Aibu to keep my dd off on sports day

[Goldenfan]

Hi,

My dd who is nearly 8 has autism. She has her struggles in school and does cry a lot there.

The last couple of sports days I have attended (pre covid) she has basically cried the whole time. She was even running the races crying.
I was there to reassure her but its difficult to comfort her anyway. School still made her take part.

This year no parents are allowed due to covid. I won't be there to encourage.

Part of me thinks she is in desperate need of resilience building and what better way than to do things you may not like. She can also often cry to get out of things she needs to do...eg tidy up. I don't want to single her out and school are unsupportive of her needs so would not agree to this or for her to sit out.

Dd cries anyway in school so is this any different? She does very little actual exercise but is healthy.

I'm in two minds. If I was there to watch I could support her and pull her out if she was really struggling. I hate the thought of her sat crying throughout.

Has anyone got a child that skips this sort of thing. Should I be encouraging participation.

Thanks

I'd let her skip it. Sports Day is hell on earth for so many kids. Just public humiliation and that's without autism. I have autism and dyspraxia and it was awful for me.

My 13 year old is staying off during sports day. He’s not very good at anything like this and the secondary kids are BRUTAL. I’d absolutely keep your child off.

I think if there are no parents watching this year there will be much less pressure on her, it will be more like a normal PE lesson. Maybe this year would be good for her to have another go but without everyone watching?

Sports days are great if you good at sport but awful if you're not.

No one would force someone who was bad a maths to do mental arithmetic in front of the whole school.

The most concerning thing in your post is that the school is unsupportive of her needs. For that alone, I would let her sit it out.

I wish my parents had done this! They were very much of the “try your best” but I had no “best” I was just crap. Even at primary age I knew it. I also thought it was pointless to be made to do something I was crap at. Keep her off.

One year my DD (she was at primary at the time) brought down her art easel and stuck paper to it and proceeded to give me a presentation on why she should be able to skip sports day the next day. She had a pointer and everything! It lasted a good 10 minutes

After all that effort I couldn’t turn down her request. There will be many many more opportunities for your DD to build resilience. It doesn’t need to be this sports day. I’d let her skip it.

@candyflossss yes unfortunately its an on going battle with school.

Its true actually, why are children made to do sports day and not a math (or other) day in front of an audience?
The kids are able to sit out (or hide at the back) of the school plays so why do school force participation in sports day so much. Its bizarre.

I would skip it.
But her behaviour is simply not ok. She's clearly not coping. No child should be crying all the time. What is her ASD consultant recommending? What is the Senco doing? What have you put in place to help her, help her organise herself, her her cope. What coping strategies has she been taught. Has she a TA allocated to her.

This is just simply not ok. Have you addressed the fact she isn't coping. If the school aren't supportive have you already made arrangements to move her?

Under these circs I'd let her off if that's what she wants - whilst looking for a school that is less awful

Yanbu

Personally I’d let her skip it. I think school sports days can be genuinely horrible experiences for non-sporty NT children, let alone non-sporty neurodiverse children.

@PeakyPaula

Sports days are great if you good at sport but awful if you're not.

No one would force someone who was bad a maths to do mental arithmetic in front of the whole school.

That’s not strictly true though is it. My son with lots of learning needs is regularly asked to complete writing tasks beyond his ability and often given consequences of not finishing the task.

I’m on the fence about keeping her off, if she cries in school anyway is this just worse because you normally have to witness if? How does she cope with PE in general.

Definitely let her have the day off.
When my DDs were in secondary school we always did their eye tests that day so they were 'legitimately' skiving 😆

Let her stay home. What will it teach her to be forced to participate in an activity where she has no chance of success and will only serve to make her feel bad. It would be something else if the school included an activity that she might enjoy or might help her bond with her classmates. But no, I'm sure it's the usual run/jump malarkey.

I would keep her off in a heartbeat.

I have an autistic child who hates sports day - in reception he was genuinely trying to garotte himself with a skipping rope in the first activity so he could go to hospital instead of having to stay. I removed him, sobbing, to a quiet corner of the field until the amazing headteacher came over and invited him to be the official “timer”. He loves numbers so he absolutely lit up, trotted off with a proffered stop watch and got his medal at the end for doing a great job timing everyone. Still hates sports day, so school now make him timer every year. I loved that headteacher for her genuinely inclusive and caring attitude and that she knew my child so well. It can be done and it doesn’t cost much. Why can’t every school do that.

In your situation I’d absolutely keep her home. And think about changing school to one prepared to meet her needs.

@Oblomov21 I'm doing everything I possibly can to support my dd. In my area (and I'm sure in most areas) support for children with additional needs is poor and underfunded.

I'm fighting with everything I have with professionals and school but I can't force support or help to be there.

I would love for her to move school but she absolutely would not cope with this and she would not be eligible for a special school place.

It took 4 years for us to even get seen by a consultant and at the moment the only contact we have with anyone related to her needs is a feeding play worker which will end in 2 weeks and has been over zoom. We have been discharged from community peads because they is 'nothing they can do for her'. I don't know what else i can do really.
I know another child in my area who recently got his diagnosis at age 8 and then got discharged and basically sent on his way with his label as there is no services anymore.

Sorry if you've tried this but could you ask that she helps with setting up races or something instead of participating in them? A boy in DD's year did this every sports day due to his disability. He felt included and helpful but didn't need to actually race

A lot depends on the style of the sports day - some are not that different to a PE lesson, with a circuit of different activities. It may be that she'll cope better without you there - there won't be that feeling that "mummy will see me crying and rescue me".

I might be inclined to mention that she struggles with sports day, and you hope they'll do what they can to help her participate at her level and get something out of it. (Phrasing it that way may pander to their feeling that she shouldn't be allowed to sit it out, and perhaps make them more amenable to some adjustments.) As deadleaf describes, if they were so inclined, there are ways to make it a very positive experience.

Mine was always terrible at sports day, but was able to accept that one day of coming last in everything wasn't the end of the world.
The only year I pulled her out was at secondary, because she was having her worst hayfever day of the year, and being on a freshly-mown field all afternoon was not going to help!

@Goldenfan

Hi,

My dd who is nearly 8 has autism. She has her struggles in school and does cry a lot there.

The last couple of sports days I have attended (pre covid) she has basically cried the whole time. She was even running the races crying.
I was there to reassure her but its difficult to comfort her anyway. School still made her take part.

This year no parents are allowed due to covid. I won't be there to encourage.

Part of me thinks she is in desperate need of resilience building and what better way than to do things you may not like. She can also often cry to get out of things she needs to do...eg tidy up. I don't want to single her out and school are unsupportive of her needs so would not agree to this or for her to sit out.

Dd cries anyway in school so is this any different? She does very little actual exercise but is healthy.

I'm in two minds. If I was there to watch I could support her and pull her out if she was really struggling. I hate the thought of her sat crying throughout.

Has anyone got a child that skips this sort of thing. Should I be encouraging participation.

Thanks

Hey OP, sports is often used as a miserable stick to beat kids with if they don't enjoy it under the banner of resilience or trying it whatever. I hated school sport but left to my own devices I've been a PT and loved every sport under the sun since school! School sport made me feel frumpy, unsporty & miserable. We all have our own style of engaging with sports, fitness & exercise and school sport is excruciating to many of us including your daughter. I'd definitely keep her off!!

My 9 year old with autism didn’t attend sports day nor photo day. My girl can’t handle it and the meltdowns that follow when she gets home go on for hours.

I didn’t ask the school I told the school she wasn’t attending and the reasons why and they were fine about it.

Let her go. There's nothing to lose and the faint chance of gain.

Maybe facing it on her own will be different and she'll enjoy it more.

If not, then change tactics next year.

Not unreasonable at all. Kids are cruel at times. Keep her off and have a lovely day with her ❤️

I would allow your child to skip it if the school is unsupportive. I loathed sports and was rubbish at them. Every year I skived off sick and got away with it because I was the class swot and volunteered for so many other things.

When I was 14 I had this conversation with the sports teacher:-

teacher: you dont like sports do you member?

me: no miss, Im rubbish at it and I dont see the point

teacher: you cant go through life just avoiding the things you dont like

me: look miss, I cant be good at everything. Im top of the class in 5 academic subjects. Its those Im going to be putting down on application forms when I look for work. Im going into the civil service or one of the professions. Im not aiming to be a sports teacher

teacher: your a cheeky girl

me: no miss, you asked me a question and I answered you.

That sums up my attitude to sport. My sister followed me to the same school. She was very sporty but not in the least academic. She was not happy there.