To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

It’s a lovely surprise.

The one gendered gift I was given was a hand knitted blue cardigan which had little train buttons in it. Despite everyone knowing I was having a boy I got neutral gifts and the bedroom was pale yellow. I’d had multiple scans and the sex was not in doubt so it wasn’t like people were hedging their bets. This was 20 years ago too when there was less awareness around gender stereotypes than there is now

I didn't find out. Partly because, like others have said, it's a lovely surprise after giving birth. But, also, I thought that if anything went wrong over the next few months, I'd have preferred not to have known in the first place.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Yes but, why would you actively NOT want to know? You're finding out at some point, why not when the information first presents itself?

Because it’s a bit meaningless? It barely matters in the first months anyway ( apart from the chance of getting wee in the eye if you have a boy) but not at all when they haven’t even taken a breath.

But it's meaningless when they're born, too. If it's just information to you, then why actively wait?

But, also, I thought that if anything went wrong over the next few months, I'd have preferred not to have known in the first place.

I was wondering about this. A friend experienced a second trimester loss. She has a son now but thinks of herself of a mother of a son, and a daughter, who she named. She needed to be able to visualise the child she lost.

I really have no opinion on whatever people chose to know or not, I wanted to know and it would have really bothered me if the medical staff had more info about my own baby than I did!

Most posts on this thread make sense too.

We didn't find out (17&14 years ago) I think it spoils the fun of speculation (cravings/ morning sickness/ high/ lo, in front, all round and dangling wedding rings over the bump) also I just love plain white babygros which mine were in for the first month. Shallow me much ?

I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I really really don't want to know. I think it's so lovely to have that surprise at the end and I want my husband to tell me what our baby is. I have a scan on Sunday and Thursday and I really hope I don't find out by accident.

I didn't find out. Whilst it's true that it is a surprise whenever you find out, I just couldn't reconcile the fact that finding out in a sonography office and then having to wait another 20 weeks to meet him or her, could be better than the rush of giving birth and meeting them right away. The time when my DH told me what we had was really special. I had no bonding concerns either - the speculation and nicknames for bump were all part of the fun. I agree that when some people find out and then announce baby's name etc at 20 weeks it all just feels pre-emptive to me. There's nothing left to announce.

We're older first time parents, 40 and 43.

For us it was because big surprises when you get older are generally shit.

This was a big surprise that we knew would be awesome. A boy 💙

But it's meaningless when they're born, too. If it's just information to you, then why actively wait?
But you can characterise both waiting or finding out as the active choice or the passive one! I'm not sure I actively waited so much as didn't actively find out. And if I had found out I'm you could just as easily say I had passively done so by just allowing that information to be given to me same as you could say I passively ignored the opportunity. I didn't really mind if I found out so I didn't bother. Not that active a choice if you ask me.

I thought it would give me something to push for. I was right

But you can characterise both waiting or finding out as the active choice or the passive one! I'm not sure I actively waited so much as didn't actively find out. And if I had found out I'm you could just as easily say I had passively done so by just allowing that information to be given to me same as you could say I passively ignored the opportunity. I didn't really mind if I found out so I didn't bother. Not that active a choice if you ask me.

I agree, tbh! But this is exactly what baffles me. There is always a very strong narrative on threads like this that, if you are suitably unbothered what sex your baby is, then the passive thing to do is to find out at birth, and the active thing is to find out. I just don't see why that is the case, if anything, choosing to reject information that is available to you seems slightly more of an active choice than allowing yourself to be told, to me.

Thank you StillWeRise ❤️

@cinammonbuns - your comment is unfair. Many of the women I know who have issues about sex have lost babies previously. There are a lot of complicated emotions connected to losing a baby, including gender disappointment, and telling them to wait until they've sorted it out is cruel (particularly as I don't think you ever 'sort out' your emotions completely after a still birth).

I didn’t want to know my baby’s sex because I wanted to have the surprise at the point of delivery, like a reward for all the hard work of pushing. Finding out during pregnancy would have felt like opening one of my Christmas presents early

I didn't want to know either time. It made no difference with being ready for them as everything was neutral and that was fine.
I wanted surprises, I didn't want the names we had picked to belong to them until they were born and in our arms.

Have to say I'm a sucker for drama and so I wanted the "It's a boy/girl" after the drama of giving birth and have it be part of the fun and the memories

They always seemed thrilled as well, whereas women who already know do express disappointment in antenatal appointments sometimes

Yes, but that's not because "leaving it to be a surprise prevents disappointment," it's because "the people who choose to leave it to be a surprise are the people who were going to be equally happy with either outcome." People who do have a preference nearly always choose to find out in advance, as they don't want to be disappointed on the day itself

We wanted the surprise at the birth - just what we wanted. What surprised me though was the reaction of the midwives - total delight . They said they absolutely love it when the sex isn’t known beforehand, they love to announce it!

Because I knew of two woman who were told incorrectly at the scans and one found it hard to bod after birth as she'd been expecting a boy and had a girl. I also wanted a surprise, it really is the only surprise you get.

I can still imagine "what they will be like" without knowing if they're male or female. I could have a football living child, male or female. I could have a child who wants to be a doctor, male or female. I don't know how knowing the sex makes any difference to the imaginary child of the future.

I also wouldn't have bought anything different. If I knew I was having a girl, I would still have tended towards neutral or "boy" clothes because I don't like frilly and pink.

I just never wanted to know. I wanted it to be a surprise completely. It always seemed odd to me when people not only know what they were having but had named the baby too way before it's born.

Nothing wrong with anyone who prefers a "girly" or "boyish" nursery, or a pink or blue one frankly.

We knew but didn't tell anyone else.
There was some quite obvious gender bias amping at the family and we didn't want any part of it