Aibu to keep my dd off on sports day

[Goldenfan]

Hi,

My dd who is nearly 8 has autism. She has her struggles in school and does cry a lot there.

The last couple of sports days I have attended (pre covid) she has basically cried the whole time. She was even running the races crying.
I was there to reassure her but its difficult to comfort her anyway. School still made her take part.

This year no parents are allowed due to covid. I won't be there to encourage.

Part of me thinks she is in desperate need of resilience building and what better way than to do things you may not like. She can also often cry to get out of things she needs to do...eg tidy up. I don't want to single her out and school are unsupportive of her needs so would not agree to this or for her to sit out.

Dd cries anyway in school so is this any different? She does very little actual exercise but is healthy.

I'm in two minds. If I was there to watch I could support her and pull her out if she was really struggling. I hate the thought of her sat crying throughout.

Has anyone got a child that skips this sort of thing. Should I be encouraging participation.

Thanks

@edwinbear

I think if there are no parents watching this year there will be much less pressure on her, it will be more like a normal PE lesson. Maybe this year would be good for her to have another go but without everyone watching?

This

Let her skip it. My ds had a miserable time with sport at primary school and it wrecked his confidence. Don't let her be made equally miserable.

I'm a teacher.

I say keep her off.

How I wish my parents had done so when I was a kid. I constantly have this conversation with our PE teachers at work - they simply need to understand just how much some children hate PE, and why.

It bugs the hell out of me because the ones born with long legs who win races get medals, yet for the subject I teach which is academic, people feel the need to be quiet when they do well so as not to upset others. This is a double standard that needs to be challenged so I say keep her off OP

@memberofthewedding

I would allow your child to skip it if the school is unsupportive. I loathed sports and was rubbish at them. Every year I skived off sick and got away with it because I was the class swot and volunteered for so many other things.

When I was 14 I had this conversation with the sports teacher:-

teacher: you dont like sports do you member?

me: no miss, Im rubbish at it and I dont see the point

teacher: you cant go through life just avoiding the things you dont like

me: look miss, I cant be good at everything. Im top of the class in 5 academic subjects. Its those Im going to be putting down on application forms when I look for work. Im going into the civil service or one of the professions. Im not aiming to be a sports teacher

teacher: your a cheeky girl

me: no miss, you asked me a question and I answered you.

That sums up my attitude to sport. My sister followed me to the same school. She was very sporty but not in the least academic. She was not happy there.

You were that academic but you hadn’t managed the difference between your and you’re???

YANBU. My son is autistic. Sports day has been a struggle for years. Years reception - year 2 were a write off. We went to watch which makes it worse for him and his anxiety. They let him leave early. . Year 3 was fine, last year covid and this year no parents which is a shame but he took part with no probs. Do what you think is best!

Keep her off and enjoy your day. I think children have been resilient enough this past year or so.

My Mum let me down in so many ways, but I remember the year that she let me skip Sports Day and it was such a relief. I was about 7.

I wish I'd taken our DD out for sports day. It was appalling and she doesn't have autism to consider.

Go with your gut. If it makes her unhappy, why force her?

I do struggle with the culture that places such a high value on sporting achievement, yet rarely celebrates achievements in science, technology or engineering for example.

I wish that more people celebrated the unbelievable achievements of the scientists and medics who have produced a wold leading vaccine in the way that they cheer for Football team who made it to a semi final.

Sadly, I fear, this is reflected in many schools. I am not having a go at PE. It is important that children are encouraged to kit fit and healthy - to eat well and exercise regularly. Why does it always have to be about competition?

Def let her skip it, I don't even know her and it makes me very sad to think she cried during races last time.

Quite honestly, if she's that desperately unhappy in school, should she be in a mainstream at all? Has she been assessed by sensory specialist OTs and a good SLT? And does she have an EHCP?

I have 2 kids with ASD dx, and have had them both privately and NHS assessed. NHS varies from excellent, to pointless, depending on specialism. There's no ongoing OT for autism here, but there is decent initial assessment - no recommendations that could cost the state any money, natch, but they do offer testing and assessment. Privately - you get amazing reports, with top notch people (not always the most expensive, either) and if it's an EHCP suitable one you can get cancellation slots, as they appear as expert witnesses and Tribunals get cancelled all the time a handful of weeks ahead. And they minutely specify what the child needs in such reports, which means you can then force the LA to provide it.

I don't rate the NAS schools. Agreed provision nationally is very poor, but it does exist, and there are some excellent ones, too. Admittedly, easier with boys, but I know of a few that are great with girls as well.

My eldest has severe trauma from mainstream. I knew better with my younger. We borrowed the money necessary, and I would do it over and over again to achieve the change in them that better provision has. It's been life-changing. I am just very sad I didn't know enough when my son was diagnosed to know how to help him better. I thought the system would swing into place. Ha! What a dream that would have been.

They need peers like themselves to have any sense that they're not weird, just different. There are only a handful of specialist schools that serve able, anxious, gentle autistic kids, but they do exist. They are out there. And so are experts, if you are willing and able to fund travel (or willing to travel to them) who can make recommendations that stop EHCPs being chocolate teapots.

Provision is massively variable and crying every day at school wouldn’t necessarily get you anywhere - here you’d actually have to damage a person or property to even be in with a tiny chance of funded specialist provision. Plus, the specialist provision for ASC kids with normal academic abilities is piss poor, possibly outside a few NAS schools.

LAs don't offer generally offer provision here either, I should agree with that! But 94% of parents win at Tribunals. I literally know nobody who reached one who has lost. If you can evidence the needs, then you will get the provision. And an EHCP is enforceable. A My Plan is in the gift of the school. It's worthless, in my experience, and just tick-boxy.

YANBU

I’ve already decided I will keep my kids off if they hate sports days

I am sure I read a very similar thread last year about this?

My child ended up in a&e with asthma attacks on sports day two times because she felt pressure she do more than she should. The school made the problem worse not better. We stopped letting her attend. I take the day off work and we do something fun.

My ds has asd and dyspraxia and skipped it for about 4 years until he left primary. Sports day is supposed to be fun, it left him feeling like shit. It was a no brainer for us to let him miss that one day a year.

But what does keeping her off really do other then let her know if she cries she gets what she wants, yes sports days are crap but as no one is watching they would be more like Pe, would you pull her out every pe day too? Or every time she gets a subject she does not like?

@Dddccc you clearly have no idea about autism

@Dddccc

But what does keeping her off really do other then let her know if she cries she gets what she wants, yes sports days are crap but as no one is watching they would be more like Pe, would you pull her out every pe day too? Or every time she gets a subject she does not like?

If she was neurotypical then I'd agree. But this child is ASD which you clearly know nothing about.

I always keep my son off school on sports day. He has ASD and hates PE, let alone a whole day of competitive sport. The other kids can make comments that bother him and it really it hell for him. He is 15 now, those yearly migraines always come about at this time of year!

Hi @sleeponeday I'm not sure what your acronyms mean (NAS?) and how I would go about getting private support. Please could you advise if you don't mind. It would be really helpful as I feel we have been massively let down by the nhs.

My dd is academically average and is actually really scared and anxious to break the rules at school so is a bit of a yes child at school and the teachers find her easy as she will just do as she's told without question and is quite quiet and keeps herself to herself. So they won't see the need for an ehcp and we don't have one.

The senco basically told me that there is nothing "wrong" with my dd after spending 10 minutes with her.
She later gave all the dc award certificates like little miss crafty, little mr sporty and little miss princess, all the kids came running out with them excited and happily showing them off......my dd got little miss emotional. (I cried secretly in the car that day).