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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend said he's starting to not like me

137 replies

nelma · 10/07/2021 01:08

Long story short, for the past couple of weeks my boyfriend and I (of 2 years) have been arguing a lot. I can't even tell you what half of these arguments have been about they have been that petty, and honestly I don't have the energy to delve into things right now. But today's argument struck me different. My boyfriend told me there are certain things about the way that I carry myself which are the opposite of what he looks for in a woman, and me not possessing those certain qualities is making him not like me. As he said that I told him to stop because he was being hurtful to which he replied that he wasn't being hurtful it's just that the truth was hurting me because that's what the truth does, it hurts.

It's been a couple hours and we haven't spoken since. we've just had a baby 5 weeks ago, and they have been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. What he said has really been the cherry on top, and I don't know what to do going forward. AIBU in wanting to end the relationship over this comment?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 10/07/2021 08:56

What exactly is it about the way you carry yourself as mother to a newborn that makes him not like you? What a giant turd he is.

godmum56 · 10/07/2021 08:57

what a git!

Mrstamborineman · 10/07/2021 09:05

He is asking you to end it.
He is a cowardly bastard and won’t do it in a respectful way.
He is being a shit stick so that you run away and he is a blameless victim of being dumped.

bathsh3ba · 10/07/2021 09:08

You are absolutely NBU to be upset about this, but, in the context of 5 weeks after a massive life change, I would not be quick to make further lifechanging decisions. That's not to say you shouldn't leave him, just take time to consider it.

Obviously giving birth and caring for the baby has had a bigger impact on you than him, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's had no effect on him. If he is also sleep deprived and struggling with the shift to parenthood (as many mums and dads do), he may have been reacting in the moment.

My ex-husband and I have been split up for 7 years now but I still remember when we went to see a marriage therapist and the first thing she said was that we had really been through a lot together and it was no surprise we were struggling. And it was true: he had a DVT on the flight back from our honeymoon, then I had a miscarriage, then we had DD1 who needed surgery as a baby and very soon after her DD2.

Ultimately we didn't work out and maybe you won't work out. But sometimes I think the Mumsnet collective is a bit quick to say 'LTB'.

wjg65ka · 10/07/2021 09:11

He should've brought this up prior to you being pregnant. I don't think I could go further with him

Youdiditanyway · 10/07/2021 09:13

Babies add a certain strain and pressure to any relationship, irrespective of how strong it was before. 5 weeks in I’d imagine you’re both utterly exhausted and tired people really do say silly things in anger. I’d be inclined to let the dust settle and see if he apologises, if not then perhaps a trial separation could work? It’s hard to say because I know how strained my marriage was after our first in particular, we argued quite a lot and it was always petty (can’t remember any of it now at all!) but we were just so knackered.

LIZS · 10/07/2021 09:13

The way you carry yourself, really ? Is he two hundred years old? He is being deliberately nasty just when you are tired and vulnerable. Has he always had a hurtful and potentially abusive streak, or is he feeling your attention is, quite rightly, more on your baby.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/07/2021 09:15

I think you might say that his lack of sensitivity is not what you look for in a man and sadly for him it has changed how you feel about him and you can't view him in the same light anymore.

lazylinguist · 10/07/2021 09:15

The only 'truth' he's revealed to you is that he's a massive arsehole. If I were you I'd say "Yes, the truth does hurt. The truth that the father of my child is a shallow, cruel, unpleasant dickhead!".

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 10/07/2021 09:17

...about the way that I carry myself which are the opposite of what he looks for in a woman, and me not possessing those certain qualities is making him not like me.

...Your womanning all wrong!....your too opinionated,.... your not listening to HIM... your not running around after him....your not doing what he wants....your not being a support human for him...

Standrewsschool · 10/07/2021 09:19

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Non-congratulations on the dp.

Babies are stressful in the first few weeks, and some people cope better than others. However, his words are awful. He should be supporting you, and sharing these precious moments, not critiscising. Was he expecting your body to bounce back to your pre-pregnancy look?

I was talking to a new dad who said ‘we are expressing milk’. My (mn-influenced) feminist side if me asked he was expressing milk. He then explained how the midwife explained how the man as included in everything as they’re a team - ‘we are expressing’, and that’s how you should be, a team.

All the best for the future.

Standrewsschool · 10/07/2021 09:20

And he’s not acting as a team, but as a indiot.

Pancakeorcrepe · 10/07/2021 09:21

Omg I was horrified to read through your message and realise you have a tiny baby! How dare he make these comments! What a disgusting pig of a man!!
Lady, you and your little one are worth so much more.

Neuts346 · 10/07/2021 09:26

He sounds like a prize Nob. Absolutely unbelievable that he would trot that shit out to you whilst you gave birth to his baby 5 weeks ago.
Tell him his cruel comments have shown you the truth about him too, and it’s causing you not to like him. Twat.

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 10/07/2021 09:29

Congratulations on you baby OP.

Your partner is a selfish prick and as pp have said, this is a time when you need support and compassion. The fact that he would be so nasty when you’re at your most vulnerable says more about him than you.

💐 💐💐

Brown76 · 10/07/2021 09:29

My response to that would have been: “Well why have you wasted 2 years of my time, and chosen me to be the mother of your children then?. What’s wrong with you? Have you got low self-esteem?’

There’s nothing wrong with you, nobody forced him to date you, and this isn’t ‘the truth’ it’s his opinion which he’s decided to voice in the most hurtful way possible and then refused to take responsibility for. So you’re not being unreasonable.

Undertheoldlindentree · 10/07/2021 09:31

Be strong. Like yourself. Surround yourself with people that like and love you. You (and therefore your baby) will be much happier. Please line up support from friends and family and ask him to leave. He will still be the baby's father, but you will have a life of new possibilities ahead (without someone that puts you down).

FreekStar2 · 10/07/2021 09:35

In my past experience, the 18 month/2 year mark is the maker or breaker for a relationship. This is when the initial lusty/in love part of the relationship wanes and it's either bye bye or it settles into a deeper more serious stable friendship based relationship. Sounds like yours is the former for your boyfriend.

But what on earth were you doing starting a family within such a new relationship?

Penistoe · 10/07/2021 09:36

This is unforgivable and even if you stay it will fester and ruin your confidence. Move forward and upwards. What a dick.

Foofer · 10/07/2021 09:39

I’d bet good money there is NOTHING wrong with “how you carry yourself” and I know for sure IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT he’s speaking to you like that.

5 weeks after giving birth you must be feeling vulnerable, knackered and have a bit of a foggy head (I know I did!) so it’d be easy to let his stupid words cut deep. Try not to let them! You are a new mum and you’re doing great - this is the hardest stage, it will start getting easier bit by bit.

Ignore him, he can piss off. Fucking cabbage.

RadandMad · 10/07/2021 09:39

It's impossible to overstate the sheer cruelty and nastiness of what he said to you. This man is a toxic pile of sh*t. I'm so sorry you have had to discover this at such a vulnerable time.

DoubleTweenQueen · 10/07/2021 09:45

It's one thing for there to be sleep-deprivation tension and arguments after welcoming a new baby, but what your b said strikes me as the result of considered thought rather than heat of the moment.

I've never said this before, but what a b#####d.
How f#####g dare he - 5weeks!

You have every right to be questioning your relationship. I don't imagine he's since made a grovelling apology?

What are your options?

Meadowlands1 · 10/07/2021 09:47

Another voice for he is cheating and doing this because he is an utter knob. Get rid of him now.

And congrats on your newborn and btw, you look great and are doing an amazing job. Don't let anyone ever tell you different.

NewlyGranny · 10/07/2021 09:49

Hd grief. Tell him you haven't just been carrying yourself, you've been carrying his child!

It's a wee bit late for him to decide there were fundamental things he didn't like about you, isn't it? Why did he embark on a pregnancy with someone he had so many doubts about?

I think I'd be inclined to say to him, "If you were me, and had just spent months growing and then giving birth to this baby from your own body, what exactly would you be doing differently?" Make him list it. Be explicit.

And then make a list of what you would be doing if he was the mother, to show him what you expect, and give it to him.

I wonder if he genuinely thought nothing would change for him? How old is he?

willowmelangell · 10/07/2021 09:49

What 'truths' would you like to tell him op?

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