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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's rude inviting extras to someone's house?

106 replies

pilingup · 10/07/2021 12:56

I've planned a get together for a special occasion next week and just invited just my parents and in laws - we don't have a big garden and the food I'm doing is more knife and fork style rather than sandwiches/sausage rolls etc so with our household and them we are full.

Anyway it turns out my dm's best friend p/my godmother who we haven't seen for years is staying locally for a few days and she's told them it's fine for them to come (in fairness they haven't seen each other for years so I let that slide)

Then yesterday I found out that dm has been telling my siblings about my "party" and they're also expecting to come, so it's just all getting out of hand. If I tell them they can't come I'll be the bad guy! I can't even change the food as I've bought all the ingredients.

OP posts:

motogogo · 10/07/2021 13:01

Can't you change to just a plate lap with fork menu - if you let me know what ingredients you have bought already I can probably rework it for you. Your dm has overstepped the mark but she probably didn't realise they weren't going to be invited, and your godmother was already visiting. I can't see how you could have bought all the ingredients anyway, what lasts a whole week unless it's frozen in which case it keeps for the future.

Leeds2 · 10/07/2021 13:03

I would text/speak to the siblings and explain that they aren't invited for lunch as DM had got the wrong end of the stick, and there simply isn't room to host them. Maybe say that can come for drinks after the meal, but only if you are comfortable with this. Do not give in should they start to tantrum.

FoxVillage · 10/07/2021 13:05

Friends, yes, but I think with family I would be more flexible.

What kind of food have you bought?

Poptart4 · 10/07/2021 13:05

YANBU, this is down to a lack of basic respect. I'm sure your mam would never invite extras to a friends house but because your family she doesn't afford you the same respect.

It would look bad on you to disinvite these people now. Can you freeze the food you have and get some finger food?

You need to talk to your mam and explain to her that you don't have the food/space for all these extra people and she's putting you in a difficult position. Make it clear she can't do this in future.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/07/2021 13:08

I think the godmother part is reasonable.. it’s only one extra person, she’s only here for a short time, and she hasn’t seen her for years. Including the sibs - who presumably you can see any time - is definitely too much.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 13:10

I agree with the PP - tell your siblings they can come later for a cup of tea. They won't bother!

DrManhattan · 10/07/2021 13:11

Yes its rude

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 13:12

YANBU. It's really rude.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/07/2021 13:14

Really rude, was it a misunderstanding? I'd be asking your mam to tell them she made a mistake.

Ninkanink · 10/07/2021 13:14

Extremely rude.

This kind of inconsiderate entitlement pisses me off something fierce.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 10/07/2021 13:18

Surely it's easy to tell your siblings no? They're your siblings they should understand. "Hey bro, mum mentioned she'd invited you round to mine for dinner, she's also invited half the neighbourhood! Obviously I can't feed everyone at once, don't even think I have as many plates as people she's invited 😂 you know you're welcome any time (except next Friday between 6-9!)"

Or ask your mum to host since you're celebrating a special occasion and she's invited half the guests?

RightOnTheEdge · 10/07/2021 13:19

Yes, it's very rude OP family or not.
The Godmother isn't too bad but she still should have asked if it was OK before inviting her. Have you explained the situation to your mum? She needs to say to your siblings that she made a mistake.
Why should you have to change your plans or not use food you've bought and have to buy more?

What if the in laws decide to invite their best friends and family too?

Raaaaaaarr · 10/07/2021 13:22

I find this quite interesting and a cultural thing. I'm guessing you're English. I think the way you refer to family as 'people' a bit unusual to be really honest.

Raaaaaaarr · 10/07/2021 13:23

Or 'extras' rather

Howshouldibehave · 10/07/2021 13:23

I would say to your mum that due to her inviting her own guests, it’s either happening at her house now or not at all.

I can’t imagine my mum doing this in a million years!

AncientandFabulous · 10/07/2021 13:24

@Raaaaaaarr

I find this quite interesting and a cultural thing. I'm guessing you're English. I think the way you refer to family as 'people' a bit unusual to be really honest.

Same. Perfectly normal in my family & culture. Happens all the time even to weddings.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/07/2021 13:25

Family or not, it is rude and a major pain in the ass.

My brother did similar…for my very small wedding! I was furious! I told he I could manage the extra guests only if he and his girlfriend weren’t planning on coming. Unfortunately, he and his girlfriend attended (frankly, I would have preferred the extra guests instead but my mum insisted that he was invited). Mum made him uninvite the extras though.

VettiyaIruken · 10/07/2021 13:26

You need to tell your mum to sort it. Explain you've bought the food and can't stretch it to feed additional people. She created this, she needs to take responsibility for sorting it out without putting the blame on you!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/07/2021 13:27

@AnUnoriginalUsername

Or ask your mum to host since you're celebrating a special occasion and she's invited half the guests?

Nicely phrased! This is an excellent way to handle it. (I’d probably just call everyone, including mum, to cancel it).

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/07/2021 13:28

Can she host instead? Sounds like she has more than doubled the numbers. If your house isn't big enough and you've only enough food for six then she needs to sort it.

VerticalHorizon · 10/07/2021 13:31

I am sure she thinks she's doing the right think, but sometimes, people just like a low key affair.
I really don't feel comfortable at larger parties if I am the focus of attention, but a small informal one is ok. I'd really not like the idea of the number growing just because someone else thought it was ok.

PegasusReturns · 10/07/2021 13:36

I couldn’t get bothered about this but I love a full house and a big celebration.

I also can’t think of a single special occasion celebration where Id invite parents and in-laws but not my siblings so that in itself is strange to me.

PinkArt · 10/07/2021 13:43

'Hi siblings, just found out mum's got the wrong end of the stick and invited you to 'my party'! There is no party, just lunch with the folks and we've already got food in for the right numbers. Would you be free next weekend though for us all to do something?'
Don't suck it up because your mum created a situation

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2021 13:46

Oh god this is kind of thing mil does. Get on the phone to siblings and have a chat. If they desperately want to come - tell them to bring food

Waspsarearseholes · 10/07/2021 13:54

The thing is, of you don't have enough chairs, plates and cutlery for everyone then you can't just squeeze in one extra person. We'd be able to host eight and that's that. It would be incredibly embarrassing for a guest to arrive, assuming they'd been invited by the host, to find there isn't a chair and a setting at the table fid them. The mother should absolutely not have invited anyone else before checking with you. At a BBQ/lunch on your lap affair then the more the merrier but not for a air down lunch.

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