AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

[Henryhoover12]

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

It just sounds incredible to me. If it's true, could it be there's a Munchhausens by Proxy scenario playing out?

A child who was so severely allergic to dogs would almost certainly have a whole load of other severe allergies. She wouldn't be able to go outside!

Ah so the school things could have been a total fib.
Not your monkey, not your circus op.

Well worth a visit to local police office and speaking to someone, there might have been complaints from previous owner or some local knowledge about the situation.

@SealHouse my daughters allergies to unknown things are so severe I took the agonising decision to put her on a chemo drug to kill her immunity reaction. That is how sever her allergies are and how deep my understanding of and for the OP's neighbour is. And I still think that the demands being made are absolutely ludicrous.

Let's try this..would you think I was perfectly reasonable if i banned everyone in my run of terraces from having any sort of pineapple product (including the shop and the Chinese takeaway) because it can kill my daughter.

@Henryhoover12

I think I agree with your DH as far as gradually backing away from the rules. The cars have been moved. In a few days/a week I'd 'break' another one. And I wouldn't give them advance notice. I wouldn't do it 'in their face' if I could avoid it, but I wouldn't 'forewarn' them unless it meant they had to take their child out of the way.

TBH, if the whole passel of them are that concerned then they need to have a 'family meeting' and discuss the entire family pooling resources and offering to buy your house, then they could lease it out as 'no pets'. Not that you'd be interested in selling I assume.

@BusyLizzie61 we have not been “obeying happily” we have been following the rules to ensure the safety of the child at the very inconvenience of our own lives. However it felt like they weren’t appreciating it and taking us for mugs. Additionally people here have made very good points that have got us thinking!! How on earth can she be in school and it be ok. We never questioned it because we didn’t have experience on children/ allergies/school etc and wanted to avoid confrontation with our neighbours but the headlights have gone off and now we’re being taken for mugs!

@SealHouse fgs no one has said that they don’t believe that severe allergies exist- I have a child who nearly died when they was 4 years old because of their own allergies. We have made changes to our lives but do not expect others to make changes for us including our own family!

The neighbours are being utterly ridiculous to try and control the neighbours like this over their child’s allergy.

@Henryhoover12
When they next discuss the issue, I'd also ask if they've explored paying for allergen-specific immunotherapy for their child.

This is a tricky one, OP. But I have to side with the family here. I can’t imagine how terrified they must be, they thought they had a safe space for their child.

They didn’t stop you from getting your dog, but they did ask you to help keep their daughter safe. If you agreed to do that, I think you should stick to what they asked.

Whether or not getting a dog was a lifelong dream of yours, when you knew how deathly allergic your neighbour’s child was, I’m really surprised you got one. It’s just a dog after all (and I say that as a dog-owner and a dog-lover who always wanted a dog before I got one).

When they pay your mortgage they can tell you what to do

Do you know what I find most interesting about this whole thread those who have been where this family are, those who have children with potentially deadly allergies and felt that worry all seem to think these people are being unreasonable. That tells you all you need to know OP.

Munchausens by proxy?

I get the point about smoke, it obviously permeates every air like perfume. It must be horrid for that poster.

But I'm genuinely curious about the chances of a dogs smell doing the same or a dogs hair floating over a fence and landing on a child.

That's surely a number so impossibly small it can't be counted.

Nope sorry, this is on them, they have the child with a condition, they provide protection, not you. I’m 100% that the condition is not as serious as they are making out, there is no way a school could police pupils, family and their friends like this. I would strongly suspect the parents of some sort of munchausens syndrome

@Bargebill19

Em if she that allergic, shouldn’t she have been isolating at home for the past 18 months?

Why?

@GreenCrayon It has been the most valuable getting the information from people whose children have suffered from allergies who have all said that they are unreasonable in their demands. Ironically it’s all the dog lovers who say that I was wrong to get a dog, hope they wouldn’t mind putting their dog in a shelter without a second thought then if my neighbour moves next to them!

A little thing called covid and being extremely vulnerable.
Those I know with severe allergies have all been advised to stay home. I would imagine the thinking is an overwhelmed nhs would not be best placed to help them in a emergency, so the safest place for them to be was at home as adviser.
Not all chose to stay at home. Their choice.

Sorry missed @blahblahblah321

It is for the girls family to safeguard her against risks not you. The list of demands sound borderline abusive with the threat that you are evil and will kill their child if you don't comply.
It's very unreasonable to expect a neighbour not to own a dog or allow it in the garden.
Tell them you are not prepared to do this any more and it is unfair on yourself and your dog but you will speak with allergy UK to find out what you can do to minimise the risk to their daughter. Assuming it is dander that triggers her allergies daily brushing and frequent baths will help a lot.

@Hellothereagain6. Yes your reeeaaally sound like a dog lover.
Dog owner maybe.

@GreenCrayon

Do you know what I find most interesting about this whole thread those who have been where this family are, those who have children with potentially deadly allergies and felt that worry all seem to think these people are being unreasonable. That tells you all you need to know OP.

This!!

Someone a few posts ago summed it up. It is our responsibility to keep our allergy ridden kids safe and manage their conditions so they can function in society. In the same way as someone with diabetes, asthma, schizophrenia etc would have to.

My dd nearly died when she developed an allergy to a virus she had picked up in nursery. I am hyper vigilant about her health as a result but I cannot manage her allergies as despite endless blood tests, skin test, patch tests etc the hospital cannot trace what she is allergic to. Something in the air that is on higher quantities some days and over others is the best answer they can give me.

I cannot keep her in a bubble. Nor can I expect every person we ever meet to adapt their life to suit dd. She is 8 soon, she is very aware of her condition, how to manage it, how to recognise the signs etc and she leads as normal a life as we can give her.

She is on high dose antihistamine daily...the adult daily dose is 10mg a day. Dd takes 50mg and still scratches and reacts, she takes a chemo drug, vitamins, folic acid, acyclovir every few weeks when someone develops chicken pox or thinks they have it...more creams and lotions that lush.

We manage and we don't ask anyone else to bend to our needs.

Batshit crazy. I have an epipen for reactions to stings and shellfish. I don't ask my neighbours not to bbq prawns. That's about as likely to cause as reaction as dog waft over a fence. Ignore.

@Henryhoover12

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

Do you have separate gardens? Or a shared garden?

I can't believe what I am reading. This is a joke right?
No dogs and you can't park on your own driveway because your neighbours child has an allergy to dogs!

What would I do?
Park my car on my driveway.
Make sure my garden is 100% escape proof. Install cameras everywhere then Let my dog into my garden whenever I or dog wants.
End of.

Your neighbour has to mitigate the risks for their child. They cannot insist you do these things so yes, they are being very unreasonable.
They don't sound nice, they sound like they are manipulating and bullying you.

Also if their child is at risk of death from a dear dog next door, why would they not go out of their way when the house went up for sale.
I would have contacted the estate agent and made it clear over and over again that a dog could be deadly. I would have stalked those viewing and I would have told you immediately you moved in of my child's situation. Funny how they only mentioned it when you said you were getting a dog!

I understand you want to keep the peace but they are never going to accept your dog. You knew this before you got it.
So you either tell them the rules can no longer be applied and put up with the fall out, or you move house.
Personally for me the whole story has a nasty smell.

@Bargebill19

A little thing called covid and being extremely vulnerable. Those I know with severe allergies have all been advised to stay home. I would imagine the thinking is an overwhelmed nhs would not be best placed to help them in a emergency, so the safest place for them to be was at home as adviser. Not all chose to stay at home. Their choice.

Were they? My son has a severe allergy (carries adrenaline) and we were never told he should shield!