Friends who aren’t understanding about mental illness

[GRP1980]

I’m in turmoil at the moment trying to stop feeling hurt by how my friends have been. They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes. Without going into too much detail I told them I was feeling quite down and lonely and although one messaged straight away to say she hadn’t realised the others said nothing. One did, 2 days later, ask if I was ok. The third absolutely nothing. It then turns out that they had all spoken and made the decision to cancel a holiday we had booked. This was something I had been the main organiser of in terms of finding the perfect place for us all. I was told by the one of them who hadn’t said anything when I said I was feeling down and there was no explanation except that things hadn’t been the same in the group lately.

From the day I told them I was feeling down to the day the one told me that the holiday was cancelled, I had been in such a dark place, suicidal thoughts at an all time high. It was awful. I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that, the three I thought were my closest friends were discussing without me the decision to cancel our holiday. And there seemed to be no thought about how this may make me feel? Having just told them I was down and lonely… I don’t understand the lack of thought here?

I have tried to explain to them how my illness affects me and I have apologised before if it ever makes me seem ungrateful for their offers of help but sometimes it’s hard fo talk. They have been there in some ways before. I don’t think they are bad people or bad friends. But I can’t cope with how hurt I am by this, I don’t know if I can get over it, or trust them again. I am meant to meet one of them tomorrow to talk about things but I just feel so scared that I’ll say something that will upset them because of how hurt I am.

Sure not everyone can offer physical or practical support but I stand by it that sending a text to check in with someone takes 30 seconds

As I've said I can do the 30 second text but the OP and many people need more than this.

@Royalbloo

Please don't feel bad Smokeymirror we get to choose how and who we spend out free time with. If you need friends who are happy and a welcome distraction from normal life, I think that's fine. We aren't responsible for another humans happiness and we get to choose who are friends are x

I agree, you're not a bad person at all @Smokeymirror

No one on this planet is responsible for any one else's mental health. Foremost, we have to learn to look after ourselves. If we can't (or get help when we need it) then how can we possibly expect anyone else to?!

What about if everyone around you was unwilling to help you beyond a chat though? Sometimes it is that ‘how are you’ text that can make all the difference. I’m not disputing people also need to help themselves and friends can’t provide actual therapy, but I do wonder what all these ‘I can’t help anyone else’ people would do if they were in a crisis themselves and everyone around them took the same approach.

I would 100% understand and I'd go to my GP and utilise as many services as I possibly could.

@Royalbloo and @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop thank you both, that means a lot.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop thank you - if we cannot or will not extend help that doesn't make us horrible people.

I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing.
Be careful leaning on this person she is very kind arriving after work staying until the small hours however if she has her own issues she may get overwhelmed.

This as you say has been going on for years with bad depression on and off. Therapy and medication hasn't helped it in all these years in that case?

It's hard on both sides.

It is hard as you need your friends support. It is hard as the last year has been horrendous in terms of lockdowns and goodness knows what your friends have had to go through.

Was the holiday realistic? Were you going to be able to go and enjoy it when you're feeling down and suicidal?

You say they don't know how you really feel but their reaction suggests they may well do.

You are making all of this about you. I know that's depression and have been there myself. It is impossible to focus on anything but your own wellbeing.

Perhaps your friends aren't up for using their annual leave and money on this holiday when potentially you're not going to be OK when the last year has been awful anyway.

Perhaps they no longer wanted to go in these circumstances.

Sure not everyone can offer physical or practical support but I stand by it that sending a text to check in with someone takes 30 seconds

What if you don't have one friend who is struggling with MH? What if its 5 or 10?
What if as well as the friends with MH problems you also have lonely older relatives or friends with serious illnesses who need a checkin?
Suddenly it's not 30 seconds any more, its 20 minutes.

What if when you text each of those people even half of them text back, maybe saying they're worried about something or they've had a bad day? Do you ignore their reply or do you engage with them?
Suddenly it's not 20 minutes anymore, its 2 hours.

What if you work full-time, have kids, etc and that 2 hours is eating into the time you need to work, to sleep, to eat, to look after your kids, to relax?

What if you are yourself and struggling a bit with your own mental health and just haven't told anyone because everyone around seems to also be struggling with theirs. What if you need that break from the mental responsibility of worrying about how all your friends are getting stressed because it's got to 11pm and you're exhausted and you've had no time to yourself because you've been busy trying to keep up a text chat with Anne and Jane and Sarah who are all struggling, while you simultaneously make dinner, help with homework, etc and it's time for bed and you've just realised you've forgotten to text Emma who is also struggling?

Just sending a text isn't always that easy.

@DeathStare I agree. It takes less than 30 seconds to send a how are you text.

To a vulnerable person who is craving support they will reply. Before you know it, you've spent an hour or more texting someone and got drawn into it.

I work very long hours in an emotionally demanding job and sometimes don't want to start that.

But if you ask if they're OK and they say they're not and you say sorry hope you're doing better soon and cut it off, you get called heartless.

It's never enough and that's the problem with depression. No text is bad. Quick text doesn't help.

Not everyone can get drawn into it all the time when someone needs support which sounds like a lot from op.

I think it’s a thoroughly depressing indictment of how some people view friendships that so many think not providing any kind of support is fine. It really isn’t difficult to have a conversation via text and tell someone you’re thinking of them. As for the person who said it would be fine if their friends all declined to support them because they’d go to the GP, I’m going to assume you’ve never tried accessing mental health support over the NHS because I’m actually laughing out loud at that one. You’d be sent away with a leaflet on negative thinking and a referral to some useless CBT in six months time if you were lucky. I’m glad my friends and I aren’t like most people on this thread.

@TedMullins I do wish you'd read the brilliant posts from people as to why a 30 second text can lead to a path where people can't cope being a supporter.

I'm not the type of friend who'd expect my friends to be there at the drop of a hat whenever I needed them.

Posted too soon...

Because I understand they have lives and responsibilities and it's so draining to take on other people's struggles. It's a nice bonus to have a friend who can commit to helping you, but people who can't are not bad friends

I’ve read them, and I think 90% of people posting sound like shitty friends. I’ve got plenty going on in my life and so have my friends but I genuinely don’t know anyone who thinks it’s fine to cut off friends if they have depression.

Nah OP, you're right, if my friend or even an acquaintance messaged me telling me they were really struggling mentally I would 1. Send them a nice, supportive message 2. Offer to meet up with them/go to their house for a chat or just for some company or go out a walk if they felt up to it 3. Ask them what I can do to help (ie do they still feel up to going the holiday or would they prefer we cancel etc).

Your friends aren't your friends, not when they have treated you like that. Who actually does that? Cancels a holiday after you've just told them you are depressed? It could be the only thing keeping you going!

I hope you get better soon OP, sorry you are going through this

I genuinely don’t know anyone who thinks it’s fine to cut off friends if they have depression.

Well for a start you've made that bit up for some reason. Because nobody has said that.

And you think the only acceptable thing when someone is struggling is for their friend to help no matter what, even if it's at the detriment of their own mental health/family/job and even if it means running themselves into the ground? Otherwise they're a 'shitty friend'?

I'm pleased I'm not your friend if that's your expectation.

OP hasn’t been cut off. She’s meeting one of these friends tomorrow for a talk. That’s the complete opposite of being cut off.

I think OP needs to clarify what she's told her friends and what she expects in return.

Because she says she's messaged them to say she's down, but hasn't gone into detail about suicidal thoughts or depression.

Wont many people take that as their friend is having a shit few days like everyone does from time to time? I'm not sure what kind of response that really warrants. Maybe it would be different if OP was very forthright and said "I am really on the brink here guys, I need you". Sometimes you do have to spell it out for people

@TedMullins

I’ve read them, and I think 90% of people posting sound like shitty friends. I’ve got plenty going on in my life and so have my friends but I genuinely don’t know anyone who thinks it’s fine to cut off friends if they have depression.

No one has suggested cutting friends off.

I'm no substitute for trained mental health professionals.

I don't expect my friends to be on the other end of a phone to listen to my misery whenever I need it. Two of my friends lost their jobs in the pandemic.

Friend called me last week after some bad news. Chatted for ages about it, etc.

Friend who has had suicidal thoughts and severe depression for years needs constant support, nothing makes it better and doesn't seem to ask her friends if they're OK in return...very different.

I think so many people are struggling mentally over the last 18 months for many of their own reasons.

I'm supporting a friend that's going through a shit time health wise Aswell as practical support with her d child as her dh is also poorly.

I've been supporting a co worker a lot who needs a shoulder and a calm reasoned friend.

I'm also supporting a dp emotionally and the other dp practically due to an ongoing sudden illness

All whilst looking after my own little family,working hard and keeping my own head above water.

I have a friend of over 10 years who in her own admission has terrible moments of mental health issues and where by I have supported her ALOT over the years emotionally ans practically I've stepped back from her right now because I just can't take anymore on my own emotional well being.

I'm starting to get stressed and over whelmed myself at the minute which triggers off a disease I have which in turn makes me rather ill and so I need to manage that.

This friend has been a needy one and has never really taken the time to offer me help when Ive struggled in the past and I certainly don't hold it against him however it's always in the back of my mind if she says she hasn't heard from me for a while etc etc.

That’s the thing. With my friend nothing made it better. When I tried to help her there was always an excuse why she couldn’t do something. If I tried to be positive she didn’t want to know. Took offense at everything . I couldn’t do right for doing wrong and she had absolutely no interest in trying to overcome it and just wanted to wallow and receive sympathy - again not blaming her for this as she was ill but there is only so much you can do for some people before it drains you and I really didn’t feel like I could help her anyway.

@Smokeymirror

That’s the thing. With my friend nothing made it better. When I tried to help her there was always an excuse why she couldn’t do something. If I tried to be positive she didn’t want to know. Took offense at everything . I couldn’t do right for doing wrong and she had absolutely no interest in trying to overcome it and just wanted to wallow and receive sympathy - again not blaming her for this as she was ill but there is only so much you can do for some people before it drains you and I really didn’t feel like I could help her anyway.

I recognise this. It's completely exhausting isn't it. And I found little thanks were received and no interest in MY well-being

I am very sorry you have been feeling so low - and the holiday being cancelled must have left you feeling very disappointed. It must feel additionally hurtful that they cancelled the holiday without discussing it first with you.

My father died last year and I have experienced mental health problems since then. I had moved (away from family and friends) to care for him and unfortunately then had to shield (with no support bubble for over a year- Christmas/New Year/ many months alone). I havee found some friends/family who I didn't expect to be so helpful have been amazing (texting and calling me) and others really disappointing and not there for me at all (no time to call but BBQs galore). In my experience there isn't a lot you can do about it - some people are incredibly kind and generous and others just aren't. I think the crisis has brought out the best and worst in people- some very giving , others have become very selfish and insular. It is extremely hard but I think you will just have to look to yourself and those who have proven they care to try and build yourself up. I was hurt by the reactions of some (think that is allowed - especially when you have given so much over the years??)- but people very rarely change. When someone shows you who they are accept it.

I do find all the media campaigns about getting help with mental health problems a bit troublesome - I know many people do get help from their GP/Friends and Families but many others don't. Telling people to reach out and talk about their problems when those around really dont want to know can make you feel even worse. I suppose for those who dont have family and friends to support them what they really need is good professional mental health support which many areas just dont seem to have. More investment in this area is really needed!

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop yes! And any little thing I said was turned back to her , if I mentioned I was tired from work it would be “oh it’s ok for you I wish I was well enough to work” etc. I felt like I couldn’t even talk about my life as she took it as a personal insult.

@Smokeymirror it's a really horrible catch 22 as depression can often put someone in a self centred place and make them an unpleasant person to be around. Which makes it hard for people to support them. And on goes the viscous circle