To think it's rude inviting extras to someone's house?

[pilingup]

I've planned a get together for a special occasion next week and just invited just my parents and in laws - we don't have a big garden and the food I'm doing is more knife and fork style rather than sandwiches/sausage rolls etc so with our household and them we are full.

Anyway it turns out my dm's best friend p/my godmother who we haven't seen for years is staying locally for a few days and she's told them it's fine for them to come (in fairness they haven't seen each other for years so I let that slide)

Then yesterday I found out that dm has been telling my siblings about my "party" and they're also expecting to come, so it's just all getting out of hand. If I tell them they can't come I'll be the bad guy! I can't even change the food as I've bought all the ingredients.

I would message to say, we can't accommodate all of the people that you have invited...so let's move it to your house.

let her take the strain. I know you said she can't but it might make her think.
if she wants a massive party..she can host it!

Seriously, do you have pot luck parties in the UK? Where people arbre invited to a party, but they each bring a dish? If your mother-in-law invited a whole bunch of people you didn't expect, you can still have them come, but ask them to bring a starter or a main dish or a dessert. Then get paper plates and make a simple main dish in large quantities and a plate. People don't really have to cook, they can pick up something at the supermarket if they're desperate. But considering the circumstances, they'd probably be agreeable.

@PrincessNutella

Seriously, do you have pot luck parties in the UK? Where people arbre invited to a party, but they each bring a dish? If your mother-in-law invited a whole bunch of people you didn't expect, you can still have them come, but ask them to bring a starter or a main dish or a dessert. Then get paper plates and make a simple main dish in large quantities and a plate. People don't really have to cook, they can pick up something at the supermarket if they're desperate. But considering the circumstances, they'd probably be agreeable.

But why should she change the meal her DH has requested for his birthday just because her mother wanted a different type of party. It's not even his siblings invited, OP'S mother has made it all about her and her family/ friends. It is like her husband has said he wants a sit down curry meal with trifle and turning it into a stand up BBQ with fairy cakes.

@PrincessNutella

Seriously, do you have pot luck parties in the UK? Where people arbre invited to a party, but they each bring a dish? If your mother-in-law invited a whole bunch of people you didn't expect, you can still have them come, but ask them to bring a starter or a main dish or a dessert. Then get paper plates and make a simple main dish in large quantities and a plate. People don't really have to cook, they can pick up something at the supermarket if they're desperate. But considering the circumstances, they'd probably be agreeable.

A paper-plate potluck instead of the elegant small dinner the OP had planned would be quite a downer.

I remember cooking for inlaws once. Thought I was cooking for 4 - a lovely marinated roast. No, they invited people. Ended up cooking for 14! One roast wasn't going to cut it, so the second was a bit of a rush and not marinated as long.

@k1233

I remember cooking for inlaws once. Thought I was cooking for 4 - a lovely marinated roast. No, they invited people. Ended up cooking for 14! One roast wasn't going to cut it, so the second was a bit of a rush and not marinated as long.

So they brought ten people with them???

How much notice did you have? And how did you have enough food for them all? And did you go no-contact shortly after???

I was cooking at their place - they had the room for that many people, I certainly didn't. Had to go and do another shop for more food. Not much notice at all - found out when I got there.

I’d have to say no to the extras. You’ve bought the food in and have limited space. Family and friends (especially the kind that double the numbers when you’re cooking and paying) will surely understand.

Cancel the whole thing, go out to dinner with your husband & his parents instead. Sorted.

I would call my siblings and say sorry folks Mother has done it again, I have planned the menu as per DH's request and I can't really scale it up, please join us for fizz and cake later.

At our house it’s fine.

Wife with phone: Sure! No problem. (Covers phone.) Go and buy more mince and pasta. And wine.

Me: Yep.Get the kids to sort the table out.

Wife: I haven’t seen your brother in weeks. Will they bring the kids?

Me: I imagine so. I’ll get something veggie for Jess.

Wife: We’ll need to get the bootfair chairs from the attic.

We wouldn’t think it unreasonable.

Cancel.

Tapped ‘post’ by mistake...
Cancel. Explain to everyone that your original sit down meal for 6 has been rearranged by other people and you can’t do it.

I would make my Mum do the uninviting if she did this to me.

1. Call you mother up and tell her in no uncertain terms not to invite any more people, as the extras she’s already invited are causing you a headache.

1. Knowing she has form, the next time you invite her to something, expressly tell her that the invitation is for her and your Dad, and no-one else.

And for the record, I’m a ‘more the merrier’ type. But this isn’t about me, and it’s a clearly a real inconvenience for you.

It sounds like you need to stand up to your mother if she has form for this. It's not fair on you're DH to turn his birthday into a family reunion for his in laws. I'd be tempted just to have him and his parents

People who do this are generally people who never entertain themselves. I hosted a leaving dinner for a work colleague, invited the maximum number (his list) of people who would fit into my flat, and then found out that one of the guests forwarded the email to the entire department. I had all of these random people I’d never met emailing me, saying they’d love to come (there were about 50 staff in the department in two locations), and having to email them all saying they weren’t actually invited.

The siblings can be told that your mother misunderstood. I'd rather be the bad guy than have my plans ruined. And I'd tell my mother what I was doing and why. It's time for her to learn that she can't do this.

@MrsSchadenfreude

People who do this are generally people who never entertain themselves. I hosted a leaving dinner for a work colleague, invited the maximum number (his list) of people who would fit into my flat, and then found out that one of the guests forwarded the email to the entire department. I had all of these random people I’d never met emailing me, saying they’d love to come (there were about 50 staff in the department in two locations), and having to email them all saying they weren’t actually invited.

So why dont you feel able to talk to your sibling to set them straight?

Does your DH want your siblings at his birthday party?

If not, grow a spine for his sake and tell them you're sorry but it's just a small meal for parents not a party for the whole family.

If he does, suck it up and make some changes so you can accommodate.

In either case, after the meal, have a bit of a go at your mum. She's choosing to do this. It isn't some sort of accident that just keeps on happening for no apparent reason.

Honestly I would tell your dm to contact your siblings and tell them that she got the wrong end of the stick and that they are not invited.

I would tell them what you're cooking, and ask them to bring along a side-dish that complements it.

I would be having words with your mother as this isn't the first time she has done this and it clearly bothers you! It is the kind of thing my inlaws would do all the time tbh but instead of quietly seething I told them they could of course invite whoever they wanted to their home but not mine!

You need to do something similar if you want it to stop otherwise seethe away!