To have a moan about being a full time working mum/woman

[over2021]

I work in a fairly senior role- salary c.£70k- and I'm constantly busy at work- my diary tomorrow is back to back with two scheduled toilet breaks. I am back in office and company doesn't like home working. My DH is a lorry driver- earns half as much, works just as hard. Neither of us get paid parental leave but i can work from home. Nursery still charge £63 a day despite DD not being allowed in

Just had notification that youngest DD (3) needs to isolate until Tuesday. I can do my job from home but it's going to be difficult to manage with a 3 year old at home. DH has just assumed I will do it because "it makes sense" but doesn't realise when I'm working from home I need to WORK and a meeting can't just pause whilst I wipe DD's bum or make her a juice. Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH. He says his boss just said no, so that's that then. To be fair, in his industry it would be usual for him to be given two weeks notice and get sacked- in mine, unheard off but it's career limiting to not be flexible.

I just have had enough. I have always worked, always juggled childcare/home life but i just can't do it anymore. There's no separation between work and home and i feel like I'm letting everyone down. I am exhausted. I can't think of much worse than another week stuck indoors with a three year old who doesn't sit still long enough to catch covid let alone let me conduct a client care meeting for 45 minutes

Sorry, rant over but happy to lend an ear to anyone else in the same situation!

@Nanny0gg don't be silly he can't drive a lorry around the garden… He needs to find a lorry simulation game to play - there's a bus driver one and a tractor driver one, so surely there's a lorry driver one. Failing that he could find a lorry in GTA and drive that around for the day.

@Waxonwaxoff0

YANBU. I don't work full time but near enough, I'm divorced so it's always the assumption that I will be the one to take time off. Exh is a key worker in transport and earns 4x what I do so his job is of course more important, even though I have a mortgage to pay too.

How is it relevant that he earns more when he’s an ex? He’s not sharing half with you each month. It just means he should have more of a financial cushion if he did get fired for taking time off- I hope you can put your foot down more on this!!

@CoralSparkles

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

Wow this really is one of the more shocking things I have read on here!

[quote Chickenexpert]@Nanny0gg don't be silly he can't drive a lorry around the garden… He needs to find a lorry simulation game to play - there's a bus driver one and a tractor driver one, so surely there's a lorry driver one. Failing that he could find a lorry in GTA and drive that around for the day.[/quote]
😁

Didn't think. Might be a bit tricky getting the lorry through the gate.

Your idea is much better

You are letting him away with this op.

Forget nurseries - use a childminder or get a nanny who will come and look after her in your house (and can take her to parks and playgroups). You have much more control over the situation, they are not going to kick her out!

I’m in a similar situation but I’m the lower earner by far. I work FT and work are saying they may take disciplinary action because of my repeated lateness and time off for childcare.

The only way forward that seems feasible to me is I quit my FT job, and we live on DH’s salary for a while. I can take on locum shifts to keep my foot in the door career wise, but I’m thinking of changing career as it’s just not compatible with a young family. I’m sick of constant commuting, last minute calls from school that mean I have to let my team down, I’m exhausted trying to keep on top of housework and cooking. I don’t want DC in wraparound care next year, they don’t like it and the before and after school clubs keep closing anyway so it’s unreliable. I feel like I’m doing badly both at home and at work, I’m stretched too thin.

Would your DH be prepared to be a SAHP for a while, until DC are older?

Can you change roles or apply for flexi hours or part time?

Is a nanny an option if you both want to keep working FT?

I’m in a similar situation but I’m the lower earner by far. I work FT and work are saying they may take disciplinary action because of my repeated lateness and time off for childcare.

Does your DH take time off too?

Working parent is hard. Working mum is usually harder. Despite all the protestations about 70% at least of parental duties fall to mums. At least. The care the house care the personal care. Working mum is one of the most difficult jobs. I totally agree op. And mums always first contact if kids need picking up from school etc. Always the way.

Always the way.

Well it will be if you just accept it and don't make any changes. I refuse to accept this, and so it isn't the way for me, and it doesn't need to be for the OP. You can hide behind this sentiment and whinge incessantly, or you can do something about it.

It’s seen as mum’s job as people like you let that myth be perpetuated! My sympathy is limited if you assist on feeding into this and then moan about it. Doesn’t it make more sense to do something about it. Good on your employer for pulling you up on it

If your employer is pulling you up on this (rightly, as they know it's not being shared), then you do need to think about whether your household can manage without your job.

You may not be able to afford not to sort this out.

His employer isn't a good employer if it doesn't let him take time off for this! It's a very sexist blood boiling employer who you (or your DH) need to stand up to.
You definitely have a DH problem.
It's so disappointing to read posts like this, really sad. I'm a lower earning female who works out of the home and I don't wfh... that is a huge advantage when it comes to not having to do everything. And I'm not the high earner!
If u don't know how to push back with your DH / his employer, what about your employer wants you to come into the office more? That might help...

Whenever I read threads like this, I wonder what happens in families with two dads. Does nobody look after the child?

@CoralSparkles

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

Christ on a bike 🙄

You know my staff who work part time?
I still expect them to cover the hours they’re contracted for.
So I’d still have an issue if OP worked for me and told me she couldn’t do 10:00-14:00, for example.

This is nuts 🙄 She is the higher earner and the “career” role.

A full-time nanny won't be even nearly affordable on £70K - on what planet are all posters who suggest this?

If I understood her posts correctly, their combined income is around £100k: £70k on her end and £30k on his. If he quits his job, they'll have £70k and won't need a full-time nanny. If he stays employed, they'll have £100k+ with which to pay a full-time nanny.

My god, the responses on here are awful and no one seems to have acknowledged the awful burden of repeated unplanned isolations on working mothers.

In order to protect equality in the workplace, the government needs to put in place some sort of emergency legislation to protect Covid related time off for working parents...and I mean parents not mothers, because the real.issue here is that the DH employer feels free to behave like this, if they had not said no to leave OP would not be in this position.

Yet once again it falls to OP as the woman to fix this, it is her fault because she is not 'making' her DH take time off. FFS.

Personally I'm considering quitting my job which is not as senior as OPs but I have worked so hard to get here. I am facing the prospect of asking my employer for yet more (unpaid) time off because DC needs to isolate before an operation. I am dreading it. In my case DH employer is very flexible, bit I am still breastfeeding so if I am WFH while DC is home with DH she will be on me constantly wanting boobs. I've already had 2 periods of childcare related absence due to Covid this year and am at the end of my tether.

And those people suggesting grandparents...would OP be trying to WFH with a toddler if there was ANY chance of family childcare?!

I sympathise with your situation but is it a case of your dh knowing you will deal with it so he isn’t trying to find a different solution.
My ds’s school bubble closed this morning just as we got to school, today was my day off so not an issue, I messaged dp to let him know who said that he he booked Friday off already as was planning on going out with a friend so will cancel that and if I phoned work and asked what day out of the wed/thurs they would prefer for me to take off he would take the other. He earns more than me and has slightly more flexibility but the main point was that he knew instantly this was a problem we had to share together, dependant days exist for this reason

@BraveBraveMouse

My god, the responses on here are awful and no one seems to have acknowledged the awful burden of repeated unplanned isolations on working mothers.

In order to protect equality in the workplace, the government needs to put in place some sort of emergency legislation to protect Covid related time off for working parents...and I mean parents not mothers, because the real.issue here is that the DH employer feels free to behave like this, if they had not said no to leave OP would not be in this position.

Yet once again it falls to OP as the woman to fix this, it is her fault because she is not 'making' her DH take time off. FFS.

Personally I'm considering quitting my job which is not as senior as OPs but I have worked so hard to get here. I am facing the prospect of asking my employer for yet more (unpaid) time off because DC needs to isolate before an operation. I am dreading it. In my case DH employer is very flexible, bit I am still breastfeeding so if I am WFH while DC is home with DH she will be on me constantly wanting boobs. I've already had 2 periods of childcare related absence due to Covid this year and am at the end of my tether.

And those people suggesting grandparents...would OP be trying to WFH with a toddler if there was ANY chance of family childcare?!

@BraveBraveMouse it's all very well saying the government needs to put in place some sort of emergency legislation, but the OP isn't exactly going to read this thread and put out a call to action. Whilst I completely agree many of us are putting this on the OP, she isn't a victim, she has a lot more power than she's willing to utilise. Her DH is the real villain in this, and his employer (depending on how much pressing they've actually had, I suspect very little) BUT he isn't going to change his misogynistic ways without some kind of catalyst, and that has to be the OP putting her foot down and reminding him that this isn't just her problem.

The thing is the more women let men walk all over them like this, the more damaging it is to the rest of us in the work place, because it solidifies the notion that women are a risk with the burden of childcare responsibilities not equally shared between parents. So yes I'm afraid women do need to take action, we didn't sit around and wait to get the vote handed to us, so we can't sit around and wait for men, and other women, to realise that childcare responsibilities need to be more fairly shared for us to succeed in the work place, whatever the income disparities might be.

Whilst I support wider societal developments like legislation, these micro actions we take at home are equally as important, and something we can all be doing. It not only sends the right message to our partners and employers, but most importantly, to our children, who will be watching much more closely than we sometimes realise.

I can totally sympathise with you. I've had weeks and weeks of juggling a full time job with my 2yo who seems to catch every bug under the sun (then kindly passes them on to me).

I don't have an answer for you I'm afraid. Maybe your DH could take a day or twos annual leave to help alleviate the strain on you during times the kids are off?

He can take unexpected childcare leave, his employer can’t say no, sounds more like your husband just can’t be bothered to do it.

Why would the higher earner take a day off- that’s just stupid. Tell him to tell his boss he needs to go unpaid for 3 days?

Ops Dh