Aibu to keep my dd off on sports day

[Goldenfan]

Hi,

My dd who is nearly 8 has autism. She has her struggles in school and does cry a lot there.

The last couple of sports days I have attended (pre covid) she has basically cried the whole time. She was even running the races crying.
I was there to reassure her but its difficult to comfort her anyway. School still made her take part.

This year no parents are allowed due to covid. I won't be there to encourage.

Part of me thinks she is in desperate need of resilience building and what better way than to do things you may not like. She can also often cry to get out of things she needs to do...eg tidy up. I don't want to single her out and school are unsupportive of her needs so would not agree to this or for her to sit out.

Dd cries anyway in school so is this any different? She does very little actual exercise but is healthy.

I'm in two minds. If I was there to watch I could support her and pull her out if she was really struggling. I hate the thought of her sat crying throughout.

Has anyone got a child that skips this sort of thing. Should I be encouraging participation.

Thanks

I’d be tempted to try and encourage her to do it this year. It might be a good opportunity to experience it without the pressure of being watched by all the parent’s. She might not hate it as much without that pressure 🤷‍♀️

What I think some people miss with the whole “resilience” and “doing things they don’t like” thing is that for some children it isn’t a case of “not liking it”. I didn’t “like” sports - it was usually cold/hot/wet, too much effort and boring. Sports day was boring and I usually came last. I understand why I was made to do it and I’d probably make my kids do the same in that position.

My autistic child started worrying about sports day roundabout Easter time. Lying awake for hours or having nightmares or winding themselves into utter hysteria about it. It took a few years of being “timer” before he relaxed that no one would force him to do anything. It’s not a case of “not liking it”, he’s genuinely petrified of being in front of an audience of adults, as he perceives it “shouting and telling him off” (“Go on X, come on Y” etc) and having to do things his motor skills difficulty means he physically can’t do. It’s roughly equivalent to telling me, an adult with a fear of heights and insects, that I have to do a sky dive in a suit full of wasps because we all have to do things we don’t like and be resilient….

Keep her off. There are kinder ways to build resilience. Sports day is brutal for lots of kids.

Can you write a note about an injury so that she can’t compete but let her go to school?
But if watching wouldn’t work for her, I would also keep her off.

I don't believe you can build this kind of resilience in an ASD child. My ASD daughter hated sports day, just like she hated assembly's, the dinner hall, playtime and the school bell. She never ever got used to them, she just got better at disguising her distress. She masks, and putting her continually in these situations in the hope that she'd get used to things just created a situation where she masked for so long that she suffered an autistic burnout and had to come out of education for a long time.

Pull your child out of sports day , I think it's kinder.

And don't think you wouldn't get a specialist school or that your child wouldn't be eligible. My daughter was diagnosed aged 8 then immediately discharged with no help. School did their best but it wasn't the best environment for her. I started a parent led EHCP and she now attends alternate specialist provision in a wonderful school.

Best of luck

Your battles sound like mine OP. I moved my dd 9 to a new school in the hope she would be better jn a smaller school plus the senco support looked great but in reality nothing has changed. The school don't seem to have a clue about ASD and the senco team seem to have washed their hands of my dd. They don't want to do an ehcp as they don't think she will get one so I plan to do myself. All in all it's hard work !!

Stay at home but in the spirit of the day could you plan a day of sports or activities that your daughter likes, can you take her to a trampoline park or swimming pool, on a scooter or bike rider or a run/walk in the woods? Might be a good message that whilst sports aren't important, personal fitness is?

@PeakyPaula

Sports days are great if you good at sport but awful if you're not.

No one would force someone who was bad a maths to do mental arithmetic in front of the whole school.

This is soooo true^

Also if she's ASD and is attending a mainstream setting then she's already got resilience in fucking spades.

Eventually she'll stop crying in these situations but that won't be because she can deal with it easier, it'll be because she's masking or shutting down. So you'll have a kid behaving perfectly at school at the detriment of her mental health.

Expecting some ASD kids to cope with sports day at all is abusive. Genuinely. It can cause genuine psychiatric injury. Expecting a child who has sobbed her way through every previous one to cope without parental support.. keep her home. Please.

You don't build resilience in an autistic child by forcing them through trauma. You don't build resilience for ANYONE by forcing them through trauma. Challenge needs to be appropriate and calibrated, so the child can manage and gain confidence - not so great it breaks them.

@lollipoprainbow

Your battles sound like mine OP. I moved my dd 9 to a new school in the hope she would be better jn a smaller school plus the senco support looked great but in reality nothing has changed. The school don't seem to have a clue about ASD and the senco team seem to have washed their hands of my dd. They don't want to do an ehcp as they don't think she will get one so I plan to do myself. All in all it's hard work !!

We did this. Exactly this.

We got the EHCP - and for my second child, too.

It's soul destroying, but you are doing completely the right thing.

I'd keep her off. My 11 year old DD is in tears every night at the moment because she's so scared about sports day. Not about winning or losing but because she says she always comes last in the races and she hates the attention on her. Even if it's people supporting her and cheering her on, she just can't cope with the attention on her and it's worrying her so much.

I work with a lot of children with autism in my mainstream school. Mostly for them it's about helping them to manage anxieties. I would never make them take part in sports day. There are too many stress factors, the change of timetable, noise, crowds, people observing, a new set of rules for every activity, feeling hot and over heated, not knowing where you are meant to be.
I cannot imagine what the criteria would be for making them do it unless you were thinking they would want to be a professional sports person? Schools have a duty to make 'reasonable adjustments' for SEN, if they don't then I would definitely opt out. Too much stress for no good reason!

I'm not sure making her do sports day would actually build resilience.
I think resilience is more bound up in confidence so spending more time doing things she's great at will make her feel good about herself and build resilience.

Absolutely take her out. It's different if the school is supportive and would adapt things for her but it sounds like its not going to build resilience its just going to traumatise her

Wouldn't hesitate. I like the idea of doing something active together instead. For what it's worth my NT DD hated sports at primary and was always last/got upset. Now at secondary she's really enjoying it. I think there's a tendency to think of primary school being quite touchy feely/ supportive and secondary school being scary but in our experience (DS is autistic) secondary has been much kinder/happier for both DCs.

Also if she's ASD and is attending a mainstream setting then she's already got resilience in fucking spades.

This.

Schools bang on about “resilience” because it’s the latest bullshit neoliberal buzzword but anyone with half a brain knows you don’t build a child’s resilience by subjecting them to humiliation, anxiety and sensory overload. Your DD’s teachers should be making sure she isn’t put in this sort of position. I’d keep my autistic DC off in a heartbeat in that situation - YANBU at all (and you sound like a lovely mum )

Part of me thinks she is in desperate need of resilience building and what better way than to do things you may not like.

For goodness sake, that's not how people develop so-called resilience. You don't create a "resilient" child by breaking them, same as you don't create a confident child by putting them down.

I kept dd1 off in year 2. She was an unfortunate combination of competitive self conscious and also one of the youngest in the year so came visibly last in everything and she was mortified. We live next to the school so we pointed ignored the shouting and yelling and had a reading day. Dont regret it. She’s found her sport as a teen - not athletics 😁

I would let her stay at home. As someone who was ‘forced’ to participate in events of this nature when younger, I’ve never forgotten that feeling of dread and humiliation.

She’s 8. She’s got plenty of time yet for resilience building.

YANBU I’d keep her off (I’m a teacher) I really wish they make things like this non-compulsory but I kind of wish I tried more things as a child as trying difficult things definitely gives your confidence a boost.

I would keep her off and have let my son stay off on sports day.

I HATED it as a child, it made me feel crap and useless. My son is like me and so I have let him stay home when h have seen him get upset about it

I would never judge any parent who kept a child off on sports day. It's a downright miserable, even humiliating, day for many children. I can't think of any other subject that has to be 'perfomed' in front of a whole school and parent audience in this way. No child is forced to do maths in such a public setting. Even for school plays there is always the opportunity to be at the back, or to get involved off stage.

Those parents who love sport, or who have sporty kids, or who think it builds resilience really have no idea of how hurtful and damaging forced participation in such a public event can be.

Keep them off and enjoy your day together.

My son is 8 with ASD.

I say keep her off (and I push my son a lot to face fears but this isn't one I'd pick).

On the changing school front, we moved to get him in a better school at the start of Year 2. We were dreading how/if he's cope. The new school are truly amazing. He used to be pulled off us in the mornings at his old school. He was a different child at the new school, both at school and in terms of home personality, within a week. The Headteacher personally collected him from the gate for the first week, they cook him his own food if he doesn't like school dinners, they have helped him make a real proper friend (that is 2 way), etc.

Really do consider it might be an option to change school as opposed to persevering with one that doesn't work.

My daughter is autistic to. Her school is mainstream and the staff and teachers are all amazing with her and the other children there to who are also on the spectrum. Our school wouldn't dream of making any of them take part if they didn't want to. There are other children there to who for various reasons like anxiety or health issue's that also do not wish to take part either so they are either given 'helpful helper' jobs to do on sports day or be part of the cheering spectator team! Disgraceful them making your daughter take part when it's so distressing for her,I'd never stand for it .I hope she has a lovely fun day off at home with you instead x