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Original poster

MIL just turning up

112 replies

WITW7 · 10/07/2021 20:31

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

I’ve just moved in with my partner and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My partners mum keeps randomly turning up at the house at any time throughout the day without texting or calling beforehand and without being invited. This is usually for no real reason and she hovers about.

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Prior to meeting me my partner was a single NR Dad and she did a lot to help him, washing and food shops etc but it’s like she can’t get used to the fact he doesn’t need that help anymore. Not that he even did in the first place- he just used to allow her when she offered.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/07/2021 11:09

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

But what if they have friends round?

Just text. It takes a moment

RaginaFalangi · 11/07/2021 11:12

You need to nip this in the bud before the baby comes, set boundaries. That would drive me insane.

Rubyrecka · 11/07/2021 13:24

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

The kind of world where grown adults have healthy boundaries.
Wrotten · 11/07/2021 13:43

My MIL used to do this. I'd moved into my husband's house so I felt I couldn't say anything.

We've since moved and she doesn't have a key.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 11/07/2021 14:01

My MIL was fond of doing this along with a record 18 calls by phone in one day!!! She appeared one day with a very important bus timetable I apparently needed! She had been asked not to show up on our doorstep without checking first in case we were out etc. This particular day she showed up and I answered the door but blocked it instead of standing aside. I sent her away. She then told DP that I had 'kicked her out of the house!'. He replied with 'that' s not what I heard. To be kicked out of a house you have to be in it and you were on the doorstep! ' She was gobsmacked that we had talked about it and since then she always rings first!

BitOfANameChange · 11/07/2021 16:09

@Mandalay246

I really don't get this modern obsession with having to announce that you are going to call on someone. I grew up in the era where you just popped in - if people really didn't want visitors they simply didn't answer the door. I couldn't care less if my family didn't let me know they were coming around.
It's not a modern obsession. When I grew up, we arranged things with people, we didn't just pop round. I don't like people just popping round, and I'm 53 soon.

In some cases, it's just however you grew up, in other cases other factors come in to it.

Like a former friend of mine who couldn't get it into her head that me being asleep when she came round was not being lazy, but me sleeping after a night shift. She popped round unannounced once too often and I snapped at her after just a couple of hours sleep. Instant end of friendship.

And saying to just not answer the door doesn't help, as I was already awake because of her banging on the door. I'm glad I don't do that job any more, I ended up quite sleep dprived.

If ppeople want to see me, text. If I don't answer, don't come round. It's not that hard to understand.

TurquoiseDragon · 11/07/2021 16:11

@forinborin

Is he the parent with residence with respect to his older children? Does MIL provide any childcare for them?

God, I'd love for someone to come and clean when I am absent. A (hypothetical) MIL, a cleaning fairy, the devil himself - I don't care.

In the OP, it says he's the NR parent.
BeyondMyWits · 11/07/2021 16:24

Our families just pop round... yes sometimes it is inconvenient, sometimes a welcome change. If I don't have the time or inclination I just say so at the door.

Different families do it different ways though. I am lucky ours were the same.

RaindropsOnRosie · 11/07/2021 16:36

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
I hope your daughters turn out to be gay, and stay far away from you after they get married.
ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 16:43

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries?
Yes, very wrong.
But only because you're not understanding how boundaries work.
You don't "expect" them from other people, then feel miffed because they did not read your mind.
Your boundary can be wherever you want it to be. But you have to say so! - or how else is MiL going to understand that you don't appreciate impromptu visits?

Also ... what difference does "a baby on the way" make? You are able to state your boundary whether or not you are pregnant.

Partner had already said he’d have a word.
Are you a grown-up, with a mouth?
Or does DH do all your talking for you?

Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?
Depends on the home, & the home-owner.
You (like me) find it abnormal, & don't like it.
Obviously MiL feels differently.
I don't understand why you can't tell her so, instead of wishing she would behave differently, seething silently when she doesn't, & repeatedly allowing her to assume that she is welcome.
It's not fair on either of you.

ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 16:56

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

A world that suits @saraclara & her family.

Nobody's telling your family to stop dropping in on each other. So what's to be "terribly sad" about?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 11/07/2021 16:59

mine did that occasionally then habitually.

I told her to stop and call first so that I can say whether it's convenient or not.
she sulked for a few days then she gave in.
she is loved & welcome.
but there are times I/we just don't want other people here.

all good now

Ohdoleavemealone · 11/07/2021 17:02

My mil used to do this as she was used to it well before I arrived on the scene.
When we got a house together she stopped so I think it was habit rather than anything else.

Gothichouse40 · 11/07/2021 17:02

I got slaughtered on a previous thread on this very topic. So think I will leave this one alone.....

ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 17:04

@Mandalay246

My mum only lives 5 mins away, I can walk there with toddler DS in under 15 mins, and neither of us would just drop in. You never know what's going on in someone's home and it's rude to assume they just have time to host you.

All I can say is some of you must have odd relationships with your families!

Mandalay, you seem to be under the impression that any family without an open door policy is "terribly sad" & "odd".

How hard is it to grasp that other people are not you, & don't have to abide by your notions of what constitutes normality?

User57327259 · 11/07/2021 18:17

@PinkiOcelot I have daughters and sons in law can be just as difficult as any daughter in law.

@Mandalay246 My parents and their friends and relatives would arrive unannounced. We had a phone when I was a child but not many others had one so far back. I never thought anything wrong with that. My in laws rarely locked their door, and when I first met my husband I would knock on the door and wait to be invited in but I was soon told to open the door and come in. I don't know what MNetters are being so stand offish for. They are likely going to be posting in a while that the in laws are not paying enough attention to their baby or them.

saraclara · 11/07/2021 18:37

I don't think it's sad at all. My kids know they're welcome any time, and we're very close. But we all have lives. They involve zoom meetings, friends coming round (at last!), having appointments etc. I let them know if I'm free and thinking of popping round, because I don't want to inconvenience them or to worry that their heart might sink because they're super busy when I turn up. And they each live half an hour away, so who wants an hour's return journey only to find they're out?
Or, jeeze, they and their partners might be having some , um, 'private time' just as I walk through the door!

saraclara · 11/07/2021 18:40

When we were all popping in and out of each others' houses four or five decades ago, life was a lot simpler. People lived closer to each other, women were more likely to be SAHMs and friends and neighbours were in and out all the time too.

Now people work, time is more at a premium, and since we have mobile phones, it's the easiest thing in the world to text and say "are you free?"

Mandalay246 · 11/07/2021 20:42

It's not a modern obsession. When I grew up, we arranged things with people, we didn't just pop round. I don't like people just popping round, and I'm 53 soon.

I'm not in the UK, I am older than you, and when I was growing up popping in to see people (not just family) was most certainly the way people lived. Even now I know people who just call in on someone without announcing it beforehand. I still think it's weird that just calling in on your children/parents is frowned on, and I don't want to live like that myself.

chesterelly · 11/07/2021 20:51

I don't have a problem with people popping in. It's when they forget to pop out again that's the problem.
To me popping in is 5 minutes because you were passing, had something to drop off, confirming plans for later, or some other small reason. it's not driving an hour with your friend, expect to be fed and watered, expect children of the house to be available, not napping or playing with friends, expect house to be immaculate, expect to stay for at least a couple of hours (remembering my mil)

Flgbusterhereagain · 11/07/2021 21:41

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

And what if they're not in? Or busy?

Unless none of your have mobile phones I don't see why you have to just drop in whenever you like.

When your kids were teens did you knock before going into their bedrooms? I'm thinking not.

Rubyrecka · 11/07/2021 23:19

@chesterelly

I don't have a problem with people popping in. It's when they forget to pop out again that's the problem. To me popping in is 5 minutes because you were passing, had something to drop off, confirming plans for later, or some other small reason. it's not driving an hour with your friend, expect to be fed and watered, expect children of the house to be available, not napping or playing with friends, expect house to be immaculate, expect to stay for at least a couple of hours (remembering my mil)
Yes!!!

Popping back out is also the issue.

mediumbrownmug · 11/07/2021 23:55

I’m an American and have never heard of turning up without checking first. Of course things here are spread further apart so it would be quite a long wasted trip every time the person wasn’t home or couldn’t host, so that may factor in. Maybe there are some parts of the USA where this is or used to be common, but not in the places I’ve lived. It’s interesting to see people’s viewpoints.

Moomala · 11/07/2021 23:56

@Mandalay246 I have a friend who's parents just pop in. She is often an hour late to meet me because her parents don't leave when she says she has to go. It's rude in this day and age, people lead busy lives and have appointments and jobs they want to get done. It takes a few minutes to organise a time to meet. I'm fine with my MIL popping by to drop something off and a quick chat but she never asked to come in. We always arrange a time to meet because we respect each others time and when the time is arranged I'm happy to give my focus to her. Same goes with my own mum but she lives a couple of hours away, so we have to arrange times anyway. It's not sad or odd, it's respectful to the other person time.

billy1966 · 11/07/2021 23:59

How long are you with him?

15 weeks pregnant and just moved in.

He sounds like he has relied on his mother a huge amount for an adult🙄.

Is he now planning on doing these things for himself or have you volunteered yourself.

Sounds very strange.

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