AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

[Henryhoover12]

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

People saying OP was selfish to get a dog despite the neighbours, I know many people who’ve moved to houses/out of city centres in order to then get a dog. The OP may have chosen this house and garden with getting a dog in mind. Moving would entail stress and costs that seem unfair. On reading all the updates, I think before deciding what to do, I think the op should do as some PPs have suggested and ask to speak to/email the child’s doctors to ask for advice/how the allergy works and if being in the garden really will put the child in danger. I do sympathise with the neighbours but I actually think they should have contacted the agent who sold the OPs houses or got the former owner to disclose the situation as it sounds to me like op wouldn’t have bought this house if they’d known it would make owning a dog so difficult.

OP, I forgot to respond to your comparison about nut allergy.

It would be like telling a new, friendly, neighbour about your hospital admissions for nut allergy, only for them to respond 'I have always dreamt of having a nut tree orchard', and planting one straight next to you. That is, in truth, the equivalent of what you have done.

I was wondering if could agree to a higher than 6ft separating fence given its usually neighbours that would complain to council. However if both sides also have hedges there must already be a big gap between dog and child, its likely any floating hair would get stuck in the hedges. Grooming causes a cloud of hairs/dander so would make sure to do that elsewhere.

For those who have asked, would we have purchased a house knowing that someone is severely allergic to dogs absolutely not. As we have always known that we wanted a dog, so maybe the fault is on us but then again how many of you would ask such a question when viewing properties?

We are not psycho people who are out to kill a child, we have gone far beyond reasonable to accommodate their child’s safety. So many of our friends and family are in disbelief at the extent we have gone to actually. But the arrangement is now not working for us and we need some slack!

If the shoe was on the other foot I I would never dream to put such demands on my neighbour (which is ironic considering I’ve accepted to abide by them) if it was me I would just have to do what is in our control- e.g create a safe environment for the child inside, move somewhere with no neighbours etc etc

Oh my goodness. @missingholland begins by saying this discussion is the maddest I have seen in Mumsnet thus far and then goes on to make THE most bonkers analogy I have ever seen:

I grew up with a dog. But if I had to chose between the dog and the human family members, I would chose the humans without a second thought. In fact, almost everyone in their right mind would. In WWII, my grandfather's family, who were occupied by the Nazis at the time, had no food. With a heavy heart they slaughtered the family's pets. They didn't consider cannibalising a child.

I think that must be Peak Mumsnet.

As for OP’s dilemma, are this family part of some weird religious cult? It sounds creepy.
I’d say you have nothing to lose by telling the family that you will only keep the dog out of the garden if they give you a doctor’s report explaining the dangers of airborne dog hair to their child. And I mean a report specifically about their child, not something off the Internet.

"One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden."

Then that's where I'd start. By pointing out that she is ALWAYS in the garden and there there has to be some compromise on their part too. Whether that be a schedule that you both agree to whereby she is inside at set times, or you fit an Air Raid Siren that is set off when the dog is about to be let out. Whatever. But the dog - and you - must be able to access your own garden reasonably.

Apparently 30% of the population have a dog, so I really cannot believe the child can avoid other children with dogs at school. Anyway as pp said, the allergy is usually to the dander (and I have developed allergic rhinitis to my own cats; but I take antihistamines all the year round). I am not coughing and sneezing in the garden.

I would have thought this is a classic one for the Daily Fail to pick up unless you've cunningly changed a cat allergy to a dog one if you're remotely bothered about being outed, OP.

Ignore their nonsense. I'm severely allergic to cats and horses, it doesn't affect me when next door's cat walks past my house. They're clearly unhinged.

@GreenCrayon, the OP has literally written she has a special dog-free teacher. We don't know how much she is allowed and able to interact with other children while in school. But what OP writes, suggests things are quite restrictive. Also, I don't begrudge a little girl her ability to attend mainstream schooling.

Off topic, but I wonder how this scenario would have played out if it was a working dog e.g a guide dog that was next door. Would that individual be under as much harassment from the neighbour as the OP is?

@Henryhoover12

The issue is I can’t imagine them ever moving because their whole family live in this street and always have (from what we gathered the houses seem to be passed through the generation)

Well if that's true, then between them as a family they could have organised that the little girl and her parents live in between two of their houses. So that each side they had guaranteed non dog owners.

Perhaps you could suggest it in case none of them have even thought of it.

Of course you shouldn't sell your house and move away, but even if you did how can they guarantee that the people buying it wouldn't have numerous dogs?

Have you tried contacting a helpline like Allergy UK and discussing it with them, I'd be interested to hear what they make of it.

And yes pure batshitery on this thread.

@Henryhoover12

For those who have asked, would we have purchased a house knowing that someone is severely allergic to dogs absolutely not. As we have always known that we wanted a dog, so maybe the fault is on us but then again how many of you would ask such a question when viewing properties?

We are not psycho people who are out to kill a child, we have gone far beyond reasonable to accommodate their child’s safety. So many of our friends and family are in disbelief at the extent we have gone to actually. But the arrangement is now not working for us and we need some slack!

If the shoe was on the other foot I I would never dream to put such demands on my neighbour (which is ironic considering I’ve accepted to abide by them) if it was me I would just have to do what is in our control- e.g create a safe environment for the child inside, move somewhere with no neighbours etc etc

I was one of the ones who asked the question about purchasing the house if you'd have known. It wasn't aimed at you asking the question it was more of someone should have made you aware so you were buying the house knowing.

[quote Henryhoover12]@BoxHedge I truly believe their child has severe allergies probably the same as the documentary you watched. I don’t doubt the severity of it. We have been more then compromising to them but we need some back from them. For example not have their kid in the garden all the time so atleast our dog can use the garden[/quote]
I think you are being too accommodating and they are never going to be happy.

Just take a step back and read how ridiculous this sounds. If the neighbours are family too then you may have been fed an exaggerated version of events. If not it is up to the parents to manage it themselves and they can only expect reasonable behaviour from you like making sure your dog is not able to get into their garden or that it doesn’t run loose at the front.

Of course your dog can go in the garden whenever it likes. Don’t go down the path of agreeing to time slots.

Maybe suggest they put up a second fence or barrier in their garden to keep their dc away from your fence if they’re worried.

I would have said you were not unreasonable until I read Maggie O'Farrell's I am, I am, I am - the last chapter deal's with her daughter's multiple allergies and anaphylactic shock. (It may also be the same child who was born with chronic asthma).
After that, I could not imagine deciding to get a dog knowing ndn's child had allergies that could be fatal - you knew but went ahead anyway.

@MysteriousMonkey

If your neighbours are telling the truth about the severity then I don't think you should have got a dog and I think you have been a bit selfish. You say you've always wanted one, and you have to live your live, but it sounds like this child is just trying to survive theirs. I have never heard of a dog allergy like this but you clearly believe them and got one anyway. I just can't understand that.

I agree with this - if you believe them (as you say you do), it's extremely selfish to have gotten the dog. No wonder they're upset with you & I'm not surprised your neighbours are upset with you too.

The sensible solution would be for this family to move into the middle of nowhere. They can't expect neighbours to never let their dog out. The dog is entitled to quality of life too and you day it loves to go in its own garden so let it out. If your nutty neighbours wish to keep their child in that is up to them. Don't let them dictate how you live your life.

@HaveringWavering, considering the fact that in the above conversation PPs regularly equate the dog's wellbeing with the little girl's wellbeing (a pet with a human), it is an appropriate comment to make (and to show how ridiculous this equation is).

Some cultures regard dogs as ‘dirty’ and only fit to be kept as guard dogs. With close and extended family living in the same cul de sac I would guess that there may be a cultural difference at play too.

Your house, your garden, your land, They can’t possibly believe you have to curtail your wants/lifestyle in order to suit their needs. I can’t believe having your dog in the garden can be a huge risk to the child,

[quote missingholland]@GreenCrayon, the OP has literally written she has a special dog-free teacher. We don't know how much she is allowed and able to interact with other children while in school. But what OP writes, suggests things are quite restrictive. Also, I don't begrudge a little girl her ability to attend mainstream schooling.[/quote]
She may well have a dog free teacher but that teacher will come into contact with other children as well as other staff at some point.

No school I have worked at would have been able to accommodate such a request it’s literally impossible. If the child is as allergic as they say no school would want to take such a risk with a child’s life.

But here, it's completely one-sided

Your moral compass is completely fucked if you think you only need to behave to others with consideration if you get some pay back for it.

which may include keeping their daughter inside if they believe it's unsafe for her to play outdoors
That's almost bordering on evil in its utter selfishness. Who on earth would think 'I'm totally fine with your child being indoors all the time if it means I get my dream dog' I'm pretty speechless.

I remember doing a philosophy course and one of the questions - reflecting a utilitarian approach - was ' would you accept a peaceful prosperous happy society if a young girl had to be locked in a basement her whole life to achieve it.' I assumed most people would answer no, how could we be happy knowing it was based on such misery. But apparently there are people on this thread who would be fine with it,.
They'd have her locked up just so someone could have dog.

@missingholland There are faiths such as Jainism and some types of Buddhism that regard all living things as having equal value. They also teach that suffering is suffering regardless of who is experiencing it.

i think id look to move house. Being the only non family member in an entire cul de sac, and living next door to someone who was fatally allergic to my beloved pet - its not about whos right or wrong, but it just sounds really stressful for everyone