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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was neighbour or myself BU?

333 replies

NeighbourWoes · 07/07/2021 19:50

We live in a building of flats which have communal gardens front and back. The back is much bigger and more for recreational use and the front is more of a flower bed type garden but still a decent size. To get to the back garden we have to walk around a street and use a key so it's not very convenient. Myself, DH and DS (2) live on the third floor and since lockdown we got into the habit of watering the flowers in the front garden. This was initiated by the communal gardener who got DS a watering can etc.

We do it probably 4 or 5 times a week, for 10 minutes a time. DS likes to fill up the watering can from the hose pipe and it's a sedate activity where we enjoy looking at the flowers but by no means make much noise or anything like that.

The hosepipe is directly by one of the ground floor flats windows. This ground floor flat doesn't have direct access to the communal garden but their window from the kitchen/ living room looks out directly onto it. This flat is occupied by a single older lady in her late 70s and we have always had a bit of a chat and been very friendly and she chats about DS etc.

This morning DS and I were in the garden for approximately 10 minutes just after 8am. We thought no more of it. This evening as we were coming in the neighbour came out of her flat very angry and exasperated and said that this morning was ridiculous because she was trying to have her breakfast and look out of her window and we were "right there". (I did notice this morning that she shut her curtains as we came into the garden.) She asked us to stop playing in that part of the garden but from the off was quite aggressive. I said I didn't ever realise this was an issue at all and she barked "I'm telling you right now it is!" She said it was ridiculous that we were so close to her window.

The issue is that's where the hosepipe is for filling up the watering can plus all the plant pots. Previously she has always come out and thanked DS for watering her pots saying it saved her a job so I have no idea where this came from.

I said to her that I was sorry she was upset but it's a communal space and she was very agitated. DH then arrived home and asked what the problem was and she was shrieking a bit and he told her "it won't happen again", but I'm annoyed as it's not her right to tell her we can't use that part of the garden.

I walked away and got quite emotional because all during lockdown I've struggled living in a third floor flat with no private garden and this is one thing DS looks forward to each day and asks to do, and this previously friendly neighbour suddenly became hostile and has spoilt that for him.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Sisisimone · 08/07/2021 19:56

Despite many posts of advice you do not seem willing to bend or listen
Exactly. Not one ounce of empathy or understanding as to why someone wouldn't want people outside there window for months virtually every, single day. Its all just 'me me me'. From the OPs posts and complete refusal to listen to a majority saying yes YABU I imagine she's a totally inconsiderate neighbour and the 8am start was absolutely the straw that broke the camels back.

Billandben444 · 08/07/2021 19:57

Just knock on her door (late morning), say sorry you upset her (cos you obviously did for whatever reason) and tell her that you want to continue enjoying the garden with your son but will leave it until after lunch in future. Big cheery grin and a 'bye then!'.

2bazookas · 08/07/2021 20:15

Teensy compromise; don't water at 8am.

Water after 9.30.

When she says "Your DH said it won;t happen again" you reply " That's right. I won't water at 8am again. But this IS our commun al garden and tap and hose so of course we will stillbe watering. Just later. "

If she lays claim to her pots, get your own and let you child enjoy planting them up and watering.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 20:41

@Sisisimone

Despite many posts of advice you do not seem willing to bend or listen Exactly. Not one ounce of empathy or understanding as to why someone wouldn't want people outside there window for months virtually every, single day. Its all just 'me me me'. From the OPs posts and complete refusal to listen to a majority saying yes YABU I imagine she's a totally inconsiderate neighbour and the 8am start was absolutely the straw that broke the camels back.

I just wonder why they can't use the back garden.

Even if it requires a walk around the block, isn't that desirable to give the child some exercise?

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 20:42

@stellaisabella

If it's a communal garden, can you not get a couple little potted flowers for your son to water of his own, away from her window? Fill the little can up in your sink, take him down to see to his plants. No one gets annoyed, no awkwardness. You have every right to be in the garden but can see why she might find it uncomfortable under her window.

This is a good idea.

MaMelon · 08/07/2021 20:53

I just wonder why they can't use the back garden

Because she’s fully entitled to use the front garden as well as the back. It should be possible to arrive at a compromise which allows the OP to use both gardens whilst minimising the impact on her neighbour - who in turn needs to accept purchasing a ground floor flat with a communal garden means she’ll see her neighbours using it.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:06

@MaMelon

I just wonder why they can't use the back garden

I'd have to see the layout and plantings. If the front is landscaped flower beds with no benches or other amenities, it's probably not intended as a play area.

MaMelon · 08/07/2021 21:22

They’re not playing in it - they’re watering the plants which the gardener said they could do.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:31

@MaMelon

They’re not playing in it - they’re watering the plants which the gardener said they could do.

But if the toddler is squealing or running around...

I believe she said the usual gardener is a fellow resident, not anyone in actual authority.

MaMelon · 08/07/2021 21:35

The OP hasn’t said anything about running about or squealing - this was the first time that the neighbour reacted the way she did. If the usual gardener is a fellow resident then I presume he’s aware of what’s allowed/acceptable to other residents and what isn’t.

Unfortunately, if you want sole use of a garden then a communal one isn’t for you.

YummyInMyTummy · 08/07/2021 22:38

YANBU. Even if your neighbour did have a point, the way she approached it was so unnecessary.

I totally agree with @Mummyford.

It was 8am and she was fully dressed, that’s not ridiculously early. And it’s not like she’d asked you many times already and you’d ignored her; she should have spoken nicely with you.

LizzieW1969 · 08/07/2021 23:20

But if the toddler is squealing or running around...

There’s no suggestion that this is the case. Unlikely, as said toddler was involved in watering the plants at that time.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/07/2021 23:48

There was no suggestion in the OP that the neighbour was shouting and shrieking either. Angry, exasperated and barking I think.

Something must have triggered that.

OP has admitted it is more convenient for her to use that garden even though there is a big recreational one out the back.

OP has jazzed up her version of events when no-one was agreeing with her.

To me, she is coming across as inconsiderate.

I would bloody love too heear

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/07/2021 23:49

Sorry
Hear her neighbour’s version of it.

I suspect they are far from the same.

LizzieW1969 · 08/07/2021 23:57

OP has jazzed up her version of events when no-one was agreeing with her.

No-one? That’s simply not true. Quite a few posters have spoken up for the OP, especially as the neighbour’s response was OTT (even if not exactly shrieking).

It’s not unusual for posters to exaggerate in this way, though.

Hydrate · 08/07/2021 23:57

I would not want anybody close to my window and would have asked for the plants to be moved elsewhere, away from my window.

LizzieW1969 · 08/07/2021 23:58

Anyway, I don’t think the OP is coming back, so we’re all just speculating on the actual truth. As is also a common occurrence on such threads…

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 09/07/2021 00:08

Hi lizzie

You are of course right. The majority told her to go back later and OP wasn’t having it really.

Exaggeration isn’t uncommon.

Fluffing it up afterwards though makes me think that they weren’t entirely truthful at the start. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway. My mistake re the no-one. Point well made

I do still think that events have not transpired in the way mentioned (with or without fluffing) and the neighbour would have a very different tale to tell.

HollaHolla · 09/07/2021 00:13

I’ve made a little garden of pots under my window during lockdown. It’s communal grass usually, but I’ve put 3 pots/troughs out, with nice scented flowers in them. I’m on the ground floor, so it’s my windows, but my neighbours have told me they got a fright the first time they saw me walking past to water them one evening. We chatted about it, like normal people, and they said they’d noticed someone had put some sweet peas and honeysuckle out. They have told me they’re also enjoying seeing them, and if anyone complains, I’ll move them.

It’s brought me a lot of joy, though, during a pretty shitty time. I’d be gutted if someone told me to stop it all, but I’m trying to be considerate.

I’d suggest you leave it until mid morning at earliest. Y’know, like a normal considerate person. Communal living comes with compromises!!

cooldarkroom · 09/07/2021 09:22

I would carry on, trying to keep to late morning /afternoon.
Could you take her a bunch of flowers & explain ? You say sorry it was early at 8am, DS so loves his 10 minutes activity & is stuck in a 3rd floor flat.
The gardener has encouraged DS to water, unfortunately the tap is below her window, but you will do your maximum not stay in front, you all pay the same charges, it is a communal garden.

Original poster

NeighbourWoes · 09/07/2021 18:02

Update - I saw the neighbour today and went over to speak to her. I was by myself and another neighbour was there. I asked if the neighbour was ok and she said she was happy she had seen me and apologised and said things had got out of hand and I agreed.

She apologised for being aggressive (her words) she said she had found it irritating for weeks and hadn't known how to say anything and it had built up and then she had exploded but she did apologise for not saying anything sooner or in a nicer way.

I said I didn't want any hostility and said we wouldn't go to the garden on a morning and keep it to just twice a week in the afternoon. I explained I hadn't realised it had been upsetting her. initially she said that was a good compromise then she started saying how annoying it was and when she had children she wouldn't dream of letting them near other peoples windows. I said it was about the hosepipe and by then said she would prefer us not to go at all.

I was quite upset and the other neighbour (another older lady) was saying she was happy for us to be by her window but there is no hosepipe there. In the end we left it that we won't go at all because things were getting hostile again and I was upset and I said I'd rather not have the upset. At one point I said we all have to give and take and she said "not necessarily". She went inside and the other lady chatted for a bit and tried to make me feel better.

I know it seems like I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face saying we won't go at all but I can't face bad relations with neighbours. I'm sure loads of you on here will say I'm lying about this exchange to make myself look better but what would be the point? I actually feel better after that because I think she's shown her true colours to me (so I don't feel mad) and also the neighbour who was upset with her after too.

OP posts:

Saidtoomuch · 09/07/2021 18:18

She sounds unhinged by your update this evening. Is the tap hers alone or is it for use by all of the garden owners? She could arrange to get it moved if its upsetting her. Its easily done with an extension. She could move to an older person's community if she doesn't like small children in the shared garden. I would love you to post an update in a few weeks, where one of the flats was now occupied by a family with school aged children who were spending the holidays filling up water pistols

Time4change2018 · 09/07/2021 18:18

What a shame - I think she has shown her colours tbh. She might have anxiety etc and space can feel invaded but she lives in a flat & should accept some level of this given she's on the ground floor.
I'd arrange for the hosepipe to be moved to the other tap so you can carry on your watering - don't let her bad manners / anxiety /grumpiness upset you. Find a way to get back in the garden and not allow this to develop into an issue for you or that the front garden is untouchable x

saraclara · 09/07/2021 18:53

Talk to the gardener. It might be that he can arrange for your DC to get the water from elsewhere. Or even fill a bucket that your son can fill a
little can from. Given that he encouraged you, I'm sure he'd be sad for your boy and want to help.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 09/07/2021 18:53

So the problem is going near her windows.

I’m afraid I would feel the same.

I’m not saying you can’t use the garden but in my day I would have got telt for disturbing someone’s privacy/going next to their windows.

If you can go in the garden without going near her house then by all means do it.

But unless you can move the hose further afield….

It isn’t as thought you have to water the flowers.

I can see her point of view to be honest. I think her problem is that you are encroaching on her privacy by going too near her house when it isn’t at all necessary.

I’m still not getting how she has been very friendly etc up to now but has been a seething ball of resentment for a while.

No matter. At least you still have the back garden.

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