Definition of a "single parent"

[forinborin]

Just for traffic.
In your opinion, at what point does the definition of a "single parent" start to apply?

Say:
Scenario 1. Someone who sees their children infrequently, not overnights or long stays, not participating financially or otherwise.
Scenario 2. A standard "weekend parent" arrangement, i.e. every other weekend Fri to Sun, pays the official maintenance amount.
Scenario 3. A parent with 50/50 care and share of all responsibilities.

Asking just out of interest - read something about a person who is more like the first option above, and was puzzled at the "single parent" definition applied to them.

Or is it as simple as "single" + "parent" = "single parent"?

@kindaclassy

I hate this race to "I have it shitter than you". It reeks of bitterness

but that's exactly what you are doing. No one really cares, but it's a bit odd to pretend there's no help or no dad involved when there is one.

I haven't pretended. I said from the off exH has them EOW. I'm still a single parent. What else would I be by your definition? Seeing as you know it all?

I'm not bitter just annoyed at people who think they have the monopoly on single parenting because they don't have en ex around. It's all very "woe is me, I win, I am considerably more single than YOW"

just annoyed at people who think they have the monopoly on single parenting because they don't have en ex around.

why?

it's not a monopoly, it's just the definition. Single (as in lone, or exclusive) parent, as opposed to co-parents.

It's all very "woe is me, I win, I am considerably more single than YOW"
quite.. but that's from you, not them!

Either you are the only parent, or you are not. I am not sure why the need for so much drama.

I think you're misunderstanding the definition on single @kindaclassy . It is referring to relationship status not whether there is another (usually useless) man on the scene less than a handfull of days a month. My tax credits and housing benefit statements confirm this. They use the words lone parent. I'm responsible for everything including dropping them to their dads and going to get them and drop them back off again if they have a party or other arrangement in his time. He essentially just babysits them a few hours a month as a paid help or grandparent might

Maybe it would be better to describe yourself as:

A single mother by choice.

That way you avoid the shit.

why?

Because I don't like being told I'm not something when i am

it's not a monopoly, it's just the definition. Single (as in lone, or exclusive) parent, as opposed to co-parents.

No, it's YOUR definition. And very odd to define single parent my a percentage of the time they have their children.

Either you are the only parent, or you are not. I am not sure why the need for so much drama.

Well I'm not with their father, so I am a single parent.

I'll ask again - what am I according to you? I've asked a few times and for someone who knows all the definitions you haven't answered yet

And before you say it I'm not a co-parent. I do not parent in conjunction with my ex. He does the Disney dad stuff, I do the slog - we do no collaborate about the children and how we raise them. Communications is kept to timings of pick ups and now they're old enough that we don't even come up to the door, the kids come out to the car. I have no co-parenting arrangement with him whatsoever

This is quite interesting actually, I’d class myself as a single parent, but maybe I’m a lone parent. Ex gives no financial input and has them (or his parents do!) maybe once every 6-7 weeks? Not sure now!

Technically he’s also a single parent as he’s single and a father, but if he doesn’t pull his weight is he?

Huh. I always described myself as a single parent as in, there is no one else in the picture. At all. I didn't realize there was more than one definition ! If dad is involved, I thought you're not a single parent, you're a separated parent.

IMO, a single parent takes of the majority of the "burden" with or without financial help. 50:50 split is still two parents, albeit living separately and not in a relationship.

So I think single parent is a parent who is single, line parent is a parent who does everything on their own and receives no financial support, and i think there ought to never another word for a single parent who has no involvement from the NRP but does receive CM... but I don’t think there is.

Doing it on your own is incredibly hard, and although money doesn’t really make it by easier, receiving maintenance above £50 a month does take a small amount of stress off the plate of the RP.

But then, I’m biased. I had a baby through a complicated situation, culminating in rape by coercion. The man, who I do not consider to a parent- absent or otherwise- pays nothing towards the child. I never asked, and I prefer it. Because of the circumstances (no proof, „nice guy“ who everyone loved, etc) I never did anything about it. Had he ever contributed money or anything else I would feel he had a claim to my kid, whereas right now he has nothing. He could petition courts for a DNA test, I suppose, and he did know I was 3 months pregnant last time I saw him (almost 4 years ago) so he doesn’t pay.

Before bills, I take home 12k. Including governmental support. Next year that will drop to 10k as I start at university to try and give my kid a better life. So I do think that those who receive significant amounts of CM but no parental support have it marginally better, and I would like for that to have a separate word so that, when I say I am a lone parent, it is understood that I m truly alone. I don’t have a support network, or any help toward the cost of a child. I am alone.

I don’t wish to sound like a martyr, I have it a lot better than other people. But just like when I say I can’t do something and someone says “where’s [name]s dad, can he not watch her” and I wish there was a word that told people my daughter did not have a dad and I didn’t want to hear people ask about it, I wish there was a word to say I am a lone parent with no support, financial or otherwise.

I call myself a single parent. Dd doesn't see her dad at all and Ds goes 3 nights a week. Dd is also 17 so doesn't need as much physical care and supervision.

Just because the other parent see the child, doesn't mean you always have support.

Ds was sent home from school due to covid, on his dad's days. I had to come out of work to get him, because dad couldn't be contacted. I am the one staying at home with him until Tuesday. He has an autism assessment next Tuesday (also his dad's day) and I am taking him to that. His physio appointments, I have to book those on my days too.

When work need me to travel to say, Scotland, if its my days I have to arrange childcare. If its not I still have to make sure his dad knows so that he knows I can't be available.

When lockdown was imposed in march 2020. I was the one working from him and home schooling. Because nothing got done at his dad's.

It used to be 50:50 care. I still did most of the work, because it just doesn't get done. Uniforms, shoes, clothes etc are all ignored by his dad and provided by me. The kids are always with me for Christmases and birthdays. He isn't bothered about seeing them. Ds is slowly getting more and more fed up of being at his dad's so I am following his lead and having him more days. His dad is also self employed and earns next to nothing on paper. So there won't be any financial support.

Ds spends most of his time messaging me and talking to me when he is at his dad's or asking me to log in to his x box at our house so I can play games with him while he is at his dad's. I am in no doubt within the next few years ds will stay here more. O dont want to push him to not see his dad as he does love him. So going at his pace.

The 3 nights I get off a week are usually filled with me doing extra work so I can spend time with ds when he is here (I can work flexibly to a degree). Or doing bigger jobs at home, that are easier when ds isn't here.

Its fairly exhausting trying to co parent with a parent who does the bare minimum.

If ds dad was not involved at all, I would call myself a lone parent.

But when needing support from work during the lockdown, it's easier to say I am a single parent. Rather than the long explanation above. When people are complaining that my child shouldn't have been in the supermarket during lockdown, it's easier to say I am a single parent than 'I am a co parent, whose co is shit and decided he can't see him this week because he broke lockdown to see his girlfriend and her kids. and now they all have a continuous cough.'

The assumption seems to be if the other parents sees their kids, there's loads of support and life is easy. But I don't think my situation is unusual. I think lots of people technically co parent, but still do the vast majority on their own.

When parents aren't together, theres so many variations of how it people are. So if they want to describe themseleves as single or lone or whatever they know their situation better.

but that's exactly what you are doing. No one really cares, but it's a bit odd to pretend there's no help or no dad involved when there is one.

Whose pretending?

I have never pretended ds dad isnt involved. Most people I know would assume single parent means not in a relationship and has kids. No one has ever assumed ds never sees his dad.

@kindaclassy

just annoyed at people who think they have the monopoly on single parenting because they don't have en ex around.

why?

it's not a monopoly, it's just the definition. Single (as in lone, or exclusive) parent, as opposed to co-parents.

It's all very "woe is me, I win, I am considerably more single than YOW"
quite.. but that's from you, not them!

Either you are the only parent, or you are not. I am not sure why the need for so much drama.

Single is different than lone. Single means you are single, lone means you are doing it alone.

I wouldn't call myself a "co parent" as to me co parenting is when parenting is shared equally or almost equally. I have DS about 85% of the time, that's not "co parenting" that's me doing the vast majority.

@kindaclassy so what about parents who are doing it without any input from the other parent. But has hands on help from their own parents

So the grandparents have the kids every Friday night and do regular childcare?

How are is that type of parent different to a parent whose children's father has them 2 nights eow?

In both situations the resident parent is still shouldering the financial responsibility, doing the majority of care, most of the emotional labour, parents evenings, birthdays, clothes, activities, working, coordinating care, doctors appointments, looking after kids when they are sick etc.

Do you really believe a parent is a single parent is only a single parent is they do 100% of it alone? No help from family or friends.

What if they have no friends or family support but earn well and just use paid child care? Have a nanny stay overnight for a regular night out? Or travel for work? Are those people not single parents?

I am a separated co-parent 50/50 and do not refer to myself as a single parent.

I have the support of my co parent so don't feel it is true and it is an insult to those who are genuinely alone with no input.

I now many years later have a partner. Someone said upthread that a single mum who gets a boyfriend of six months can no longer class herself as a single parent. I disagree. Having a short term boyfriend, someone with no parental responsibility for your kids is not the same as being with their parent. You are still singularly responsible. Over years this may develop and change.

Only Scenario 3.

1 = Knob cheese
2= Non resident parent

HTH

Well, it’s clearly a very loaded question - since not one of those scenarios apply to any single Mums I know.

And they’re the only single parents I know.

A single parent for me is one who is not in an enduring committed relationship with the child’s other birth parent.

IMO single parent is someone who is not in a relationship with their child’s other parent. There is obviously a huge spectrum of varying support networks within that category. Just as there is in two parent households.

@funinthesun19

A single parent is a parent who is not in a relationship, especially if they live with you.

I’m a single mum because I don’t have a partner.

A mum who has had a boyfriend for 6 months is not a single mum.

It gets really ridiculous when someone calls themselves a single mum and they’ve been in a long term relationship for 5 years. No, you’re just not with your child’s father anymore.

I don't think I'd agree with that. I am in a relationship (not with my daughter's father), but have deliberately chosen to keep that relationship at some degree of remove from my DD.

I have a boyfriend of nearly 3 years but he doesn't live with me and has not become my DD's stepfather. It may be that he steps into this role at some point but for now I don't want her to be forced to accept someone living with us when she has not had any say in that person coming into our lives and when she and I function well as a team on our own together.

My boyfriend sometimes fulfils "parental" roles with her: he helps sometimes with childcare for me and other domestic responsibilities and in a limited way buys things for her but he is not a parent to all intents and purposes and while he is supportive in general he doesn't significantly alleviate the burden on me. Which suits me fine.

I still perform 95% of the parenting on my own and boyfriend does not have any parental obligations towards my daughter. So I would still describe myself as a single parent even though I'm not single.

@vodkaredbullgirl

Why does it matter

There's always one 😒

Yes there is lol, btw I'm a single parent. Been a single parent since 2009, adult kids not seen their dad for nearly 8 yrs.

I'd consider myself a single parent. I am fortunate that my ex is financially supportive, but he only sees the 3 DCs once a month for 1-2 nights, occasionally longer in the holidays. Very much Disney dad type stuff. He has almost nothing to do with their day to day lives, although we consult on major issues... to which his usual response is " I trust you to make the best decision for the DCs" i.e. passing the buck!

Everything practical is down to me, as is all emotional support. When I went back to work I was lucky enough to secure a term time, school hours job which is just as well as there's no way he'd have stepped up to have kids more often/ pay for childcare.

I don't have regular support from family members... nearest is over an hour away and has their own family... but I know somebody would help out in an emergency... ex ils are marginally closer and would also help in an emergency.

If you're separated from the children's other parent but both play a pretty equal role in childcare/finances you are a co parent not a single parent. I have 2 friends who have 50/50 or 60/40 split from their DC's other parents so they get a lot of time off and don't have to worry financially. They have more time/money to themselves than a lot of parents who are still together. They consider themselves single parents with an increased burden but it's not the case, in both instances the ex is very supportive and in one case pays for everything.

I have several other friends who do the lions share of everything, very little contact with DC's other parent and no financial support. These are single parents. Their situation is markedly different from co parents in terms of what they have to deal with.

A single parent is a parent who is single where a child or children lives with them. 50/50 would count but it is vanishingly rare because it is difficult to put in place without disrupting a child.