to feel pissed off that the rubbish has been left for me to deal with again?

[MoiraRoseForPresident]

A quick background - I do all of the housework; the hoovering, the dusting, the washing up, the cleaning of the bathroom, 99% of the laundry for myself, DH and our three young dc (all 4 and under), all of the cooking, the changing and making of our bed, the general maintenance of keeping our home looking tidy and nice, I'd be here all day listing everything, but if it’s housework related - you name it, I do it.

I’m the stay at home parent so I expect to do the lions share and I don’t have too much of an issue with that (I quite like cleaning and am generally a tidy person by nature, though occasionally not being the only one doing the washing up would be nice!), but the one thing I ask dh to do, is to put the bins out.

Yesterday afternoon, when he got in from work, I reminded him to sort out the recycling/cardboard that’s piling up in our garden (and is slowly turning to mulch due to the rain!) ready for collection this morning, he said he’d do it later in the evening.
We had dinner, got DC’s to bed, I watched some shows on the tablet while DH played some games, when he switched his game off, I again reminded him about the recycling. He said he’d sort it when he got up this morning.

He woke up late and has gone to work without putting a single thing out, so now it’s on me to deal with the soggy mountain of cardboard, the sacks full of nappies, our food bags etc, all on top of making breakfast for three dc/generally dealing with how chaotic and demanding mornings with young children are!

I know that putting the bins out isn’t a difficult task, nor am I under the impression that it’s a ‘mans’ job, but I’m irritated that it’s literally the ONE housework related thing that I ask him to do, and he keeps either waking up late and not doing it, or, waking up on time but completely forgetting to do it!

I really don’t ask for much help around the house, putting the bins out is my one weekly ‘expectation’ of DH, so when it doesn’t get done even after several reminders, it makes me think ‘why on earth should I have to do it when I do absolutely every other bloody thing in this house?!’.

I know it’s petty, but someone please tell me this would irk you, too!

Also, some pointers on how to raise this 'issue' with dh without sounding like a boring nag would be great. No one wants to get in to an argument over the poxy rubbish collection!

Your lazy 'D'H gives me the rage OP.

In response to your original question I'd have taken a photo of all the rubbish and recycling and then texted it to my DH with a "are you FUCKING JOKING"

But honestly this is the least of your problems. I don't understand how you can bear to have sex with someone so selfish and lazy. He doesn't even wash up?

In our house we sit down at the same time each evening. So if I'm still doing bedtime then DH cleans/hoovers/shoves washing in the dryer. It's called a partnership.

You need to sit him down and explain to him that him not doing this one job is causing you real upset, because it shows his complete lack of respect for you (which it does). He cares so little that he is adding more work and stress to you, creating unnecessary mess etc, when the job would take him five minutes - this suggests he doesn’t love you enough to spend five minutes doing a job.

I cannot believe there are people on here saying stuff like “he doesn’t see the mess”. Of course he does, he just doesn’t care about it. I also don’t care about mess, recycling in the kitchen etc. But I know my wife does. My wife who does so much for me and our family. I do jobs that I don’t really care if they are done or not (including bins and recycling funnily enough) because I love her and I respect her. I’m capable of remembering that they need doing because I love her and I respect her.

Not doing these basic jobs is a choice. They make this choice because they can, and because they just don’t care enough about their partner’s wellbeing - or respect them enough - to make the effort to remember.

Honestly these are the stories that end with the bloke going cycling all day every Sunday when the kids are older, and then a few years later in an affair. And the justification will be “well you never had any time for me” or “you were too focused on the kids” or “you became boring”. Time to nip it in the bud. Sit him down and have a basic discussion about respect in a relationship.

It's sad that Ariel clearly felt the need to have to put out an advertisement like this but they did:

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

It's that he doesn't care that you care about things like this.
Not that he doesn't see the clutter or that he doesn't remember.
Just because you have a uterus doesn't give you superpowers to remember to put the bins out, or tidy up after yourself.

You need to rock the boat so that the situation can improve for you.

Why are people so focused on the cardboard?! That's a non issue here! The bigger picture is he sees you as his housemaid not his partner.

He didn't forget about the huge pile of clothes next to his bed, how could he?! He gets home before 5 every day and does nothing to help?

When will women stop doing what is expected of us! Why are you ironing your partners shirts for him (not you specifically, just in general)

I remember when I was about 15 my mum said I needed to learn how to iron shirts as I wouldn't want my husband going to work in a creased shirt! I vowed from that day that I wouldn't do it and the only time I ever have is if I'be offered, and that's been a handful of times in 9 years!

For me, with DC3, it's a breastfeed, some rocking, then sitting in the room while baby falls asleep. I mentioned up the thread that he's usually done with DC1 and 2 a good 45 mins before Im done with DC3, when I come back down, he's normally on his phone, or watching tv.

So why isn’t he tidying and washing up before you get down? Why are you letting him behave this way? I would lose my shit

@Shamoo it's less that I 'care' about the bins, and more that they're something that HAVE to be done. Toys on the floor can arguably be ignored, washing up could potentially be left for an extra day, that washing in the machine could maybe have another spin cycle, but if you don't put rubbish out, your screwed for another week!

Also, about the 'not seeing the mess' - I'd argue that some of it he sees, and some of it he truly doesn't. The mess that he does see, you're right, he doesn't care about it. He's ok with living in a slightly messy and untidy home, whereas he knows that I'm not.
For example - it irks me when toothbrushes aren't put back in the holder, or when shampoo bottles are left teetering on the edge of the bath, as opposed to being put back in the cupboard. If he was to walk in to the bathroom, his brain wouldn't recognise that there are things in there that are out of place, so he doesn't think to spend 30 seconds putting a few bits back in their 'homes'. But, it's because he's like this that I then feel as though as I'm spending so much time picking up after everyone. So if he then 'forgets' to put the bins out, it's like the cherry on the cake for me.

@SinkGirl

For me, with DC3, it's a breastfeed, some rocking, then sitting in the room while baby falls asleep. I mentioned up the thread that he's usually done with DC1 and 2 a good 45 mins before Im done with DC3, when I come back down, he's normally on his phone, or watching tv.

So why isn’t he tidying and washing up before you get down? Why are you letting him behave this way? I would lose my shit

I think it's mostly because he's had to deal with dc as well, it's not as though he's come in from work, ate dinner then done nothing at all. He still helps out at bedtime, so given that he does that, I then feel bad coming down and expecting him to be doing other things too.

For what it's worth, if I ask him to help me pack away the DC's toys, he will happily come and lend a hand, he doesn't ever say no, he just won't come down and do it of his own accord

But you’re still doing stuff. How can he sit there on his phone surrounded by mess and then sit there while you tidy around him?

If he put them to bed and did the dishes he would still have time on his phone before you come downstairs.

Actually you need to stop feeling guilty and TELL him, after you've put DC to bed you need to go wash the dishes and then starting tidying up X I will help once I've finished putting DC3 to bed.

We have 3DC now, you HAVE to do your share of clearing up and tidying.

"It's less that I 'care' about the bins, and more that they're something that HAVE to be done."

Because you are behaving like a capable and responsible adult. So why is it okay that he doesn't?

Do you have a family car to use and the motorbike is his? Does that mean he doesn't do the food shop or tip run or anything that benefits you like I previously asked? Or is his motorbike that only vehicle owned and you have to do online food shopping?

I don't think his actions are deliberate, as in, I don't think he leaves things laying around or doesn't put the bins out to spite me, I think it's a case of 1) he doesn't care about mess and 2) genuinely forgets

Course he doesn’t forget, he only has one job how could he? He doesn’t care because he knows you’ll do it.
You either have the hard conversation with him AND follow through, or grumble a bit and then get on with it. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t need to.

@CanofCant

"It's less that I 'care' about the bins, and more that they're something that HAVE to be done."

Because you are behaving like a capable and responsible adult. So why is it okay that he doesn't?

Do you have a family car to use and the motorbike is his? Does that mean he doesn't do the food shop or tip run or anything that benefits you like I previously asked? Or is his motorbike that only vehicle owned and you have to do online food shopping?

I don't drive, he only has the motorbike. All food shopping is done online apart from the occasional milk/bread top up which will be done by either one of us.

@RandomMess

Actually you need to stop feeling guilty and TELL him, after you've put DC to bed you need to go wash the dishes and then starting tidying up X I will help once I've finished putting DC3 to bed.

We have 3DC now, you HAVE to do your share of clearing up and tidying.

I definitely struggle with being assertive, but you're right, I think I need to say something along the lines of this.

I certainty don't expect him to do a full day of work, come home, get DC's to bed then spend his whole evening doing housework - and I've said this to him in the past, but I do on some level expect at least a little help. Even if it's just in the form of wiping down the dinner table and the kitchen counters. I'll never ask for much from him when it comes to housework, as like I said in my OP, I'm the SAHP, so the lions share is on me, I wouldn't ask for him to meet me 50/50 where housework is concerned as I don't think that would be fair. But, a bit of help here and there wouldn't go amiss.

And the bins.

Remembering the bloody bins!

[quote LookItsMeAgain]It's sad that Ariel clearly felt the need to have to put out an advertisement like this but they did:

[/quote] That's such a great advert

Skiptheheartsandflowerswe eat at the same time as DC's (around 5/5:30) so if I don't get the washing up done during the day, I'd have no pots or pans to use. Leaving it for him to do when he gets in, would mean the DC's eating very late. I wish that tactic was an option, believe me.

I know you don't want your kids to be disadvantaged by this. But they already are because of the imbalance in the house where you're the frazzled person doing everything. It's worth an evening of 'oh dear, no way to cook tea till the washing up is done, DH that was your job from yesterday' to put some consequences in place.

If the only person you're willing to inconvenience here is yourself, nothing will change.

You should be having equal leisure time.

Presumably you get none or very little whilst he is commuting and working or at the weekend.

If he deserves to put his feet up why don't you????

Imagine asking for the bare minimum and him not being arsed enough to do that?

My SIL draws up a to-do list for her DH, she told me if she didn't it wouldn't get done, (for maintenance/decorating purposes only with her DH, not general housework as he automatically does what's needed).

Could you try this op?

Go nuclear.

Tell him not to come home tonight, he is no longer welcome in a house where he cannot do his paltry contribution of the necessary housework.

Say you're not prepared for your DC to grow up in an environment where women are slaves to men, it is completely unacceptable, you shouldn't have to remind him to do a task multiple times, be fobbed off with excuses and then left to do it yourself in top of your already over-flowing workload.

Seriously, draw a line in the sand now and tell him to fuck off, your life will be considerably easier without him.

What is the point of him? Honestly, aside from money he contributes NOTHING to your life and the running of your home.

Split up, let him have the kids 50/50, do his own housework and you can go back to work, you life will be so much more pleasant.

He’s not ‘helping’ you. He's parenting his children, contributing to the smooth running of his own house.

I haven’t RTFT because I’m too angry on your behalf. What a useless man.

If you can’t rely on him for this then trade it for something else that you don’t want to do. He does the washing up every single night, for example.

Why on earth are you doing all the housework cooking and washing up when you have three very young children to look after?? Why would he not do his fair share at home??

@MoiraRoseForPresident
Do you have daughters? Would you want them to end up in a relationship with someone like your husband? Who seems to do nothing in the home?
Or if you have a son - will he be a lazy twat like is dad?

We have the same arrangement, DH is in charge of waste disposal.

He often neglects this, so my reward is putting all the damp soggy cardboard into his car for him to take to the recycling bank. Preferably on a day when he wants to play golf and his kit won't fit in the boot.

Actions have consequences in our house.