to feel pissed off that the rubbish has been left for me to deal with again?

[MoiraRoseForPresident]

A quick background - I do all of the housework; the hoovering, the dusting, the washing up, the cleaning of the bathroom, 99% of the laundry for myself, DH and our three young dc (all 4 and under), all of the cooking, the changing and making of our bed, the general maintenance of keeping our home looking tidy and nice, I'd be here all day listing everything, but if it’s housework related - you name it, I do it.

I’m the stay at home parent so I expect to do the lions share and I don’t have too much of an issue with that (I quite like cleaning and am generally a tidy person by nature, though occasionally not being the only one doing the washing up would be nice!), but the one thing I ask dh to do, is to put the bins out.

Yesterday afternoon, when he got in from work, I reminded him to sort out the recycling/cardboard that’s piling up in our garden (and is slowly turning to mulch due to the rain!) ready for collection this morning, he said he’d do it later in the evening.
We had dinner, got DC’s to bed, I watched some shows on the tablet while DH played some games, when he switched his game off, I again reminded him about the recycling. He said he’d sort it when he got up this morning.

He woke up late and has gone to work without putting a single thing out, so now it’s on me to deal with the soggy mountain of cardboard, the sacks full of nappies, our food bags etc, all on top of making breakfast for three dc/generally dealing with how chaotic and demanding mornings with young children are!

I know that putting the bins out isn’t a difficult task, nor am I under the impression that it’s a ‘mans’ job, but I’m irritated that it’s literally the ONE housework related thing that I ask him to do, and he keeps either waking up late and not doing it, or, waking up on time but completely forgetting to do it!

I really don’t ask for much help around the house, putting the bins out is my one weekly ‘expectation’ of DH, so when it doesn’t get done even after several reminders, it makes me think ‘why on earth should I have to do it when I do absolutely every other bloody thing in this house?!’.

I know it’s petty, but someone please tell me this would irk you, too!

Also, some pointers on how to raise this 'issue' with dh without sounding like a boring nag would be great. No one wants to get in to an argument over the poxy rubbish collection!

It's just in the evenings though is it?

He doesn't seem to do much at the weekends either?

So when do you actually get some leisure time to do NOTHING and when do you get time to just parent without the chores waiting for you to do them?

Equal leisure time is fair.

If he doesn't see looking after the DC as equal work then he needs a weekend or week looking after them solo and you just pop in to put one for them to bed and he has to do all the chores too...

@MoiraRoseForPresident
You don’t get it do you. They will become like him because you will let them and they will model themselves on him.

They won’t miraculously become great partners because you occasionally through their life tell them to do a little bit of tidying. And it’s not just the tidying, they will have as little respect for their partners as your partner does for you.

@AdobeWanKenobi

You really need to start standing up for yourself.

My bugbear was work shirts. He’d take them off by unbuttoning the top few buttons and pulling them over his head. I’d come to wash and find an inside out buttoned up shirt.
I asked him to not do that so many times I lost count. In the end I washed and ironed every shirt and rehung them fully buttoned and inside out. He finally felt some of my frustration as he tried to rotate and unbutton a shirt at 6am half asleep. Funnily enough they never appeared like that in the wash again.

It was sleeves rolled up here!! To be fair he does plenty round the house including laundry but if I was doing it I just left them rolled up and he got the hint!!

You need to stop giving a shit about being a “nag”.

That calls for, “you had ONE job, FFS!”

And then leave it. Except maybe the nappy bin! But the rest… leave it every time.

Does him having a motorbike restrict your life as a family in anyway? Sorry to keep banging on about it but for me it symbolises that he sees himself as a separate entity, an island, and it gives him a wonderful excuse not to do any of the grunt work which inevitably falls to you.

Are the online shops (writing the list, ordering the food, putting it away) really 50/50? Or does it make 'sense' for you to do it in the week as you are at home anyway? Which of course it makes sense for him but it must be a real pain in the arse having to do that on top of wrangling three under 5s.

Also, what about trips out as a family, hospital appointments, nursery runs etc? Anything really. I know not all households have or need a car but it sticks out to me that he has this mode of transport that is not suited to ferrying about small children but instead keeps his independence.

@CanofCant shopping is done online by me - I make the list, book the slot, take in the shopping and pack it away.

With the bike - he got it so he could get to work more quickly and also, save on money. He used to get the train and it was costing a small fortune every month, so much so that having the motorbike is actually saving us money now.

It doesn't impact me too much, I've never driven/we've never had a car - so nursery drop offs/pick ups, doctors appts etc have always been done on foot. Days out aren't too much of an issue, we're lucky to live in area where there's so much to do, so we can just walk to the places, or failing that, get on the bus for five minutes and we're right where everything is.

That's good to hear. I'm looking at it from the point of view of a driver but it seems to work for you.

I stand by everything else though.

People arent suggesting that you make your young children do housework now. People are suggesting that what children see their parents do becomes the blueprint for how they live their lives when they are older, no matter what their parents make them do. For instance there are often threads on here from people married to an alcoholic, who had an alcoholic parent, even though they are not alcoholics themselves. So while you might get your children to do housework when they are older, they are likely to subconsciously or not believe it is a womans role and end up expecting the women in their lives to run around after them when they are older

How much house work did he do pre kids?

And yes re the kids. They may do stuff now but will see it as ‘why should I when dad doesn’t’ when they get older.

They need to see good practice.

We don’t even have his/her jobs as we both pitch in.

Though we tend to do what the other doesn’t like - eg I don’t Hoover as I hate it.
DH rarely washes dishes as he hates it but will load the dishwasher.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

People arent suggesting that you make your young children do housework now. People are suggesting that what children see their parents do becomes the blueprint for how they live their lives when they are older, no matter what their parents make them do. For instance there are often threads on here from people married to an alcoholic, who had an alcoholic parent, even though they are not alcoholics themselves. So while you might get your children to do housework when they are older, they are likely to subconsciously or not believe it is a womans role and end up expecting the women in their lives to run around after them when they are older

This.

You will model relationship dynamics and attitudes towards issues like this for your daughters and for your sons by what you and your husband do (or don’t do) rather than what you later try to tell them or teach them.

@Jellyred

How much house work did he do pre kids?

And yes re the kids. They may do stuff now but will see it as ‘why should I when dad doesn’t’ when they get older.

They need to see good practice.

We don’t even have his/her jobs as we both pitch in.

Though we tend to do what the other doesn’t like - eg I don’t Hoover as I hate it.
DH rarely washes dishes as he hates it but will load the dishwasher.

Pre kids he actually did almost all of the laundry! He'd occasionally make the bed, not often, but a hell of a lot more often than now. He cooked a lot more too, he always used to be the far better cook than me, but I'd argue we're pretty even now due to the fact the cooking has fallen on me to do for the last four and a half years. He also washed up back then, that was split pretty 50/50!

I'm not sure what's changed tbh.

What’s changes is that you started doing servant of the household duties and underplaying your own worth and the work you do. Which suits him just fine (as it does many, many men). It’s a rut that be extremely difficult to get out of so it needs adjusting now.

He is ‘helping’ when he does parenting duties such as putting his children to bed. And you are not the household servant.

He can cook, so he should be cooking some of the time. He can clean and tidy and do household chores just as well as you can. He doesn’t get out of that just because he has an ‘important man job’.

And most importantly, leisure time without responsibility for children should be equal for both parents.

*changed

And it’s meant to say he ISN’T ‘helping’ when he parents his own children!

I’d stop everything cooking and washing up after dinner, explain until he can do his one fucking job when he gets home every night he can cook for the family, and clean up after. For a week and then you can remind him he does almost nothing around the house and does he think he can take the bins out , or do we need an overall more fair distribution of chores?

This really. ^

I used to have someone who forgot/would do it later/had one job he didn’t do.

I don’t now.

It as for another reason but I should have known really it was coming. His lack of regard for me and what I did should have given me a wake up call.

Some men do change after kids. He knows you will pick up the slack now that you have to. You aren't prepared to let your children live in filth even though he is.

Yeah. My xh totally forgot to mention that he was going to turn into an vile bastard once our children were here. Funnily enough Women's Aid explained that the perpetrators of domestic abuse dont explain this to you when they meet you.

I’d leave them next time and say that as you missed the bin collection he’ll just need to take the lot to the dump.

Since you already did it on top of your own fair share, allocate him a task from your own list of chores to compensate. Why should you do every bloody thing while he does nothing?!

So even pre kids you were his maid.
Honestly you made this bed. I don’t think you can get out of it, unless you both have a personality transplant. That’s probably why he’s happy being with you. Anyone else would have dumped him at the first sign of being a misogynistic twat.
And it is misogynistic. It’s not “blindness of mess” cooking dinner isn’t “mess”

You need to put your foot down op! I wouldn’t stand for this shit…and stop making excuses for him 🙄

@Taliskerskye

So even pre kids you were his maid. Honestly you made this bed. I don’t think you can get out of it, unless you both have a personality transplant. That’s probably why he’s happy being with you. Anyone else would have dumped him at the first sign of being a misogynistic twat. And it is misogynistic. It’s not “blindness of mess” cooking dinner isn’t “mess”

I said that pre-kids he cooked more than I did, did virtually all of the laundry, and the washing up was split roughly 50/50, so I don't know how that made me his maid?

It's definitely been since having the DC's and me being at home all the time that the housework balance has dramatically shifted

Leave the bins to overflow, let it be one his problem. You are enabling him to turn a blind eye when he doesn't fancy sorting the bins out.

Nothing to add to PPs other than, you must address this now if you are planning going back to work in the future. Otherwise it will be totally ingrained and you will be on your knees working and doing everything else.

Do it for your future self ... it's like exercising or being on a diet, some temporary current discomfort for a better future

I might be willing to agree it's your job during the week... but what's his excuse at weekends?