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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel pissed off that the rubbish has been left for me to deal with again?

177 replies

MoiraRoseForPresident · 07/07/2021 08:25

A quick background - I do all of the housework; the hoovering, the dusting, the washing up, the cleaning of the bathroom, 99% of the laundry for myself, DH and our three young dc (all 4 and under), all of the cooking, the changing and making of our bed, the general maintenance of keeping our home looking tidy and nice, I'd be here all day listing everything, but if it’s housework related - you name it, I do it.

I’m the stay at home parent so I expect to do the lions share and I don’t have too much of an issue with that (I quite like cleaning and am generally a tidy person by nature, though occasionally not being the only one doing the washing up would be nice!), but the one thing I ask dh to do, is to put the bins out.

Yesterday afternoon, when he got in from work, I reminded him to sort out the recycling/cardboard that’s piling up in our garden (and is slowly turning to mulch due to the rain!) ready for collection this morning, he said he’d do it later in the evening.
We had dinner, got DC’s to bed, I watched some shows on the tablet while DH played some games, when he switched his game off, I again reminded him about the recycling. He said he’d sort it when he got up this morning.

He woke up late and has gone to work without putting a single thing out, so now it’s on me to deal with the soggy mountain of cardboard, the sacks full of nappies, our food bags etc, all on top of making breakfast for three dc/generally dealing with how chaotic and demanding mornings with young children are!

I know that putting the bins out isn’t a difficult task, nor am I under the impression that it’s a ‘mans’ job, but I’m irritated that it’s literally the ONE housework related thing that I ask him to do, and he keeps either waking up late and not doing it, or, waking up on time but completely forgetting to do it!

I really don’t ask for much help around the house, putting the bins out is my one weekly ‘expectation’ of DH, so when it doesn’t get done even after several reminders, it makes me think ‘why on earth should I have to do it when I do absolutely every other bloody thing in this house?!’.

I know it’s petty, but someone please tell me this would irk you, too!

Also, some pointers on how to raise this 'issue' with dh without sounding like a boring nag would be great. No one wants to get in to an argument over the poxy rubbish collection!

OP posts:
SmokeyDevil · 07/07/2021 09:38

When he makes an excuse of 'ill do it later', just say 'no do it now because you'll forget'.

If he still won't do it, put all the rubbish into the boot of his car. When he complains, tell him that he was so useless at one job, you had to make a point about it. Even he isn't so stupid as to not notice a smell in his car, I'd hope.

wizzywig · 07/07/2021 09:38

Find out what is very important to him that you do. Like, ironing shirts/ washing his clothes. Stop doing that until he starts doing his task

JonahofArk · 07/07/2021 09:38

Leave it-I'm assuming he can drive? If so, he can take the lot to his nearest recycling centre in the car. Don't let him off and don't do it for him.

Oh, and stop doing everything else while you're at it. Being a SAHM does not mean you are his maid.

MoiraRoseForPresident · 07/07/2021 09:40

@JonahofArk

Leave it-I'm assuming he can drive? If so, he can take the lot to his nearest recycling centre in the car. Don't let him off and don't do it for him.

Oh, and stop doing everything else while you're at it. Being a SAHM does not mean you are his maid.

He has a motorbike, so while all the comments about 'he can take it to the recycling centre' are great, that unfortunately can't happen, and is why I always put out what bits I can, as I know there's nothing else that can be done about them!

I missed the cardboard recycling lorry this morning though, so that's even more cardboard added to our garden!

OP posts:
MoiraRoseForPresident · 07/07/2021 09:41

@NewlyGranny

Show him this. And there are more!

We've actually watched this video together before, we both found it highly amusing, however, it is very much my life!
OP posts:
MoiraRoseForPresident · 07/07/2021 09:42

Sympathies @Effsee, it's incredibly irritating isn't it! When you do everything else, it doesn't seem like too much to ask to have the other person do one task, once a week, does it?

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 07/07/2021 09:43

Leave the cardboard
In fact don’t put the cardboard outside(it will only get manky) leave it where you have to step over it in the house.
It might drive you mad but he will have to take it to the bins in order to get in the house otherwise the house will be overflowing with cardboard

Also get a dishwasher

timeisnotaline · 07/07/2021 09:45

I’d stop everything cooking and washing up after dinner, explain until he can do his one fucking job when he gets home every night he can cook for the family, and clean up after. For a week and then you can remind him he does almost nothing around the house and does he think he can take the bins out , or do we need an overall more fair distribution of chores?

CanofCant · 07/07/2021 09:47

He has a motorbike, does that leave him exempt from any 'family tasks' such as doing the big food shop, taking recycling to the tip?

He's basically doing his own thing separate from you, I would be really angry. I wouldn't be laughing along with him at that video.

I definitely am on your side with this and think YANBU but nothing will change unless you take action. If you are happy plodding along with it then fine but can you really take another 15 years or so of being ground down and disrespected like this?

TubeOfSmarties · 07/07/2021 09:47

Childcare of three children under 5 is a full time job in itself. Not only does he need to sort the rubbish out, but he needs to chip in more to cleaning up after himself and his children.

Beachcomber · 07/07/2021 09:47

I would have a one off conversation with him. Say that you will no longer remind him about doing the bins. It is entirely his responsibility. So maybe he should put a reminder on his phone if he finds it hard to remember.

Tell him that you are disengaging totally from this ONE household chore. And that you do all the rest so he is pathetic, immature and selfish if he won't take ownership of this one thing.

Then stick to your word and even if it is difficult, have nothing to do with the bins. If it builds up do nothing. Ignore and he will have to do it.

I'd stop having anything to do with his laundry too.

pilates · 07/07/2021 09:50

You need to sit down with him of an evening when the kids are in bed and say I can’t continue with the way things are and you need to help out more. It is not sustainable and you will burn yourself out.

notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 09:52

OP, I wonder what you were wanting from this thread? I suspect that a year from now, nothing will have changed, as you seem disinclined to take action to improve the situation

Hont1986 · 07/07/2021 09:54

I think you should have done it tbh. He's working almost 50 hour weeks and you're at home all day. Just seems simpler. If you were talking about something that could be done on a weekend my answer would be different.

Iggi999 · 07/07/2021 09:54

He should do the dishes if you cook. He should cook sometimes himself. He should put his washing in the basket, if not the machine. You are not asking for enough, and he's taking the piss at even that. Every one of your sons will grow up copying the role they see their father play, not the role that you play. Imagine when they are all teenagers, and no one lifts a finger except you.

TheDevils · 07/07/2021 09:56

We've actually watched this video together before, we both found it highly amusing, however, it is very much my life!

This suggests you have no inclination to change things.

SummerOfComedy · 07/07/2021 09:58

I always had to remind DH to put the rubbish out.

Then one week he told me to 'stop nagging! I'll do it now!' He didn't do it, but I stopped 'nagging'.

We went to bed that night and I didn't say another word about it.

Next morning, he's about to take the dog out and I heard him running around trying to sort everything out. (Bin men come at 7).

I lay laughing to myself in my cosy bed.

He doesn't need reminding anymore.
😀

AdobeWanKenobi · 07/07/2021 09:58

You really need to start standing up for yourself.

My bugbear was work shirts. He’d take them off by unbuttoning the top few buttons and pulling them over his head. I’d come to wash and find an inside out buttoned up shirt.
I asked him to not do that so many times I lost count. In the end I washed and ironed every shirt and rehung them fully buttoned and inside out. He finally felt some of my frustration as he tried to rotate and unbutton a shirt at 6am half asleep. Funnily enough they never appeared like that in the wash again.

Jellyred · 07/07/2021 10:00

He is taking the piss.

You both need to have a conversation. ‘I need to talk to you about the balance of house/childcare as it’s uneven and I’m exhausted’.

I do wonder how much men who like to be waited on hand and foot actually care for their wives.

coodawoodashooda · 07/07/2021 10:00

I had one of them. Leave him. I don't believe he slept in by accident.

pilates · 07/07/2021 10:00

And how can you find that video amusing ? 🤨

CanofCant · 07/07/2021 10:02

If you want things to change you need to stop making life so easy and comfortable for him. Why are you doing 'everything' for someone who can't even be arsed to do one thing for you?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2021 10:02

OP I really dont think you're taking this seriously enough!

He doesnt care about mess and genuinely forgets? So he would honestly wait til he had zero clean clothes if he was living by himself and then what? Go into work naked? Turn things inside out? Start to smell?

And you say "After he's been at work all day, he just wants to relax in the evening, which I do understand." The whole of the rest of the world feel like that and guess what, most people manage to come back from work and cook for themselves, wash up after themselves, tidy something away. Why isnt he showing you the same level of understanding that, especially so over the last 18 months, looking after young children is hard and you feel like you need a break?

Why are you making so many excuses for him? Even if he was working insane hours in a stressful job, why doesn't he do stuff at the weekend when he has caught up on sleep? Why don't you get time off?

Honestly you seem pretty relaxed about it now but I can see the resentment building until you lose all respect for your lazy selfish husband unless something changes now. Your children will copy him and think you're their unpaid maid and you will be picking up after 4 people.

And if his attitude doesnt change what do you think will happen when you go back to work? You will be doing everything at home with much less time to get it done

NeverTrustaRabbit · 07/07/2021 10:04

@Hont1986

I think you should have done it tbh. He's working almost 50 hour weeks and you're at home all day. Just seems simpler. If you were talking about something that could be done on a weekend my answer would be different.
Really can't believe I just read that! How many hours a week is the OP working? My guess is that is more than 50!

Do you think you should pick up tasks your colleagues should have done but don't because they are lazy/actively chose not too?

However, I do agree with a PP that it's unclear exactly what the OP wants from this thread and that nothing is going to change. The OP needs to stop enabling this pathetic manchild behaviour - a conversation is needed where both sides are honest about their expectations of each other's work life balance and how it and how it can be equalised going forward.

summerishere1 · 07/07/2021 10:04

It amazes me that people don’t talk about things like this before having children, let alone 3 children.

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