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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is right in this scenario?

131 replies

ToffeePennie · 05/07/2021 13:15

Partner A has a broken ankle and cannot weight bear for long. They are laid up on the sofa at home as they are self employed and have rearranged their work to fit with their injury.
Partner B works a salaried position, never off the phone or computer and always goes above and beyond. They have a lot of love for their job and really enjoy it, as well as being able to work from home.
Partner A was bought a single drink from partner B this morning. Since then, nothing. Not seen partner B since 9am.
Partner B has been on phone calls all morning and has been busy with work. The time slipped their mind and they thought partner A would be able to make another drink or even a sandwich fairly easily, as they can weight bear, just not for long.
Should partner A be more considerate because it is work after all and they can weight bear, and they have the option of changing the goalposts or should partner B be more considerate because it is a temporary inconvenience to say to the caller that their partner is injured and needs?

OP posts:

Faevern · 05/07/2021 22:29

My DD was in plaster to her thigh, non weight baring and with crutches could use stairs and go to the toilet and walk to the kitchen, bending to get something out of the fridge was more difficult though and cooking too dangerous. Why is A so helpless?

Saltyslug · 05/07/2021 22:29

B and A should have made a plan first thing in the morning. A could have asked for drinks/food to be bought in at break times and lunch time. B should have offered too. Alternatively A could have requested kettle/tea/bread/toaster/marg set up in the lounge so injured party can make up resfreshments independently

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 22:32

@Saltyslug

Alternatively b thinks a really needs to stop milking it and do some stuff for themselves and is hiding out in their office. 😃

Cocomarine · 05/07/2021 22:43

B is at work.

If A can’t toilet themselves, A should have made a plan to have a way to contact B if help is needed. I am on calls all day… via Skype or Teams, my partner could text me on one of 2 mobiles, or email me at my work account. I don’t believe A couldn’t contact B, and if they really couldn’t the onus was on them to help.

A is a grown adult and needs to sort this out!

It’s also probably better for A to get off their arse regularly, for their recovery and general well being!

Chloemol · 05/07/2021 22:50

What would A do if B didn’t work at home?

B is working, regardless of if at home or not. Yes it would be nice for them to ask A if they are ok, but A can have food and drink organised before B starts work.

If A really needs to then book a slot with them to come out and check.

Ok if A needs the toilet that’s a bit different but A would have to manage if B was not working from home

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/07/2021 23:04

Why on earth does a need help on the toilet !

sunflowerdaisies · 05/07/2021 23:17

I'd expect B to help out more as that's what loving partners do. My husband was unwell a few years ago for two months and I did everything for him and the family while working from home. I'm now recovering from surgery and he had arranged to wfh to help me. He's back in tomorrow as I can now cope but he has been amazing, as have his work at allowing it (his job mainly needs him in).

paniniswapx3 · 05/07/2021 23:57

B is at work so I'd say A needs to sort themselves (unless B is getting themselves drinks and snacks and if that is the case, then B is rude not offering to A).

SD1978 · 06/07/2021 00:51

I'm a bit sad A hasn't been back to clarify the toilet situation.........

Lesssaideasymended · 06/07/2021 01:20

Is A weightbearing with or without crutches? That makes a big difference in what they can actually do for themselves - I’m not long out of a cast and was weightbearing both ways

PurpleOkapi · 06/07/2021 01:20

Does A not have crutches or one of those scooter-things? If not, B should get A something like that, and problem solved. A's not the first person in the world to have a broken ankle, and all the rest managed to not starve to death.

CrotchetyQuaver · 06/07/2021 01:21

A needs to be less of a martyr about all of this.

My DH was non weight bearing for 3 months last year. We got him a wheeled stool to scoot about the kitchen on, he could then do a manoeuvre to get it from the kitchen onto our dining table where he spent a lot of time. We also got a perching stool so he could take a shower on his own. He did incredibly well actually apart from being in a vile mood as so bored (it was pre lockdowns), was flying about on his crutches by the end. Shopped in waitrose because we knew they had a few wheelchairs and he could propel himself round and get away from us

galaxyfairy · 06/07/2021 01:33

Speaking as someone currently with a broken knee who is unable to move at all without DP's help right now: A & B should have sat down shortly after the accident to discuss delegation of tasks, slotting in when A thinks they might need help, and working out things like mealtimes right from the get-go. You're both unreasonable because at a time when you should communicate and be a team, you both failed to do so.

Have that conversation, both be honest about what you can do, and figure out a game-plan. The rest will come naturally.

galaxyfairy · 06/07/2021 01:35

@Brigante9

Is it a fresh injury? It took me a while to orient myself after a major accident and I was probably a drama llama, but I’d had a really serious accident. I even asked the doctors how I was supposed to go home with 3 bouncy dogs, I didn’t fancy them scratching off the enormous skin graft.

It sounds like B is somewhat inconsiderate, but I think A needs to manage the toileting issues. I had to have my bum wiped in hospital-just the once, never again. It is incredibly difficult to wipe when half your calf is gone and you can’t press down or bend the knee. I’m currently suffering with related issues and my DH is looking after me but I need to be independent. Hope you heal up soon, OP, I think it’s tricky.

Oh my goodness sorry to derail but I currently have a very similar injury and it genuinely surprised me at how hard it is to bloody wipe! Since the injury it's made me realise just how many things you actually need your legs for

melj1213 · 06/07/2021 02:54

Whilst B could make more of an effort to check in on A during the day, they are working and are not obliged to. If they were in and out to the kitchen making drinks/meals for themselves then it would be unreasonable for them not to get A something too but if they are at their desk and just snacking then they shouldn't have to interrupt their work just to make stuff for A when they are physically capable of making it to the kitchen.

A is a grown adult and needs to stop being such a martyr, if they are non weight bearing then they should have crutches to allow them to get to the kitchen to make something to eat and if they are weight bearing then they do not need constsnt assistance.

I broke my ankle 2 years ago and was non weight bearing on crutches for the first 3 weeks. I am single and DD was with ExDH for two of those weeks so I just had to make sure to be prepared. I ate a lot of preprepared/ready meals and things you can just throw in the oven and leave to cook for those three weeks but needs must. I also made my living room my base - I kept my tablet, book and phone on a table along with drinks and snacks so I didn't have to get up except to go to the loo/make a meal (and I'd try to combine the two in one trip where possible - on the way to the loo I'd whack something in the microwave and it would be done when I came back to the kitchen etc)

Bluntness100 · 06/07/2021 06:08

Starting to think the op is A and isn’t keen to come back and explain why they want to be waited on like this.

cariadlet · 06/07/2021 06:33

A broken ankle doesn't make you helpless. My teenage dd had a hip operation a couple of years ago and wasn't allowed to bear any weight on that side for 3 months. She had crutches for around the house and for short distances outside and a wheelchair for longer distances. The operation didn't render her completely incapable.

A grown adult who only has a broken ankle should be more than capable of sorting out drinks and snacks for themselves.

girlmom21 · 06/07/2021 06:45

A is definitely being unreasonable in this situation. I also can't imagine B is entirely uncontactable all day every day or they would be able to action anything from their stream of constant phone calls.

cariadlet · 06/07/2021 06:47

Just reread the op and realised that it was written at 13.15 so it wasn't even that person A had been left alone all day. Person B might not have taken their lunch break by then.

Thankgoodness1 · 06/07/2021 07:00

If you’re already on the sofa, I’d hazard a guess that you’re not too far from the kitchen anyway. It takes 2-3 minutes to make a sandwich. I know it’s a pain and trust me, I’ve been in that position where I can’t move and other half forgets about me, but only do it if you can safely carry your plate back to the sofa. get well soon

DeathStare · 06/07/2021 07:11

Does Person A understand that single people (including single parents) get sent home to manage entirely on their own with a broken ankle? It's not the kind of thing where they keep you in hospital or provide a carer if you don't have anyone at home to help. They make their own drinks, make their own meals, go to the toilet unaided, and go up and down stairs on their bottom if they can't do it standing. Many people with a broken ankle carry on working, and not from home, navigating public transport by themselves.

KatherineJaneway · 06/07/2021 09:57

I am confused as to why no conversation happened. It sounds like A just sat there and expected B to make them food etc without agreeing things first, knowing B was working. If B was really busy then a flask of soup and a sandwich could have been made in the morning for example if they had talked.

HoppingPavlova · 06/07/2021 11:27

I’ve been in that position where I can’t move and other half forgets about me, but only do it if you can safely carry your plate back to the sofa

Handy hint. My child would put their sandwich in a younger teenage siblings school sandwich lunchbox container. Shove it under their armpit below the crutch rest and get it back to their seat they way. 1001 options really. Small ultralight backpack etc if you can’t manage what they did.

HoppingPavlova · 06/07/2021 11:35

I even asked the doctors how I was supposed to go home with 3 bouncy dogs, I didn’t fancy them scratching off the enormous skin graft.

Sorry but from someone who fielded these sorts of questions, it’s beyond the pale. The dogs are not your Dr/surgeon’s concern! If a grown adult cannot figure out some options then maybe they shouldn’t have pets. Your post mentions a DH so maybe a solution is your DH manages the dogs. If your DH is not home then the dogs stay out while he is not home and he lets them in and manages when he returns. If this cannot be managed then maybe be short-term boarding for the dogs if they can’t be controlled during your recovery.

For the love of god people, before laying this shit on your medical professional just adult and sort it yourself. This is the sort of stuff that results in an internal eye roll and blank stare because it’s not shit we deal with nor should we have to.

Spidey66 · 06/07/2021 11:46

While I sympathise with A, they are being slightly unreasonable.

If B was working outside the home they'd have to manage, and they need to wee anyway, and for many if the only loo is upstairs that's a further journey.

Also, most HCPs recommend mobilising as soon as possible, even just a little. It prevents DVTs, constipation, sores etc.

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