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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends who aren’t understanding about mental illness

120 replies

GRP1980 · 06/07/2021 17:42

I’m in turmoil at the moment trying to stop feeling hurt by how my friends have been. They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes. Without going into too much detail I told them I was feeling quite down and lonely and although one messaged straight away to say she hadn’t realised the others said nothing. One did, 2 days later, ask if I was ok. The third absolutely nothing. It then turns out that they had all spoken and made the decision to cancel a holiday we had booked. This was something I had been the main organiser of in terms of finding the perfect place for us all. I was told by the one of them who hadn’t said anything when I said I was feeling down and there was no explanation except that things hadn’t been the same in the group lately.

From the day I told them I was feeling down to the day the one told me that the holiday was cancelled, I had been in such a dark place, suicidal thoughts at an all time high. It was awful. I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that, the three I thought were my closest friends were discussing without me the decision to cancel our holiday. And there seemed to be no thought about how this may make me feel? Having just told them I was down and lonely… I don’t understand the lack of thought here?

I have tried to explain to them how my illness affects me and I have apologised before if it ever makes me seem ungrateful for their offers of help but sometimes it’s hard fo talk. They have been there in some ways before. I don’t think they are bad people or bad friends. But I can’t cope with how hurt I am by this, I don’t know if I can get over it, or trust them again. I am meant to meet one of them tomorrow to talk about things but I just feel so scared that I’ll say something that will upset them because of how hurt I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

GRP1980 · 06/07/2021 17:44

Just to add - I know that mental illness can be hard to understand if you haven’t been there yourself, which is why I’ve tried to explain before to them, but also why I see a therapist and have another friend who I can often talk to who has been there. But it still feels like I should be able to expect some support or understanding from my best friends?

OP posts:

justchecking1 · 06/07/2021 17:52

I'm not sure what you want from them? You want them to go on a holiday they don't eat to go on to show support? Or just more general support?

Do you think they cancelled the holiday because you said you were feeling down?

Original poster

GRP1980 · 06/07/2021 18:05

Just general support but cancelling our holiday when I had just reached out opening up how I felt mentally seemed harsh to me? No?

OP posts:

Waspsarearseholes · 06/07/2021 18:07

I'm sorry you're ill at the moment.
The trouble with depression is that it can make us quite selfish. You can only think of your own wellbeing and don't have the capacity to think of others. Your post does come across as though you are in that zone at the moment unfortunately. We'd all like to think we'd be there for our friends when they need us most but many people just aren't able to be. You expect them to go ahead with the holiday for your benefit but have you given any thought to their feelings on it? Do you check in with them regularly to talk about them and how they are? Maybe they are all struggling and/or overwhelmed at the moment also. If you think you might say something hurtful tomorrow then you need to plan what you want to say very carefully. Being depressed doesn't make it ok to treat people badly. I hope you begin the road to feeling better very soon.

RainCloudz · 06/07/2021 18:14

I expect this is not the first instance of you feeling down? Have there been many previous instances, or situations in which things have been difficult between you all?

I have some mental health issues, and also have some friends that do.

I am very sympathetic to my friends mental health issues. But at times it can be very very difficult.

I have one friend who's depression manifests as anger and abandonment issues, and she has at times had falling about with us over her expectations that we cannot meet.

I understand that depression can make people act very selfishly without realising - I've done it too. But it can push friends away.

Has anything happened in the past that might make one of them want to distance themselves from you?

TheGumption · 06/07/2021 18:14

Is it possible they struggle with mixed signals? You say you expressed to them how you were feeling but later on you mention its hard to talk to people. Perhaps it's hard for them too and they made a decision for the right reasons but got it wrong because they're not sure what will actually help you.
It's so hard to maintain healthy relationships when you're struggling with mental health issues and it's equally hard for those on the outside too.

TellySavalashairbrush · 06/07/2021 18:36

Some people are just better at knowing how to help when you have depression than others and it isn’t always those you are closest to , as you have discovered.
The friends who cancelled the holiday are likely to have been coming from a caring place but just didn’t realise how you may have felt about this change in plans. It’s so easy to be extra sensitive when depression is at its worse. But give people a little grace, they genuinely may not answered how difficult not all is for you. I wish you all the best op. Take care of yourself.

TellySavalashairbrush · 06/07/2021 18:37

Answered =realised. Bloody auto correct!

vincettenoir · 06/07/2021 18:38

The cancellation sounds really disappointing and not what you need right now. Not nice at all.

But I wouldn’t assume your friends cancelled because they don’t care enough about you. Maybe one of them had to safeguard their own well-being for whatever reason. It might be worth talking it through with them to understand more.

I am glad you have a good friend who is able to support you at the moment. Good luck and I hope the depression starts to lift soon.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 06/07/2021 19:13

I only talk about my mental health to my Twitter friends. My rl friends wouldn't understand.

Tal45 · 06/07/2021 19:31

I think it's really mean OP for them all to decide to cancel the holiday without bothering to talk it through with you first. It sounds to me that the third friend has told the others she doesn't want to go on holiday with you and so has been the one to phone you up and bluntly tell you it's off. I imagine she blames you for things being 'off' with the group.

I would have very low expectations of that friend in future and concentrate more on the one who kindly messaged you straight back and the one you thought you were less close to. Make sure you have professional support in place as well so you don't have to lean too hard on your friends who might be at a loss as to how to help you. xxx

Cosybelles · 06/07/2021 19:39

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down right now. To give you another perspective your friends might not have the emotional capacity to support you in the way you want right now. They might be experiencing their own struggles.

As for the holiday, taking a holiday with a person who is severely depressed and having suicidal thoughts can be a big risk. Unfortunately I speak from personal experience. It's very stressful. They probably think they are doing the right thing as they are concerned about your well-being.

whiteroseredrose · 06/07/2021 19:47

When you told your friends that you were struggling with your mental health, maybe they assumed that you wouldn't want to go on holiday.

Hankunamatata · 06/07/2021 19:49

Supporting others with mental health issues is draining. Perhaps they don't have the mental health resilience to cope with someone else's mental health issues.

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 19:52

They have all their own stuff to worry about too - without sounded completely horrid, we don't deserve the people we have in our lives and they don't "owe" us anything. It's very hard to council someone when you haven't a clue how to do it. It might just all be too much for them and they don't know what to say or how to handle it.

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 19:54

I have a friend who goes in and out of "hiding" as she has depression. I respect that's how she feels but I have 8,000 other things to worry about in my own life and I am not equipped with the skills or the experience to help her. I'm her friend but I won't ruin my own life to "help" her...I don't even know how to!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 06/07/2021 20:01

What was their reason for cancelling the holiday?

I think what you need to remember OP is that we are all (and you included) going through personal battles and some people may just not have the energy to support someone else. What would you have done if, 5 minutes before you text your friends saying you were down, one of them had text the group first to say she was having suicidal thoughts? On top of your battle would you have had the energy to give her your all?

At the risk of sounding awful I live in fear of a friend doing this, not just because I love my friends dearly and want them to be happy, but because I spent 10 years trying to help and support a depressed, angry and suicidal (now ex, for other reasons ie he cheated on me) husband and it drained every little ounce of energy out of me. I'm not sure I could ever commit to anyone else that kind of support agin - hence why I've stayed single since our split.

It may not be the kindest outlook but to always be somebody's total support network and have them give very little back, not so much as a "and how are you" (not saying this is you OP but it was my ex) is utterly, utterly debilitating. I can't guarantee I'd have the energy to do it again.

Sorry OP, I hope you're ok, just trying to give different perspective

Eleoura · 06/07/2021 20:01

When you said you were down, did you actually ask for help, a chat, a catch up, a walk together? Sorry, but your friends aren't mind readers in knowing what you expect from a text that you are down. I personally would have texted or called back asking if I could do anything, but it sounds like they have heard this from you many times. Maybe they have things going on their own lives too!

I hope you get the support and help you need

Original poster

GRP1980 · 06/07/2021 20:02

@Cosybelles

I get this, but they didn’t really know I was suicidal or severely depressed. I only told them I was feeling down and lonely. I’ve never talked in huge depth with them about it, never about the suicidal thoughts. I see a therapist because I know I can’t rely solely on my friends and wouldn’t expect them to take that on. It’s more the little bits of support that I feel im missing from them, I guess

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 20:18

"Friends" aren't always able or willing to be supportive.

I know that sounds horrible but it's true.

For some people, friends are those they can and will give their all to. I can practically help my friends, e.g. help them find a job, but I can't "fix" them.

For others it's people who lighten the load or provide humour and release and fun, and that might be what they want from a holiday.

A holiday is meant to be a holiday for everyone, a relaxing and fun time and not a place where you have to spend every day worrying about a specific friend and their suicidal thoughts (as before, most people have no idea how to handle this and don't have the experience required to not say the 'wrong' thing, however dearly you care about them.

My friend was suicidal and I had to refer him to Samaritans as there was no way I could have helped. He's ok now but if he needed help again, I'd have to say the same thing.

If you really want your friends to remain friends, perhaps wait until you feel better and ask them how they felt and why they decided not to come? They will have their own thoughts, feelings and opinions (which they may not express eloquently) but their opinions are as valid as yours.

I genuinely hope you feel brilliant ASAP x

rookiemere · 06/07/2021 20:19

I wonder if your friends wanted to take the pressure off you by cancelling the holiday?

EmeraldShamrock · 06/07/2021 20:24

You're friends are not mental health professionals it's extremely difficult when a friend suffers from depression intermittently, You're never sure if you say the right or wrong thing to the person, it is a lot of responsibility.
Have you seen a GP.

Original poster

GRP1980 · 06/07/2021 20:30

As I’ve said I’ve got a therapist and I talk to the GP. I haven’t spoken to these friends about the details of my depression and never about suicidal thoughts. I wouldn’t put them on that or expect them to deal with it as professionals would. And I don’t expect them to fix me.. that’s not what I’m looking for at all. It’s just the nothing, the not checking in on me, the not really seeming to bother with me. And then telling me they’ve cancelled the holiday they knew I was looking forward to 2 days after I said I felt low and lonely

OP posts:

fourminutestosavetheworld · 06/07/2021 20:37

It sounds as if they've reached the outer limits of what they've got the capacity for right now. They may be experiencing their own struggles and just not be able to keep pouring from an empty cup. It's been a tough year for everyone. It sounds as if you've found professional support so it may be time to acknowledge that these are not the friends to support you through serious issues such as ill health.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/07/2021 20:38

If you really want your friends to remain friends, perhaps wait until you feel better and ask them how they felt and why they decided not to come

I think this is good advice. Once you are feeling better you may have a clearer view of whether your expectations of them were realistic.

It is great that your other friend has stepped up, but bear in mind that she has personal experience of depression which your other friends lack. Also she has set the bar very high - I know I simply would not have time to give a friend the level of support you describe.

Basically I would say don't fall out with your friends. They haven't done anything awful.

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