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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is right in this scenario?

131 replies

ToffeePennie · 05/07/2021 13:15

Partner A has a broken ankle and cannot weight bear for long. They are laid up on the sofa at home as they are self employed and have rearranged their work to fit with their injury.
Partner B works a salaried position, never off the phone or computer and always goes above and beyond. They have a lot of love for their job and really enjoy it, as well as being able to work from home.
Partner A was bought a single drink from partner B this morning. Since then, nothing. Not seen partner B since 9am.
Partner B has been on phone calls all morning and has been busy with work. The time slipped their mind and they thought partner A would be able to make another drink or even a sandwich fairly easily, as they can weight bear, just not for long.
Should partner A be more considerate because it is work after all and they can weight bear, and they have the option of changing the goalposts or should partner B be more considerate because it is a temporary inconvenience to say to the caller that their partner is injured and needs?

OP posts:

Smallbutnottinykitten · 05/07/2021 13:41

A is being a bit unreasonable. Order a travel mug and a flask. And get a large bottle of juice made up or plain water.

pinkflask · 05/07/2021 13:41

I’m assuming that B has not stopped for snacks/drinks/lunch in that time, in which case it isn’t unreasonable of them to think A would also have been ok for the morning. If B had been getting stuff for themselves it would be normal for them as get stuff for A as well but not expected for them to be coming in and out asking if A needed anything while B was meant to be working!

Knitwit99 · 05/07/2021 13:42

If B made themselves a drink and didn't make an extra one for A at the same time that's not very nice. But if B has been in the office all morning and hasn't stopped to make themselves anything either then B is NBU.

Guavaf1sh · 05/07/2021 13:46

I think tell your moaning parter A that you’re busy working and to organise some crutches. They’re not helpless and you’re busy working!

SpindleWhorl · 05/07/2021 13:47

How is A managing though if they need help in the toilet and B is never off the phone? Do you 'they' bang on B's door or something?

I think B should check occasionally, yes. I would.

Maybe tomorrow get a bit better set up with a flask and snacks / sandwiches. Compromise innit.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 05/07/2021 13:47

If they’re not able to weight bear they need a zimmer and a bag tied to it. Get a travel mug and put it in the bag. Or a large bag round their neck.

What would they do if their partner had to go out to work? They need to do that.

quizqueen · 05/07/2021 13:49

Surely, whoever makes a drink for themselves then makes their partner one also.

whynotwhatknot · 05/07/2021 13:51

Cant they just yell then if they depsrately need something-some people have to just get on with it being single etc

diddl · 05/07/2021 13:52

@Knitwit99

I think that this is it.

If I were A I would expect B to offer to get me a drink/snack/lunch when they did so for themselves.

I would also expect them to be able to bear in mind that A might want something even when they don't & perhaps try to ask between calls.

If A can't weight bear for long then even making drinks/sandwiches can be tricky.

Billandben444 · 05/07/2021 13:55

B could check with A before they disappear to work that A has what they need for the day - thermos, sarnies, snacks etc - and then leave them to get on with it. When you say 'help in the loo' what do you mean? Is it a bum-wiping job or what?? How has A managed today without this help?

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 13:58

If a can weight bear for short periods they can make their own coffee, and I say that as someone who broke their ankle in two places and was non weight bearing for six weeks. They need to be more self sufficient, they get a travel mug, a stool in the kitchen and just go make it. They can even make their own sandwiches like that.

Even non weight bearing I managed it. And when I could weight bear then I cracked on. It’s not ok for a to sit there waiting to be served

LakeShoreD · 05/07/2021 13:59

It would make more sense for B to set up A in the morning with a big bottle of water, travel mug of hot drink and loads of snacks within reaching distance. Would suggest you A asks B for this before they start work for the day and not wait for them to offer. If B is making food/drink for themselves should also offer to make for A. Since you asked I think B is being a tad self absorbed but A could do a much better job of communicating their needs.

I also don’t understand the loo thing. Why does A need help if they can bear weight on the ankle for a minute or so? How is that working if B can’t be contacted for most of the day?

SeaToSki · 05/07/2021 13:59

A needs to be left set up with a packed lunch, snacks, drinks and remote control.
B needs to book 1 slot in the morning and 1 slot in the afternoon to swing by and check on A/help to the loo etc. as B is busy and engrossed, the slots should be alarmed or in their calendar.

Both A and B should get a grip, stop focussing on the drama and both treat each other with more compassion. Oh and some better communication would help too

OldTinHat · 05/07/2021 13:59

You are partner A then!

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 13:59

Im also not sure what help a needs in thr loo. Even non weight bearing I could get my own knickers down and wipe. Is there a back story here not being mentioned?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/07/2021 13:59

Juice and snacks at the side of the couch, flask and a rucksack for going to the kitchen and making a cuppa and grabbing a sandwich for themselves and carrying it back.

Easy.

diddl · 05/07/2021 14:02

A could perhaps be doing more, but then I'd rather make drinks & meals for someone than see them struggle.

Just because they could manage by having a flask & a stool in the kitchen, doesn't mean that they should have to if there is someone there who could help but chooses not to.

But that's what we don't know.

Whether B really could take breaks to check/help but cba.

SD1978 · 05/07/2021 14:02

Confused as to why an otherwise healthy adult who is non weight bearing needs help,in the toilet.......arms aren't broken? B needs to get one of those wee scooter things they can use where they remain non weight bearing but can move around still. B is working, as they should be. If A is that incapacitated, maybe they should use their voice- and make arrangements with B to check in every so often and sulk about not being waited on. B also needs to get to grips with some basics they can do, and actually talk to B about things they can't do. And also realise that NWB doesn't mean utterly incapable.

Aprilx · 05/07/2021 14:02

I have had very bad ankle ligament damage once, which can be as bad as a break and I was in a plaster cast for over two months and then had another two months or so of rehabilitation physio. I lived on my own at the time and had no choice but to manage, I managed all the usual things like getting myself a drink and getting to the bathroom and bed. Whilst I was still in a cast / on crutches I had a tea tray with the kettle on in the lounge to make life a bit easier.

If I had lived with someone, I am sure I would have expected to get some help. But I would have either asked or done what I can myself, I wouldn’t sulk about them not being proactive about helping me especially if they are busy working and definitely not if they are on calls. So I think Partner A is more unreasonable.

lockdownalli · 05/07/2021 14:03

@LesterKnopf

If B is going to be uncontactable all day, they should make a packed lunch for A before starting work, left either in a cool bag near where A sits or in the fridge. Make sure A has access to drinks (a large bottle of water and/or flask of tea) and a fruit bowl or something then leave them to it.

yep

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 14:03

If A can't weight bear for long then even making drinks/sandwiches can be tricky

It’s tricky when you can’t weight bear at all but you just get a stool and move it with you, it’s totally doable. And as long as you have a bag and a lidded cup or flask there is no reason a can’t make their own stuff.

There must be a back story here,I simply can’t understand what’s happening with a, and mine was a bad break in two places, and steps down into the loo.

mn2022 · 05/07/2021 14:04

A needs to be a big grown up and learn to either A) communicate or B) use their ability to weight bear to make a sandwich

I'm guessing you're A.

burnoutbabe · 05/07/2021 14:04

@SeaToSki

A needs to be left set up with a packed lunch, snacks, drinks and remote control. B needs to book 1 slot in the morning and 1 slot in the afternoon to swing by and check on A/help to the loo etc. as B is busy and engrossed, the slots should be alarmed or in their calendar.

Both A and B should get a grip, stop focussing on the drama and both treat each other with more compassion. Oh and some better communication would help too

Yes I was going to say that, book a 15 min slot each half day to make tea/help to loo. If no break one day, then set up in advance.

Groundtoahalt · 05/07/2021 14:05

If Partner B was actually out at work they wouldn't be there to assist anyway.

Partner A is aware of B's work situation and is an adult so I would suggest they should have prepared for the morning (with assistance with B) to ensure they had what they needed...bottle of cold drink/flask, snacks, chargers, stationery etc.

cheesecrackerz · 05/07/2021 14:06

I was A in this situation last year- except zero weightbearing allowed.My partner was also in the same position as B- wfh and lots of time on calls.

Before the work day, my partner would check I had everything I needed and would bring me breakfast in bed. He would check on me between calls (although sometimes not for a few hours)

If I needed something (water, snack) between these times I would crutch/bum shuffle down/up the stairs with a backpack and a water bottle to get what I needed without disturbing him

A is being unreasonable, B is working and A can weight near for short periods if they are stuck!

Don't be a martyr

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