AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

[Henryhoover12]

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

Couldn’t the little girl play in one of her family’s gardens?

@5zeds

Or the little girl could play in one of her relatives gardens sometimes?

what? walk from house to house in all that dangerous open air?

@Andrea87

OP you might have never seen someone with severe allergies fighting for their life - on oxygen , all colour draining, unconscious, not knowing whether they will survive the next 5 minutes , hour or day. It is one of the scariest things to witness with someone who you love and that stays with you. I assume your neighbour‘s child has such a severe allergy where this has happened and their parents are doing their utmost to protect their child from this happening again. Their lives are not easy. For those who can breathe easily it is as if the tube to the lungs contract and you are struggling to breathe. Imagine having a straw to breathe through your mouth - how long can you do this without being fatigued and you know that you can take the straw out any time. If you have asthma it is a bit like that in an attack and you have so little to breathe through and you can’t change that - it is frightening and often fatal. I also assume it is something like a breathing allergy - asthma kills many people in this country and because many more have mild or moderate asthma, people equate asthma as being something that is easy to manage - but there are many cases where life style is compromised. It sounds like your neighbour's life is compromised in so many ways and the one place that is a safe place for her to go ie the garden is now also Unsafe. It is a very difficult life when you are constantly on a look out for triggers that may cause an extreme reaction - a trigger that is airborne and cannot be seen but is there. I haven’t read all the posts but you mentioned about having to park the car a bit further from your house - is that really so bad? It is a few extra steps that may protect the child from a potential fatal health scare. When I go out and I come in contact with dogs , I strip as soon as I get home, everything goes straight into the washing machine and I have a long shower to get rid of any Allergens that I might have picked up. It is not an easy life but I have to do this to protect someone else at home. I assume as you knew about the severity of this allergy that you bought a hypoallergenic dog - that may mitigate but not exclude the danger. Imagine what it is like for the parents who see this danger everywhere, it is not an easy life. I love dogs, I grew up with them and would love to have one, however I realise I shall never be able to own one again. Any way practicalities - you say you have a fence and bushes either side to give this a buffer zone, which may sound reasonable to you however Allergens have a way of spreading - I know someone who will start sneezing if a cat walks through the other end of the garden or if a cat has sat on the garden furniture some time ago. The Allergens stay and cause havoc to cause allergic reaction. Practicalities and apologies if this has been mentioned before , I haven’t read all the 900+ posts . Can you talk to your neighbour and an allergy nurse together and come up with solutions. The idea that the one safe space is compromised is not fair for her, the idea that your dog cannot go out into the garden is not fair for it. However remember that the Allergens stay after your dog has gone inside. So maybe you can have a zone away from the neighbours garden for it to use so the distance is greater. Maybe you can have it on a long lead with it being attached to a long rope down the garden away from the neighbours property so it can run up and down, or the end of the long lead is held by a stake in the ground. This will Control the distance it is from the boundary and not difficult to do. Maybe you can have a bell and ring this to signal that you are letting the dog out in 5 minutes to give the child 5 minutes warning to come in. I feel for you as you must love your dog very much, but I feel for your neighbour too who cannot change the severity of the allergies of their child. It is not an easy way of life and if they seem paranoid at times it is understandable to people who have witnessed a life threatening attack. As to what they do at school, we can speculate all we like but if school has put something into place such as the child sitting away from other children etc it may well be quite an isolating life there too. I don’t think it is about the legalities here - yes we are allowed to keep dogs legally - but what is morally right. Imagine your life already being compromised to this extent where your child is living such an isolating and perhaps lonely life. They can’t do things that many will take for granted. It is not a life that you wish for her or her parents and they won’t have made this up. It must be very hard for them to see you got a dog even after they have explained to your that this would be one of their greatest fears. Apologies if I am rambling but it is something that affects my life so much and I come across people who don’t understand amd this post has upset me so i may not be coherent. I wish you all the best and that you can come up with a solution.

I am sorry to hear that you allergy is so bad truly I am. But no one has the right to expect that their life problems can control the lives of others. The things that you suggest for the dog are very unkind and unworkable.

How is this thread still going 🙈

[quote frumpety]**@Lockdownbear* Seriously you think the local hospital or any consultant (probably a specialist at a children's hospital) is going to discuss a child's medical history with a NDN?*

Absolutely not, but Consultants and specialist nurses might be able to discuss the general level of risk posed by a dog being in a neighbouring garden ( with the benefit of high fencing and hedging ) when a child has a severe allergy to dogs, without discussing a childs medical history. This would be helpful to know wouldn't it ?[/quote]
You do realise consultants etc aren't even getting through the backlog of calls and appointments with actual patients, right? There's no direct number to these kind of specialists, and OP would just be taking up more of their valuable time on a query for something that shouldn't even be her concern!

Some of the suggestions on this thread are as crazy as the NDN!

The dog is a red herring they want you to move if this has been going on for a year.

They’ll find another excuse if you rehome the dog and I hope you don’t.

As a parent of a child with a severe (food) allergy and also a dog owner plus I have a significant cat allergy myself I’m sorry to say that this situation is impossible and I would recommend you move house for any peace really. The fear of the child having a bad reaction is likely very real regardless of how accurate their risk assessment.

Anecdotally I used to live in a house opposite a field that had two cute horses. They look over the gate at passing people. The day I moved out one of the removal men had such a severe allergic reaction that he could not work I witnessed this with my own eyes and he was always more than 4 metres minimum from these horses. It was frightening.

How is this thread still going 🙈

Why do people even do this ? ⬆️

Really really interesting thread.

OP has given the family a 12 month grace period, following the ridiculous rules, in which ndn could have marketed and sold their house. Obviously OP should have been more assertive and made it clear that this was all they were doing by following the rules, but hindsight is a lovely thing.

I think OP needs to make it clear today that they will follow the rules (with some modifications) for an additional set period of time so that ndn can move or make other changes and then after that they will proceed to use their own property as they see fit and within the law.

@finova

Couldn’t the little girl play in one of her family’s gardens?

Great idea. OP should suggest this.

@Henryhoover12

I love when people try to go on all Sherlock Holmes- it is most definitely about a dog and child that is allergic to dogs (no I am not growing a peanut tree)

Yes one of the rules is that we’re not allowed to park on our drive, our drive is very close to their drive kinda touching so it would mean very close proximity of the dog touching their car. So we have to park at the end of the cul de sac

yeah - thats a hard no from me thanks - my car, my drive!

@HalzTangz says they could put a dome or screen over the garden and get a air filtering system in place.

As this is a severe allergy I think the neighbours would have been given written advice on how to protect their dc at home. I can't see that any advice given would extend to dictating how neighbours lived their lives.

@sunglassesonthetable

How is this thread still going 🙈

Why do people even do this ? ⬆️

Because I am surprised it's still going?

Haven’t rtft …. But they are batshit. I get the severe allergy, but there is no way they can expect you to live by their rules in your own home. There is no way they can possibly control every single environment their child comes in to. They need to do what they can for their child, not expect the whole world around them to change their ways. Absolutely batshit crazy they are.

And you sound lovely OP … much more accommodating than I ever would be.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@DuchessDarty

Eh? A few people have said Op was wrong to get the dog.

It's just the vast majority don't think she was wrong.

Her neighbours are veering into bullying her now with a list of demands, an uncomfortable atmosphere and screaming at her. They sound batshit. [/quote]
Read my posts properly.

I didn’t say no one had said she was wrong for getting the dog. I said no one had said she was wrong for buying a dog rather than rescuing one. It was a wry comment as not so long ago that was a real MN trope - people being told off on here for purchasing rather than rescuing dogs even if that wasn’t relevant to the thread.

Neighbor is shouting because she is selfish and batshit. She had zero right to expect control over what happens on private property she doesn't own.

Rehome the child to one of the other relative's houses on the cul de sac if it's really that bad. Don't expect strangers to reorganize their lives.

I am sorry to hear that you allergy is so bad truly I am. But no one has the right to expect that their life problems can control the lives of others. The things that you suggest for the dog are very unkind and unworkable

Exactly - and especially when the neighbours could have been proactive and bought the house or arranged to be sandwiched between two dog-free family members - the easiest solution.

As a parent of a child with a severe (food) allergy and also a dog owner plus I have a significant cat allergy myself I’m sorry to say that this situation is impossible and I would recommend you move house for any peace really. The fear of the child having a bad reaction is likely very real regardless of how accurate their risk assessment

Then the neighbour should move.

If they were that worried they would swap houses with one of the family members in the cul de sac. Sorted.

@TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish

Exactly! The fact that they don’t do this, and that their son is able to go to school, makes me doubt that the allergy is as bad as they’re claiming. I suspect it’s simply a means of controlling the OP, or driving her family away so that another family member can move in.

OP, crack on and let's put this batshittery to bed. As many of us on this thread with allergies or DC with allergies have said, it's not for others to rearrange their lives to the nth degree to satisfy us. As I said up thread, I would expect my people to not feed my son nuts, I wouldn't expect them to not have any nut products at all in their home when he's there. It's ridiculously overstepping.

Imo they just didn't want to live next door to a dog - barking, etc - and they've used their child as an excuse. I'm not saying she doesn't have an allergy, I'm saying it sounds like they've massively overplayed it in order to control you.

I'm probably talking out of my arse; but isn't there some merit in very mild exposure to an allergen (particularly with children) to slowly reduce it?

My friend has a nut allergy (almonds predominantly) and her doctor advised that she keep eating foods with other nuts in, so that the almond allergy doesn't become more serious.

At any rate; the girl will grow up and need to leave the house eventually. She's in for an extremely shit and limited life if they carry on this way, there must be mitigation they can take. Dogs are everywhere (or their owners are at least), at the moment it sounds like she will never go into a shop, a theme park, a party, a wedding, the town centre, a leisure centre, a cinema, a theatre, a zoo etc etc etc

She will never travel abroad, never get on public transport, never eat at a restaurant, probably never get a normal job - how will she meet friends, or a life partner? Have children?

I have a kid who lived like Andrea describes for a long time. It is brutal to watch someone struggle with allergy and asthma, and if it's your kid, well, it can make you go a little bit crazy.

Our allergy nurse sorted a group for parents, it was for research but also for mutual support.

Some of the other parents expectations were absolutely bat shit. They were no doubt traumatised, but their whole lives revolved around removing risk instead of teaching their child to manage risk.

One day, sooner than we'd like, we have to let these vulnerable kids go out into the big, allergen world on their own - and some parents seemed to get "stuck" in the panic mode, which I'm very sympathetic about, but it's not realistic to make your child's needs central to everyone's lives. Everyone has needs. Even dogs that need a pee.

I hope you are keeping well, Andrea.

It’s just very hard when someone is screaming at you that you are killing their child to not feel like a horrible human

It's harder to parent a child who has allergies that could easily kill them.

Maybe we shouldn't be calling the parents so many names? Even if they are wrong, a little understanding would be nice.