Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Boyfriend said he's starting to not like me

137 replies

nelma · 10/07/2021 01:08

Long story short, for the past couple of weeks my boyfriend and I (of 2 years) have been arguing a lot. I can't even tell you what half of these arguments have been about they have been that petty, and honestly I don't have the energy to delve into things right now. But today's argument struck me different. My boyfriend told me there are certain things about the way that I carry myself which are the opposite of what he looks for in a woman, and me not possessing those certain qualities is making him not like me. As he said that I told him to stop because he was being hurtful to which he replied that he wasn't being hurtful it's just that the truth was hurting me because that's what the truth does, it hurts.

It's been a couple hours and we haven't spoken since. we've just had a baby 5 weeks ago, and they have been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. What he said has really been the cherry on top, and I don't know what to do going forward. AIBU in wanting to end the relationship over this comment?

OP posts:

bookishtartlet · 10/07/2021 04:59

What a total arsehole. I'm sorry you're going through this at such a vulnerable time. Get his arse out of the door and have someone stay that can support you. Once you've recovered from birth and new motherhood you will totally see this for what it is.

WombOfOnesOwn · 10/07/2021 05:31

He's comparing you to the affair partner he's already got his eye on (or is already shagging). Sorry.

Iamaperiwinkle · 10/07/2021 05:33

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Life Rule 1: never change yourself to please anyone other than yourself. Especially not a man!

He is saying this to make you change your behaviour. Don’t. See Life Rule 1.

Then, ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who a) tries to alter, change or control your behaviour or b) says things that are deliberately hurtful? (If he isn’t trying to alter, change or control your behaviour, the only alternative is that he is being deliberately hurtful).

Are you into emotional masochism?
If so, he is the guy for you.
If not, it is time to end the relationship.

Ending the relationship can happen now or after you have put up with this crap for five or ten more years, your self esteem has been eroded, you have a had a couple more children and therefore more ties to him, you have been out of the workforce forever longer, and are generally feeling significantly more miserable and depressed than you are now.

Set the bar higher when you decide to date again.

I love this and it says it all DBW needs to write a book

@DifficultBloodyWoman

GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/07/2021 05:37

@WombOfOnesOwn

He's comparing you to the affair partner he's already got his eye on (or is already shagging). Sorry.

This^ Plus the "new" has worn off for him and the baby is: taking all your time and attention expensive and takes up space Noisy and no fun cramping his style

Doublestar · 10/07/2021 05:40

He thinks he's got you where he wants you now - you have a 5 week old baby - sounds like he's starting to diminish your confidence (or ramp it up - he's probably always done it) to "train" you into not misbehaving (ie doing/saying things he doesn't like) otherwise he'll leave you as you're " not really what he likes in a woman". The insinuation being "don't nag me, or il be looking for another woman - one who is more my type". The dickhead!

Classic emotional abuse. He's a bastard OP - any man who says that, especially when you have just given birth to his child and must be feeling very vulnerable/emotional is an absolute and utter wanker of the highest order.

Start getting your ducks in a row as the old mumsnet saying goes!
for you and your baby. Do you have support in RL?

Dustyhedge · 10/07/2021 05:43

First few weeks of a newborn are horrible. I think my husband and I Agee’s to ignore anything that was said between 10pm and 8am as high chance would be a bit irrational. I’d find what he said hard to let go though. Did he elaborate more on what’s wrong with how you carry yourself?

Dustyhedge · 10/07/2021 05:46

And this comment was prize bastard behaviour

‘he wasn't being hurtful it's just that the truth was hurting me because that's what the truth does, it hurts. ‘

QueSeraSarah · 10/07/2021 05:48

Yeah, he's got his eye on someone else. God they're so predictable. Sorry. . But you have your beautiful new baby, you might not feel it, but you're strong enough to chuck him back in the sea.

Classicbrunette · 10/07/2021 05:59

I’d tell him I would like a REAL man who isn’t childish, doesn’t make stupid thoughtless comments and supports me better. What an idiot.

If he carries on like that op, you need to get rid of him.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 06:03

Do you have anyone who can help you with the baby OP? I'd leave him personally but I understand after just 5 weeks you might be feeling a bit vulnerable. Could you make a long term plan to leave him?

Vanishun · 10/07/2021 06:16

Ah, what you have here is the classic case of "bloke isn't getting any because of newborn, so shows his real colours as a total arsehole".

Sorry OP, you deserve better.

Copernico · 10/07/2021 06:18

Besides what everyone else has said, make sure your contraception in 100% in order. Don’t rely on breastfeeding. This isn’t someone to have another child with.

Congratulations on your new baby.

decoratedstandardlamp · 10/07/2021 06:20

Can I ask if you have family to support you near by??

What living arrangements do you have? Rented? Own a home? Joint names?

How old is this poor excuse of a human that is your boyfriend?

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2021 06:24

He’s a knob
He should be supporting and loving you not telling you that he’s now decided you don’t meet some ideal woman. He’s probably already online dating and he’s saying this to justify it. Ltb

DukeofEarlGrey · 10/07/2021 06:26

Does ‘the way you carry yourself’ include ‘with his baby attached to you’...? Poor thing, how unattractive for him to have to deal with a real woman and the responsibility of an actual child that he chose to bring into the world. Responsibility can be such a drag.

I agree with others that you don’t need to rush anything here, but you are strong enough to leave if this turns out to be a pattern of behaviour and should consider your long-term options.

Billybagpuss · 10/07/2021 06:29

Has it only been the last couple of weeks you’ve been arguing?

Is there any one, family maybe nearby you can go stay with for a couple of days while you process this?

Halfarsedwoman · 10/07/2021 06:39

the truth was hurting me because that's what the truth does, it hurts

Truth can also set you free. You would not be unreasonable to leave someone over a comment, but really it isn’t just this comment, this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Mumoflil1 · 10/07/2021 07:01

Sorry you are going through this. And 5 weeks after having a baby, you don't have the chance to carry yourself in any sort of way as baby is your only priority.
He is an ass. You may want to hang around until baby starts sleeping tbrough the night which is understandable but, id say during this time, plan your exit. If he can act like this now when you are vulnerable then thete is no hope.

CovidCorvid · 10/07/2021 07:06

Domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy or the post natal period….and this is emotionally abusive. First of all he doesn’t even mean it, it’s not true. He’s just wanting to say hurtful things either because he’s been emotionally cruel for the hell of it or because he wants to end the relationship and is building up to it/hoping you do it. Either way I wouldn’t stay with him.

StrongLegs · 10/07/2021 07:15

I think you should tear strips off him until he's properly sorry. Don't break up wtih him. Make him behave like a decent father and husband. You made need to shout until his eyes bleed, but you can do it.

Cam77 · 10/07/2021 07:16

@RickiTarr
Fortunately MN isn't a representative sample

Roomonb · 10/07/2021 07:27

First few weeks of a baby’s life are for many of us basically horrible. I think he’s trying to back out of being a father. He’s trying to put it on you, it’s your fault he doesn’t like you etc etc. He’s creating a problem so he gets to leave you holding the baby whilst blaming you. Don’t rise to it and if he does leave put in a cms claim immediately.

AJGranny · 10/07/2021 07:32

He's finding parenting too hard and lining up his excuses. It's pathetic. Tell him to fuck off as you don't like the way he's carrying himself belittling new mothers.
Twat. That's really wound me up.

Velvian · 10/07/2021 07:39

If you haven't registered the baby yet @nelma, make sure you register your surname.

Faevern · 10/07/2021 07:42

I can’t believe he said this 5 weeks after having a baby what a twat. You’ve carried his baby for 9 months and given birth and at 5 weeks postpartum your body is still healing, as are you.

YANBU to tell him to fuck off, though it might be what he’s angling for, do you have other support, is this recent change out of character? This has made me so angry, how fucking dare he.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread