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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a moan about being a full time working mum/woman

122 replies

over2021 · 05/07/2021 20:59

I work in a fairly senior role- salary c.£70k- and I'm constantly busy at work- my diary tomorrow is back to back with two scheduled toilet breaks. I am back in office and company doesn't like home working. My DH is a lorry driver- earns half as much, works just as hard. Neither of us get paid parental leave but i can work from home. Nursery still charge £63 a day despite DD not being allowed in Envy

Just had notification that youngest DD (3) needs to isolate until Tuesday. I can do my job from home but it's going to be difficult to manage with a 3 year old at home. DH has just assumed I will do it because "it makes sense" but doesn't realise when I'm working from home I need to WORK and a meeting can't just pause whilst I wipe DD's bum or make her a juice. Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH. He says his boss just said no, so that's that then. To be fair, in his industry it would be usual for him to be given two weeks notice and get sacked- in mine, unheard off but it's career limiting to not be flexible.

I just have had enough. I have always worked, always juggled childcare/home life but i just can't do it anymore. There's no separation between work and home and i feel like I'm letting everyone down. I am exhausted. I can't think of much worse than another week stuck indoors with a three year old who doesn't sit still long enough to catch covid let alone let me conduct a client care meeting for 45 minutes Sad

Sorry, rant over but happy to lend an ear to anyone else in the same situation!

OP posts:
unstabletoddler · 06/07/2021 01:36

They're inflexible? What if your work is inflexible?! He has to actually have a conversation with them and say this is happening, my wife has taken too much time off.

Is he not concerned about you losing your job or is it just the other way round?

BarbaraofSeville · 06/07/2021 05:30

Your DH needs to step up and take emergency childcare leave.

You can't WFH and care for a 3 YO so ask him to explain why 'it makes sense' for you to do it when he's the lower earner and in a well publicised critically shortage industry so if his current employer actually does sack him, he'll be able to walk into another job instantly.

checkedcloth · 06/07/2021 05:31

I just wanted to acknowledge how stress this must be for you OP, the long hours and exhaustion is really hard.

I have some similar challenges but more just around a consistent high level of stress and long hours.

It’s incredibly hard, and sometimes I literally feel like I could cry with the feeling of being overwhelmed.

No answers or solutions from me, but complete acknowledgment of what you are feeling right now.

MerryDecembermas · 06/07/2021 05:39

Unpaid parental leave is a legal right and it sounds like you have enough money stashed away for it.

Info is on the .gov website. Book it in blocks of 1 week

Wannabegreenfingers · 06/07/2021 06:10

I agree your husband needs to step up, but disagree because you're the higher earner he should do it all, there are compromises to be made. My ex earns more than me and did zero sick days with either child. This is just one reason my career has stalled.

Good luck with shielding.

BarbaraofSeville · 06/07/2021 06:16

No-one's saying DH should do all the sick days, just his share. He hasn't done any up to now and the OPs employer is quite rightly asking why they're being asked to take all the hit and it's not being shared by the other parent and his employer.

DeepDown12 · 06/07/2021 06:38

Our family has similar circumstances - both work, I earn more than DH. We have agreed before we even had DD that the lower salary takes the 'hit' in such circumstances - it is just what makes most financial sense to us and it would be the same if he was making more than me. Nothing to do with man/woman - it is a purely financial decision. Suggest you treat it as such.

The question you need to ask yourself: Would your family suffer more if you lost your job or if he lost his? In circumstances when both employers are indicating unhappiness with this - you protect the income that provides more security.

flowerycurtain · 06/07/2021 06:51

Although I feel for you I do think you're making a rod for your own back. Lorry drivers can literally walk into a job at the moment. Any decent one won't sack him as they're terrified they won't be replaced. And if they do he can work somewhere else.

Plumedenom · 06/07/2021 06:57

Ok so I am just going to say what you know. You are making yourself look unprofessional at work and risking promotions because of your lorry driver husband and cost cutting on paid childcare. That's ridiculous. I am on a third of your wage and I am finding the money to pay for childcare for my five and nine year old because I KNOW I can't do my job to the right standard while being interrupted every few minutes and I know how unprofessional it looks to have a child talking in the background. You can't do both. If you were at work you would have found a solution. Find it now.

Treezan82 · 06/07/2021 07:18

From what I can see, your problem is your dh's employer. I think all companies across the board need to start being more flexible as they are risking losing incredible talent otherwise - no one should need to chose between career and family. But it's your dh's employer who is being completely inflexible so I would start there.

KaleJuicer · 06/07/2021 07:21

We’re in a similar situation but we have been getting sixth formers/uni students on our street to come in and play with DC @ £12/hr. casual arrangement and everyone happy.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 06/07/2021 07:23

@orangejuicer

If you are in a senior role surely you have some say over your diary. That would help.
This. Don't have back to back meetings, push back more. Or change jobs. You don't have to put up with this nonsense.
Doubledoorsontogarden · 06/07/2021 07:27

Try a combo of nursery and a nanny at home. Use tax free childcare vouchers where possible. Call a nanny agency and see if anyone has availabytgis week.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 06/07/2021 07:28

Also DH needs to change his job, otherwise it's always going to be on you.

forinborin · 06/07/2021 07:30

Same here, OP. It also got to me this week, as my children are also on isolation - i am semi-existing from having 14 hour working days, while their father chooses to have zero input, and everyone thinks it is ok.

namechange90832 · 06/07/2021 07:33

I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

And whilst people like you let your DH walk all over you, this will always be the case. I'm shocked you're intelligent enough to be in a senior role but completely lacking the foresight and assertiveness to create boundaries and co-parent. It's weak, damaging and frankly pathetic. Absolutely no sympathy from me. This is a problem you and your husband are creating, not anyone else.

TheDevils · 06/07/2021 07:35

I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

Then change it. Tell your DH he has to take dependants leave or emergency leave.
Stop taking all responsibility for childcare.

I'm also wfh in a job that's stressful and where my workload has tripled and I've done that alongside homeschooling a 5/6 year old. We're also on our 3rd isolation in two months. I understand how exhausted you are - but your husband needs to step up big time.

NoSquirrels · 06/07/2021 07:36

I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

Your employer doesn’t think it’s a mum’s job.
Your husband’s employer does.
And your husband does.
But no one else does.

How is your husbands employer “otherwise a good employer”? I think your personal bar for your husband and for his employer is too low - on the floor, in fact.

I’d tell him my office have insisted I go in and cannot WFH. So he needs to take the time off.

It’s what would happen if he was the higher wage earner.

Come on. Put your foot down.

spotcheck · 06/07/2021 07:36

@DolphinFC

Surely your DH can work from home too?

It's just one day!

Men!

I'm just imagining what this would look like ...
Mistyplanet · 06/07/2021 07:38

Either get DH to help or find a good friend / family member willing to come over while your working. I know its not allowed but this has been going on so long now and if your dd has a negative test i cant see the problem.

WaltzingBetty · 06/07/2021 07:38

@over2021
I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

But in your case it only is because your DH sees it that way.

If you won't discuss/confront him about it then you'll have to suck it up.

This is a situation that you and your partner could change. You are both choosing the status quo. That's on you.

You're essentially complaining about a situation that you are both refusing to change

NoSquirrels · 06/07/2021 07:41

OP, what would you say to someone you line-manage in the same situation? Someone with a partner at home yet who has to do all the childcare because their partner’s employer isn’t being accommodating? What would you think of their choice?

Mostlylurkingiam · 06/07/2021 07:43

Isn't the issue that he cannot work from home and would have to take time off, where as you CAN work from home?

WaltzingBetty · 06/07/2021 07:47

@Mostlylurkingiam

Isn't the issue that he cannot work from home and would have to take time off, where as you CAN work from home?
Why do you think why is equivalent to being free to entertain a toddler? Did you not read the OP? How is the OP's location whist working relevant?
Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 06/07/2021 07:47

The OP can't work from home and look after a toddler, though. She has two short breaks scheduled for the entire day... she can't exactly press the "pause" button on her child for the rest of the day. So the fact she can work from home is irrelevant.