Friends who aren’t understanding about mental illness

[GRP1980]

I’m in turmoil at the moment trying to stop feeling hurt by how my friends have been. They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes. Without going into too much detail I told them I was feeling quite down and lonely and although one messaged straight away to say she hadn’t realised the others said nothing. One did, 2 days later, ask if I was ok. The third absolutely nothing. It then turns out that they had all spoken and made the decision to cancel a holiday we had booked. This was something I had been the main organiser of in terms of finding the perfect place for us all. I was told by the one of them who hadn’t said anything when I said I was feeling down and there was no explanation except that things hadn’t been the same in the group lately.

From the day I told them I was feeling down to the day the one told me that the holiday was cancelled, I had been in such a dark place, suicidal thoughts at an all time high. It was awful. I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that, the three I thought were my closest friends were discussing without me the decision to cancel our holiday. And there seemed to be no thought about how this may make me feel? Having just told them I was down and lonely… I don’t understand the lack of thought here?

I have tried to explain to them how my illness affects me and I have apologised before if it ever makes me seem ungrateful for their offers of help but sometimes it’s hard fo talk. They have been there in some ways before. I don’t think they are bad people or bad friends. But I can’t cope with how hurt I am by this, I don’t know if I can get over it, or trust them again. I am meant to meet one of them tomorrow to talk about things but I just feel so scared that I’ll say something that will upset them because of how hurt I am.

I told one of my friends about my depression. She was supposed to be my best friend who I saw after 3 years. She didn't give a crap and hurriedly left our lunch date. Haven't spoken to her since and that was 6 years ago.

It's quite sad to read some of the comments on here. Is it that difficult to ask if someone is ok or to say that you're thinking of them? I suffer long term mental illness and I just appreciate a few kind words. I support my friends with their physical ailments ranging from severe migraine to terminal cancer. I definitely don't get the same back from them, but have just learned to accept it. I know if I said I had a physical illness, the reactions would be different.
Please send a text such as: thinking of you, can I get you anything etc. That is all I need.

Tbh, I have about 3 friends who I would drop most things to help out and support. But I couldn't do it simultaneously.

I supported one friend who fell into a deep depression after an accident abroad left her isolated in a hospital where hardly anyone spoke English and having surgery.

Another two friends who've navigated marriage breakdowns, one was cheated on and he left her for the OW, and one who just couldn't deal with married life and has now reconciled things with her DH.

All very different situations but no way could i have offered the support they needed if two problems were happening at the same time.

For me, I've suffered through bulimia and sever anxiety, could I have dealt with someone's issues while dealing with my own? Absolutely not. When DH was suicidal? Nope!

I would hate to think my friends ever felt unimportant to me, but all relationships are give and take.

I do also agree with those who have said that the last 16 months have been very tough on many of us.

I'm fine at the minute but there was a period around December/January where I was really struggling due to external circumstances, I was unable to respond to a relative looking for support as I literally had nothing to give.

For the OP I'd just caution against doing anything dramatic or hasty with regards to these friends until you're in a better place.

House work, lack of sleep and a lazy slob of a DH is what many women here vent about. It's exhausting to be left with it all and makes you feel used and unappreciated. There are so many threads about it.

But @Rinoa86 has the attitude that her friends are lucky this is all her friends have to worry them.

You can't expect sympathy and kindness and time without reciprocating.

Having depression isn’t the same as having things happen in life that are upsetting, frustrating or challenging though. It just isn’t - that’s a fact. That doesn’t mean nobody else is allowed to ever feel upset or annoyed or like they’re struggling, of course they are! But feeling emotions because of external situations is not comparable to having a mental health issue.

@CrouchEndTiger12

House work, lack of sleep and a lazy slob of a DH is what many women here vent about. It's exhausting to be left with it all and makes you feel used and unappreciated. There are so many threads about it.

But @Rinoa86 has the attitude that her friends are lucky this is all her friends have to worry them.

You can't expect sympathy and kindness and time without reciprocating.

So people are allowed to come on here and vent and expect support if they have a useless husband and are sleep deprived but people with MH issues should keep it to themselves so they don’t bring everyone else down? Seems like double standards to me!

No people are allowed to vent on here about whatever they like.

Expecting understanding and care about mental illness and saying of friends you're lucky that's all you have to worry you about their issues is double standards

You misunderstood what I meant.

The OP is complaining her friends aren't sympathetic to her whilst not appearing to say much about what she does for them.

Mental illness or not one sided friendships don't work.

I can understand why you feel hurt, OP. I can also understand why your friends would do this. It's not about good guys and bad guys, just about everyone trying to get by. People can't always give what we want them to give. It doesn't make them villains.

Be kind to yourself, and don't get wound up about your friends. I agree with a pp who said don't confront anyone or end the friendship. Things go in cycles and the friendships may move back into a phase where they are more enjoyable for everyone.

Okay sorry I missed your point @CrouchEndTiger12. I agree friendships need to be five and take and the person with MH issues also needs to be sympathetic to their friends struggles and willing to check in. As I’ve said above, I don’t think it’s much to ask to get a supportive text but that is also something I’m willing to do for my friends (and I do).

Is it that difficult to ask if someone is ok or to say that you're thinking of them?

No, it isn't, but as several pps have pointed out, that's virtually never all it involves, because in the case of the friend I am thinking of in my own life the reply will be a lengthy voice WhatsApp telling me she's suicidal, she's self-harming, her GP is useless, her rabbi is useless, OT and her line manager are useless, all her friends are useless, her neighbours are awful, no one cares and she sees no reason to stay alive.

Ball in my court. I have the choice to either ignore her voice message and wonder if she's cutting her wrists, or I have to find a quiet spot at work, or out of earshot of my young son if at home, because even my end of the conversation is pretty concerning/triggering and I don't want it overheard by a nine year old.

The upshot is then a long monologue in which she, mired in the extreme selfishness that is severe depression, doesn't even seem to recognise she's talking to another human being who also has claims on her time and attention, and dumps a load of incredibly upsetting stuff on me.

The last time it was recovered memories of sexual abuse by her brother in graphic detail. I stopped her and told her I'd been abused as a child myself and that I was sorry that it's a 'club' with far too many members but I don't think she even registered that I was a fellow-child victim, that she was upsetting me, or wondered whether I wanted to hear details. I have contacted a specialist charity that offers free counselling for adult survivors which another friend found very helpful, but she won't engage.

As pps have said, a side effect of depression is complete selfishness and tunnel vision. I have told this friend I've had two gynae surgeries this year and a cancer scare, and 2020 contained some challenging life events even on top of Covid (a move to a different country, leaving a job for another that then evaporated because of Covid, a house purchase falling through, long periods of living in AirBnBs during lockdown), but I have never had a single indication that she has even registered this.

When she rants about no one caring about her, she is apparently unaware that she has someone on the end of the phone who has been listening to her for an hour while trying to make dinner and supervise homework, and who has in the past lent her money, brought her groceries, liaised with her line manager, rabbi etc etc. She continually says that no matter how bad I think I have it, I don't have it as bad as her because I have a husband and a child. Which is realise is her depression speaking, but which is also incredibly insulting.

And it's also the reason she is phoning me I now live in another country because all the genuinely sympathetic colleagues she used to see outside of work have distanced themselves because of her expectations. These are nice, warm, concerned people, who have done a lot for her in the past, but have reached their limit.

And none of us can do what she actually wants, which is someone to rescue her.

I’m talking about my friends and their own problems. They moan about housework, lack of sleep, their dh’s being lazy slobbing around the house watching football. I wish that’s all I had to worry about.

I would say those problems could be fairly big problems, they could be heading towards divorce, selling the family home etc etc, or they could be living with the resentment of feeling unappreciated. Anything could be bubbling under the surface there. If you cant listen to or have any empathy for them why should they listen to you?

OP I am sorry you are feeling the way you are, I have also suffered from a mental illness in the past. That being said, this has been going on for a long time, sometimes people do have to step back a bit to protect thier own mental health and that does not make them bad or selfish or uncaring. Would you be able to drop everything to go to a friend in need right now? Probably not I am guessing.

These are your friends, they are not mental health professionals. It's great that someone has been coming around to help you, but please do seek proper professional help. It's a shame about the holiday but it does sound like it is best for everyone to postpone until you are better.

I have MH issues myself (PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse and anxiety/depression) and I’m also suffering from long Covid now. So I know how lonely it can feel at times, when you feel that no one close to you really understands. But over burdening friends is never right; please be careful how much you burden this friend who is supporting you at the moment.

People can only cope with so much. I’ve learned this myself over the last year. My DH has had to do so much more than previously over the last year since I developed Covid last spring. We have two adopted DDs of 12 and 9, DD1 having SEN on top of this. He was also WFH right through lockdown with our DDs at home and me in bed a lot of the time.

It became too much. In November last year, he fell ill with anxiety and burn-out and had to go off work for two months. He previously had no MH issues, he wasn’t abused as a child and he didn’t have long Covid. But he had too much on his plate and in the end he couldn’t cope anymore.

That taught me an important lesson. I may not be able to do as much as I used to, but I’m careful not to depend on him so much emotionally as I did before. He in turn understands more about what things have been like for me over the years, which he admits he didn’t before.

No one outside our home knows how difficult things have been for us, as we don’t really share it (except with a couple of close friends).

I think it’s very likely that your friends have more going on than you realise, OP. Them cancelling the holiday may have been nothing personal about you at all. (That’s another thing that mental illness can do, it can make you think that everything is about you when it really isn’t.)

I understand how disappointed you feel about the holiday not happening, though, OP.

@TedMullins

Having depression isn’t the same as having things happen in life that are upsetting, frustrating or challenging though. It just isn’t - that’s a fact. That doesn’t mean nobody else is allowed to ever feel upset or annoyed or like they’re struggling, of course they are! But feeling emotions because of external situations is not comparable to having a mental health issue.

You're right, but the support from others is very similar. Plus any event can trigger underlying mental health conditions, whether they were known before hand or not.

@Rinoa86

The mere harshness of some of the replies to this thread is the reason why I won’t tell anyone about the way I feel. I have anxiety due to ptsd and having undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed two years ago) and I have periods of low mood. The only person I talk to is my dh as he is amazing and wants to support me. But the fact I feel like I can’t confide in my friends and family makes me feel really sad. In my opinion OP lots of people in real life are selfish. Some in particular feel that their problems are severe when in reality it’s just day to day stuff that comes with being an adult. They’re to self involved to think about anyone other than themselves.

What a load of shit.

Please read posts from people who explained how draining supporting someone can be. Should people support others at the detriment of their own MH? Is that normal? If you have your issues has it never occurred to you that people have theirs? And it's all relative - you have no right to assume if other people's problems are 'severe' or not.

Sorry you are feeling so down OP.

It sounds like you are very emotionally dependent/over invested in your friends reactions. One incident with friends has you absolutely crushed and you aren't able to brush it off at all. It would help you to be more resilient if you could scaffold yourself a bit, so that no one single thing leaves you so hurt - hobbies, volunteering, different groups of friends, maybe a pet if you could manage one, exercise (preferably with social contact - could you find a running, walking or cycling buddy?).

@Rinoa86

I’m talking about my friends and their own problems. They moan about housework, lack of sleep, their dh’s being lazy slobbing around the house watching football. I wish that’s all I had to worry about.

For many that can be absolutely soul destroying. For SO many it's not big large events that kills people, it's the every day struggle and drudgery

How dare you dismiss other people's problems and expect infinite support for yours.

^Rinoa86

I’m talking about my friends and their own problems. They moan about housework, lack of sleep, their dh’s being lazy slobbing around the house watching football. I wish that’s all I had to worry about.^

*For many that can be absolutely soul destroying. For SO many it's not big large events that kills people, it's the every day struggle and drudgery

How dare you dismiss other people's problems and expect infinite support for yours.*
Absolutely agree with frangi here, I'm actually quite astounded at the responses from some posters who seem to be so angry at their friends for not providing the exact response and 100% attention 24/7 and how selfish is it of them to consider any part of their own life.

Indeed@MichelleScarn

As someone rightly pointed out earlier, depression and suicide are for psychologists to deal with, not friends. And yea the NHS can be shit but that doesn't mean anyone you choose that day should plug the gap in that support

"The mere harshness of some of the replies to this thread is the reason why I won’t tell anyone about the way I feel."

That post by Rino is really insulting and way off the mark.

No one said anything of the sort. I certainly didn't.

Many of us support friends with all kind of woes, problems, anxiety and feeling miserable. I do.
But severe depression and suicidal thought are not minor. And need professional support and care.

How you can dispute that baffles me.