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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend said he's starting to not like me

137 replies

nelma · 10/07/2021 01:08

Long story short, for the past couple of weeks my boyfriend and I (of 2 years) have been arguing a lot. I can't even tell you what half of these arguments have been about they have been that petty, and honestly I don't have the energy to delve into things right now. But today's argument struck me different. My boyfriend told me there are certain things about the way that I carry myself which are the opposite of what he looks for in a woman, and me not possessing those certain qualities is making him not like me. As he said that I told him to stop because he was being hurtful to which he replied that he wasn't being hurtful it's just that the truth was hurting me because that's what the truth does, it hurts.

It's been a couple hours and we haven't spoken since. we've just had a baby 5 weeks ago, and they have been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. What he said has really been the cherry on top, and I don't know what to do going forward. AIBU in wanting to end the relationship over this comment?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 10/07/2021 07:43

He's bored of parenting, feeling tied and preparing you for his exit. Very predictable when having a baby so very early into a relationship.
I suspect he's planning his future without much contact with either of you. However, he's made his bed. Beat him to it and call it a day. And ask him which half of the week he wants to do his share of the 24/7 childcare.

scubadive · 10/07/2021 07:48

I’m so sorry, that’s an awful thing to say, you.re the same person he chose to be with 2 years ago, and to say this now, 5 weeks after having a baby together, utterly unforgivable.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 10/07/2021 07:51

The way you carry yourself?!

In what way?!

Saidtoomuch · 10/07/2021 07:51

Congratulations on your new baby.
Pack his bags for him, you deserve better. You need positivity and support, not put downs.

MintMatchmaker · 10/07/2021 07:53

It’s sadly not unusual for men to become abusive during pregnancy or after a child is born. Leave now, you deserve better.

TheBrynGhost · 10/07/2021 07:58

I think they go through stages with pregnancy and newborns. First they are happy their dick works. Next is the excitement of the birth. Then they realise WTF they have done as it's not all roses and it's bloody hard work and because they have lower emotional maturity than the baby, they start with this flowery nastiness. How you 'carry yourself' ?

Fuck off is the only appropriate answer ! I'd be done.

Stillherenotgoneanywhere · 10/07/2021 07:59

Sometimes I despair of the male of the species. Awful things can be said in the early days of parenting from either party as it’s a stressful time but, god, what is wrong with these men.
If this is how he really feels op, I’d be planning my exit strategy I’m afraid. What a nob.

BreatheAndFocus · 10/07/2021 08:02

What a nasty, abusive little man! 😡 You’ve just had a baby. I’d expect extra love, support and care not spiteful comments.

I suspect the truth is that he’s jealous - jealous of the time the baby demands, jealous of the attention your precious baby needs. He probably sees your mother and baby bond and thinks of something nasty to say to unsettle you and ruin your early days with your child.

Dump him. You’ll feel a lot happier without this pathetic waste of space in your life and in your head. He’s talking crap on purpose to upset you.

Spudina · 10/07/2021 08:04

What a vile thing to say. I agree with PP, this man child is looking for a way out. What your body has done is amazing. Any man that treats you this way at your most vulnerable is not worth being in a relationship with. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

CimCardashian · 10/07/2021 08:07

My EX husband said things like this to me,and he asked me to change etc.

Sadly I wasn’t on Mumsnet then,I wish I had been as he was a controlling arsehole and I could not see it but the ladies here make you realise dysfunctional behaviour that you can’t see when you’re in it.
Luckily I didn’t have kids with mine,thank God I didn’t. You don’t want DC learning this awful behaviour.

I expect your DP can be a right charmer when he wants to be too?

You have a 5 week old baby and are so vulnerable right now. What an arsehole to say those things to you. I hope you find the strength to leave him (not easy I know).

Keep posting here

IWantT0BreakFree · 10/07/2021 08:18

"the way you carry yourself". Are you by any chance usually a fairly confident person? I've heard variations on this comment before from abusive men towards confident women when they are trying to erode her self esteem as part of a campaign of abuse.

I'm not sure that there's really any evidence that he's got another woman (going by your OP alone). I think PPs are leaping to conclusions. But the point is, it almost doesn't matter because it's the kind of comment that always has sinister intentions behind it. It's just so oddly specific (whilst also being somehow simultaneously vague enough so that you feel there's this intrinsic thing "wrong with you" but you can't address it because you don't understand what it is) and designed to strike at the core of who you are. He could be lashing out because he's got his eye on someone else. I don't think it's the most likely scenario though, unless there's more evidence of that. As others have said, a lot of domestic abuse begins (or intensifies) during pregnancy and the period immediately after having a baby and I think this is more likely what's going on given the calculated nature of his comment. The "least worst" (but still awful and still 100% LTB territory) scenario is that he's just a garden variety childish, selfish bastard who can't cope with no sex while his partner is pregnant/has a newborn and feels that he is in competition with his own offspring for your attention, which is just about the most pathetic fucking thing in the world. He should be too involved and too busy supporting you and his new baby to feel left out in the cold. No sympathy whatsoever for blokes like that because if they were doing their bit, they wouldn't feel that way.

Think about what he brings to your life. I'm sure it feels daunting being a new mum and facing the prospect of doing it alone, but does he actually make your life easier? Or does he just add in a load of arguments and aggro? Would it genuinely be harder for you to do it alone?

notanothertakeaway · 10/07/2021 08:23

The way you "carry yourself" - I'm not even sure what that means. Is it the way you walk?

Anyway, congratulations on your baby, you will be fine in the end, but it may assist you to know that having a baby is often a trigger for domestic abuse starting

lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2021 08:30

Oh wow. Read first paragraph. Conclusion: he's got the ick, the relationship is over, move on.

Read second paragraph: Oh fuck, really? He's criticising the deportment of a new mother of five weeks? He's doing this to you while you are looking after hos five week-old baby?

I think he needs to move out and do some serious thinking about the future. (What he'll probably do is look at porn and try to hook up with people. It amounts to the same thing, it defines and determines his future).

I do think you need to ask him to move out for a while. Make the rift publicly visible, so 'real'. Don't keep it all hidden at home and let him portray you as crazy lady having a silly moment.

DinosaurDiana · 10/07/2021 08:35

He’s blaming you so he can cheat. End it now.
I hope you didn’t give baby his surname.

AuntMargo · 10/07/2021 08:39

Sending you a huge hug ! He is a nasty piece of work, what a nasty horrible comment to make, you have just given birth to his baby, your body has gone thru so much and he wants to hurt you like that. I think you should let him read some of these posts. He doesn't deserve you.

WildJelly · 10/07/2021 08:39

YANBU- Tell him to move out this morning. The last thing you need when you have a tiny baby is someone telling you they don't like the way you are. Take control and show him the door before he can hurt you anymore.

dublino · 10/07/2021 08:39

I never comment really on this but I felt I needed to here. I'm in disbelief that you only just gave birth to his child and this is what he says to you! My god . What an absolute w@#ker ! You deserve so much better then this. New babies can put a strain on relationships but to say something like that is absolutely disgusting. Give him his marching orders

lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2021 08:42

The baby is less than six weeks old, so would it be possible to re-register / amend the birth registration? Change the surname if necessary.

Terhou · 10/07/2021 08:43

I suspect what he means is that he doesn't like the fact that he hasn't had sex for a few weeks. Tell him to get over himself or fuck off.

PoliteNotice · 10/07/2021 08:45

I'd be telling him the way he treats you is not what you look for in a man so you're off.

YANBU. How awful of him. He should be making you feel good about yourself post birth.

billy1966 · 10/07/2021 08:46

Nasty piece of work who is going to make your life miserable.

Start reaching out for support because you are going to need it.

CrystalMaisie · 10/07/2021 08:49

Congratulations on the birth of your dc. Stressful time with high emotions and hormones awry. My dp and I never had an argument or cross word ever in 17 years, that was until the birth of our first dc, when we then did!

LittleBearPad · 10/07/2021 08:51

Are you arguing because you’re tired or because fundamentally there are issues?

What does he mean and what had you just said?

MangosteenSoda · 10/07/2021 08:53

Hope you have some good real life support OP, because it sounds like your partner is showing you who he is.

Has he parented well/adequately/at all so far?

I’m guessing he’s not into the hard work of having a new baby, he wants to be looked after and be the centre of your attention, he wants sex. None of which are appropriate now. And as a PP said, he’s probably jumped on Tinder and is comparing you to someone else (who isn’t just post partum and who is probably massaging his fragile ego).

You’re much better than him Flowers

Tal45 · 10/07/2021 08:56

Have you got somewhere you can go where you can be surrounded with the love and support you need right now? Any family you could go and stay with? He's just plain nasty.