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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a moan about being a full time working mum/woman

122 replies

over2021 · 05/07/2021 20:59

I work in a fairly senior role- salary c.£70k- and I'm constantly busy at work- my diary tomorrow is back to back with two scheduled toilet breaks. I am back in office and company doesn't like home working. My DH is a lorry driver- earns half as much, works just as hard. Neither of us get paid parental leave but i can work from home. Nursery still charge £63 a day despite DD not being allowed in Envy

Just had notification that youngest DD (3) needs to isolate until Tuesday. I can do my job from home but it's going to be difficult to manage with a 3 year old at home. DH has just assumed I will do it because "it makes sense" but doesn't realise when I'm working from home I need to WORK and a meeting can't just pause whilst I wipe DD's bum or make her a juice. Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH. He says his boss just said no, so that's that then. To be fair, in his industry it would be usual for him to be given two weeks notice and get sacked- in mine, unheard off but it's career limiting to not be flexible.

I just have had enough. I have always worked, always juggled childcare/home life but i just can't do it anymore. There's no separation between work and home and i feel like I'm letting everyone down. I am exhausted. I can't think of much worse than another week stuck indoors with a three year old who doesn't sit still long enough to catch covid let alone let me conduct a client care meeting for 45 minutes Sad

Sorry, rant over but happy to lend an ear to anyone else in the same situation!

OP posts:
CoralSparkles · 06/07/2021 07:51

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

namechange90832 · 06/07/2021 07:52

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

Fuck me. There really is no hope for us is there.

Weebleweeble · 06/07/2021 07:53

I would have thought the company would be unusually generous with unpaid leave for DH - such a shortage of drivers now.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 06/07/2021 07:54

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

The OP is the higher earner. On what planet does this make sense?

Doubledoorsontogarden · 06/07/2021 07:55

There will always be times a nursery won’t take your child, it’s not just COVID times.

TheABC · 06/07/2021 07:59

You have a DH problem.

I second the nanny idea or take a look at an emergency sitter to look after the child whilst you work.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 06/07/2021 08:03

There will always be times a nursery won’t take your child, it’s not just COVID times.

Yes but those other times really aren't as big a problem if you either have family to help or money to throw at the problem. The unique thing about having an isolating child is that the only people who can look after them are the parents. So an emergency babysitter or nanny is out of the question.

forinborin · 06/07/2021 08:05

A full-time nanny won't be even nearly affordable on £70K - on what planet are all posters who suggest this?

piratehugs · 06/07/2021 08:06

I recently filled in my DC's forms for his new school and put myself down as first contact when DC is ill and needs collecting. This thread has made me realise that was foolish. I would quietly sack off work at each phone call and look flaky. He would have no qualms asking for help. I have literally set myself up to be a martyr for the next seven years. I'm definitely going to ask the school to change it. He hasn't engaged with the school admin at all, so he won't even know until he starts getting calls.

Taliskerskye · 06/07/2021 08:11

Why are you stuck with this.

FloconDeNeige · 06/07/2021 08:11

@piratehugs

I’m the second contact. DH is first as we live abroad and his mother tongue is the language of where we live. I’m fluent but still, not native. Guess what; they still always call me! I lost my temper once and asked them why they bypassed the primary contact and they said ‘oh but we didn’t want to disturb Dad at work’! No problem disturbing (higher-earning) Mum at work though! Fucking no hope, indeed.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/07/2021 08:14

Funny how when the man earns more that means the woman has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because he earns more. But when the woman earns more, she has to deal with the sick child - her job bears the brunt because she’s in a higher paid “white collar” job and able to wfh

Yep. And funny how someone this always is described as "making sense". It "makes sense" to the man.

TheDevils · 06/07/2021 08:15

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

Really?
Would you say that to a man? Particularly if he was the higher earner?

I despair 😩

TheDevils · 06/07/2021 08:16

Isn't the issue that he cannot work from home and would have to take time off, where as you CAN work from home?

Have YOU tried working from home while also providing full time childcare? You cannot work and effectively care for a small child.

This child has two parents - it's high time dad stepped up.

Manzanilla55 · 06/07/2021 08:24

I have never used them but sitters.co.UK apparently do last minute childcare.

Manzanilla55 · 06/07/2021 08:26

Sorry didn't realise you were abroad. You need to find somebody e.g. emergency or part time help.

Mansplainee · 06/07/2021 08:27

Could you go part-time until your DC are a little older?

Really? FFS. Yes, that’s clearly the answer here. For the higher paid woman to step back in her career to enable her low paid husband to work.

oblada · 06/07/2021 08:29

DH would be protected for taking time off for this so any dismissal (If UK based) automatically unfair so ask him to help out.

Correlation · 06/07/2021 08:31

This time it needs to be your DH but in the future if it were me I'd get a nanny (if you can afford it), even if it means giving up nursery to pay for one.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/07/2021 08:41

YANBU. I don't work full time but near enough, I'm divorced so it's always the assumption that I will be the one to take time off. Exh is a key worker in transport and earns 4x what I do so his job is of course more important, even though I have a mortgage to pay too.

Iwonder08 · 06/07/2021 08:45

Being a working mum with a proper intense and stressful job sucks. Your DH just doesn't want to rock the boat with his employer and I can understand it. However given he earns much less than you do he has to risk it. The worst outcome will be he will lose his job and become a SAHp for a while, you will save money on the nursery. If you lose the job your family will not manage at all. It should be a practical rather than emotional decision.
You need to stop being so accomodating.

Amaya89 · 06/07/2021 09:03

YANBU. One of my boys has to isolate for this week. DH earns more than me but as I haven't been working here long and I'm up for a pay rise, he's taken the time off. If it has to happen again, it will be my turn. You're supposed to be a team, he needs to do his share.

ZenNudist · 06/07/2021 09:07

Childcare isn't seen as mum's job in my family. Nor the families of many of my friends and coworkers who treat it as joint responsibility. It's what you make of it.

I expect DH to do equal share. It isn't optional. When the dc are sent back from school it's "how can we make this work?"not putting it all on one parent and the other makes no adjustment.

So whilst I support your right to moan on the Internet I think YABVU to suck this up and make excuses for him for being selfish and useless.

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2021 09:09

@DolphinFC

Surely your DH can work from home too?

It's just one day!

Men!

How? Driving the lorry round the garden?🤦‍♀️
Nanny0gg · 06/07/2021 09:11

@over2021

I may very well have a DH problem but unfortunately I'm stuck with him! My mum is coming to look after her Monday and I had Friday off anyway so it's only three days of disruption. Makes a mockery of her isolating though- how can a three year dole isolate!?

He might very well be able to walk into another job and he might have a legal right to take time off but his company are very inflexible with childcare- thats what wimmen are for innit? But otherwise a good employer.

It definitely would make more sense for him to be a SAHP - he earns more than nursery costs and he wouldn't want to be a SAHP.

I have no option but to wfh- it's the same scenario as March lockdown when nursery was closed which, to be honest, was the worst time of my life. I can catch up with admin in the evenings which isn't ideal.

I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

Obviously don't know your outgoings but on the face of it, wouldn't a nanny (live out) be an option?