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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a moan about being a full time working mum/woman

122 replies

over2021 · 05/07/2021 20:59

I work in a fairly senior role- salary c.£70k- and I'm constantly busy at work- my diary tomorrow is back to back with two scheduled toilet breaks. I am back in office and company doesn't like home working. My DH is a lorry driver- earns half as much, works just as hard. Neither of us get paid parental leave but i can work from home. Nursery still charge £63 a day despite DD not being allowed in Envy

Just had notification that youngest DD (3) needs to isolate until Tuesday. I can do my job from home but it's going to be difficult to manage with a 3 year old at home. DH has just assumed I will do it because "it makes sense" but doesn't realise when I'm working from home I need to WORK and a meeting can't just pause whilst I wipe DD's bum or make her a juice. Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH. He says his boss just said no, so that's that then. To be fair, in his industry it would be usual for him to be given two weeks notice and get sacked- in mine, unheard off but it's career limiting to not be flexible.

I just have had enough. I have always worked, always juggled childcare/home life but i just can't do it anymore. There's no separation between work and home and i feel like I'm letting everyone down. I am exhausted. I can't think of much worse than another week stuck indoors with a three year old who doesn't sit still long enough to catch covid let alone let me conduct a client care meeting for 45 minutes Sad

Sorry, rant over but happy to lend an ear to anyone else in the same situation!

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 05/07/2021 21:01

It's shit, but surely your DH needs to push back?
Your boss has to 'let' you so why not his boss?

namechange90832 · 05/07/2021 21:04

Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH.

And you can't blame them. It's completely unreasonable for one employer to bear the brunt of parental requirements, your DH has to put his foot down. My DH is in the same trade and let's face it no lorry drivers are going to be out of a job any time soon, time for him to grow a pair and stop hiding behind his wife. You are a co-parenting couple and he needs to step up.

It usually infuriates me when women say "but he earns more so it has to be me" in your case you are literally admitting it is your vagina requiring you to do the care- for all the women out there, please don't stand for it and split it!

orangejuicer · 05/07/2021 21:06

If you are in a senior role surely you have some say over your diary. That would help.

user1471462428 · 05/07/2021 21:07

Lorry driving is a massive shortage industry thanks to Brexit, if he got sacked he could walk into another job tomorrow!! Time to step up for him.

User5827372728 · 05/07/2021 21:07

Hopefully this will be the last time they have to isolate as a bubble contact.

Your Oh should do at least half the childcare

Taliskerskye · 05/07/2021 21:07

Wait. So your DH is on zero hours contract? I self employed contractor? Or does he have a proper contract.

Gardenwalldilema · 05/07/2021 21:13

You're in the professional role, you're the higher earner, DH needs to sort this out.
He could call in sick, or emergency leave or whatever. If he gets sacked he could take agency work or get another job.
You're not solely responsible for this.

Cocomarine · 05/07/2021 21:17

@user1471462428

Lorry driving is a massive shortage industry thanks to Brexit, if he got sacked he could walk into another job tomorrow!! Time to step up for him.
Yep - this. I’m with your employer - your husband is taking the piss. It’s bad enough when the woman’s profession reputation /career suffers because they’re the lower earner. But fucking hell - you earn double what he does.

Joint income of over £100K though, and £63 nursery? Time to cost up a nanny. It’s not just nursery vs nanny. It’s your career + unsupportive husband vs nanny.

I am sympathetic, I’ve been there - though thank god not with the added bonus of Covid 🙄

Time for dad to step the fuck up.

NichyNoo · 05/07/2021 21:21

Time for him to step up. If he won’t insist with his boss, he needs to take holiday. Do you have family you can ask? Chances of your DD actually having covid are probably slim so maybe a vaccinated grandparent?

HarveySpectorWins · 05/07/2021 21:23

@user1471462428

Lorry driving is a massive shortage industry thanks to Brexit, if he got sacked he could walk into another job tomorrow!! Time to step up for him.
I agree with this. I'm not as senior as you but my work also have this policy - it has to be split evenly between parents (where there are 2 obviously), and they didn't even budge on that with NHS workers during the pandemic! They see it as the fairest way for both employers.
Imcatmum · 05/07/2021 21:24

Ive a nanny. Do it. His salary can pay for it (just like womens salary is usually written off as the lower earner vs childcare cost).

TheDinosaurMum · 05/07/2021 21:26

Your DH needs to take parental leave or at least split it so he's like 2 days and you have 3 of the working week.

I'm a lone parent I have nobody to take DS if he's unwell, my work however have been nothing but understanding and doubled my "dependants days" as a good will gesture to help me out. Touch wood though in the past year I've only taken one day.

It's tough, but DH needs to actually help you.

LadyJaye · 05/07/2021 21:29

Surely if you're the higher earner, your career takes precedence?

Boyo steps up or you look into a nanny.

WaterBottle123 · 05/07/2021 21:30

Probably easiest for DH to be SAHP

accentdusoleil · 05/07/2021 21:30

Can you ask for help in the house while you're at home: family, friend , hired help or nanny ?

Micemakingclothes · 05/07/2021 21:32

Your husband has to cover some of this. He just does.

Prior to covid I have always wfh, but I have always had child care except for the rare sick day. It’s just a necessity. Some People don’t seem to understand that.

This is also the point in many families where the discussion happens about the lower earner becoming a SAHP or switching to part-time work. It’s not an unreasonable discussion, especially with a job that won’t be damaged by stepping out of the workforce for a bit.

emeraldcity2000 · 05/07/2021 21:34

Yep, it's tough. I have a pretty senior role but dh is 'more' senior... plus I work 4 days meaning I can easily take a week off 😂. I'm just clinging to the news today that the isolation periods should stop soon....
I'm not even sure a nanny would help? I thought the rules were no one who didn't live in the house could come in if you are isolating?
Hopefully it's over soon!

OneKeyAtATime · 05/07/2021 21:39

Could he take annual leave this time? Then discuss what measures to take for when it happens again.

Taliskerskye · 05/07/2021 21:44

This isn’t a childcare problem
This isn’t your works problem
This is his works problem
This is. DH PROBLEM

he can’t be sacked.

minipie · 05/07/2021 21:45

Funny how when the man earns more that means the woman has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because he earns more.

But when the woman earns more, she has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because she’s in a higher paid “white collar” job and able to wfh

Heads I win tails you lose

OP - if your jobs were reversed, would he agree to look after DC? Or would he tell you to do it, since you earn less?

Cantbebotheredtothinkofaname · 05/07/2021 21:50

Yep I have this problem as well. I have a more senior role than DH but my work are more flexible. DH provides the illusion of “help” by offering to take holiday days, knowing I will say no and try and juggle my work and childcare at the same time, because I don’t want him to use his precious holiday days on this (his work close at Christmas so he loses a chunk of them then). It’s maddening because I’m screwed either way, yet my job is the one that pays the mortgage. Perhaps next time I’ll call his bluff!

namechange90832 · 05/07/2021 21:52

Funny how when the man earns more that means the woman has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because he earns more. But when the woman earns more, she has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because she’s in a higher paid “white collar” job and able to wfh

Abso-fucking-lutely, and some people wonder why there is a glass ceiling, gender pay gap and work place discrimination. This thread isn't exactly making me want to employ child baring aged women, men HAVE to be more accountable for their children.

That's why the ONLY fair way to co-parent is to disregard salary and split the childcare.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/07/2021 21:52

You have a DH problem.

Your DH has a child at home he has to care for. He is equally as responsible for her as you, you have to split the time off. Your employer is utterly reasonable to ask this.

MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 21:54

Would it make more sense for OH to be a SAHP?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/07/2021 21:54

Ps DH earns quite a bit more than me (although both senior professionals) and we split it equally when the DC had chicken pox and for isolation for Covid testing a few times.