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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't afford school fees

388 replies

Theemptyvase · 08/07/2021 11:33

I've just found out that my DC is no longer entitled to a free place at her private school.

She's 6 years old and has now completed two years of school and, having found it very hard the first year, she has now settled down and is getting on very well indeed.

There's a possibility that a place will once again become available in a year or two, so we are deciding whether to try to pay the fees ourselves in the hope that:
A) a free place once again becomes available, or
B) in a year or two she'll have the confidence to move school with less trauma

She's made so much progress at her school and become so much more comfortable in her own skin that I'm loathe to move her (despite the alternative school being absolutely fine). We can pay the fees ourself but it will be with quite some sacrifice - we'll be able to afford the mortgage, insurance, food albeit with being much more careful at the supermarket etc, but we'll have no savings and the luxuries will have to go.

I'm strongly inclined to believe that a really positive school experience is worth these sacrifices, but I know I'm biased on these matters. Please could anyone with experience of fee problems and/or shy/sensitive children please offer their advice?

For voting; YANBU to pay school fees. YABU - man up and send her to the other school.

Thanks

OP posts:
thriftyhen · 08/07/2021 14:09

I honestly think that paying for private education in the early years is worth it, more so than at secondary level (particularly if you can access good grammars). Ours benefitted from small classes, extra help (dyslexia), sport, drama, dance, music. It gave them heaps of self confidence. If she is happy, I would stick with it. It doesn't appear that you can't afford it, just that you will need to cut back on certain things which is what many, many parents with children at independent schools do.

Nocutenamesleft · 08/07/2021 14:11

@MarshaBradyo

Sort of yes. We’ve got email confirmation etc

But due to something that happened which I can’t discuss. I’m still so incredibly upset by the whole thing. It’s really upset me sadly.

We decided to take them out. It’s a long wnd complicated story. But I still find it difficult to discuss years later.

SpaceRaiders · 08/07/2021 14:11

6k a year and only 60 kids - I cannot get my head around how on earth the financials stack up for the school with the fees this low and the low number of pupils 🤔

Some schools receive government subsidies. Ours is a catholic school so it also gets additional funds from the diocese. Don’t forget generous donors and alumni. Dyson has just built a 1mil science building for his old school. Most schools have charitable status, therefore it’s another good way to mitigate tax liabilities if you’re a wealthy business owner.

AnxiousWeirdo · 08/07/2021 14:13

As the parent of a painfully shy and anxious 6 year old I'd be inclined to keep her where she is, that's easy for me to say though as I'm not paying for it but if you can afford it and are happy to pay it. We're moving house but are very limited as I refuse to change her school because of the huge issues DD had settling in.

Bluesheep8 · 08/07/2021 14:22

Why are people talking about making sacrifices? Not being able to save money and not buying luxuries is NOT a sacrifice! It's a choice Confused

Thelnebriati · 08/07/2021 14:23

Leaving yourself with no savings means you can't afford it, and you will be placing yourself in financial insecurity.
Far better to save towards her Uni fees.

1starwars2 · 08/07/2021 14:25

What are your local schools like?

knitnerd90 · 08/07/2021 14:26

I'd move her now. What happens if, in a year's time, there's still no free place and you have to move her? I think it will be worse if she's settled in more firmly.

Bluesheep8 · 08/07/2021 14:27

I took ops post to mean that if they pay school fees they can't afford to save or buy luxuries. I didn't take it to mean that the savings were FOR the school fees but in addition to the fees.

Legoninjago1 · 08/07/2021 14:33

It's one thing to go without luxuries to pay school fees - plenty of people do that. It's another level to have to be careful at the supermarket to pay them. At that level you are very vulnerable to the inevitable cost rises.

Grimbelina · 08/07/2021 14:39

I think you could also be looking for a new job so you need to consider whether you could afford the fees if you were unemployed. Very unlikely they will suddenly reinstate free places in any case. Your child might thrive in a local school with larger pool of friends etc. There are gains and losses to both small and private schools... it can be very hard to know at 6 what is going to work in any case. Maybe think of the last two years as being an extended nursery education and plan to move to state now.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 08/07/2021 14:41

why is she getting it free in the first place? If you can't afford it then she goes to the nearest ms school..

Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 08/07/2021 14:41

I'd choose moving her and using the money to live a life and go places as a family etc. Education at a state school is good enough for everychild. If you have the luxury of paying it doesn't usually affect your life style. So I'd say you are not wealthy enough to maintain the lifestyle and that's no fun. Go where it's free. She will still shine in life if she does activities. Clubs. Has good parents who support her reading etc. It's all in the individual attitude too.

Good luck.

I do understand you'd like her to stay with her friends though. But she will soon make a new circle x

Earwigworries · 08/07/2021 14:44

Being shy and sensitive doesn’t preclude doing well in a decent state school …. plenty of kids are like that …one of mine included who’s doing great at a state grammar . What does do damage is holding kids back because you’ve labelled them shy and sensitive … I’m not saying that’s you OP …but it is something to think about . Don’t underestimate her capabilities to adapt

GreenCrayon · 08/07/2021 14:44

@huuuuunnnndderrricks

why is she getting it free in the first place? If you can't afford it then she goes to the nearest ms school..
If you cannot be bothered to read the whole thread then can I suggest using the see all function on the first post. You would then see that the OP has answered this question already.
iamalighthouse · 08/07/2021 14:47

Ok I initially thought you should send her to state school. However reading all your posts I would send her there next year. You can afford it if you take her out now, then next year or year after she gets a free place back then that's a lot of moving that's very unsettling. review the situation next year..but I would be very loath to pull my dd out of a place where I know she is happy.

billy1966 · 08/07/2021 14:47

I would fully agree money is better spent in the secondary stage than primary in most cases.

I would move her asap as the earlier the move the more accepting children are of an addition to a class.

You will have to just put time and effort into plenty of playdates to help things along.

Giving her another year knowing she will then leave is a disaster, extremely unsettling IMO.

Highly unlikely that the school will reinstate but I think it is extremely unfair of them to have done this to children in their system.

I also agree that parental involvement is key to a child doing well, however being in a school environment where parents, teachers and pupils have a very high expectation of academic achievement really helps too whether in a private or state setting.

Micemakingclothes · 08/07/2021 14:47

Free spots for teaching staff are a long standing tradition. If they dropped it entirely and are expecting staff to pay full fees, I would move her now. I would take that as a signal that the perk is never coming back. If instead they are offering a discounted fee, I would take advantage of that and keep her where she is.

iamalighthouse · 08/07/2021 14:48

Sorry my post 2nd is unclear..I would send her to her existing school

Original poster
Theemptyvase · 08/07/2021 14:53

Thank you all so much for your replies. It has been incredibly helpful to read through them all. To the PP who is having troubles with the busary, and the one who was so affected by the upheaval of moving so much, I really hope that things get better Flowers

In contractual terms, the free school places have never been mentioned. It's always been an informal agreement, so I suppose it's a case of more fool me for relying on something like that. I have always been aware of it, but a lot of my colleagues have had kids there right through so I went for it hoping that this situation would never arise. More fool me for creating the risk for myself.

Looking at the terms of the fee payment for the school, it seems they need a decent-sized payment up front, which is even more problematic than the monthly cost. To find the money, we'll have to cancel our holiday (it has free cancellation due to Covid), cancel DDs extra-curricular music and swimming classes, and start cutting corners everywhere. Like a lot of PPs have said, school is not necessarily worth more than all that to my daughter.

And to those who take issue with my calling it a sacrifice, I completely agree. I recognise my privilege in this situation and know that, quite undeservedly, I am a lot more fortunate than so many people, and I will not lose sight of that.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 08/07/2021 14:55

@billy1966

I would fully agree money is better spent in the secondary stage than primary in most cases.

I would move her asap as the earlier the move the more accepting children are of an addition to a class.

You will have to just put time and effort into plenty of playdates to help things along.

Giving her another year knowing she will then leave is a disaster, extremely unsettling IMO.

Highly unlikely that the school will reinstate but I think it is extremely unfair of them to have done this to children in their system.

I also agree that parental involvement is key to a child doing well, however being in a school environment where parents, teachers and pupils have a very high expectation of academic achievement really helps too whether in a private or state setting.

Agreed. As a parent who has been there we moved from private to the local primary last year and they had a few months in before everything closed down the sooner you get her settled into a sustainable solution for school, the better.

You've given her a good foundation and that's wonderful. But it does not get any easier to make the move, particularly if your child IS shy and sensitive (I have one of those!) and your own guilt is definitely clouding the issue. Other posters are correct; they may never reinstate the perk of free places. Even if they do, this situation is always going to be a possibility and what will you do if it happens later?

Shy, sensitive children excel in the state school system too -- which, based on population, is where the vast majority of them will be anyway. You can use the money you would have spent on fees for extracurriculars, academic support, etc. to make up any gaps in opportunity or education.

I understand the feelings you're going through, but it really will be OK if you move her now.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 08/07/2021 14:55

@Theemptyvase

I don't want to say too much about the specific circumstances in case anyone recognises me, but yes as a PP said I'm a teacher at the school. They have always offered free places to staff children but due to financial pressures (mostly from Covid) they are having to suspend free places for now and are hoping to reinstate later. We are in no way taking a bursary away from a deserving child, just to clear that up.

She probably would be fine at state school, but she's already revved up to go into the next school year and it breaks my heart to think of taking that away from her if there's any way I can avoid it.

I don’t think they can do that? Surely she had a contract of enrolment? They can’t just change the t’s and c’s because they’re short on cash!
MarshaBradyo · 08/07/2021 14:57

Gracious reply op, you sound measured and I’m sure your dd will do well at next school

I don’t think you should start cancelling stuff though so even though it’s tough atm I’d look at moving to state. It’ll feel better really quickly as she makes friends.

muddyford · 08/07/2021 14:59

If your husband is a Freemason you may be able to get help with fees right through to 18. It depends on your income and there is a rigorous but sensitive interview of your finances etc to see if you might qualify. A friend of mine did it for her little daughter in a similar situation.

You can also look at other bursaries, often from tiny obscure local charities set up by generous benefactors from before we had a state system.

zaffa · 08/07/2021 14:59

Truthfully OP I think I'd continue to make the sacrifices to keep her in the school, if you think you can do this all the way through. I know it's a lot, but as the child of the parents who made many many sacrifices to keep me in an excellent school, I have always appreciated that (even if at the time maybe I didn't understand why we didn't have the same luxuries as my peers).

A good school can do wonders for your child's future and I would personally consider that to be the last to go (but I was raised in a country where fee paying schools are standard so I never had the option of free schooling and it's possible this will skew my view somewhat)