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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School conducted a LFT on my son, against my consent

999 replies

duckme · 05/07/2021 19:26

We received an email from our school to say that, due to the increase in covid cases, they are going to resume the LFT scheme in school (secondary) rather than at home. They sent an online consent form for parents to complete. I declined consent. I marked the form as such and sent it back electronically. My son was actually isolating until today as his bubble had burst, but I reminded him that he didn't have consent for the tests so he wasn't to have one. I know mistakes can happen and forms can be misplaced so I wanted to make sure he was fully aware of my consent.
He came home today and informed me that he had the test.
He said the whole class was called the the hall. The lady could see on the list that he hasn't got consent and asked him about it. He repeated what I had told him, 'my mom said, I'm not to have one'. The lady then proceeded to lecture him about protecting his family and friends. He is 13 and gave in to the person of authority in front of him. Despite them having explicit instructions to the contrary.
AIBU in being absolutely livid? That person ignored written consent, ignored the verbal consent of my son and then guilted him into having an invasive test.
I'll be contacting the school tomorrow to complain but I'd like to know if my covid fatigue is making me over react a little. But I can't imagine it being ok for a school to override parental consent in this way pre covid! Have we all surrendered all our our rights now? Even our parental ones?

OP posts:
PattyPan · 06/07/2021 02:10

@SupermanInk yes, that’s what the son told OP. Which is exactly what I would have told my parents if they were as pushy as OP too! Nowhere has she mentioned what her son’s thoughts were, it’s all about “my consent” and making sure he knew what she wanted.

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 02:13

If he didn’t want it I think it’s very strange that he wouldn’t have said so and only said that his mum didn’t consent, when the woman asked.

ShortBacknSides · 06/07/2021 02:25

@Mistressofpemberly

This is another reason to be glad restrictions are being lifted. Sooo fed up of all the ‘special’ people not following basic rules, testing and vaxxing.

We are such a privileged society having easy opportunity to take on collective responsibility, protect ourselves and others. And with high quality healthcare to pick up the pieces if it doesn’t work. It seems like this devalues the appreciation of how lucky we are.

This is so true

YABU @duckme and teaching your DS to be selfish.

mog27 · 06/07/2021 02:27

@PattyPan if he's old enough to consent why send a consent form home? At 13 parents still have to give the school permission to undertake things like this so obviously it's not up to the children.

SD1978 · 06/07/2021 02:27

I agree with PP- if the only reason is mummy doesn't like it and doesn't want me to- if he's has it explained why, then I don't see an issue. Clearly he got through it untraumitised, so your reasons for saying job is a valid question. If it's juts because you don't like it, and he doesn't mind, I don't see an issue

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 02:35

No idea @mog27, he’s well past the age of criminal responsibility and he’s almost old enough to consent to sex in Germany (14). It’s pretty patronising that he wouldn’t be given the overriding consent for something as minor as this.

Mintjulia · 06/07/2021 02:35

Agree, at 13 it's up to your ds. He clearly isn't traumatised and saw no reason to put his class mates at risk. Maybe he just wants to get on with his education uninterrupted.
It sounds like your ds has plenty of common sense. You should be proud of him.

SupermanInk · 06/07/2021 02:47

PattyPan

Well, if he has lied, when OP speaks to the school that will come out. Not all teens lie though and the situation may have happened exactly as OP says. And we can only go on what OP has said. Imagine if we all read the threads on here and then just changed the details to what we thought happened. It would be ridiculous.
As for saying it’s strange he wouldn’t have spoke up, lots of children lose confidence when speaking to people in authority. One of my kids used to get very nervous and feel like they were being put on the spot with things like this. Combined with being a bit of a people pleaser, it meant they often said yes to things they didn’t want. It’s taken lots of work and confidence building to change them into someone who speaks up. It is very important that consent isn’t obtained through coercion.

SupermanInk · 06/07/2021 02:48

he’s almost old enough to consent to sex in Germany (14).

Well, I give up with anyone that uses that as an argument. Disgusting.

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 02:59

He did say my mom said no, but he was lectured about keeping family and friends safe. And then felt pressured into doing it.

So when. You discuss it, it's an in-depth discussion but he discusses it elsewhere and it's a lecture?

Mrstamborineman · 06/07/2021 03:01

Your son does not need your consent at 13 to have LFT. YABVVVVVVVVVVU and petty. It makes 0 (zero) difference to you.

blubberyboo · 06/07/2021 03:06

The school maybe coerced him into having the test, but you also coerced him into not having it.

In the end he was probably so embarrassed in front of his mates and teachers. Maybe they also wanted him to have it given they were going through it.

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 03:08

Also , an LFT is not invasive! Get over yourself.

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 03:14

@SupermanInk my point was that he is old enough to know his mind about much more weighty things than whether he wants a cotton bus up his nose for 10 seconds so what he decides should outweigh what OP wants. It sounds like she is someone with strong opinions and if her son defers to authority then he is likely to defer to her as well (when she is there). I doubt the son wants OP to speak to the school - it is for her own benefit not his. He is probably embarrassed of her and complaining won’t help!

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 03:14

Bud, not bus^

SupermanInk · 06/07/2021 03:19

PattyPan

Again, you’re just making stuff up. You have no idea if her son wants her to speak to the school. But the fact you’re talking about 24 year olds consenting to sex to make your point, tells me quite a lot.

SupermanInk · 06/07/2021 03:20

*14 year olds 🙄

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 03:28

@SupermanInk it’s weird that you’re hung up on that example when I also mentioned the age of criminal responsibility… As many other posters have mentioned he is likely to be Gillick competent ie able to consent to different kinds of medical treatment. As I said, I had surgery when I was 15 and signed the consent form myself. Given that LFTs can’t hurt you he is more than old enough to decide for himself.

SupermanInk · 06/07/2021 03:44

it’s weird that you’re hung up on that example when I also mentioned the age of criminal responsibility

It’s weird to bring up 14 year olds being allowed to have sex in another country. I very much question anyone’s motives for that.

As for Gilleck, it doesn’t allow coercion.

He is old enough to decide for himself in my opinion. But he shouldn’t have been lectured and made to feel like he had to give in. You’re choosing to believe that isn’t the case. But as I said before, we can only go on what OP says. And if he was lectured and felt he had to give in, that is very wrong.

harverina · 06/07/2021 04:01

Was he lectured or was he just informed of the benefits to himself and others?

PattyPan · 06/07/2021 04:11

@SupermanInk oh yes, I am extremely nefarious because I pointed out that teenagers are given certain levels of autonomy in law. I was going to say in 3 years he can join the army and have a child of his own but figured you would say 3 years is a poor comparison. I lived in Germany for years so it’s what came to mind as an age where you get extra rights. At 14 in the U.K. you can get a part time job. I just don’t think Op really has a leg to stand on about lecturing when that’s exactly what she did.

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 04:11

@harverina

Was he lectured or was he just informed of the benefits to himself and others?
Was he also informed of any risks? Or were those not mentioned or minimized.

I assume there is some risk otherwise why is there a consent form?

Original poster
duckme · 06/07/2021 04:18

@StrawberryDelight10

I wonder if your son "not having a tick by his name" was mistaken as the consent form not being returned at all as opposed to you refusing consent?

If so, I can understand why they then questioned your son himself on whether he wanted to do it, and I can also imagine them encouraging him to do so and him then deciding to do it, especially if as you say he didn't seem too bothered either way.

If he told them that you explicitly refused consent then I agree that he shouldn't have been pushed and coerced into making a decision on the spot. It just seems mad to me that this would actually happen though?

I wonder if he is exaggerating the truth a bit because he thinks you'll be angry at him otherwise? Maybe the base of this all is they thought the consent form hadn't been returned.

I know that doesn't settle your mind and means they need a better process if that's the case. But a mistake like that is easier to forgive than them asking for your parental consent and then ignoring it because they didn't agree in my personal opinion, especially in this case where there's nothing irreversible or harmful that has happened as a result.

Just my two cents

The school shouldn't assume consent in the event of a non returned form. But that is why he'd said 'mom said I haven't got consent' because I know, sometimes, clerical errors can occur.
OP posts:
harverina · 06/07/2021 04:19

I honestly don’t know the answer to that I’m afraid - beyond what I’ve read re false negatives etc.

But yes at some point before a first LFT people should be informed of the risks.

I assume the OP and her son had covered any risks during their discussion too.

Tarabelle · 06/07/2021 04:21

Whether you agree with the op’s stance on testing is irrelevant here. What on earth is the point of a consent form if the school ignores it? And her son shouldn’t have been asked to explain his stance either. If he wanted the test he could have spoken up voluntarily. But instead it sounds like he was put under pressure. I know that at 13 I would have submitted to adult authority with little resistance.
I agree with school testing and I would readily give consent for my own kids. But that’s not the question, is it?

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