to feel pissed off that the rubbish has been left for me to deal with again?

[MoiraRoseForPresident]

A quick background - I do all of the housework; the hoovering, the dusting, the washing up, the cleaning of the bathroom, 99% of the laundry for myself, DH and our three young dc (all 4 and under), all of the cooking, the changing and making of our bed, the general maintenance of keeping our home looking tidy and nice, I'd be here all day listing everything, but if it’s housework related - you name it, I do it.

I’m the stay at home parent so I expect to do the lions share and I don’t have too much of an issue with that (I quite like cleaning and am generally a tidy person by nature, though occasionally not being the only one doing the washing up would be nice!), but the one thing I ask dh to do, is to put the bins out.

Yesterday afternoon, when he got in from work, I reminded him to sort out the recycling/cardboard that’s piling up in our garden (and is slowly turning to mulch due to the rain!) ready for collection this morning, he said he’d do it later in the evening.
We had dinner, got DC’s to bed, I watched some shows on the tablet while DH played some games, when he switched his game off, I again reminded him about the recycling. He said he’d sort it when he got up this morning.

He woke up late and has gone to work without putting a single thing out, so now it’s on me to deal with the soggy mountain of cardboard, the sacks full of nappies, our food bags etc, all on top of making breakfast for three dc/generally dealing with how chaotic and demanding mornings with young children are!

I know that putting the bins out isn’t a difficult task, nor am I under the impression that it’s a ‘mans’ job, but I’m irritated that it’s literally the ONE housework related thing that I ask him to do, and he keeps either waking up late and not doing it, or, waking up on time but completely forgetting to do it!

I really don’t ask for much help around the house, putting the bins out is my one weekly ‘expectation’ of DH, so when it doesn’t get done even after several reminders, it makes me think ‘why on earth should I have to do it when I do absolutely every other bloody thing in this house?!’.

I know it’s petty, but someone please tell me this would irk you, too!

Also, some pointers on how to raise this 'issue' with dh without sounding like a boring nag would be great. No one wants to get in to an argument over the poxy rubbish collection!

Wet cardboard can't be recycled, it'll be separated out at the recycling facility and disposed of.

He's basically failing his one household task. So annoying that you have to micromanage his little job for him. He needs to change his attitude and help out more.

I understand that this division of labour works for you now, but if you return to work when the dc are older then he better be prepared to take more responsibility at home.

As someone who happily does everything round the house including the bins I would go mad if I asked someone to do one thing and they 'forgot'
It's common courtesy to help out if asked,
Leave them, I'd probably have left the nappies too
I don't mind doing it all but I'm not going to be unappreciated and ignored

You need to have a serious talk with him - you will end up completely resenting him if he continues like this and he will be oblivious.

You shouldn’t have to do this but I would make a list of all tasks and admin that needs to be done and sit down with him and go through which he is going to do. Tell him that you won’t be doing it if he forgets, even if that means the kids have no clean uniform or whatever. Do not cave.

It's also the 'forgetting to do them' that irritates me. The houses opposite us all put their rubbish in to one big, collective pile which is no more than 20ft from our drive. DH would have to be borderline blind to not see 20+ black bags in front of him when he leaves for work

Don't worry about being a 'nag' it's a word used to shut woman up from making perfectly valid points.

I think you need to take action now - forget to do some things that will cause him issues (no clean clothes for example) until he starts helping. Pretty sure he won't suddenly help with your burden when you go back to work.

some people genuinely don't 'see' the mess etc the same as we do.

For example, I have a simple rule - if it's not in the laundry basket it doesn't get washed. My hubby drops his washing at the foot of the bed which is one step from the laundry basket. I have no idea why. But it stays there until he picks it up.

Most weeks he has to do his own washing because I've only done the stuff in the basket, ie none of his stuff. However, after over 20 years, he still doesn't use the basket. When I asked him why he just said 'I forget it's there', and he's being genuine.

So, no advice other than he might not be doing it deliberately and the 'hard' tactics of not doing it yourself might not change anything.

Simple way out of this, stop doing stuff for him.

Is he this incompetent at work, too?

I'd find that so disrespectful that he just leaves everything for you. Ok he is ok with mess and everyone likes a different level of 'tidy' but he surely can't a. Be ok with eating off dirty plates and having dirty nappies either building up inside or lying round the garden and b. Think that having a wife who is a SAHP absolves him of the absolute basics of being an adult.

Also...I've just re read your OP and bloody hell three 4 and under, surely looking after them is pretty much a full time job in itself? And therefore you should be splitting chores? If either of us have got our two 6 and 3 for the day we dont manage much other than maybe stick a wash on, cooking for them and clearing up after doing so as well as tidying up a few toys.

I think you need to speak to him about a couple of things. First leisure time. If he is getting more sleep than you and more downtime than you in the evenings to relax because you're doing jobs then thats not fair, you're meant to be a partnership and that means equal time for chilling, sleeping, hobbies etc. As small kids are hard work. If your older two are in nursery and your youngest is a good napper and you are managing to get everything done in the day and dont do any chores at the weekend then this isnt an issue but if you are doing things at the weekend and he isnt then that's not ok, it's not fair he gets two whole days off a week and you dont. I'd threaten to look into going back to work and then he will have to do everything 50 50.

Also the saying he will do something and not do it is disrespectful as its breaking his word repeatedly and also forcing you to do extra at a time inconvenient to you. Eg he says he will do the washing up and doesnt, then you need the pan for breakfast and are forced to do it there and then rather than when youd have chosen to do it if you knew you were going to. It's not ok for him not to contribute at home at all just because he works out the house, most people that work manage to wash their dishes and put the bins out on top of their big important job. I'd focus on how this makes you feel and if he would treat other people like this. Would he agree to a task at work or a favour for a friend, and then just not bother, leaving them to pick up the pieces at the last minute? I doubt it so why is it ok to treat his own family like that?

Do you have any daughters? If so they have a very high chance of growing up and finding a partner and doing absolutely everything for them at home while their partner spends all their free time relaxing as that's the relationship you are modelling. Would either of you be happy with that?

He is home at 4.45pm and does fuck all in the house? There’s more than a bin to be pissed off about!!
Do nothing for him until he starts behaving like an adult, lazy shit.

@RedBonnet

some people genuinely don't 'see' the mess etc the same as we do.

For example, I have a simple rule - if it's not in the laundry basket it doesn't get washed. My hubby drops his washing at the foot of the bed which is one step from the laundry basket. I have no idea why. But it stays there until he picks it up.

Most weeks he has to do his own washing because I've only done the stuff in the basket, ie none of his stuff. However, after over 20 years, he still doesn't use the basket. When I asked him why he just said 'I forget it's there', and he's being genuine.

So, no advice other than he might not be doing it deliberately and the 'hard' tactics of not doing it yourself might not change anything.

I've had that very same laundry basket issue, too! I once left DH's washing for almost 2 weeks, it was in a giant pile next to his side of the bed and it ended up winding me up so much, that I just caved and did his washing (like I always do!).

I don't think his actions are deliberate, as in, I don't think he leaves things laying around or doesn't put the bins out to spite me, I think it's a case of 1) he doesn't care about mess and 2) genuinely forgets.

It's difficult as I'm someone that likes order and tidiness, I need things sorted out by the end of each day to be able to relax and 'switch off' from the day, but he's completely different. He's quite capable of turning a blind eye to mess and being able to chill out amongst the chaos.

It doesn't stop it from pissing me off that he can't do one weekly task though.

It amazes me how mens lives seem to get easier when kids come along. 3 children under 4 and all he has to do is work and put the bins out? That’s less than I do and I don’t have any kids. How often does he have the kids on his own?

I think it's a case of 1) he doesn't care about mess and 2) genuinely forgets.

I think it’s a case of he doesn’t care about you.

Let his washing pile up, OP. Just his. Don't wash it, don't touch it.

When he draws attention to it, day you'll do it later. When later comes, tell him it will get done tomorrow but not by you. If it's something like his washing that literally impacts only him and you and the children are fine, it will be easy to hold the line.

If that doesn't work, push the nuclear button and proceed to ignoring the washing up. Announce that you can't cook because nothing is clean to cook with or eat off.

He will get the message.

Don't nag. If necessary, buy another outside bin so you can keep adding to it until he puts rubbish out. At the moment, he ignores it, you do it. Win for him

Why do you have two lots of outside bins?

Why don't you just put stuff in the big bins if you (you and him, not just you) take it outside anyway?

When's his next week off? If I were you I would book a week away for yourself when he's off work and leave him to do it all. He might realise how much you do then.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick eldest dc goes to nursery two days a week, other two DC's are with me all day, every day. Youngest dc is a poor napper and poor nighttime sleeper too, so it's definitely a struggle keeping on top of them, plus the housework and the cooking.

Of a weekend, it's still me doing everything. He rarely cooks, it's still usually me doing laundry (but he will occasionally wash the DC's bits), it's me doing the washing up and so on and so forth.

It takes me longer to get DC3 to sleep of an evening than it takes for me him to get dc 1 and 2 in to bed, so by the time I've come down for the evening from getting DC3 asleep, DH will have been downstairs watching something or playing something for a good 45mins by that point. I'll come down and the kids play room will still have toys everywhere, kitchen won't have been sorted. After he's been at work all day, he just wants to relax in the evening, which I do understand.

We don't have any daughters, no. I am teaching dc to tidy up after themselves but they're very young and we all know little children aren't great at packing away huge amounts of mess!

Don't be his mum.
Unless he has serious learning difficulties, he's not forgetting to take responsibility at home, he just has a belief that it's all women's work. He's expecting you to do everything at home like his mum did when he was a child.

Perhaps tell him what a turn off it is for a man to be incompetent at household tasks.

I’m having counselling atm for PND and anxiety and one of the things I mentioned last time to my counsellor was that I just wish DH would help out more around the house. I’m also a SAHM so expect to do the lions share too but it would be nice for him to help and not to have to nag at him constantly to do jobs around the house. My counsellor basically said he doesn’t do the jobs because he knows you will always do them if he forgets so he’s become lazy with that in mind. He advised I simply stop doing the things he should be doing and say to him sternly ‘I need you to do x and x and I need you to do it right now please’. I’m working on my overall assertiveness so this is something I’ve had to force myself to do recently.

Basically, your DH does this because he thinks you will sort it. It isn’t important to him because he has you around to act as his lackey. Fuck that, you’re worth more than that. Leave the recycling and personally I wouldn’t let him in the house until he sorts it.

Time for him to take over the cooking and cleaning if the bins are too much for him.

Show him this. And there are more!

I don't think his actions are deliberate, as in, I don't think he leaves things laying around or doesn't put the bins out to spite me, I think it's a case of 1) he doesn't care about mess and 2) genuinely forgets.

I bet he doesn't have any of these issues at work..... I bet he doesn't 'forget' to do an important part of his job every week.

He doesn't do it because he knows you will.

@3Britnee

Why do you have two lots of outside bins?

Why don't you just put stuff in the big bins if you (you and him, not just you) take it outside anyway?

We have a small box for cardboard recycling, but we tend to get a lot of deliveries involving large cardboard boxes, so the cardboard doesn't fit in the recycling box - the larger bits of cardboard get put in the back garden as if it was all left out the front, it would blow away.

We have a bin out the front purely for nappy bags.

So, DH only has to break down any larger boxes that are in the back garden, take them through to the front and put them kerbside. While out the front, he'd need to empty the nappy bin, then shoot back inside and grab our food bags.

If he kept on top of it weekly, it'd take him 5 minutes (if that) before he leaves for work.

I've woke up to the same thing today. Bins full, cat litter needs emptying. I've got a big pile of washing to start and the kitchen to clean. All I ask is for the trays and bins to be emptied.
Very frustrating, so I sympathise with you.