parent looking after their mother? They seem happy enough to leave all the care to your auntie...

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 08:50

@maddiemookins16mum

Who’s looking out for your Aunt or is she maybe the unmarried/childfree one that everyone thinks will take care of everything as she has no real life of her own anyway?
Good point!

It must be lovely for the auntie when relations swoop in, criticise her, then try to get their grandmother to come downstairs, risking a fall and fracture...

C0RINNA · 11/07/2021 08:54

Move your granny into your own home . Then you can care for her
Properly and show your aunt how it should be done.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 11/07/2021 08:58

That's all older people actually want sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it. People shut themselves down and their lives get smaller and smaller. It happens an awful lot younger than 94 and depends on the attitude of the individual.

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 09:01

@HarebrightCedarmoon

That's all older people actually want sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it. People shut themselves down and their lives get smaller and smaller. It happens an awful lot younger than 94 and depends on the attitude of the individual.
Actually it doesn't only depend on the "attitude" of the individual Hmm

People's brains change, either with dementia or just with age, and they want different things. They don't need as much stimulus.

Please don't blame older people if they're not interested in the things you think they should be doing Hmm

ThursdayWeld · 11/07/2021 09:02

I have two relations in care homes, both younger than the OP's grandmother. Neither of them can follow the TV any more. Nothing to do with their "attitude" Hmm

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