Unequal finances

[Itsraimy]

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

You are not married & you don't have kids so personally I think your current split is more than generous.

If you are female and you do plan on having a child one day, I'd be putting your extra money in the relationship aside to fund that. Your partner whatever their sex is on two t be able to sub you on maternity leave or with childcare or baby stuff. So don't let them have an easy ride now, they can pay their fair share so if one day you both do decide to have a kid there are savings put aside already.

@BillMasen
When couples have been together years and the higher earner if male wants or has kids with the female op, this is somewhat different as women take a financial hit to become a mother. Married or in a committed partnership is different.

Despite buying a property together, op’s partner seems very happy to sponge off op. Op describes them as immature. I think posts would be similar if were op a man with a female partner.

@IcedSpice

You should be taking home around £ 5,117.14 with a 20% pension payment

20% of £8,333.33 isn't £733.83. Monthly net wage for someone on £100k is £4,557.73.

Also fairly speaking your DP has chosen to 'spend' 20% of their salary by working only 4 days. That's their choice but it comes at a cost, so I would add an extra £5k to their salary for that alone. Just as you would have to if you decided to work 4 days. Surely they don't expect you to pay for it.

I voted YANBU because he appears to have zero ambition and only works four days a week (I would find this deeply unattractive but you are obviously ok with it). He doesn't do any housework on his day off, you pay for a cleaner. So what does he do? Sit on his arse all day?

What will happen if you marry and decide to have a child? That's you out of your well paid job for x months. Having to exist on his £25k, what if he doesn't increase his hours or get a new job? Will that piss you off?

Frankly he wouldn't be getting any more of my money in your situation. I would be putting as much as possible in pension and savings. You will need them if he's not going to step up and be an adult by getting a better paying job if/when you have children.

I think these threads are always difficult because there are so many variables. Personally I agree with your DP that there is more to live than working long hours, five days a week and I would rather have a better work-life balance. You could always work a four-day week yourself if his extra free-time bothers you so much :)

I know you say he benefits from your wage via nice holidays and the like, but would you be happy to sacrifice things like nice holidays, weekends away, meals out to fancy restaurants in order to fit in with his budget if he was paying a higher proportion of the household bills?

I think tell him you will share bills as said.
Then you shift the extra money you have into a high interest savings account, so your both living off the same income.
do not use your savings for Holidays or anything.
Tell him your doing this so you can see his point of view.
If things work out, your going to have 35K in savings for a wedding, if he still gets jealous and complains about the lack of luxurys, it would be worth lettting him have his extra £400 a month and make him go HALF on all bills, for luxurys.
To be honest if you find he wines about being poor, then he should WORK more, not use you as a cash cow,

Well he earns 25% of what you do so technical wouldn't 25% of the bills be more accurate? Or to be honest I'd still expect 50/50 lol depends how long you've been together if you have kids etc I'd say

If partner is 4 days a week then no fucking way! And your have no DC, sorry but bills should be 50/50 - maybe your suggestion as 50/50 might wipe his salary out it not your fault he can't work a full week

You’re more generous than me. I’d be expecting nothing less than 50/50 in a dating relationship. I’d pool everything if married as see that as very different.

If they want more disposable income they can work more etc.

I’ve taught my children to expect to pay their way and not to expect others too or feel they have to pay more based on their sex etc.

People saying pool your money are absolutely.bonkers.

Do NOT pool your money for any fucker

No way, you’re not married no kids, they need to pay their way. You’re not being unreasonable.

Unless you have DC, even then - highly debatable

My DH earns more and pays proportionately but only the mortgage and utilities because he's the one who wanted a bigger house than we need, I'd happily live somewhere cheaper to have more money to spend on other things. We pay 50:50 for food, holidays, pet costs and days out but they are no more extravagant than when I lived alone. If he was insisting on 3 weeks all inclusive in the Maldives twice a year, I'd have a different view. We each pay for our own cars, insurance, phones etc because we can set our own budgets (e.g he has a Tesla, I have a VW up!). Oddly he's often been the one pushing to pool our expenses. I've decided not to because I don't want to feel guilty for not contributing more or feel guilty for spending the money I've earn.

DH and I did 50:50 until we were married, then when my salary eclipsed his we changed to a net salary percentage.

If you have made choices due to your higher income (such as a bigger house) then it would be fair to pay more for those. Similarly you should probabaly kick in a bit more for utilities due to a larger home.

If you wanted it to be morally fairer then net percentage is a way to go however I would base this on your DP's 5 day a week income, as it would be a cold day in hell that I subsidise someone getting to work less than full time (unless they had reasons such as medical issues, children together etc).

Hi all,

Thank you for all your feedback. Thought I’d update with the questions asked;

Our 3k household outgoings cover
Mortgage 1k
Bills about 350
Food about 250
Joint savings 500
Petrol (I bought our cars outright) 100
Leisure 500 (split evenly, both of us take 250 from this and put in our ‘personal accounts)
200 ish - dental insurance/house insurance/pets insurance (we have a dog who is calamitous and who’s premium is high)

On top of this, I pay for our holidays. The house is owned 50:50. I also regularly overpay our mortgage when I get bonus etc. Probs to the tune of about 5k per year overpayment.

Both of us are female for those asking on gender.

Partner works 4 days as they like to have time to work on their hobby. Fair enough and this might provide a side income in time.

@Itsraimy i would say they need to be working full time. It’s unfair on you to carry the full burden.

Partner isn’t a high earner but I don’t feel I can ‘do better’. They’re kind, funny, a great person. But you’re all right, we do need agree a way forward on this.

@Itsraimy for a high earner your outgoings dont look too high either. If your partner was single - would they really have made choices that leave them £500 a month to themselves after joint expenses? That’s a lot of money. Far more than most people have ‘free’ every month. Would they be able to afford to work a 4 day week and spend time on their hobby?
In this light it isn’t unfair to expect them to contribute an equal amount to what they would have spent as a single person. The fact that you earn more is irrelevant.

Of course if the hobby is something they are serious about and could eventually provide a side income it’s a different story. But I don’t see why expecting them to pay at least as much as they would have paid single is a big issue. When I was single I’d have spent over 1K in rent and bills alone.

I would usually say that the higher earner should pay more but ops situation is very different. Her dp chooses in their 30s to have the luxury of settling for this income and lifestyle. Ultimately it comes down to taking advantage of op - would your dp do this If they were single or had a dp earning similar to them? You are funding this very comfortable lifestyle. And tbh anyone can be kind, loving and funny when they have this cushy lifestyle.

We’re both a similar age (30s) I have just been very career motivated and partner is just very chilled and thinks there is more to life than working 😂 I actually love this about them but it is causing some tension

@Itsraimy if you weren’t such a high earner, would your DP be able to think this? Or is it just because she’s happy to be subbed by you?

If it was me, I’d be doing 50:50 on everything while you are not married/no kids. BUT, that would mean the house/lifestyle would be one that the lower earner could afford or if you went for a more expensive house, the the higher earner would have a different percentage. Then if higher earner wanted more luxuries on top, then they would find that.

I think if you’re spending more, then I would say you want more equity in the house.

Why is £1k of your £3k outgoings; joint savings and leisure? Just have your own savings at whatever level you can afford, and £250 going back to yourselves seems counter intuitive.

Would your partner have gotten a 1k/month mortgage if it wasn't for your income? Because I suspect if she was on her own, her outgoings would be much less, though I suppose it's area dependent.

@Biker47 you’re probably right. I guess we’ve tried to cover ‘everything’ in the household outgoings so the money each of us has ‘leftover’ is ours to do as we wish

Split down the middle, of what is left, your partners "fair share" is £950, so even if you kept leisure money and savings as is, your partner is up to the tune of £450 a month on top of whatever their remaining wages are. Not a bad deal for a lot of people.

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours overpaying a mortgage at £5k a year, when you're joint tenants, and not tenants in common with stated shares in ownership.