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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude inviting extras to someone's house?

106 replies

pilingup · 10/07/2021 12:56

I've planned a get together for a special occasion next week and just invited just my parents and in laws - we don't have a big garden and the food I'm doing is more knife and fork style rather than sandwiches/sausage rolls etc so with our household and them we are full.

Anyway it turns out my dm's best friend p/my godmother who we haven't seen for years is staying locally for a few days and she's told them it's fine for them to come (in fairness they haven't seen each other for years so I let that slide)

Then yesterday I found out that dm has been telling my siblings about my "party" and they're also expecting to come, so it's just all getting out of hand. If I tell them they can't come I'll be the bad guy! I can't even change the food as I've bought all the ingredients.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 10/07/2021 13:55

*sit down lunch

Waspsarearseholes · 10/07/2021 13:56

Oh man, so many typos! I hope you can decipher what I meant!

Viviennemary · 10/07/2021 13:58

Id cancel the whole thing. Say you're ill.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/07/2021 13:59

eek!

she's way out of line inviting them without asking you.
I'd be tempted to cancel the whole thing and sulk.
(Yes, occasionally I don't choose the high road)

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2021 14:00

For me it would be the fact that your in laws are basically going to a bit reunion of YOUR family, not very fair on them

Original poster
pilingup · 10/07/2021 14:08

I think the way you refer to family as 'people' a bit unusual to be really honest.

Well they are people? As in human beings.

OP posts:
RitaFires · 10/07/2021 14:11

I would call the siblings and clarify it's a dinner for parents not a party and your mum got the wrong end of the stick. If your mum wants a more the merrier type of event then she should host it. A chat is definitely in order but whether you can extricate yourself from this without hurt feelings is anyone's guess.

Original poster
pilingup · 10/07/2021 14:11

Can she host instead? Sounds like she has more than doubled the numbers.

She can't host, she's not well enough and only has a tiny bungalow. Yes she has doubled the numbers - it's not the first time she's done this sort of thing either!

It's not about the cost at all, it's just space/logistics/cooking the type of food for that many people (it's DH's birthday and I'm cooking what he requested)

OP posts:
PurBal · 10/07/2021 14:16

I’d contact siblings and tell them mum got the wrong end of the stick (again), it’s just a small dinner for DH birthday and not even his siblings are invited (if he has any). My mum is a bit like yours and this happens a lot, my siblings are more than understanding.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2021 14:19

I am intrigued that to celebrate your husband's birthday, his choice is to have not only his own parents for a meal but his inlaws as well!

Wouldn't he rather go out with some friends?

JenniferWooley · 10/07/2021 14:21

Slightly worried now as I'm heading out to a BBQ that my dad invited me & my sister to as extras this afternoon - it's his cousin but pretty sure it won't be an issue though as our family is pretty flexible with this sort of thing probably due to it being huge & everyone just makes room - I have my cousin, her husband & their 2 teenage sons coming to stay in my 2 bed flat for the weekend for a family party in September no idea where everyone will sleep but we'll figure it out!

But then we don't even text/call before showing up at relatives doors to visit which is a big Mumsnet no no

OP if it bothers you that much then you'll have to explain to your siblings that you don't have the space/food to host them all.

Original poster
pilingup · 10/07/2021 14:24

@Chamomileteaplease

I am intrigued that to celebrate your husband's birthday, his choice is to have not only his own parents for a meal but his inlaws as well!

Wouldn't he rather go out with some friends?

Well he's known my parents for 30 years and is probably closer to them than his own parents so not that intriguing. Our closest friends are away at the moment.
OP posts:
Paq · 10/07/2021 14:25

I think you are being inflexible. Freeze or repurpose the food you have bought and welcome everyone.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 14:29

Very rude.

Did you ask your mother what she was thinking?

RitaFires · 10/07/2021 14:31

I think the fact that it's your husband's birthday makes the attempted hijacking by your mother even worse. He should be allowed to celebrate it in the manner he chooses and with the people that he wants to be there.

Chloemol · 10/07/2021 14:31

I would tell your mother that as she invited them this is the food she needs to bring to cater for them, or she can tell them she got the wrong end of the stick and they are not actually invited due to space constraints.

PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 14:33

@pilingup

Can she host instead? Sounds like she has more than doubled the numbers.

She can't host, she's not well enough and only has a tiny bungalow. Yes she has doubled the numbers - it's not the first time she's done this sort of thing either!

It's not about the cost at all, it's just space/logistics/cooking the type of food for that many people (it's DH's birthday and I'm cooking what he requested)

Have you told her no? I'd simply say sorry, we can't accommodate extras. Let her tell them they can't come.

Dontbeme · 10/07/2021 14:35

Cancel your parents (and half the neighborhood your mum invited) have dinner with your husband and his parents instead. Your mother cannot be allowed to hijack your DH birthday because she wants a party full of her guests that someone else does the donkey work for. Has your husband even met this friend that your mother invited?

Cabinfever10 · 10/07/2021 14:37

Text everyone that your mum has invited and uninvite them.
This sort of thing is really disrespectful and caused a couple of bust ups between my mum and my family when each of us has had to enforce boundaries with my mum

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 10/07/2021 14:37

I love MN!
I love the differences of opinion about stuff like this.
I would be very miffed if I arranged a dinner and one of my guests invited other people.
It's fascinating to read other people's views.
I loathe being organised by other people. I like to extend the same courtesy too.

FoxVillage · 10/07/2021 14:42

@Skybluepinkgiraffe

I love MN! I love the differences of opinion about stuff like this. I would be very miffed if I arranged a dinner and one of my guests invited other people. It's fascinating to read other people's views. I loathe being organised by other people. I like to extend the same courtesy too.
It is interesting!

If I invited my parents around for dinner and they said they'd invited my brother and his family too, I wouldn't care. Actually, I probably would have invited my brother already. I'd probably do a BBQ and bring in loads of booze and do the special dinner for DH the night before or something.

It really wouldn't bother me at all. But, I get the OP feels differently.

PercyPiginaWig · 10/07/2021 14:48

My family is very relaxed, extras turn up for dinner at my parents', we often had randoms and they were made welcome.

BUT this is your DH's birthday so I would want to make it about him.
If your godmother hasn't seen any of you in ages then I'd organise a separare gathering for your family and her (not at your house if you don't want to!)

3Britnee · 10/07/2021 14:54

What food is it?

aiwblam · 10/07/2021 14:56

I’d cancel the do.
I just can’t tolerate cheeky fuckers anymore.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/07/2021 14:58

I'm assuming it's an indoor sit down meal? If so then the rule of 6 should stand which means they can't come. Such a shame 😁