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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL just turning up

112 replies

WITW7 · 10/07/2021 20:31

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

I’ve just moved in with my partner and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My partners mum keeps randomly turning up at the house at any time throughout the day without texting or calling beforehand and without being invited. This is usually for no real reason and she hovers about.

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Prior to meeting me my partner was a single NR Dad and she did a lot to help him, washing and food shops etc but it’s like she can’t get used to the fact he doesn’t need that help anymore. Not that he even did in the first place- he just used to allow her when she offered.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 20:33

Maybe she is just trying to make some effort in her relationship with you? If you prefer notice you just need to politely tell her!! Some families have different ideas about visiting /visitors!!

philadelphiafreedom · 10/07/2021 20:34

No. My MIL used to do this including letting herself in while I was alone and showering upstairs and scared the life out of me. She doesn’t have a key to our new house.

SpacePotato · 10/07/2021 20:38

You need to tell her now before baby comes. Set your boundaries.

No visits unless prior notice and she must ring or text, not turn up.

Keep doors locked and if she turns up simply say it's not a good time and shut the door.

otterbaby · 10/07/2021 20:42

If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to nip this in the bud. It's not unreasonable to expect her to check before coming to your house, especially once you have a baby.

saraclara · 10/07/2021 20:44

Your partner needs to tell her that now you're living together, she needs to let you know in advance if she wants to come round, to check that it's convenient. It's no longer just him in the house but a couple, so you need your privacy.

It needs to come from him, as it's his house in her eyes.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/07/2021 20:44

It's tricky because obviously this is what she did before.

Did you just move into his place?

Did you talk about this before you moved in. You must have realised that his mum spent a lot of time at his place

TotorosCatBus · 10/07/2021 20:54

Some people have families where people can just turn up and walk in.

Personally that would drive me nuts. I need a text telling me that they are on their way.

BlueSurfer · 10/07/2021 20:57

I’m assuming you have moved into his property and she is just continuing as she has been for probably longer than you have been dating him.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 10/07/2021 20:58

My in laws used to do this a lot. It never bothered me until I fell pregnant. I just felt more vulnerable and exposed and craved privacy.
Unfortunately it got heated and DH ended up taking their key back when my DC was about 6 months due to several incidents of them walking in and waking us up/interrupting feeding/me in the shower etc etc
Things are better now and they arrange in advance to come over.

I’d do it now before the baby comes. Waiting until it got to breaking point was a mistake on our part.

Carpedimum · 10/07/2021 20:59

I’ve had 3 ‘MiL’s - 1st one was quite posh & formal, she would pop round unannounced, but I liked her and she never outstayed her welcome or overstepped boundaries. Second one was a nightmare, interfering busy-body. I came home one day & she’d planted a load of marigolds in my garden! It wasn’t even her son’s house, she was a CF, but so was her son who had moved in by stealth. Current one is lovely, but doesn’t live nearby & I’ve no doubt that if she did, I’d find her in my home cleaning something! As the mother of a son, I can understand the need to stay relevant & in touch. I’d hate to not get on with a future DiL, especially if there’s grandchildren.

Freddiefox · 10/07/2021 21:01

She probably doesn’t know what to do, if she’s been used to supporting dp as a NR parent she’s probably not sure what to do now. Your dp needs to chat to her about her role.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2021 21:05

You need to have a BIG talk with your partner ASAP. This popping in bullshit is not normal and I wouldn't tolerate it.

If your partner refuses to deal with his mother, you have a far larger problem on your hands and a lot to think about.

PinkiOcelot · 10/07/2021 21:05

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/07/2021 21:08

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
You never know - you may end up with a daughter in law!
Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2021 21:08

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
Said a future nightmare MIL.
myfuckingfreezer · 10/07/2021 21:11

Why doesn't he need help doing groceries and washing, have you started doing it for him?

palmstree · 10/07/2021 21:14

It's rude

StrawberrySundayz · 10/07/2021 21:27

There is no way I’d be putting up with her fuckery. Nip it in the bud now or it will get worse once you have given birth.

topwings · 10/07/2021 21:37

Can you just not answer the door?

My MIL used to be like this and after a while, I ignored the door a couple of times. When she said it to me, I said "Oh I was in the bath, you should have texted before hand". After being left on the step a few times, she started sending a text and I have no issue with saying I am not available.

And before I get the evil DIL comments, my own DM has never and would never show up on my door without arranging a visit in advance.

Some families are in and out of each other's houses and wouldn't think to arrange a visit. Neither way is wrong, it's whatever works for people.

thatllberight · 10/07/2021 21:38

MIL did this. Except she'd let herself in when we were at work and "tidy". Never felt the place had been tidied but looking back did notice vases etc had moved, assumed it was DD or DH. A neighbour asked me about it and that's how we found out. I was very very pissed off. Called her, "I appreciate you are trying to help but I am a private person and this is making me uncomfortable, in future please let me know before you come round". She wasn't happy but it has stopped.

Soggyday · 10/07/2021 21:41

Are you at home all the time? Maybe she thinks you need company?

Runmybathforme · 10/07/2021 21:52

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
Bet your future Son in Laws are going to love you.
JustMarriedBecca · 10/07/2021 22:10

Standard in my family. Also when she's here she treats it like her house. Sorts out the Tupperware drawer and sews labels on the kids school clothes. Absolutely love it.

MIL is the opposite.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2021 22:12

Partner had already said he’d have a word

Looks like it's sorted then OP.

Cherrysoup · 10/07/2021 22:15

Tell your partner to get her to stop. This would drive me insane.