AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

[Henryhoover12]

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

Someone a few posts ago summed it up. It is our responsibility to keep our allergy ridden kids safe and manage their conditions so they can function in society. In the same way as someone with diabetes, asthma, schizophrenia etc would have to.

You sound like a truly fantastic parent and I hope one day your daughter realises how much you do to help her have as normal a life as possible.

They shouldn't expect the neighbours to change their whole life to suit their wishes.

Would it be okay for the neighbours to tell OP she couldn't have a child because their child is allergic to other children? No, a dog isn't a child, but it's the closest thing to a child some people will ever have, and you can't just forbid someone from having one.

I still don't believe the allergy is as serious as they claim. If it is that bad, they really do need to move, not rely on the kindness of their neighbours.

@SealHouse no one is prioritising the rights of a dog over a child. Yes such severe allergies CAN exist but I doubt very much this child's allergy is that severe. If it were she would not have attended school. If it were the mother would have run with the child indoors not stood in the garden shouting at OP.

IF the allergies are really that bad then it is up to the parents to make sure their child is safe. If even having a 5ft fence and a hedge is not enough protection then they should be living in a detached house.

They obviously did not mention to the estate agent the supposed seriousness of the matter and that they did not want a dog next door. Not that they or the estate agent could have enforced that rule.

What if OP had had a dog when they moved in? As another poster said, would the crazies expect them to get rid of it, have it pts?

@GreenCrayon

Do you know what I find most interesting about this whole thread those who have been where this family are, those who have children with potentially deadly allergies and felt that worry all seem to think these people are being unreasonable. That tells you all you need to know OP.

Indeed. My DS has a severe nut allergy, bad enough to have had him hospitalised and need epipens on him at all times. So when he goes to a friends I make sure the parents know not to feed him nuts. I don't, however, tell them they're not allowed to own any nut based foodstuffs in their home!

“. It’s just a dog after all”

My husband and I bought a house specifically so we’d have room for a dog and hopefully a family. We have fertility problems, our dog is our family. I teach and have nephews/nieces/loved god children, so I do know there’s a huge difference between dogs and children, but I think it’s terribly cruel to dismiss the importance of much loved pets in many people’s lives.
The onus was on the neighbours to move/tell the OP before they bought the house that having a dog would be a problem. It is not black and white, there needs to be calm reasoned discussion between both families to find a solution that works. The current set up is not fair on the OP.
If I was the OP I wouldn’t have moved there if I’d had any hint of the issue with dogs.

@Sharkology

I've not RTFT but their kid needs to try desensitisation therapy if their allergy is that severe.

thats a high risk and controversial treatment with some very bad side effects and not great outcomes.

@Bonnieonthelam they have separate gardens separated by a 6ft wooden fence AND a hedge

@GreenCrayon

Someone a few posts ago summed it up. It is our responsibility to keep our allergy ridden kids safe and manage their conditions so they can function in society. In the same way as someone with diabetes, asthma, schizophrenia etc would have to.

You sound like a truly fantastic parent and I hope one day your daughter realises how much you do to help her have as normal a life as possible.

First off it is period week so I I.oberly emotional but your post has just made me well up. Thanks you!

Dd is a champion, she handles 98% of stuff amazingly. Far better than inwould in her shoes I think. She has certainly developed resilience. Although at the risk of outing myself I may have taught her too well..she is the youngest in her year, never went to the shool nursery as I worked too far to manage their half day thing so her first experience was "move up day" aged 3.5 ...I got called to the heads office after dd took on 2 teachers, the TA and the school secretary who were trying to tell her she had to eat the orange and drink the milk for snack time (dd is anaphylaxis to acidic fruits like oranges etc and at the time they were testing for dairy so she was banned from that). She refused, full blown argued with them that she as allergic and couldn't eat them and then sulked when they asked her she was lying and didn't like them. School were massively impressed at her confidence and I was dying of embarrassment.

@Cyberworrier you have really hit the nail on the head! People don’t understand why some are very attached to dogs when it’s all they have. We also move with the sole focus of buying a dog, hence the big garden (which he ironically can’t use) was a big selling point. Nobody ever mentioned to us that there is a girl with severe allergy next door to dogs.

This post is screaming Daily Mail story to me and your neighbours and their family will recognise themselves straight away it it's published. If I were you, I'd have the thread pulled OP. It has the potential to ruin your relationship with them to the point of no salvation.

[quote Henryhoover12]@GreenCrayon It has been the most valuable getting the information from people whose children have suffered from allergies who have all said that they are unreasonable in their demands. Ironically it’s all the dog lovers who say that I was wrong to get a dog, hope they wouldn’t mind putting their dog in a shelter without a second thought then if my neighbour moves next to them![/quote]
Well, to be honest, my kid has allergies and, although I acknowledge you have a right to have a dog and let it out in your garden, if I were these parents I would understand at this point that you were not my friend. Getting a dog might be your dream, but keeping my kid alive is my dream. Kids with severe allergies endure high levels of anxiety as the behaviors and self-regulation required to avoid their allergens make them constantly aware of the possibility of their own death.

In terms of your own lifestyle, it is the presence of the dog that created their desire for all of these restrictions. These people went to extremes to create a home environment where their daughter could be safe and have a buffer area away from dogs, and then you moved in, found out their kid is deathly allergic to dogs, and decided to get a dog. If you didn't have a dog, would it matter where you parked your car? I don't think so. You chose to get a dog knowing that it would cause conflict. Now you are angry that there is conflict. What did you expect?

The people saying that, realistically, a kid with this severity of allergy is just gonna die, no matter what you do, that horrifies me. I think that is a very callous attitude towards other human beings and towards children. I don't usually argue with these people as they have a legal right to do whatever they want to do and the very fact that they would say something like that shows that it is pointless to argue with them. But I make a mental note of it and I never trust these people again.

@Henryhoover12
This is the most insane thread ever - what happens when someone walks past with a dog? Surely someone must.

I cannot believe for one second that no other dog is ever near their house apart from yours?

What breed of dog have you got? A lot of breeds are non shedding and hypoallergenic, and don't moult.

I think they whilst worried are being so unfair and unrealistic. It's up to them to protect their child. They should have come round whilst you were viewing etc

And there is no way a school could enforce a no dog policy! That is utter madness and just batshit

I really feel sorry for you as you seem to have really tried, I think you need to stand your ground though and live YOUR lives and tell them nicely that enough is enough

I'm not saying the neighbour is lying (Well guess no one can) It just stinks to me. A dog in a next door garden with a 6ft fence and bushes can "kill" her child, yet she allows her child outside all day long knowing you have a dog "risking death" . .. If it is true, poor kid, going to be a very difficult time in everyday adult life.

Neighbours need to buy a house surrounded with lots of land if they want to control stuff like this

The people saying that, realistically, a kid with this severity of allergy is just gonna die, no matter what you do, that horrifies me. I think that is a very callous attitude towards other human beings and towards children.

Nobody said that.

I’m sure you can find a solution @Henryhoover12
I hope this thread isn’t making you too stressed on top of the neighbour situation! It isn’t helpful or pleasant some of the vitriol going either way, dismissive of dogs or dismissive of children... there needs to be a middle path! Stay strong, happy to look over any draft letter to your neighbour if you want a (I hope fairly) balanced perspective, you can pm me. Give your dog a pat from me!

I think if I was you I would perhaps somehow speak to someone who deals with such severe allergies to see what the threats would be . I can’t see your dog having the run of the garden would be dangerous . I can see if you groomed him that you would have to seal the bags perhaps and carefully dispose of the bags and you obviously should never be in contact with the child. You need to know for your own peace of mind what is an acceptable request and what is not .

@aloris you cannot put covenants on what neighbours can and can't do in their property. It's a private home not a tenancy or hospital.

They have done what they can. Whilst I sympathise with their plight it's absolutely ridiculous to enforce what animals someone can or can't have in their own home. What do they do when a stranger walks past with a dog? How can that be any different than a dog in it's own garden.

If they are so worried, then it's up to them to sort it. They should have moved or got a family member to buy next door. I have heard it all when you can't use your own drive because of owning a dog, it's ridiculous.

Mumsnet has gone bloody mental

Wow!!! I like to think that I try to be accommodating to my neighbours but this is crazy. I can't believe they asked you not to park on your own drive and the dog can't use your garden.

Surely if you were that worried, you'd buy a house in the middle of nowhere. Craziness. It must be awful for them and the girl but their demands are insane.

Personally I would still try to find some compromise like others have suggested. Maybe she was having a bad day and just reacted. In which case you should get an apology. I would majorly pissed if I was shouted at like that given all the rules you have followed to date

First off it is period week so I I.oberly emotional but your post has just made me well up. Thanks you!

Awwww I didn't mean to make you cry, hopefully happy tears at the fact that despite everything you've raised a very determined little warrior. With her confidence I'm sure she will do great things in spite of all the stuff that could so easily have held her back.

[quote Henryhoover12]@Cyberworrier you have really hit the nail on the head! People don’t understand why some are very attached to dogs when it’s all they have. We also move with the sole focus of buying a dog, hence the big garden (which he ironically can’t use) was a big selling point. Nobody ever mentioned to us that there is a girl with severe allergy next door to dogs.[/quote]
Your dog can use it. You own your garden you can do what you like in it. Just carry on and let him go out there when he wants. They are mad. They can't control what people do in their own properties. If their child's allergy was so severe it would have to wear a protective suit all the time when outside and at school. It's rubbish

OP. On a nice sunny day when the child isn't outside yet, I would go outside and light a BBQ and make a day of it with dog outside too, and see if they allow the child outside during that time.

@Terminallysleepdeprived I absoultely love the sound of your daughter! It would have taken a lot to stand up for herself like that and she did. You must be so proud

So what of the op does move and someone else moves in with 5 dogs already. What are they meant to do? They need to move or if their are so many family members in this cul de sac wouldn't if of been better to live in between family members who agree never to get dogs. How on earth does a child go to school and not have any contact with people who own dogs. What happens when this child grows up? She can't go out or get work unless nobody has a dog. Poor kid.

So every kid in the class has to agree not to get a dog/visit family of friends with dogs never walk past a dog? How is that going to work?

If the child was that allergic they would really need to be home schooling on their isolated farmhouse in the middle of nowhere,

Let your dog in the garden, park your car on the drive.