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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour or myself BU?

333 replies

NeighbourWoes · 07/07/2021 19:50

We live in a building of flats which have communal gardens front and back. The back is much bigger and more for recreational use and the front is more of a flower bed type garden but still a decent size. To get to the back garden we have to walk around a street and use a key so it's not very convenient. Myself, DH and DS (2) live on the third floor and since lockdown we got into the habit of watering the flowers in the front garden. This was initiated by the communal gardener who got DS a watering can etc.

We do it probably 4 or 5 times a week, for 10 minutes a time. DS likes to fill up the watering can from the hose pipe and it's a sedate activity where we enjoy looking at the flowers but by no means make much noise or anything like that.

The hosepipe is directly by one of the ground floor flats windows. This ground floor flat doesn't have direct access to the communal garden but their window from the kitchen/ living room looks out directly onto it. This flat is occupied by a single older lady in her late 70s and we have always had a bit of a chat and been very friendly and she chats about DS etc.

This morning DS and I were in the garden for approximately 10 minutes just after 8am. We thought no more of it. This evening as we were coming in the neighbour came out of her flat very angry and exasperated and said that this morning was ridiculous because she was trying to have her breakfast and look out of her window and we were "right there". (I did notice this morning that she shut her curtains as we came into the garden.) She asked us to stop playing in that part of the garden but from the off was quite aggressive. I said I didn't ever realise this was an issue at all and she barked "I'm telling you right now it is!" She said it was ridiculous that we were so close to her window.

The issue is that's where the hosepipe is for filling up the watering can plus all the plant pots. Previously she has always come out and thanked DS for watering her pots saying it saved her a job so I have no idea where this came from.

I said to her that I was sorry she was upset but it's a communal space and she was very agitated. DH then arrived home and asked what the problem was and she was shrieking a bit and he told her "it won't happen again", but I'm annoyed as it's not her right to tell her we can't use that part of the garden.

I walked away and got quite emotional because all during lockdown I've struggled living in a third floor flat with no private garden and this is one thing DS looks forward to each day and asks to do, and this previously friendly neighbour suddenly became hostile and has spoilt that for him.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Rillington · 08/07/2021 09:32

WHY HAVEN'T YOU ACKNOWLEDGED IT WAS THE TIME YOU WERE THERE???

Sorry for shouting but you haven't once admitted it was the time you were there that was the issue. It's not her issue you live in a third floor flat.

ForeverSausages · 08/07/2021 09:33

I think, solely, because of how she approached it (and really upset you) your neighbour is BU. You have no choice but to go near her window because that's where the tap is. I do agree that 8am is a bit early but it wouldn't have been hard for her to say that to you without throwing a tantrum. Please don't stop taking your son just because of this neighbour, but just leave it until 10am Flowers.

maddy68 · 08/07/2021 09:34

I would carry on but be considerate of time (8am is very early ) and noise. Be quiet outside someone's window she's entitled to a peaceful breakfast as much as you are entitled to use the garden

Original poster
NeighbourWoes · 08/07/2021 09:35

@Rillington she didn't say it was the time she wants us there none of the time, she made that clear.

She was awake and dressed and she said having her breakfast yesterday morning when she could see us from her window. She didn't say keep it to afternoons she said all times.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 08/07/2021 09:44

She didn't say keep it to afternoons she said all times.

She can’t have it to herself all times - it’s as simple as that. If she wanted a private garden then a ground floor flat with a communal garden was the wrong purchase.

Why not pop round, ask her if she has a minute to chat, and say you wanted to clear the air after yesterday. Explain that on reflection it was very early and you apologise, but that you do plan to use the communal garden, hope she understands that, and ask her to suggest things that would help you both come to a compromise. Something like that?

If she says she doesn’t want you using it at all then that’s not possible and you can both take it up with whoever manages the flats.

Atalune · 08/07/2021 09:50

She’s being very unreasonable.

I would keep doing it and maybe you could say to her- I’m really surprised that you’re upset by this as you’ve always given us a warm welcome into the communal space?

Also- in terms of her safety and well being it’s nice that you pop past her flat. You’re part of a community.

She may have been caught of guard and been upset about something else?

Keep doing the watering. Sounds so nice with your little boy.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/07/2021 09:57

that this morning was ridiculous because she was trying to have her breakfast and look out of her window and we were "right there". (I did notice this morning that she shut her curtains as we came into the garden.) She asked us to stop playing in that part of the garden but from the off was quite aggressive. I said I didn't ever realise this was an issue at all and she barked "I'm telling you right now it is!" She said it was ridiculous that we were so close to her window.

Fuckall about all times there.

She said trying to have her breakfast. Not breakfast lunch dinner and supper.

Also against the background of over a year with a toddler in a tiny third floor flat with this being one of the nicest activities he enjoys - it feels so selfish of her to sour that.

That isn’t her fault. And you are souring her peace early in the morning.

You go on about understanding etiquette.

No. No you don’t.

Nearly everyone has said go later.

But no no - it is all about what you want.

If anyone is souring neighbourly relations it is you.

Unless you are going to come up with another embellishment or deluge instead of a drip, go say sorry and ask her if there is a time you can water the flowers that won’t disturb her.

I suspect though your sense of entitlement to do what you want will bleed through and ruin that.

Clymene · 08/07/2021 10:01

Just don't go in the early morning! How bloody hard is that to do? Confused

Original poster
NeighbourWoes · 08/07/2021 10:06

Of course o could not go early in the morning - we only did that once so it's not something we would even want to do much. But her problem is with us being close to her window at any time. She didn't say in the mornings.

Why is everyone trying to make this a morning thing? I agree the morning could have been what triggered her outburst, but her issue is with us being there close to her window at any time.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 08/07/2021 10:10

Everyone is trying to make this a morning thing because early in the morning is the only time she complained! Why can't you see this?

Original poster
NeighbourWoes · 08/07/2021 10:11

I can see that's what triggered it. But she doesn't want us by the window at any time. I can only tell you what she said, I know if I go there this afternoon it's going to be very uncomfortable and she isn't going to be happy.

OP posts:
Jubilate · 08/07/2021 10:11

Regardless of what the OP was doing in the garden or what time she was doing it, the flat lady could have approached it so much better.

I think you need to have a sickeningly sweet chat with her OP. Tell her you are sorry she was so upset, and tell her you'll avoid certain times. Kill her with kindness and carry on.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 10:50

Not every green space is meant for child play. I'd have to see the size and layout to make a call. Surely there's a nearby park or playground that would be better for toddler than right outside someone's window?

Flowers500 · 08/07/2021 10:50

@NeighbourWoes

I can see that's what triggered it. But she doesn't want us by the window at any time. I can only tell you what she said, I know if I go there this afternoon it's going to be very uncomfortable and she isn't going to be happy.
You gave a detailed account of what happened, about how you do this regularly and this time when you did it in the morning she was upset. Now you claim you know for a fact (seemingly by kind reading) that time of day is irrelevant, despite her specifically mentioning how she was trying to eat breakfast. Can you not understand why everyone is reading this as the issue being antisocial times of day? You don’t want to BU, and send to be changing the story to suit.
ArthurApples · 08/07/2021 10:57

Why don't you get that having you right outside her windows 4-5 days out of 7 is intrusive to her? Have you never lived in flats before? You don't hang out in front of other people's windows. Starting to now say how hard it is for you to go up and downstairs to do this wholesome activity and how she has ruined it for you, as if you are a victim of a terrible injustice, you have created this. She's told you she doesn't like it, you can't appreciate how close you are, you've said you'll feel uncomfortable from now on, that's because she has tried to say no and you want to carry on pushing against a reasonable boundary she has laid down. You don't want to use the rest of the garden because she's ruined it for you? So you are sulking? But you want to carry on doing this one thing. YABU.

Rapunzel80 · 08/07/2021 11:03

YABU are you sure the front garden is definitely communal? It's not unusual for front gardens to be owned by ground floor flat.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/07/2021 11:08

In one sense I don't feel comfortable being in the garden any more because of the atmosphere, but also DS loves it and I don't want her to have "bullied" us out of it.

You're not being bullied ffs, even in speech marks. You're making a huge deal out of this and demonising a lady who has been pleasant and lovely except for ONE occasion where people were hanging around her window early in the morning.

Get over yourself, apologise, and be more considerate in future.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 11:25

@Rapunzel80

YABU are you sure the front garden is definitely communal? It's not unusual for front gardens to be owned by ground floor flat.

That would be an interesting turn of events.

saraclara · 08/07/2021 11:26

@Rapunzel80

YABU are you sure the front garden is definitely communal? It's not unusual for front gardens to be owned by ground floor flat.
If it wasn't communal, I doubt the gardener would have encouraged OP and her child to get involved in watering it.
Senorasurf · 08/07/2021 15:27

Ignore her and carry on enjoying watering the plants. If she wants her own personal land outside her window then she needs to move!

ChainJane · 08/07/2021 15:38

Neighbour: Please don't hang around by my window.
Me: No problem, sorry for disturbing you.

Simple as that!

crimsonlake · 08/07/2021 18:06

Despite many posts of advice you do not seem willing to bend or listen.
Yes, in this instance it was too early which I am surprised you gave no thought to. Obviously it triggered something in your elderly neighbour at the time.
Late 70's perhaps she is getting a little anxious, confused and may not remember the incident.
Since you seem to have no intention of stopping the watering, possibly offer an olive branch, buy some chocolates and go and apologise for the incident and see how the land lies. As I sais she may not even remember.
Alternatively just stop using the tap and carry a bottle of water down with you.

ArthurApples · 08/07/2021 18:45

I guess it depends how long its gone on, OP says since lockdown, so a year or so of being in the usually 'personal space' of a neighbour, almost daily, who is straw that broke the camel's back sick of it.
I'd love to read a reverse of this, someone's outside on my front everyday, right at my windows, watering plants that don't need watering, we live in flats with a shared garden but I'm ground floor and its right outside mine, like being in a shop window after years of mostly privacy. I made the mistake of saying that's nice dear, to her and her little child, but she's oblivious to how it makes me feel and today I finally had enough and shouted at her, I'd only just had my breakfast and there they were, again. AIBU?

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 19:08

I wish we could see an image of the building & gardens, or reasonable facsimile.

stellaisabella · 08/07/2021 19:24

If it's a communal garden, can you not get a couple little potted flowers for your son to water of his own, away from her window?
Fill the little can up in your sink, take him down to see to his plants. No one gets annoyed, no awkwardness.
You have every right to be in the garden but can see why she might find it uncomfortable under her window.