AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

[Henryhoover12]

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

Who did you buy the house off of, a family member?

@JacquelineCarlyle. How is it not? (For someone with your username I would have expected better analytical abilities.)

The nut allergy comparison was OP's, not my idea, as she wondered whether having a nut allergy would require the whole neighbourhood to go nut-free. I just took the comparison and ran with it.

A: neighbours told OP about dog allergies/multiple hospital admissions before purchase of dog.
B: OP says she always wanted a dog and purchases dog, despite their polite requests and then protests.
C: Dog lives directly next to vulnerable, allergic girl.

This is what happened. Seems to me that my nut comparison is an adequate reflection of this.

@ohfuckitall

But here, it's completely one-sided

Your moral compass is completely fucked if you think you only need to behave to others with consideration if you get some pay back for it.

which may include keeping their daughter inside if they believe it's unsafe for her to play outdoors
That's almost bordering on evil in its utter selfishness. Who on earth would think 'I'm totally fine with your child being indoors all the time if it means I get my dream dog' I'm pretty speechless.

I remember doing a philosophy course and one of the questions - reflecting a utilitarian approach - was ' would you accept a peaceful prosperous happy society if a young girl had to be locked in a basement her whole life to achieve it.' I assumed most people would answer no, how could we be happy knowing it was based on such misery. But apparently there are people on this thread who would be fine with it,.
They'd have her locked up just so someone could have dog.

OP didn't force them to live in a setting where other people might have dogs, and OP isn't forcing them to stay there. If their daughter can't be both safe and happy in that setting, then her parents need to move. If her parents would rather lock her in a basement than move, they - not OP - are abusing her. I'm not sure why you're so quick to defend these parents who'd rather cause their daughter's death than move her to a more suitable setting, but if anyone's moral compass is fucked here, it's theirs and yours.

Ultimately the issue isn’t the dog, it’s how the parents respond and react to what is going to be a life long issue for them.

I think yabu. They told you about their daughters severe allergy but you still went ahead and got a dog. You agreed to the list, agreeing for your own dog to barely use your garden which is also selfish, but now have changed your mind because it's inconvenient. If my neighbour had a peanut allergy I wouldn't be sitting in the garden eating them just to be safe.

*OP, YANBU, it is your house and you should be free to let your dog into the garden. The kid's parents have a duty to protect the child, not you. If they don't want to be near a dog , then they need to move to a property with no gardens attached to theirs.

I am always sympathetic of allergies, having friends with serious egg and nut allergies, and happy to make allowances for them, but for you to not be able to have a dog because of the neighbour is selfish on their part, not on yours.

Don't agree time slots with them, you should be able to enjoy your garden whenever you want.

The onus is on them to protect their child, not you and they need to take the necessary measures not you.

Unfortunately though, if the whole street is related and as batshit crazy as your neighbour, then you might not want to live there long anyway.*

This.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Surely the ndn needs to move? Their problems aren't yours to solve.

I agree they should surely move where there are no neighbours near? I would not have any one tell me ' I cant really have a pet and if I did, it wouldn't be allowed out ect'

@sergeilavrov

To be honest, I wouldn't have gotten the dog given you knew in advance. I think the child's life is ultimately more important, and if it was my child, I'd desperately want other people to compromise to keep her healthy - her quality of life is significantly limited already without people making it worse. I wish that would have been disclosed prior to you buying, of course, which is on them - given you've decided the dog is non negotiable, I assume you would have bought elsewhere.

I think you will end up moving. They won't move, their entire family is here, they've made changes to adapt to her life there, and ultimately the issue is your dog - as irrational as you might feel it is, if it was your child, you'd hate them for putting your child at risk too. For now, I'd avoid getting the dog outside in the back, use your front garden or walk the dog to the park. You have options she doesn't have, and your ease doesn't trump her health.

I agree with this

My friend has A child so deathly allergic to something. She can’t go to school. Lives inside for most of her life. I know her through the home education community. Because the school couldn’t guarantee the safety of her life. As they can’t.

But seeing your 3 year old in ICU every single yearn if not every 6 months is so incredibly traumatic. I can’t even comprehend her life. How the deal with nearly losing their child.

They’ve all had to have therapy as a family. The family have been broken over and over

I see how it can make you and I’d be the exact same way if something so common could kill my child…

Ridiculous. They can't control someone else's lives.

I would live my life how I wanted. If they want something different, they have to move. They have been lucky so far that they had someone so easy going as a neighbour.

@Henryhoover12

Additionally it’s not just about the use of the garden. We have a long list of things we have to follow (don’t feel comfortable sharing as they are so specific and so outing) that is she read this she would know. So please remember when I say I let my dog out for a wee in the garden I didn’t break the only rule my neighbour gave us, I probably followed the other 10 perfectly that day that this one just slipped my mind or I was so exhausted from all of it I forgot. So perhaps the mums reaction pissed me off even more because we follow so many of her rules that had she just said “op you forgot my kid is in the garden don’t worry about it this time I appreciate the effort but please remember for next time”

So are all the other rules because of the child's allergies. I don't see how they can be if they were in force before you got the dog.

I get that you don't want to share what the rules are but I would love to know. I honestly think they are crazy and just like to boss people around. They also probably hate dogs and just don't want one next door

@Robin198

Ultimately the issue isn’t the dog, it’s how the parents respond and react to what is going to be a life long issue for them.

Exactly. They are protecting their daughter, and championing her wellbeing. That sounds like good parenting to me. They cannot take her allergy away from her, so they are doing the best job they can protecting her, including by ensuring a safe home environment.

You need to grow a backbone OP.

Their demands are not reasonable.

Maybe they could purchase your house at an over the market price for the inconvenience so they can dictate what goes on in your garden. If they don't think that proposal is reasonable then point out neither is theirs.

The problem is by the sounds of it you have accommodated their stupid demands already rather than creating appropriate boundaries.

So what happens if their parent works with people who have dogs? Are colleagues not allowed dogs?

What if one of the family goes near a friend with dogs, or near someone in the supermarket.

Allergies absolutely must be taken seriously. However, I have known a parent lie about how severe it was as well.

Something isn't true here. All the family living in one cul de sac. The whole cul de sac has someone managed to make sure they never, ever come into contact with a dog or someone who owns one. The child goes to school where there's no gaurentee one of kids families won't get a dog or even brush against a dog on their way into school. Your dog being in your own garden triggers the allergy.

And given everyone's lives are ruled by this, they never spoke to you about it before you mentioned getting a dog? You were on friendly terms, but they never broached the subject of how you having potentially having a dog may kill their child? They expect their neighbours to never have a dog, but never thought to have that converstation?

Yet you seem so sure the allergy amdbits severity is real?

The school have out very strict things in place for her so I don’t doubt the severity of her allergies

I don't pretend to know about this particular child, but the two don't necessarily go together. Many schools dance like dervishes around allergies (some of them imagined) simply because LEAs don't fancy being sued, and because a certain type of parent takes full advantage schools are understandably gettng more insistent about proof

Make sure your boundaries are absolutely dog proof, OP, but otherwise I'd say you've already allowed yourself to be controlled quite enough, and that the responsibility lies with the parents

I’m sorry her child is so ill.

However. They don’t get to distaste how you live your life in the boundaries of your own home. End of. You paid for it, you life the life you want, dog or no dog. (You said there were other rules they wanted following?).
They need to either buy a much larger/remote place or buy out properties on all their boundaries.

@Henryhoover12

Additionally it’s not just about the use of the garden. We have a long list of things we have to follow (don’t feel comfortable sharing as they are so specific and so outing) that is she read this she would know. So please remember when I say I let my dog out for a wee in the garden I didn’t break the only rule my neighbour gave us, I probably followed the other 10 perfectly that day that this one just slipped my mind or I was so exhausted from all of it I forgot. So perhaps the mums reaction pissed me off even more because we follow so many of her rules that had she just said “op you forgot my kid is in the garden don’t worry about it this time I appreciate the effort but please remember for next time”

You really don't need to be living by your neighbours long list of rules. That is clearly insane.

It's a bit M. Night Shayamalan.

It’s a good point- however unrealistic/a faff, it would be less of a financial burden for them to swap homes with one of their relatives than for the OP, who is well within her legal and moral rights to stay in her home that she has recently purchased. Awkward but possible. I suggest writing a letter and getting a couple of sensible (and sensitive) trusted friends to check through it before you send it to the neighbours. You could suggest meeting in a few days after letter delivered to discuss it and try to find a solution, to give them time to think.
Definitely get others to check, OP as you’ve made it sound like you may be a bit hesitant/over apologetic in your own words. Not to say that you should be aggressive at all, god forbid! But you can be pleasant and solution focused, explaining your needs and how you moved with the intention of getting a dog and that the costs of buying/selling mean it is impossible for you to just up sticks. And that you don’t want to put their child at risk but that the current set up is not working for you and that you need to be able to use your garden- and you’re willing to compromise and wouldn’t have the dog in the garden all day every day as that would be unfair on them, but that it isn’t viable for the dog to never be able to use it. You could say that circumstances have changed, eg it’s now less practical for you to be able to take the dog for a walk every time it needs to pee- you don’t need to explain why. Be solution focused! Whether that includes bells, calling out to the child, a flag (!)… I know those may sound ridiculous but it sounds like you have to stay put and need to find a way to make it work. Best of luck

Dictate not distaste. Sorry.

@MrsMiddleMother

I think yabu. They told you about their daughters severe allergy but you still went ahead and got a dog. You agreed to the list, agreeing for your own dog to barely use your garden which is also selfish, but now have changed your mind because it's inconvenient. If my neighbour had a peanut allergy I wouldn't be sitting in the garden eating them just to be safe.

Say they already had the dog? What then? The dog is there now there is no way I'd restrict my dogs access to the garden with 2 hedges and a 6ft fence

Unless you share a garden they're being bonkers.

I would just ignore her if she starts screaming, I'd literally put my hand up to her face.

I work with someone who has anaphylaxis to animals and even she's not triggered to that extent that she couldn't be in a room with someone who owns a dog. And she's in hospital resus about 15x a year. One time at work she had to be given 8 epipens before she was taken off in an ambulance. Your neighbours child has a very unusual strength of reaction if she can't be in a classroom with someone who owns a dog - how does she manage assemblies and school plays?

If the relatives are that bothered why don’t they swap houses with the parents until the daughter leaves home?.

I saw a child badly affected by a dog allergy on tv but the hospital treated him by injecting tiny microlitres of allergen with a crash team on standby & gradually got him tolerant to dogs.

My kids have severe allergies and I can't stand dogs but even I think your neighbours are batshit crazy. Her screaming at you given how compliant you have been so far would have been the last straw for me tbh.

If their child can't be near dogs even outside then they need to buy a house in the middle of nowhere.

Sorry but this is batshit crazy.

You cannot control how your neighbours live their lives.

What they should have done is firstly notified the agent when the house went up for sale so the agent could tell you and you could take it into consideration when deciding whether to buy the house and secondly she should have asked you to let her know when the dog was going out so she could take the child in not forbidding you from using your own garden!