Friends who aren’t understanding about mental illness

[GRP1980]

I’m in turmoil at the moment trying to stop feeling hurt by how my friends have been. They have been aware for a few years that I’ve struggled with depression, very badly at times, and that this comes and goes. Without going into too much detail I told them I was feeling quite down and lonely and although one messaged straight away to say she hadn’t realised the others said nothing. One did, 2 days later, ask if I was ok. The third absolutely nothing. It then turns out that they had all spoken and made the decision to cancel a holiday we had booked. This was something I had been the main organiser of in terms of finding the perfect place for us all. I was told by the one of them who hadn’t said anything when I said I was feeling down and there was no explanation except that things hadn’t been the same in the group lately.

From the day I told them I was feeling down to the day the one told me that the holiday was cancelled, I had been in such a dark place, suicidal thoughts at an all time high. It was awful. I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that, the three I thought were my closest friends were discussing without me the decision to cancel our holiday. And there seemed to be no thought about how this may make me feel? Having just told them I was down and lonely… I don’t understand the lack of thought here?

I have tried to explain to them how my illness affects me and I have apologised before if it ever makes me seem ungrateful for their offers of help but sometimes it’s hard fo talk. They have been there in some ways before. I don’t think they are bad people or bad friends. But I can’t cope with how hurt I am by this, I don’t know if I can get over it, or trust them again. I am meant to meet one of them tomorrow to talk about things but I just feel so scared that I’ll say something that will upset them because of how hurt I am.

It’s just the nothing, the not checking in on me, the not really seeming to bother with me

Are you checking in? Are you bothering with them?
It takes 2 to communicate, maybe they're waiting for you to text and see how they are?

Is there anyone else you could have a holiday with? Maybe they assumed you wouldn't want to go. Maybe they are desperate for a fun holiday and feel that that is not what you are able to offer right now. Maybe making reference to loneliness felt like a criticism to them and they are not in the right frame of mind to deal with it. Maybe one or more of them has her own mental health issues and doesn't have the reserves to respond to yours too. I would maintain the professional support and see your friends as purely a social outlet for awhile.

It's tough OP.
I had one friend who i thought of as less close who has been through similar mental health issues who was amazing, messaging regularly to check I was ok and coming over after work until the early hours. And while I was going through all of that,
This other friend who stepped in has taken a lot if responsibility already checking in, staying late at night, it's a lot to expect.
I think you're probably more dependent than you are aware of the 3 friends.
I think you need to lower your expectations of help.

"they’ve cancelled the holiday they knew I was looking forward to 2 days after I said I felt low and lonely"

That must have been so disappointing. It does sound like they are just not able to cope with a holiday at the moment. Could you contact them and suggest something like going for dinner together one night, or a walk and picnic?

OP I mean this kindly but you aren't really listening to previous replies.

You say you haven't really told your friends the extent of your MH issues but - as other people have said - maybe they also have their own issues that you don't know about. You're making huge assumptions that their lives are hunkydory and you are the only one who needs support. Right now a lot of people are struggling one way or another. Are you calling them to check how they are?

I think you need to let go of the holiday. Going on holiday with people is a big decision and a big commitment. It's supposed to be fun and relaxing for everyone and nobody should go unless they really want to. For whatever reason your friends don't want to go on this holiday - are you really expecting your friends to go on a holiday they don't want to go on, just because you want them to? If that's your expectation it's a HUGE ask and not very reasonable.

There could be a million reasons why they don't want to go holiday. It could be (as I mentioned above) that they are struggling with issues of their own and don't want to go for that reason. It could be covid-related. It could be that they don't want to put pressure on you. Its probably best not to speculate as your mind is likely to go to the worst possible reason. And the reason is irrelevant really - if they don't want to go, they don't want to go and if you're really their friend you need to accept that.

Sorry but this whole ‘haven’t got the capacity to support friends with mental health issues’ is utter bullshit. I’ve got zero time for this and people who subscribe to it. If someone is having a severe episode then yes, of course that’s the time to advise them to seek professional, medical help, but if someone’s a friend, how hard is it to send a text asking how they are? It literally takes 30 seconds. I have pretty severe MH issues myself (managed very well by medication) but I have never felt that this reduced my capacity to reach out to someone else in need. I’m clearly very lucky that my friends do message me when they know I’m feeling down because it seems many people don’t think they have any responsibility to. And I guess that’s true, you’re not responsible for your friends and you don’t owe them anything, but what a miserable, self-centred attitude. That isn’t my understanding of friendship at all! I do hope none of these people ever need help.

OP, YANBU. They’ve been really thoughtless. It likely isn’t malicious but rather cluelessness, but still, it’s not rocket science to see what they did is hurtful.

This other friend who stepped in has taken a lot if responsibility already checking in, staying late at night, it's a lot to expect.

I disagree. I’d do this for an acquaintance in crisis! For a close friend they wouldn’t even have to ask. I can think of two friends immediately who I know would have me come and stay with them if I was feeling down too.

I agree with you OP that your friends responses have been a bit rubbish. What pp have said is true about how you don't know what else people have going on. And they cannot give all the support that a depressed person needs. But from what you have said it doesn't sound like you have been overburdening them. I'm not surprised by your feeling hurt I would too and I don't think your friends are very good ones to be honest. Cancelling you holiday without speaking to you is mean and not supportive. All of the public messaging in recent years tells People to teach out and tell someone they are depressed and sadly there isn't a lot of recognition that for a whole host of reasons their reactions can sometimes make you feel worse. On the plus side you have external help in place and some other less close friends who have stepped up. I'd focus on them and your recovery and distance yourself from this unhelpful group. It doesn't sound like a good dynamic in the group and you can't really go back to how it was before you told them. Good luck with your recovery 💐

You say you’re meeting one of these 3 to talk about things. Do you mean to talk about why they cancelled the holiday?

It struck me that they probably weren’t conspiring to hurt you by talking amongst themselves then deciding to cancel but trying to make a decision from putting pressure on you. I don’t know, only they do, but it seems really unlikely they did it to upset or reject you. Holidays and all the stuff around them can be quite stressful as much as they’re something too look forward to and if you were saying you were low and struggling maybe they thought they were taking some of your load off you by cancelling.

They must have said something when they told you?

If you’re not ready to meet with the one tomorrow and think it’ll turn unpleasant because of how you’re feeling then postpone. Saying hurtful things to her isn’t going to help maintain the relationship.

None of us on here can know their motivations but if you care for them and feel they have cared for you then don’t assume malice when it may be misguided kindness or a misunderstanding.

So sorry. From another point of view I had a friend with depression I had to distance myself from. I’m not proud of myself and I j ow I am a bad person. It was absolutely not her fault but every time spent every phone call etc was just total negativity. I had a lot of problems going in myself at the time and I just couldn’t deal with being brought down any further. I didn’t dislike or blame her but I just couldn’t deal. I’m telling you this so you know it will be them not you and it doesn’t mean they don’t care just that sometimes they are just not in a position to help.

@TedMullins

This other friend who stepped in has taken a lot if responsibility already checking in, staying late at night, it's a lot to expect.

I disagree. I’d do this for an acquaintance in crisis! For a close friend they wouldn’t even have to ask. I can think of two friends immediately who I know would have me come and stay with them if I was feeling down too.

It’s a privilege to be able to do that. We all have different responsibilities and not everyone can drop everything else they need to do and everyone else they need to look after for a friend, never mind an acquaintance.

Checking in by message is one thing but late night in-person support isn’t something most people can offer at the drop of a hat.

Sorry but this whole ‘haven’t got the capacity to support friends with mental health issues’ is utter bullshit. I’ve got zero time for this and people who subscribe to it. If someone is having a severe episode then yes, of course that’s the time to advise them to seek professional, medical help, but if someone’s a friend, how hard is it to send a text asking how they are? It literally takes 30 seconds

But people with MH issues need more than a box ticking 'how are you' text. What happens if they said "I feel awful, suicidal" - nothing? Because a text was sent?

As I said I supported one person for 10 years and it utterly drained me to the point where I was living in a very low and lonely place myself but couldn't speak up because that's not really the done thing when you are someone else's support.
I do NOT have the capacity to do anything like that all over again, it would trigger and break me. Do I not matter as well? Yes I do. Would my unwillingness to help beyond a chat make me a bad person? No it doesn't.

I have every sympathy for people who struggle with MH, but it can be physically draining. And people on those places can, understandably, be very centered on themselves. It's too hard a place for me to delve into again

Groups are difficult, dynamics can complicate relationships. Not everyone is able to support others struggling with mental health or other serious issues. The responses on this thread are staggering self centred , I expect the same people who say that what your friends have done is fine are those tweeting #bekind. Depression is shit, depression kills, recurrent depression is awful. I just wonder if your friends would be more sympathetic if they knew who unwell you are, personally I wouldn't want to risk telling them to find out. Supporting someone isn't easy and neither is reaching out for help.

Are you sure the holiday cancelling was related to what you told them? Could have been various reasons. I think its flaky though and they should have spoken to you first. They sound more like 'fun times' friends than supportive friends tbh, some ppl are just that way. Its disappointing though.

I can think of two friends immediately who I know would have me come and stay with them if I was feeling down too

Well good for you but I am a single mum with 2 kids and a stressful job. I wouldn't be able to do that. You MUST realise not everyone is in the same situation as you?

Also OP It sounds like your sensitivity is heightened, and I don't blame you, you're in a tough place and feel betrayed. So go in with a thick skin when you meet your friend, your emotions will be heightened and so try your best to listen and and articulate well how you feel. Good luck

It's really difficult because being around somebody who is in the throes of depression is utterly draining. I can fully appreciate why they decided the holiday wasn't something they wanted to go on.

I don't have the capacity to be all there for somebody who's low without it affecting my own wellbeing, so I'm not. I'll offer practical support but I'm not the one to come to if someone wants to complain without wanting to do anything to help themselves.

But you don't have to be going to someone's house after work until the early hours in order to be sympathetic towards their situation.

It can be really hard supporting someone with mental health issues, particularly when you’re struggling yourself, as so many people have been this year. I manage someone who has anxiety and depression and have always done my best to support her and to be someone she can talk to about it. She’s been really up and down for years and needs a lot of emotional support. The last year I’ve been feeling so emotionally drained by life and have found myself becoming resentful at having to try to keep her afloat mentally when I’m only just managing to do that for myself.

Perhaps your friends are just not in a place where they can support you right now. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Or speak to them and find out.

Supporting someone with mental health issues is exhausting. It's certainly not something I would want to do on holiday. Even if this involved a good friend. I'm not horrible or unsympathetic, but I have my own stress and worries and I could t face a holiday like that. Maybe your friends need a holiday to be fun and relaxing as they have other stresses in their daily lives?

I think your expectations are totally unrealistic. I think it would be very draining to be your friend.
I am very caring and empathetic, but in the end if someone doesn't help themselves, by counselling, or seeing their GP for help, eg AD's, and without deep analysis to work on your core issues, chronic anxiety and lack of self esteem, there is little any friend can do.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I can think of two friends immediately who I know would have me come and stay with them if I was feeling down too

Well good for you but I am a single mum with 2 kids and a stressful job. I wouldn't be able to do that. You MUST realise not everyone is in the same situation as you?

Sure not everyone can offer physical or practical support but I stand by it that sending a text to check in with someone takes 30 seconds

Did you tell them you were looking forward to the holiday? If you just said to them that you were feeling low right before you were due to go on holiday they might have thought that you didn’t want to go but were too polite to say.

Maybe try to be a little clearer with your friends about what you want from them. “I’m feeling a bit low at the moment but I’m looking forward to our holiday as having company really helps” or “I’m struggling a bit at the moment and I’d really appreciate catching up with you or going for a coffee some time this week if you’re free”.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Sorry but this whole ‘haven’t got the capacity to support friends with mental health issues’ is utter bullshit. I’ve got zero time for this and people who subscribe to it. If someone is having a severe episode then yes, of course that’s the time to advise them to seek professional, medical help, but if someone’s a friend, how hard is it to send a text asking how they are? It literally takes 30 seconds

But people with MH issues need more than a box ticking 'how are you' text. What happens if they said "I feel awful, suicidal" - nothing? Because a text was sent?

As I said I supported one person for 10 years and it utterly drained me to the point where I was living in a very low and lonely place myself but couldn't speak up because that's not really the done thing when you are someone else's support.
I do NOT have the capacity to do anything like that all over again, it would trigger and break me. Do I not matter as well? Yes I do. Would my unwillingness to help beyond a chat make me a bad person? No it doesn't.

I have every sympathy for people who struggle with MH, but it can be physically draining. And people on those places can, understandably, be very centered on themselves. It's too hard a place for me to delve into again

What about if everyone around you was unwilling to help you beyond a chat though? Sometimes it is that ‘how are you’ text that can make all the difference. I’m not disputing people also need to help themselves and friends can’t provide actual therapy, but I do wonder what all these ‘I can’t help anyone else’ people would do if they were in a crisis themselves and everyone around them took the same approach.

I wouldn't want to risk a holiday with someone who might be in the grip of a bad depressive episode either, sorry.

But they should have told you first. It would have been kinder.

Please don't feel bad Smokeymirror we get to choose how and who we spend out free time with. If you need friends who are happy and a welcome distraction from normal life, I think that's fine. We aren't responsible for another humans happiness and we get to choose who are friends are x