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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL just turning up

112 replies

WITW7 · 10/07/2021 20:31

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

I’ve just moved in with my partner and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My partners mum keeps randomly turning up at the house at any time throughout the day without texting or calling beforehand and without being invited. This is usually for no real reason and she hovers about.

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Prior to meeting me my partner was a single NR Dad and she did a lot to help him, washing and food shops etc but it’s like she can’t get used to the fact he doesn’t need that help anymore. Not that he even did in the first place- he just used to allow her when she offered.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

OP posts:
User1357 · 10/07/2021 22:20

Is it normal, just turning up at peoples homes? Ermm, that’s her sons home too.

I don’t think it’s not normal, I think she just needs to be told to ring beforehand.

goddessofmischief · 10/07/2021 22:21

I'd answer the door, stand across the doorway and say "Hi, what's up?".
Let her give you a reason why she's there and if it's not a reason for her to come in, then she doesn't come in. If you don't feel like answering the door, don't. If she's not happy then it's your partners problem.

MaskingForIt · 10/07/2021 22:21

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
Thank god lesbians don’t exist.
Quornflakegirl · 10/07/2021 22:23

This is not normal, nip this in the bud as soon as you can.
My mil used to let herself in and switch the kettle on, often on a Sunday morning (one Sunday we were mid dtd and I heard the kettle whistling). Dh took the key off her the next day!

pastabest · 10/07/2021 22:37

Nip it in the bud.

They aren't understanding the boundaries have changed. If they are like my PILs you will have to very bluntly spell it out to them.

I thought MIL would have understood that she couldn't just walk in and wander round the house uninvited and unannounced the first time she saw me fully naked in my bedroom drying myself after a 'baby nap time' shower. Apparently not, it actually took another two occasions of her seeing me in my full post natal hairy, floppy naked glory before DH finally agreed that he needed to have a word about not just letting herself in.

5 years on and MIL only just about manages to ring us about 50% of the time when she is planning on arriving. The other 50% I usually become aware of her presence when I go into the garden and find her hanging around pretending she's in the area for unrelated reasons.

At least she tries... FIL on the other hand Angry

I wish I had been stroppier in the early days rather than polite. Any attempts to reset boundaries now and she will have a total melt down and I will utterly be the bad guy in DHs family's eyes.

mummysharky · 10/07/2021 22:44

It would drive me mad.

Get some boundaries before baby comes along or things will be unbearable, sooner it's done the better before it becomes routine/ the norm.

Maybe give her something to do that would help you every week so she's not totally put out. But maybe a couple of 'hi I was just going for a nap' moments might help.

I'd have spare key back too!

Don't get too arsy though as she is probably struggling with not being needed and could be a massive help when baby comes... still no excuse however!

Rubyrecka · 10/07/2021 22:50

Both MIL and FIL do this. I didn't mind the one off but it happens most times they come over they'll be uninvited. I remember we organised a Sunday lunch once which was around 2pm and they came over for 10am which I thought was ridiculous. A few days before that they both turned up out the blue and I was on a lecture so they had to leave. At that point I didn't feel at all awkward as I'd already asked them to call or text first, which they ignored!

Set boundaries. If she doesn't listen then show her. E.g. answer the door but say she can't come in as your busy with xyz or just don't answer the door.

ChrissyPlummer · 10/07/2021 22:58

I remember listening to Frank Skinner on his radio show about this kind of issue. He said as soon as the doorbell rings, put a jacket on, if it’s someone you want to see then pretend you’ve just got in, if it’s someone you don’t want to see, then pretend you’re on your way out!

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 23:24

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.
Your daughters won't want you just popping either
EKGEMS · 11/07/2021 01:52

@PinkiOcelot It'll be hard when you visit fitting you and all your smugness into their homes

Ozanj · 11/07/2021 02:21

Your DP’s mum, your DP’s house (so untill you marry you could get kicked out any time), she provides care for his existing children…what does he think? If he agrees with you that’s good, if not do you really want your pregnancy tarred by this? If she pops in unexpectedly then don’t host her, be polite, continue as you are and do what ever you want without her. She will soon start coming over only when your dp is around.

tofuschnitzel · 11/07/2021 02:47

@Ozanj

Your DP’s mum, your DP’s house (so untill you marry you could get kicked out any time), she provides care for his existing children…what does he think? If he agrees with you that’s good, if not do you really want your pregnancy tarred by this? If she pops in unexpectedly then don’t host her, be polite, continue as you are and do what ever you want without her. She will soon start coming over only when your dp is around.
It's OP's home too now, she shares it with her DP and they have a baby on the way. OP isn't a guest! She absolutely has the right to privacy in her home, for you to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

I'd give your DP a chance to talk to his mum about this first. If nothing changes, you may need to address it with her directly. It's incredibly rude of your MIL to let herself in or turn up unannounced.

Billandben444 · 11/07/2021 03:20

I'd ask your DP to tell her that he'd like her key back because his situation has changed and you both need some privacy - hopefully she'll understand this also means please don't keep dropping by. There's no need to be mean or rude to her as presumably he's been grateful for her help until now and your relationship with her son is still relatively new in her eyes.

Lullaby88 · 11/07/2021 03:36

On the other hsnd, after baby arrives you may appreciate an extra pair of hands whilst you rest up! Make use of it :)
I know I would!

Mandalay246 · 11/07/2021 05:27

I really don't get this modern obsession with having to announce that you are going to call on someone. I grew up in the era where you just popped in - if people really didn't want visitors they simply didn't answer the door. I couldn't care less if my family didn't let me know they were coming around.

Cattitudes · 11/07/2021 06:04

If she is used to doing specific tasks to help him with the children you need to consider whether he or you are going to pick up those tasks. So for example their washing he might do but childcare when he is at work and you have a newborn might be more problematic. Don't burn the bridges before you have that discussion with him and don't just take on all the wifework yourself otherwise you will be here in ten years time complaining that even though you now work full time too you end up with all the housework and mental load.

Having said that an open house policy would drive me potty too.

BountyIsUnderrated · 11/07/2021 06:11

I'd nip this in the bud now.
Do you really want her just bursting in when your breastfeeding on the sofa?
You're going to need to set boundaries well before the baby comes otherwise it will drive you crazy.

DeathStare · 11/07/2021 06:20

Just say "oh it's a shame you didnt text beforehand - we're really busy right now I'm afraid" when you answer the door, and don't let her in. If she has a key and let's herself in, get a chain.

saraclara · 11/07/2021 07:28

@Mandalay246

I really don't get this modern obsession with having to announce that you are going to call on someone. I grew up in the era where you just popped in - if people really didn't want visitors they simply didn't answer the door. I couldn't care less if my family didn't let me know they were coming around.
That's how I grew up too. But that was many decades ago and life and social manners have changed.

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning. And they let me know if they're coming over. People don't just turn up at their friends and relatives any more. We have phones etc.

I don't have a camera at my door to let me know who's there so I can not answer if I feel like it. And personally I would find it word to hide in my house and pretend I'm not there, anyway.

MsSquiz · 11/07/2021 08:33

My PIL would do this A LOT when I first moved in with DH (including going round while we were on holiday, going through wardrobes, taking our laundry and telling SIL I took up too much room in her son's wardrobe!) they had always done it when he was single so it continued until we moved into our own home and I refused to give them a key or the code/fob for our electric gates. They only lived in the next street so could easily go home if we weren't in when they "popped" round

My DM had our spare key as she didn't drive (lived 30 mins drive away) and wouldn't dream of just popping in without letting us know.

There was a time our gates were left open and FIL appeared at the glass back door, hammer in hand to do "some jobs" and I was in the kitchen in my flimsy pjs. That only happened once.

You just need to wait until your DP has spoken to her and go from there

Di11y · 11/07/2021 09:07

I think being fairly open about why you want your privacy would hopefully help. In pregnancy I was napping when I could, half naked sometimes (aug baby in heatwave), house was a mess etc. Being sprung MIL would have made me crazy. And especially after birth, when day and night are backwards, baby might just have dozed off and my chance to snooze, or MIL interrupts feeding or whatever.

I'd say that you'd still love to see her but she needs to ask/be invited. Ensure you do so regularly at first, and tail off a little.

Mandalay246 · 11/07/2021 09:08

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

Warrickdaviesasplates · 11/07/2021 09:43

@Mandalay246 the kind of world where people have mobile phones so can be contacted easily to see if they're available.

My mum only lives 5 mins away, I can walk there with toddler DS in under 15 mins, and neither of us would just drop in. You never know what's going on in someone's home and it's rude to assume they just have time to host you.

Mandalay246 · 11/07/2021 10:42

My mum only lives 5 mins away, I can walk there with toddler DS in under 15 mins, and neither of us would just drop in. You never know what's going on in someone's home and it's rude to assume they just have time to host you.

All I can say is some of you must have odd relationships with your families!

forinborin · 11/07/2021 11:09

Is he the parent with residence with respect to his older children? Does MIL provide any childcare for them?

God, I'd love for someone to come and clean when I am absent. A (hypothetical) MIL, a cleaning fairy, the devil himself - I don't care.