to feel pissed off that the rubbish has been left for me to deal with again?

[MoiraRoseForPresident]

A quick background - I do all of the housework; the hoovering, the dusting, the washing up, the cleaning of the bathroom, 99% of the laundry for myself, DH and our three young dc (all 4 and under), all of the cooking, the changing and making of our bed, the general maintenance of keeping our home looking tidy and nice, I'd be here all day listing everything, but if it’s housework related - you name it, I do it.

I’m the stay at home parent so I expect to do the lions share and I don’t have too much of an issue with that (I quite like cleaning and am generally a tidy person by nature, though occasionally not being the only one doing the washing up would be nice!), but the one thing I ask dh to do, is to put the bins out.

Yesterday afternoon, when he got in from work, I reminded him to sort out the recycling/cardboard that’s piling up in our garden (and is slowly turning to mulch due to the rain!) ready for collection this morning, he said he’d do it later in the evening.
We had dinner, got DC’s to bed, I watched some shows on the tablet while DH played some games, when he switched his game off, I again reminded him about the recycling. He said he’d sort it when he got up this morning.

He woke up late and has gone to work without putting a single thing out, so now it’s on me to deal with the soggy mountain of cardboard, the sacks full of nappies, our food bags etc, all on top of making breakfast for three dc/generally dealing with how chaotic and demanding mornings with young children are!

I know that putting the bins out isn’t a difficult task, nor am I under the impression that it’s a ‘mans’ job, but I’m irritated that it’s literally the ONE housework related thing that I ask him to do, and he keeps either waking up late and not doing it, or, waking up on time but completely forgetting to do it!

I really don’t ask for much help around the house, putting the bins out is my one weekly ‘expectation’ of DH, so when it doesn’t get done even after several reminders, it makes me think ‘why on earth should I have to do it when I do absolutely every other bloody thing in this house?!’.

I know it’s petty, but someone please tell me this would irk you, too!

Also, some pointers on how to raise this 'issue' with dh without sounding like a boring nag would be great. No one wants to get in to an argument over the poxy rubbish collection!

Pile the cardboard up and around his stupid motorbike, then he HAS to do something with it.

@summerishere1

It amazes me that people don’t talk about things like this before having children, let alone 3 children.

Wow! How helpful. Are you always this smug or is today a special day?

Also the nappies will be infested with flies and worms if you leave it during summer. But it honestly doesn’t sound like you are irritated enough to change anything.

I would bet that he hasn't forgotten. He just can't be bothered to do it and knows you'll do it if he doesn't. He's not going to say that to you though.

Regarding the video - I just found it amusing. It's a funny video, it's comedy, whether it draws similarities to my own life is neither here nor there, it's still a comedy sketch!

And regarding the thread itself, I guess I wanted to 1) check to see if I was being petty, and 2) gauge how to approach the topic if it came about that I wasn't BU to be annoyed.

I have, in the past, attempted the whole 'I won't be doing the washing up' 'I won't be doing the laundry' spiel, but all that happens is I wind up not having clean plates and cutlery to give the DC's, and the bedroom becomes a bomb site, drives me insane so I do the laundry in the end because I hate mess!

I feel like I need another tactic besides 'just don't do anything' because that doesn't seem to work, and all it does is gives me a headache living amongst mess/jobs that need doing

@CrazyCatsAndKittens do you not think it is important to talk about how you want your own future to be? It has got nothing to do with being smug.

@summerishere1

Also the nappies will be infested with flies and worms if you leave it during summer. But it honestly doesn’t sound like you are irritated enough to change anything.

The nappies are in a bin liner, then placed in a sealed bin, they're not left for weeks on end, if he 'misses' the rubbish collection, I put the nappy bins out. Well, I put all the rubbish out.

Of a weekend, it's still me doing everything. He rarely cooks, it's still usually me doing laundry (but he will occasionally wash the DC's bits), it's me doing the washing up and so on and so forth.

So what does he actually do at weekends? His life sounds like a dream!

You really need to start saying, in response to 'I'll do it later' 'No, you've said that before and it keeps being left for me to do. I'd like you to do it now please'. Stand there and wait till he gets up.

After he's been at work all day, he just wants to relax in the evening, which I do understand
You're working all day looking after three small children. When do you get to relax?

Start reassigning jobs now. For example, if you're cooking every night, he can wash up every night while you're doing bedtime. If he doesn't do it,you leave it (you've got to do this, at least once) and when he gets home the next day say 'you'll need to wash up before I can cook, otherwise there will be no food tonight'.

This is becoming a very long thread for no good reason. OP doesn't want to hear anyone's opinions or suggestions it seems. She prefers being a martyr.

I would have been having huge stand up arguments about my partner's laziness years before it got to this point. I don't see why that's not an option.

You both need to find a better solution to managing the huge amounts of cardboard. Why can't you flatten the boxes as they arrive and store them in a shed/garage/cupboard under stairs - somewhere like that?

I feel like I need another tactic besides 'just don't do anything' because that doesn't seem to work, and all it does is gives me a headache living amongst mess/jobs that need doing

Ok, so you need to get more assertive with him. At the moment he gets away with all this with no grief from you. What incentive does he have to change his easy life?

When you've been married as long as me (23 years, been together 27 years) you'll come to realise that people don't do things they don't want to do, because they know you'll get fed up and do it yourself.

Put an end to this now, stop being his skivvy, tell him if he wants his mother to do things for him he can go and live with her. Point out if he has time to play games, he has 10 minutes to sort the bins, and it needs doing now, not later. Also tell him if it doesn't get sorted you'll be paying for a man with a van to remove it for you, and will be doing so on a regular basis until he takes some responsibility. The thought of paying someone else to come and do their 'job' usually lights the rocket under their backside to get it done.

Don't make excuses for him, and tell him to get off his arse and help, it's his house too.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

This is becoming a very long thread for no good reason. OP doesn't want to hear anyone's opinions or suggestions it seems. She prefers being a martyr.

I would have been having huge stand up arguments about my partner's laziness years before it got to this point. I don't see why that's not an option.

You both need to find a better solution to managing the huge amounts of cardboard. Why can't you flatten the boxes as they arrive and store them in a shed/garage/cupboard under stairs - somewhere like that?

We haven't been living in this house long, so the vast quantities of cardboard atm are from furniture deliveries and the like. Once we're more settled, the deliveries will die down as will our heaps of cardboard!

Because we haven't been here long (less than two months), we don't have a shed yet, and the front garden doesn't have a garage. Our house has no roof, so the cupboard under our stairs is being used as storage for a lot of things.

I have picked a job for DH that is not time sensitive. The bins have to be put out otherwise they won’t be collected for another 2 weeks - nightmare!

DH does the bathroom so if it isn’t done it’s not a big deal - he can do it tomorrow.

You live in a house with no roof?

So he wasn't a lazy shite in your old house then?

@Skiptheheartsandflowers we eat at the same time as DC's (around 5/5:30) so if I don't get the washing up done during the day, I'd have no pots or pans to use. Leaving it for him to do when he gets in, would mean the DC's eating very late. I wish that tactic was an option, believe me.

I am of the opinion that whoever cooks, shouldn't have to do the dishes, but as I've said before, once DC's are in bed, dh doesn't do housework. I don't copious amounts in the evenings either. Once I've got DC3 to sleep, I'll usually tidy away toys, have a quick tidy up of the lounge/dining area - but that's about it. Once I've done that, I just want to sit down too, so I tend to leave the washing up until the morning.

You don't have to go on strike - you can have a discussion about it.

Pre DC my DH and I always did housework equally. If one was a bit busier for a time (studying, football tournament, festival, due on) then the other took the slack quite happily.

Post DC not much had changed.

Eg yesterday, DH came in to me and toddler both looking tired. He was tired himself but cooked dinner as ‘I’m on my feet anyway, you look tired and you cooked yest’.

Leaving your partner to do all the graft really shows that you don’t give a shit about them.

Also he isn’t a mind reader, hence the need to have a chat about how you feel.

@Womendohavevaginasnick

You live in a house with no roof?

Haha, sorry, no loft!! It's a flat roofed house!

Other tactics -
Sit down and tell him how you feel taken for granted and disrespected and you are worried this will ultimately lead to you resenting him and the breakdown of your marriage

Suggest marriage counselling given you telling him how you feel and asking nicely and going on strike hasnt helped, maybe a third party can help

Tell him what the problem is and ask him to work on a solution for it together. Eg if he says he will just remember keep saying but how, you usually forget, what practical steps can we take to help you remember.

Sit down and count the hours that you work with the kids and housework then the hours that he works with commuting, work, and kids, and ask him what you can both do to make it fairer.

Tell him you are going to go back to work and become financially independent and then you can outsource some stuff and if he doesnt do his share of what's left you will leave.

If it honestly drives you mad seeing his clothes and mess everywhere, buy a big storage bin or box. Put all his shit that he doesnt wash or tidy in there, near his side of the bed. Just go on strike but clear it away so you dont have to look at it.

Buy paper plates and bamboo cutlery and paper cups. Or just wash up stuff for you and the kids if you cant face that. When the washing up piles up, again buy a big plastic bin, stick it all in there so you can get to the sink, and use the picnic disposable stuff instead. Take the kids out to the park straight after school then eat at a cafe or something sometimes if it gets too much so you're not having to work around a mess.

Go out as much as possible so you don't have to see it. It's like a tantruming toddler, all you are doing by eventually giving in and doing stuff for him is teaching him that he can just not do things because in the end you will always always just do it for him. So just don't give in.

@ Womendohavevaginasnick think she means attic

Thank god for that! 🤣

Once I've got DC3 to sleep, I'll usually tidy away toys, have a quick tidy up of the lounge/dining area - but that's about it. Once I've done that, I just want to sit down too, so I tend to leave the washing up until the morning.

What’s he doing while you’re getting 3 kids to sleep? All that could be done by him by the time you’re finished

@SinkGirl

Once I've got DC3 to sleep, I'll usually tidy away toys, have a quick tidy up of the lounge/dining area - but that's about it. Once I've done that, I just want to sit down too, so I tend to leave the washing up until the morning.

What’s he doing while you’re getting 3 kids to sleep? All that could be done by him by the time you’re finished

So, he takes DC1 and 2 up to bed at the same time I go up with DC3. With DC1 and 2, it's a case of tucking them in, giving them a top up of water, having a cuddle and saying good night.

For me, with DC3, it's a breastfeed, some rocking, then sitting in the room while baby falls asleep. I mentioned up the thread that he's usually done with DC1 and 2 a good 45 mins before Im done with DC3, when I come back down, he's normally on his phone, or watching tv.

OP I really could live like this. What a lazy selfish man.

I once, many moons ago lived with someone like this. When I'd done enough talking and things didn't change I put everything he didn't do in to his car. Dirty washing he didn't pick up, washing up he didn't do, rubbish he didn't take out etc.

Childish? Yes.

Some good ideas there, thank you @DrinkFeckArseBrick I particularly like the ones about storage bins for his bits! That allows me to leave things, but not become stressed out by the mess! I think may also work on some kind of spreadsheet to divide out some chores, having it up somewhere in writing may jog his memory to pull his finger out. I genuinely don't think he doesn't do things to annoy me, i think he just has blinkers on and is incapable of seeing mess/the jobs that need doing, and even the mess he does spot, it doesn't phase him