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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL just turning up

112 replies

WITW7 · 10/07/2021 20:31

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

I’ve just moved in with my partner and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My partners mum keeps randomly turning up at the house at any time throughout the day without texting or calling beforehand and without being invited. This is usually for no real reason and she hovers about.

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Prior to meeting me my partner was a single NR Dad and she did a lot to help him, washing and food shops etc but it’s like she can’t get used to the fact he doesn’t need that help anymore. Not that he even did in the first place- he just used to allow her when she offered.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

OP posts:

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 12:30

YANBU. I wouldn’t be putting up with that.

If she doesn’t ask first before she can come then she doesn’t get let in.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2021 12:49

@Yondergoat

My ILs used to constantly pop in; then sit there expecting to be waited on for hours.

It was literally decades later I discovered that these visits were prearranged with DH and he didn't tell me because he thought I would be annoyed. So while I was ranting to him about how rude they were just turning up, I expect they were saying how rude I was for not wanting to sit for hours and wait on them.

What the hell? How dare he!

C0RINNA · 12/07/2021 13:07

@WITW7 it might help you to see it from another perspective . Of course I don’t know your MIl so I’m only guessing .

But this is her sons house - he is her legal and blood relative and next of kin. Her son has been using her for years to do his housework and care for his children .

I’m assuming he is not disabled nor works away for weeks at a time so I’m wondering why he doesn’t do his own housework ? Don’t you think it’s a bit exploitative for a man in his ? 30s to have his mother in her ? 60s doing his grunt work?

So he’s been happy to use her like this for years. Then you come along - bands new Gf suddenly pregnant . You have NO legal rights to live there. You are not on the mortgage and you don’t own it. You might be there for a week or 20 years - who knows - it’s up to him. He can kick you out without notice.

Suddenly you expect his long standing domestic arrangements to change for you. You claim that he no longer needs his housework and child care done . You don’t explain why that is - has he hired a nanny or a cleaner ?

Why would your MIL and Dp Change all their plans for you?

What are your plans for when this baby is born? who is going to support it, pay for childcare once you go back to work? Who is going to support you during your maternity leave ? Or do you have an employer who pays full wages for the 6 months ? what about your pension contributions for any unpaid maternity leave ?

Unless you have sorted out all these things and have an agreement / legal contract then I suggest you have a lot more things to worry about than how often your partners family visit his house.

I know you will hate me saying this. You want everyone to say

“ yeah she’s a total cow, lock her out and you become his new servant instead “.

But that won’t help you and your child when things end with the father.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/07/2021 13:51

@BackforGood some people think it is fine that people can literally pop in, so they either have a key or the door isn't locked. So there wouldn't be an option to not open the door, the visitors will have already come into the house

BackforGood · 12/07/2021 14:54

With the existence of universal mobiles and email just "turning up" can be massively inconvenient and is simply rude.

......you forgot to put in in my opinion

As you'll see from any of the hundreds of threads on this over the years, some people think it is rude, and some people don't.

It is fine for people to have different opinions and feelings about things.
I don't see how it is inconvenient though. As Canigooutyet says - if someone calls on the off chance, then you just let them know you haven't got time today.

Billandben444 · 12/07/2021 14:55

@CORINNA
i think you should just say it as it is and not beat about the bush...
Seriously though, this is a great post with a lot of truth in it.

Royalbloo · 12/07/2021 15:01

I'd go out or be in the bath...often...

Royalbloo · 12/07/2021 15:02

C0RINNA hit a nerve???

gillysSong · 12/07/2021 15:03

Stop answering the door, or tell her you'd prefer her calling to ask if you are free.
Maybe she started this when visiting her grandchild, how often does your partner see his child?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 12/07/2021 16:01

@WITW7

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

What's a 'single NR dad'?

I can empathise entirely, OP, cos i've had the same thing with my fil.
I love him dearly, don't get me wrong, but using his key to let himself in, whenever he felt like it just isn't cricket.

There was one occasion, when I didn't even know that he was planning to pop in. Luckily i was just working at my desk, but man alive! What if I wasn't??

I found myself having to leave my own key in the bloody lock to stop him doing it. So he'd have to knock on the door, and when it got to that point, I basically just blurted it out one day.

Best of luck, OP. 👍

Canigooutyet · 12/07/2021 16:02

Lol @corinna projection much?
Didn't you hear they are planning to elope? They don't want the overbearing clueless family members there.

user1498572889 · 12/07/2021 16:59

@Nanny0gg
My daughters complain if I’m in the area and dont pop in to see them. Sometimes I have to be in stealth mode because I don’t want to be out for ages. Both my daughters and my sister live within half a mile of each other so a quick pop to the shops can quickly become a day out. One of my daughters has a FIL who likes to rearrange the furniture and cupboards when he is looking after DGD. It drives my daughter mad. Makes me laugh.

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