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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a moan about being a full time working mum/woman

122 replies

over2021 · 05/07/2021 20:59

I work in a fairly senior role- salary c.£70k- and I'm constantly busy at work- my diary tomorrow is back to back with two scheduled toilet breaks. I am back in office and company doesn't like home working. My DH is a lorry driver- earns half as much, works just as hard. Neither of us get paid parental leave but i can work from home. Nursery still charge £63 a day despite DD not being allowed in Envy

Just had notification that youngest DD (3) needs to isolate until Tuesday. I can do my job from home but it's going to be difficult to manage with a 3 year old at home. DH has just assumed I will do it because "it makes sense" but doesn't realise when I'm working from home I need to WORK and a meeting can't just pause whilst I wipe DD's bum or make her a juice. Work are pissed off that I'm taking more 'time off' LOL and have asked me to share the split with DH. He says his boss just said no, so that's that then. To be fair, in his industry it would be usual for him to be given two weeks notice and get sacked- in mine, unheard off but it's career limiting to not be flexible.

I just have had enough. I have always worked, always juggled childcare/home life but i just can't do it anymore. There's no separation between work and home and i feel like I'm letting everyone down. I am exhausted. I can't think of much worse than another week stuck indoors with a three year old who doesn't sit still long enough to catch covid let alone let me conduct a client care meeting for 45 minutes Sad

Sorry, rant over but happy to lend an ear to anyone else in the same situation!

OP posts:
MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 21:56

Cantbebotheredtothinkofaname you should do. I have to use my holiday to look after my kid if childcare falls through.

DolphinFC · 05/07/2021 21:58

Surely your DH can work from home too?

It's just one day!

Men!

Saltyslug · 05/07/2021 21:59

I’d make him do his half. Tell his work it’s not negotiable

MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 21:59

Surely your DH can work from home too?

He is a lorry driver..

Mansplainee · 05/07/2021 22:00

You need to push your DH to step up and share the brunt of this. I’ve been there and it’s just impossibly stressful trying to juggle back to back meetings with a toddler.
We are in a similar situation, I am in a higher paid senior role but have a lot more flexibility than DH. On the occasions where we have had to isolate with DD at home I’ve made sure he pitches in too. He initially tried to argue that his boss won’t let him have any flex but I think he just didn’t want to risk rocking the boat at work (perfectly happy for me to of course), his employer managed to figure something out when there was no choice given, and your DHs will have to too.

eurochick · 05/07/2021 22:04

A nanny wouldn't help if the child has to isolate.

If the salary dynamic was reversed there is no doubt at all that you would be expected to take most of the hit. Man jobs always seem to be the more tricky to take off from somehow...

whatisheupto · 05/07/2021 22:04

OP - if your jobs were reversed, would he agree to look after DC? Or would he tell you to do it, since you earn less?

This.

Jangle33 · 05/07/2021 22:05

Unless your DH can support the family if you lose your job (and quite frankly even if he can’t as I believe in full equality) he should be taking the hit. Surely there’s a shortage of lorry drivers at the moment so he has much more job security as well? I’d be royally pissed off if I was you. And your employer. It’s not like he’s frontline NHS covid ward.

DolphinFC · 05/07/2021 22:14

Mouldy

Oh....I see... then it clearly makes sense for him to go out to work and for the OP to wfh.

notanothertakeaway · 05/07/2021 22:15

@DolphinFC

Surely your DH can work from home too?

It's just one day!

Men!

He's a lorry driver, so not easy to do that from home, but perhaps could take unpaid leave

And 'men, typical!' is quite a stereotype

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 05/07/2021 22:19

You can't work from home and care for a toddler. You will piss off your work colleagues, even more so than if you take unpaid leave. You will also neglect your child. It will be much more career-limiting to do a shit job at work than to take the leave.

It's absolutely non-negotiable that either you or your DH need to take time off work. Since he earns less, it's him, I'm afraid. Either that or, depending on the value of his 'career progression', you need to split it.

Tell your DH you will be walking out the door as usual for work for half the days your DD needs to isolate and he will just have to deal with that.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/07/2021 22:36

Neither of you can work from home (the idea of running client meetings while caring for a 3yo is pretty ludicrous).

So unless you can work so flexibly that you can do all your work in the little moments of peace a 3yo might allow and at night (e.g. your DH comes home at 5pm, takes over childcare and you work a six-hour shift until 11pm, fitting another three hours into the day when your dd allows)...

...then one or both of you needs to take leave.

shiningstar2 · 05/07/2021 22:58

The necessary mix of childcare and work which is inevitably problematic when children get sick is far worse because of Covid and I feel for struggling parents everywhere.

I have had jobs where I was quite lowly within organizations and I have also had very senior roles. I can only say that I have had far more flexibility and far more willingness by employers to give a bit of leeway when I have been in senior roles.

Not Ideal I know but even when I was the higher earner my dh's salary was very necessary and when he genuinely had no flexibility I had to bite the bullet when it came to taking time off. He wasn't being awkward. He worked for a big company which had policies for everything and everyone. They weren't going to change their policies for a worker they could easily replace and there was no way he was going to walk into another job if he resigned over their policies.

It isn't always a men/women issue, though I know it certainly can be. Every family situation is different. It isn't that easy at the moment to fall into other jobs...and even if it was it could be out of the frying pan into the fire when it comes to parental leave flexibility.

Until kids can be left unsupervised there it often falls on one parent to do the extra childcare.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/07/2021 23:02

Surely he or both of you could take unpaid parental leave. Legally they have to agree it for emergency childcare issues which this is.

Original poster
over2021 · 05/07/2021 23:09

I may very well have a DH problem but unfortunately I'm stuck with him! My mum is coming to look after her Monday and I had Friday off anyway so it's only three days of disruption. Makes a mockery of her isolating though- how can a three year dole isolate!?

He might very well be able to walk into another job and he might have a legal right to take time off but his company are very inflexible with childcare- thats what wimmen are for innit? But otherwise a good employer.

It definitely would make more sense for him to be a SAHP - he earns more than nursery costs and he wouldn't want to be a SAHP.

I have no option but to wfh- it's the same scenario as March lockdown when nursery was closed which, to be honest, was the worst time of my life. I can catch up with admin in the evenings which isn't ideal.

I'm just so fed up with childcare being seen as a mum's job.

OP posts:
Pinchoftums · 05/07/2021 23:34

So fucking sexist. That's all it is. He needs to realise his responsibility is 50/50.

Pinchoftums · 05/07/2021 23:35

And like hell will they fire him. lorry drivers are like gold dust.

zoeydollie · 05/07/2021 23:40

Tell him no, you have to work so he needs to take the time off.

If he’s scared to say it’s for childcare then he can call in sick.

Iggi999 · 05/07/2021 23:49

OP you say you're fed up with childcare being seen as a woman's job, but absolutely no one on this thread except you thinks that your dh shouldn't take his turn!

omgwhy · 06/07/2021 00:28

As a employer one of my female staff always took time off when her daughter was sick, never ever her husband and I had to put my foot down and insist she found alternative care, because frankly she wasn't able to work at home and the business was footing the bill for her husbands totally lack of flexibility.

It wouldn't of been an issue but her daughter was new to nursery and at the stage of picking up every single bug, so was becoming a weekly situation.

Her husband just didn't see it from anyone's point of view but his own.

He didn't see her frustration, her bosses frustration, the other staffs eyes rolling, her poor mum and dad that had to help, it was all about him, his role, his job, his self importance.

Used to drive me bonkers!

LocalHobo · 06/07/2021 00:44

OP you say you're fed up with childcare being seen as a woman's job, but absolutely no one on this thread except you thinks that your dh shouldn't take his turn!
Exactly....anyone smell the burning of martyrs?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 06/07/2021 00:47

It seems to me that, a lot of the time, women's jobs aren't more flexible than men's jobs. It's just that women are default and so they find that "flexibility" (at the expense of career progression, being first in line for redundancy etc.) because there isn't anyone around who they can offload their responsibilities onto.

Women are conditioned to be there, to manage and to assume the burden of helping others. And to do all of this quietly without bothering others. I've noticed this in our house with finding lost things. If I lose something, it's my problem and I (quietly) look for it myself. If my DH loses something, the first thing he does is come and ask me if I know where it is and then there is this weird expectation on his part that I will get up and help him look for it. And there is no peace in the house until it is found. It is the same with childcare. When we shared care when wfh with our DC, I took our DC out of the house and kept them quiet when it was my turn. He constantly interrupted me and asked questions (where is DC coat? What should I make for lunch? What shall we do now?). This is a supposedly intelligent man Hmm. I resented it as an attempt to foist responsibility for childcare and chores onto my shoulders (with him in the role of "helpful" assistant) rather than acting as a partner in managing what are, after all, our joint responsibilities.

timeisnotaline · 06/07/2021 00:48

Your dh should take his turn but you don’t seem willing to push that. Given this, you need to say trying to work while looking after a 3yo is extremely stressful. You need to do dinner bath bed every night so I get a minute and can close out a few emails. Then I’ll need a few hours on the weekend to myself. You cannot let this be consequence free for him and just the woman’s problem.

timeisnotaline · 06/07/2021 00:50

But personally my husband doesn’t work at home and I do most days, and he has to come home to do half the staying at home with sick /isolating young children. I won’t do that for both of us. Obviously he didn’t jump up and volunteer but the first time I collected dc and did most of a day, then he asked me if I could do the day after and I tore strips off him for not volunteering to pull his weight and pointed out how completely miserable our marriage would be if I tried to worm out of every responsibility in hte hope he would just step up and carry my weight as well as his own.

PurpleOkapi · 06/07/2021 01:29

There's no benefit in pointing the finger at each other, because the problem is that neither of your jobs is flexible enough to allow childcare during the workday. You need to discuss the problem like adults and find a solution that you can both live with. Him quitting his job is one option, if you're both willing to give up the extra money. Making better care arrangements is another, and would probably cost less unless you went the full-time, live-in route. You're fortunate to be in a position where you can afford a solution that will make you both happy, so there shouldn't be any need to make it into a larger relationship issue.

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