MIL just turning up

[WITW7]

Wondering if it’s just me who’s annoyed by this….

I’ve just moved in with my partner and I’m 15 weeks pregnant. My partners mum keeps randomly turning up at the house at any time throughout the day without texting or calling beforehand and without being invited. This is usually for no real reason and she hovers about.

She’s nice and we get on but she’s really nosy and I can’t help thinking she’s developed some sort of fear of missing out on something mentality.

Prior to meeting me my partner was a single NR Dad and she did a lot to help him, washing and food shops etc but it’s like she can’t get used to the fact he doesn’t need that help anymore. Not that he even did in the first place- he just used to allow her when she offered.

Obviously with a baby on the way am I wrong to expect some boundaries? Partner had already said he’d have a word. Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

Hi OP.
Warning. Lots of people will tell you to ‘set your boundaries’ and ‘be firm’ at a time when you probably feel quite vulnerable to her intrusion.

I had the EXACT same issue 18 months ago. We moved in to our new home together (bought by DP, we moved out of my house and into the one he bought). She NEVER visited my house, but felt she had some sort of claim since it was his house.

I didn’t set boundaries to begin with and she walked all over me. She even changed lightbulbs for brighter ones for no reason when I wasn’t home.
Wound up having a huge bust up because I ended up off work sick due to his invasive family members, and still to this day I am made out as if I was unreasonable and crazy.
Be calm. Lock your door and do not answer if you don’t want to. If it’s cleaning she wants to help with, hire someone. Do not allow her to trample your boundaries, even if she does mean well; that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.

Umm, they don't always turn out to have the same sexual preference as expected. Luckily I rather like my slightly younger daughter's wife.

My Fil used to let himself in with the emergency key. He turned up at half past ten at night once, on his way home from something. Just let himself in. We were about to go to bed. We heard the door go and were like ‘wtf?’ and in he strolled, asking for a cup of tea.

He also let himself in one day when we were out. And brought a friend. It was half term, we’d had a party or something the day before, I can’t remember but the house was a tip. He just happened to mention later that they’d been in and made a cup of tea. I was not pleased, the friend must have thought we were right messy bastards.

Couldn’t really take the key away as he used to walk the dog for us sometimes. Was bloody annoying though. He was just one of those men that thought his children’s property was his property.

PinkiOcelot

Whao!

The thing is I imagine this woman misses having her son and grandchild around so much and that can happen whether it is your son or daughter who moves out

Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

It is in my world, and people who visit me, and people that I might pop in to (like my parents when they were still alive). However, it comes up on MN very, very often and I've learned from those threads that there are quite a lot of people who seem to think even close family and friends need an appointment which I find incredibly odd.

I assume people who either pop into other people’s homes or don’t mind other people popping in, can’t have busy lives. Both DH and I mainly WFH now, so someone popping in will more than likely find at least one of us on a Teams meeting or working at our desk. And at weekends and in the evenings (pre COVID) we would either be ferrying DC to activities, walking the dog, meeting friends, catching up with housework or just relaxing after a busy week. Now we are ferrying DC between jobs as well, so it would be really inconvenient someone just popping in

Has it not occurred anybody that @PinkiOcelot might know the orientation of her own daughters.

My daughter isn't gay, so I can be fairly certain I won't have a daughter in law.

I'm always puzzled by these clingy MILs. Don't they have lives? Why are they still clinging to adult sons instead of taking the opportunity to socialise and travel and do all the lovely things that are difficult with a child in tow?

@BackforGood

Is this normal, just turning up at people’s homes?

It is in my world, and people who visit me, and people that I might pop in to (like my parents when they were still alive). However, it comes up on MN very, very often and I've learned from those threads that there are quite a lot of people who seem to think even close family and friends need an appointment which I find incredibly odd.

There's a big difference between 'needing an appointment' and a quick call or text to check someone's home and up for visitors, saving you both some inconvenience if they aren't.

Like a pp I do wonder if this is more normal among people who spend the majority of their days at home and not working.

I think if WFH does become the norm, there will be less popping in. It’s not like your DM/MIL would normally (I hope) just pop into your workplace and make themselves a cup of tea

Only one relative has got the keys to my home and his is not a "popper in". This would drive me nuts. I would be rationing her to one visit a fortnight.

@ineedaholidaynow

I think if WFH does become the norm, there will be less popping in. It’s not like your DM/MIL would normally (I hope) just pop into your workplace and make themselves a cup of tea

I have wfh for many years and unfortunately people do not respect the boundary of you working at home and will ring up, pop in etc in a way that they never would if you were in an office.

For information - I lead a full and busy life. I've been in paid employment for 40 years, I've raised 3 dc and I volunteer in more than one organisation and I have interests and hobbies and friends. I have spent a lot of the week wfh for several years before COVID.
That's the thing with dropping in on someone when you are passing - you are completely aware it might not be a good time or they might not be in, and that is fine. Equally when people pop in on us, you are able to tell them you are working / just going out / have only got a minute and that is fine too. Obviously, if I were traveling to somewhere, then I'd check if they were in first. I'm talking about if you are passing somewhere.

@memberofthewedding I don't think we are talking about people letting themselves in - that is a completely different line. We are talking about people knocking on the door or ringing the bell.
@Cattitudes - I don't find that at all. People that know me well know when my working days are, and people who don't know that about me are less likely to pop in anyway. Plus, in my job, if I'm not in a meeting at that point, it often would be perfectly feasible to take a tea break whilst having a chat to a friend and then finishing a bit later that evening. I realise not everyone can do that, but many wfh people can.

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.

I'd give my own mother wrong if she just showed up at my home multiple times unannounced and uninvited.

Your daughters might be gay and you could have a DIL.

I feel sorry for the women or men your dugters end up with

I have wfh for many years and unfortunately people do not respect the boundary of you working at home and will ring up, pop in etc in a way that they never would if you were in an office.

This is what I found and why i hate wfh and am glad we are going back to the office. We are already back half the time anyway now.

People cannot hassle you or ask you to do things if you are not physically at home. No one can intrude in your office.

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't turn up at my own daughters' without warning.

I think that is terribly sad. What sort of a world are we living in when you can't just drop in on your own children?? Or they can't just drop in on you??

What if they're shagging in the living room?

My ILs turned up unannounced about a month after our wedding & caught us in bed on a Sunday afternoon - they never did it again

@PiggyMelon - then presumably they wouldn't answer the door.

I assume people who either pop into other people’s homes or don’t mind other people popping in, can’t have busy lives....

Why?
I have a busy life, if someone comes round I am capable of letting them know if I'm busy, or giving them a job to do alongside me, or sitting down with a cuppa and cake. People who come round unannounced generally realise that.

Some like spontaneous drop ins, some don't.

@PinkiOcelot

So pleased I have daughters so I don’t need to put up with a daughter in law.

I adore both my DSIL and my DDIL but out of the two my DSIL is by far the pricklier character. I don’t just turn up without asking first but I know DDIL would be far more relaxed about it than DSIL. It’s not a gender thing- it’s a personality thing. It’s taken longer to get round DSIL’s natural reserve and DDIL is from a large family so totally relaxed with the way we do things. Obviously love them both but more naturally like my DDIL than my DSIL

@ineedaholidaynow

I think if WFH does become the norm, there will be less popping in. It’s not like your DM/MIL would normally (I hope) just pop into your workplace and make themselves a cup of tea

You'd think so, but ...

I've been WFH for 20 years now.
Constantly gobsmacked at the array of people who imagine that my work hours are actually leisure time, & that I 'ought' to tolerate their dropping-in, phone calls, & even requests to do favours on my company time.

None of these offending parties would have dared to behave this way if I had been working for a 'proper' company with premises & a boss. I know this, because I asked 'em.

This was the most insulting realisation of all - that the 'poppers in/random phone chatters' actually had more respect for an imaginary boss than they did for me, & my company's time.

When I meet people and get round to the swapping addresses bit, I am clear that it you pop round it's a risk you take.

I detest all this mind reading crap. It's normal to have boundaries that differ to others. People's feelings get hurt they will get over it. If the want to sulk treat them like an overgrown toddler, ignore and carry on doing what you was doing.

People overstaying their welcome ask them if they have a home to go to. Never understood that one as a child, other adults just popping around, then spending hours almost in silence watching the tv.

And why as a NR did he need so much help that she is not coping?
If it's cos she's lonely or whatever, not really your problem.

I really don't get this modern obsession with having to announce that you are going to call on someone. I grew up in the era where you just popped in - if people really didn't want visitors they simply didn't answer the door

When I was a kid and young woman back in the 1950s and 1960s there were no mobiles and many people were not on the phone at all! Few people even had cars. At the same time shops and cinemas etc were closed on sundays and there was little to do except go to church and visit. This was the day when people "dropped in".

Its not so much a modern "obsession" as the fact that we now lead much more complex lives with many commitments. With the existence of universal mobiles and email just "turning up" can be massively inconvenient and is simply rude.

think if WFH does become the norm, there will be less popping in. It’s not like your DM/MIL would normally (I hope) just pop into your workplace and make themselves a cup of tea

😂😂 that's wishful thinking.

I have a childminder friend until they put their foot down, lots of family fallouts, grudges still held years later, after People were told bluntly to stop. They wouldnt just walk into the nursery, plonk themselves down on the sofa and ask/demand a cuppa, so why are they doing it now.

Same with term time workers. People find that out and for some bizarre reason you become a magnate to people who think you don't have anything else to do.

My ILs used to constantly pop in; then sit there expecting to be waited on for hours.

It was literally decades later I discovered that these visits were prearranged with DH and he didn't tell me because he thought I would be annoyed. So while I was ranting to him about how rude they were just turning up, I expect they were saying how rude I was for not wanting to sit for hours and wait on them.