Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School conducted a LFT on my son, against my consent

999 replies

duckme · 05/07/2021 19:26

We received an email from our school to say that, due to the increase in covid cases, they are going to resume the LFT scheme in school (secondary) rather than at home. They sent an online consent form for parents to complete. I declined consent. I marked the form as such and sent it back electronically. My son was actually isolating until today as his bubble had burst, but I reminded him that he didn't have consent for the tests so he wasn't to have one. I know mistakes can happen and forms can be misplaced so I wanted to make sure he was fully aware of my consent.
He came home today and informed me that he had the test.
He said the whole class was called the the hall. The lady could see on the list that he hasn't got consent and asked him about it. He repeated what I had told him, 'my mom said, I'm not to have one'. The lady then proceeded to lecture him about protecting his family and friends. He is 13 and gave in to the person of authority in front of him. Despite them having explicit instructions to the contrary.
AIBU in being absolutely livid? That person ignored written consent, ignored the verbal consent of my son and then guilted him into having an invasive test.
I'll be contacting the school tomorrow to complain but I'd like to know if my covid fatigue is making me over react a little. But I can't imagine it being ok for a school to override parental consent in this way pre covid! Have we all surrendered all our our rights now? Even our parental ones?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/07/2021 20:07

@LonginesPrime

As PP have said, I think if DS had responded with clear reasons as to why he didn't want to have the test in school, then that would likely have been a different story.

But with his saying at 13 "my mum says I'm not allowed" while being unable to elaborate, I'm not surprised they decided to probe his refusal a little more - it probably sounded like he didn't really understand what the test was for if he couldn't articulate his objections, so they likely explained it to him from scratch and he agreed to it.

I think if you have good reasons for DS not having the test in school, OP, you need to explain them to him so that he can make an informed decision.

Yes this.

Of course the reason is relevant. If it's some batshit reason (and obviously it is) then arguably he's not properly informed and the school was fine in giving him accurate information and letting him decide.

The OP wasn't there and can't say if they coerced him or not.

AnneElliott · 05/07/2021 20:07

I agree this was coerced consent which means it doesn't count. I don't think it matters if we agree with op or not (for the record I don't) but consent is either required or it's not. And if it's required then the schools behaviour isn't acceptable.

Mountaingoatling · 05/07/2021 20:07

@duckme

I didn't have to provide a reason for declining consent, it doesn't have any bearing on my aibu.
You sound a thoroughly unreasonable person
Original poster
duckme · 05/07/2021 20:08

I'm confused. So for my consent to be upheld, everyone has to agree with my reasoning behind it?

OP posts:
emmaluggs · 05/07/2021 20:08

They’re wrong for over riding the consent, but I don’t get why you are so against it

itsgettingwierd · 05/07/2021 20:08

He wasn't given any mediation against your consent though.

It was a test.

And if he really had a long discussion with you beforehand and he didn't enact to do it why did you have to tell him you'd withdrawn consent and not to be tested as he left the house.

I just wouldn't have had to say anything to my ds. I'd have asked if he wanted it. Discussed with him if I disagreed with his stance - why.

Then given whatever consent he wanted and not mentioned it further.

Mydogmylife · 05/07/2021 20:09

@leafygarden42

Oh god, I am definitely hard work!

This isn't something to be proud of Confused

I really can't get worked up about this. He had a test - so what.

I agree - really don't get why you would be proud of being hard work!
thirdfiddle · 05/07/2021 20:09

If OP declined because it's being used to keep children in school when they've been in contact with a case and OP's family would prefer to be safe and isolate in that case? If OP declined because they are concerned about test unreliability and false confidence? Lots of reasons someone might decline.

To the pp who said if parent consents and child doesn't, they get disciplinary consequences - that would be unethical. Coerced consent is not consent.

itsgettingwierd · 05/07/2021 20:10

@duckme

I have to remind him to brush his teeth and take his pe kit to school.
And yet it's still entirely possible he'll forget or not do it.

Is there send involved? If not maybe step back a bit and let him figure things out for himself?

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 05/07/2021 20:10

@NotSoLongGoodbye

I would be unhappy too OP. And there is a whiff of coercion in all this. V hard for a 13 year to stand up to an authority figure in front of all their peers. It is disgraceful. Your son should not have been put in that position.
Yes this was wrong on behalf of the school.

Also, seeing as coke and fruit juice both test positive on LFT, and that false negatives are very high, what is the actual point of having them? They aren't reliable.

Loubiemoo · 05/07/2021 20:10

At 13 he is legally able to consent (or not) without your say so OP.

Angel2702 · 05/07/2021 20:11

It’s hardly an invasive test, he clearly doesn’t have a reason that he is unable to complete the test and was capable of giving consent himself. It’s not like they pinned him down and forcibly carried out the test. Unless there is a SEND reason that he would not be able to give consent then it is his choice to make. The same as if he didn’t want the test he could override your consent.

Rosesareyellow · 05/07/2021 20:11

Why did you post AIBU if you clearly think you’re not unreasonable?

YABU by the way.
Would you reject other medical tests too if they were needed? Because compared to many others a cotton bud up the nose is pretty easy going. Or is it just Covid tests you don’t like in the pursuit of making your self known and being awkward?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2021 20:11

@duckme

I'm confused. So for my consent to be upheld, everyone has to agree with my reasoning behind it?
People are likely commenting on two different aspects of your situation
  1. Consent. School asked for it then did not take it into consideration. Pointless them then asking, does this constitute a breach in their processes
  1. Your sons opinion. You seem to think you and you alone can decide what medical procedures your son undertakes and at 13yo he should have primary say.
  1. Your lack of a justifiable reasoning for declining in the first place - if you are going to decline the test on your sons behalf, and then start a discussion on the matter, it stands to reason that posters will be interested to know your viewpoint.
Inthesameboat2 · 05/07/2021 20:11

I know that at that age my dd would prefer to hide behind the phrase My mum said I can't..... as she didn't have the confidence to stick up for herself against authority figures and had several times asked me to say..."mum, I don't want to, but can you say I'm not allowed to"

So if this was this case for you too, I'd be really annoyed as she was too shy to make a fuss in front of teachers and her classmates and so would have gone along with whatever, despite not actually wanting to herself.

canigooutyet · 05/07/2021 20:12

These consent forms usually have some wording about they can make a choice regardless of what you sign. Some go against their parents consent to have/not have the vaccinations they get.

Coercion which seems to be a common theme with anything Covid, should not be tolerated. But it seems to whip people up in a frenzy to do things they might not normally do if given full free choice.

Bettyboopawoop · 05/07/2021 20:12

Not sure why you would refuse, surely keeping everyone safe is better?

PreacherTeacher · 05/07/2021 20:12

I work in a school. Probably can tell from the username.

You'd be surprised how many parents do not consent just because their kids don't want to do it and it's easier to refuse. One kids mum is a specialist nurse and refuses her consent for testing because her child is difficult. Same reason they do not have to wear a mask. If a parents says they are exempt what can you do? Even if you know there is no medical reason. Surely as a nurse you should know better?

Some parents refuse because they don't want the government to have their child's DNA. Even with the home testing kits. 🤷‍♀️

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 05/07/2021 20:13

Yanbu
Bill Gates will now know his every move

Wimpund21 · 05/07/2021 20:13

So many people bleating about how he's old enough to decide.

I'd be asking for details of what assessment this 'lady' - which presumably means he didn't know her - carried out to assess his competence to consent when parental consent had been explicitly declined.

People are posting as though all 13 years olds have automatic right to consent or not in any instances. They don't.

chickenyhead · 05/07/2021 20:13

My daughter's school requested consent for the have vaccine. She was 14, so it is up to her 100%. I consented but my consent was irrelevant at that age. This was obvious. I thought this was widely known.

GreenCrayon · 05/07/2021 20:13

@duckme

I'm confused. So for my consent to be upheld, everyone has to agree with my reasoning behind it?
No for your consent to be upheld your sons opinions need to align with yours. He clearly didn't agree with you and that's his perogative. The only persons opinion that matters is your sons and he chose to have the test.if you had consented and he had chosen not to have the test that too would be fine, the key point is it was his choice.
IAmJustWondering · 05/07/2021 20:13

@duckme

We, as a family, did actually have a very in depth discussion about it. He wasn't 'controlled' - christ if you've seen some of my other posts, you'd know how absurd the notion of me controlling him actually is!

Yes, I am aware there is a global pandemic. Thanks though Hmm

I am a little concerned that people are so willing to blindly follow all the rules and restrictions forever and evermore and never question anything, that it's now considered ok for parental consent (whether you agree it should have been sought or not, it was) to be overridden, the verbal consent of a child to be overridden and a child to be coerced into consenting to a medical exam he didn't want.

If I had refused a flu vaccine of religious grounds and the school/school nurse decided it was for the greater good that my son receive it, would that me ok too?

From this, about "blindly following all the rules", it honestly sounds like you are just declining consent purely because you can and because you don't want to 'respect authority' or whatever. This is not invasive at all. Literally the only risk involved is that he might sneeze.

It sounds like you want to maintain some kind of authority. This is your sons body. He didn't sound like he cared whether he had it or not. "My Mom says I'm not to have it"... If he actually didn't want it he probably would have said "I don't want it"? He's 13 and can think for himself.

Teenagers forget things like PE kits, like in the example you cited where you wanted to make it sound like he requires you to have authority over his decisions. However, he has the ability at 13 to consent or not consent to a swab up his nose.

PreacherTeacher · 05/07/2021 20:13

The whole consent thing isn't on by the school though.

MunroBagger · 05/07/2021 20:13

Yeh they shouldn’t have done this, however he’s 13 and the nurse was able to explain the benefits of taking the test. You on the other hand don’t appear to have given him any reason why YOU have decided that HE shouldn’t take the test. Either that or he disagrees with you.