Friends who aren’t understanding about mental illness

[GRP1980]

I’m in turmoil at the moment trying to stop feeling hurt by how my friends have been. They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes. Without going into too much detail I told them I was feeling quite down and lonely and although one messaged straight away to say she hadn’t realised the others said nothing. One did, 2 days later, ask if I was ok. The third absolutely nothing. It then turns out that they had all spoken and made the decision to cancel a holiday we had booked. This was something I had been the main organiser of in terms of finding the perfect place for us all. I was told by the one of them who hadn’t said anything when I said I was feeling down and there was no explanation except that things hadn’t been the same in the group lately.

From the day I told them I was feeling down to the day the one told me that the holiday was cancelled, I had been in such a dark place, suicidal thoughts at an all time high. It was awful. I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that, the three I thought were my closest friends were discussing without me the decision to cancel our holiday. And there seemed to be no thought about how this may make me feel? Having just told them I was down and lonely… I don’t understand the lack of thought here?

I have tried to explain to them how my illness affects me and I have apologised before if it ever makes me seem ungrateful for their offers of help but sometimes it’s hard fo talk. They have been there in some ways before. I don’t think they are bad people or bad friends. But I can’t cope with how hurt I am by this, I don’t know if I can get over it, or trust them again. I am meant to meet one of them tomorrow to talk about things but I just feel so scared that I’ll say something that will upset them because of how hurt I am.

It’s just the nothing, the not checking in on me, the not really seeming to bother with me

Are you checking in? Are you bothering with them?
It takes 2 to communicate, maybe they're waiting for you to text and see how they are?

Agree with this. Are you sure they are OK? This pandemic has hit people hard. I am usually extremely resilient but have had periods where I have struggled to cope. I don't think I have it in me at the moment to give much back as just coping with my own workload and family problems has pushed me to the limits. I can't honestly say I would be in a rush to spend money going away if one of the people going was saying how depressed they were. I know that sounds horribly selfish bit it's been a tough year for a lot of us.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop you are right. I started to dislike them a bit and it made me feel like a bad person.

I recognise this. It's completely exhausting isn't it. And I found little thanks were received and no interest in MY well-being
I agree. Eventually you back away for self-protection for your own MH.
The atmosphere and actions take its toll.
OP when you're feeling better take time to enjoy your friendships.

@TedMullins

I’ve read them, and I think 90% of people posting sound like shitty friends. I’ve got plenty going on in my life and so have my friends but I genuinely don’t know anyone who thinks it’s fine to cut off friends if they have depression.

Firstly, nobody has cut her off. One of her friends is meeting her to talk. They just aren't checking in as often as the OP would like.

Secondly, you're making an assumption that the OP's friends aren't also struggling. If they are, well she hadn't checked in with them - which by your reckoning makes her a shitty friend..

Life isn't a pantomime; there isn't one central character and everyone else either supports them fully or is a villain. It's much more nuanced than that.

OP in the nicest possible way you have to try not to make their actions, or perceived lack of care for you all about you. I know that is the nature of depression, so I do sympathise, but it can be very hard for others to continue to offer the support the person suffering thinks they want, when they truly believe no one cares. For example, it sounds like the holiday has been cancelled because they think that's what's best as you are unwell just now, but you've taken that personally as you're feeling so low. Had they decided to go without you then I guess you would have been upset by that too. They prob should have spoken with you about it, but perhaps they didn't want to burden you.

My DH has times like this. He will say I dont care if I leave him to sleep, or lie on the sofa staring blankly at the TV, and don't frequently ask how he is, but if I do that he accuses me of making him feel worse and tells me to leave him alone. And there are far more extreme examples of such behaviour. I know he is ill, and I really do care, but it is so very difficult to help and care for someone in the midst of depression when everything you try to do to help them is received negatively.

Please try to seek support for yourself, online chat rooms, or helplines may be useful just to know you're not alone and to talk freely. The NHS mental health provision is abysmal, but if you haven't done so recently please speak to your GP. They may adjust your meds, or put you on some if you aren't already taking something for your illness. You need to look after you, that is the most important thing right now. Do whatever you can to try to help yourself, just as you would if you were physically unwell. I know your depression will tell you it's pointless, but it really isn't. You have to try as hard as you can to improve your mental health, it is the only way forward

I have experienced similar issues in the past OP. At university i had a friend going through depression. Later on in life I was myself suffered depression and anxiety.

At university I did everything I felt I could for my friend, but it did start to break me. I couldn't give everything she needed. My favourite quote comes in here: "You don't have to set yourself on fire just to keep other people warm." Due to her depression she couldn't see how much I had already done for her, only the extra that I could not do. I wonder if this is where you fit now.

Later in life I went through depression linked to my child's diagnosis with a medical disorder. My oldest and closest friends were useless. Never asked for updates or if my child was ok. I was so hurt by this. Other sets of friends asked the right questions all the time. I ended up seeing it as these people can't be the friends I need 'right now'. It doesn't mean we are not friends or that they don't care about me. They are just differently minded. If they were in the same situation I was in they wouldn't need loads of check in messages from me - so they didn't see the need to send me all those messages. I just had to lean on a different set of friends for a while. That's ok. Friends are only human, not miracle workers.

Just to add - I think your friends still care about you. But they also have to care about themselves.

Paying for a holiday is a huge financial pressure. We are in incredible stressful and scary times due to covid. Due to both of these issues I would want to use a holiday to escape, relax and enjoy myself to the full. Not be a mental health carer for someone with severe depression.

They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes.

So this is not their first experience of your mental health issue, therefore they have taken previous experience and decided amongst them to take the pressure off and cancel the break for you all.

I think they sound like they are trying to make things less stressful by giving you time and space and privacy.

Just a guess of course OP, you know them best.. I do hope you feel better soon..

@Hankunamatata

Supporting others with mental health issues is draining. Perhaps they don't have the mental health resilience to cope with someone else's mental health issues.

This.

After the nearly 18m we've all just had too.

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone that stated what op did either. I'd think that really wouldn't be a holiday and we'd spend the whole time pandering around episodes of weeping and moodiness, miserable atmospheres etc.

Sorry of that's not nice but it's the truth.

Depression is sometimes known as the black dog and I think one of the reasons for this is that it can appear like a physical presence in a group where one person is going through a depressive episode. There is only so much lay people can do past a certain point. I think it might help you to get to know and recognise when you are well and when things are beginning to dip. Be proactive about seeking professional help -talking therapy and meds. In my experience someone in the grip of Depression can fail to see the impact it has on those (people who are close and supportive) around them.

It sounds like they don’t really know how to help you, cancelling the holiday might be for the best if you’re not in the right place mentally to enjoy it but it seems a bit harsh without speaking to you first

Focus on the friends who are there for you and on feeling well

I think people are being harsh op. You are having a difficult time at the moment and they should of talked to you before they cancelled the holiday. They don’t sound like nice friends to me. I hope you start to feel better soon

3Britnee I agree. This is the first break in 18 months, they’ll want to let their hair down, they won’t want to have to worry about your issues, trying to cheer you up, hoping you’re enjoying yourself etc. It brings everyone down…I hope you get help and begin to feel better soon OP.

@Iheartbaby

I think people are being harsh op. You are having a difficult time at the moment and they should of talked to you before they cancelled the holiday. They don’t sound like nice friends to me. I hope you start to feel better soon

We've only heard her side.

The friends booked a holiday with her in the first place. At this age I don't have a group of friends I can still do that with. They're all scattered and married, etc.

One of them is taking time out to meet OP to discuss today and she said she was thinking of saying something that would upset them.

This has been a dynamic that has lasted years with the OP and depression. We don't know how things have been for the friends.

I don't talk to my friends about my complex PTSD which includes depression.
If I have a dip I just say I'm not well, I'll see them when I'm better.
I don't inflict my problems onto my friends, I see a psychiatrist for that. They are not trained counsellors and have their own problems.
I have another friend who offloads all of her mental health problems onto me and it really drags me down, I just can't cope with it all, I've had to avoid her for most of the year. I've said to her I can't deal with it because I have my own mental health problems but she just doesn't listen.
You have to get professional help for your problems not offload on friends - it isn't fair on them.

I think it was shitty of your friends to cancel without a discussion and that really hurts.

However, I supported my SIL through mental illness for years. At times she was lovely and acknowledged how much help I’d given her and other times she would be very angry that I couldn’t give her more (I was bringing up 3 small children at the time). The rest of her family (including my OH) had backed off. At the time I thought they were really harsh and unfeeling, but after supporting her intensively through a very difficult few months that ended up, unfortunately, with her sectioned, I got it. It was exhausting, relentless and thankless. Whatever I did wasn’t enough- she was ill and I understand that her anger at me was displaced feelings but I grew to dread her phone calls and messages.

She could never see how one-sided and draining the relationship had become and eventually I was just one more person who abandoned her because I couldn’t do it anymore. I still feel guilty ☹️

I suggest you talk to your therapist about how you’re feeling about your relationships at the moment and how let down you feel. This is someone who knows you irl and will be able to help you gently work out your part in this, and whether your perception that you’ve not asked for much and been let down by them is a valid one.

I should add my mothers mental health problems destroyed my entire life, all of our holidays, every single outing. It's utterly exhausting.
You cannot inflict that on other people.
Have you sought medical help, are you on medication. Are you self helping in every way you can.
You have to be proactive and help yourself to get better in any way you can. This is YOUR responsibility not your friends.

I be agree with Diamondinthesky. Severe chronic depression and suicidal thoughts, like the OP has, are the job of a psychiatrist. Speak to them, speak to your GP to get your dosage of your AD's reviewed.

This is not the job for a friend.

The mere harshness of some of the replies to this thread is the reason why I won’t tell anyone about the way I feel. I have anxiety due to ptsd and having undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed two years ago) and I have periods of low mood. The only person I talk to is my dh as he is amazing and wants to support me. But the fact I feel like I can’t confide in my friends and family makes me feel really sad. In my opinion OP lots of people in real life are selfish. Some in particular feel that their problems are severe when in reality it’s just day to day stuff that comes with being an adult. They’re to self involved to think about anyone other than themselves.

@Rinoa86

The mere harshness of some of the replies to this thread is the reason why I won’t tell anyone about the way I feel. I have anxiety due to ptsd and having undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed two years ago) and I have periods of low mood. The only person I talk to is my dh as he is amazing and wants to support me. But the fact I feel like I can’t confide in my friends and family makes me feel really sad. In my opinion OP lots of people in real life are selfish. Some in particular feel that their problems are severe when in reality it’s just day to day stuff that comes with being an adult. They’re to self involved to think about anyone other than themselves.

The irony of this post.

@Rinoa86

The mere harshness of some of the replies to this thread is the reason why I won’t tell anyone about the way I feel. I have anxiety due to ptsd and having undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed two years ago) and I have periods of low mood. The only person I talk to is my dh as he is amazing and wants to support me. But the fact I feel like I can’t confide in my friends and family makes me feel really sad. In my opinion OP lots of people in real life are selfish. Some in particular feel that their problems are severe when in reality it’s just day to day stuff that comes with being an adult. They’re to self involved to think about anyone other than themselves.

That's exactly why friends don't engage.

You've just said other people don't have problems and it is just adult stuff.

There it is right there ... the utter selfishness and inability to see that anyone else can have problems andaways thinking you have it worse.

That is the illness but it is utterly draining for others. I wouldn't want friends with someone who thought any issue I had was just being an adult & I wasn't as bad as them.

The one-upmanship of people with depression is hard. As demonstrated here. No one else is allowed to struggle as we aren't as bad as them.

I’m talking about my friends and their own problems. They moan about housework, lack of sleep, their dh’s being lazy slobbing around the house watching football. I wish that’s all I had to worry about.

And I’ve already said that I don’t talk to my friends and family about my struggles. They constantly tell me their problems and i sit there listen and support them. So what’s the problem? I’m not saying other people don’t struggle far from it but personally I would rather be dealing with what they are day to day than what I am right now.

@Rinoa86

I’m talking about my friends and their own problems. They moan about housework, lack of sleep, their dh’s being lazy slobbing around the house watching football. I wish that’s all I had to worry about.

You don't know that's all they have to worry about. That's the problem. By your own admission you don't tell your friends your issues... most people don't advertise their worst issues

With that attitude...that's all my friends have have worry them, etc it is little wonder people like the OP get in such predicaments and then can't see they did anything wrong.